GRAHAM (V.O.): I did receive a rather interesting email I’d love to share. Its from a Deb in Oklahoma. She writes…
GRAHAM: (reading email) Graham, when I saw your name trending on Twitter I thought you’d died. Nope. Just the regular kind of online mob backlash. You really pissed some people off. After looking into the “fuckGrahamAnderson” hashtag, I decided to binge through the first seven episodes of The Subjective Truth while I was at work today. Not bad. I mean, not great either, but its your first season. Most shows aren’t good until season three anyway. Still kinda weird to hear you talk about aliens instead of ya know... Just shouting nonsense over sports highlights.
But... the reason I called was... now, that The Pillbox Mattress Company is no longer a sponsor, I thought you might like to hear my Pillbox story. Just keep in mind... this happened over two years ago, okay. I was a Freshman at the University of Tulsa. Still doing the whole dorm life thing, so I didn’t know fuck-all about buying mattresses and I’d definitely never heard of this Pillbox place. I listen to a lot of podcasts so I know their ads are everywhere now, but back then they weren’t like 'a known thing’.
Anyway, I’m totally wasted at this Halloween party. My roommate and I are both dressed like different bizarro Waldos. We’re just people watching and talking shit about everyone’s costumes when over the music I hear someone say, ‘I bet you wont do it.’ And then a small crowd started chanting ‘Do-it Do-it Do-it.’ A throwback Ed Hardy-Bro was holding something small and white in his hand. A few times he faked like he was going to eat it, but then laughed and tried to hand it back to his friend, saying something like, hell no, I’m not crazy. The crowd seemed disappointed that the show ended and I thought it’d make me look cool… so I snatched it from Ed Hardy-Bro’s hand and said, ‘I’ll eat the fucking thing.’ And then I ate the fucking thing.
It was like a small stale marshmallow. It fizzled down my throat. I gave it one last big gulp and raised my arms in triumph. Everyone around me looked terrified. A girl started crying. Ed Hardy Bro told me I needed to throw it up right away and tried to grab me around the midsection and then the crying girl screamed at him and said it would only make it worse. I just thought it was some sort of drug. Or... I don’t know. (pause) Again for context, I’m a drunk Freshman dressed like a female bizarro Waldo with a mustache at a Halloween Party in March. (sarcastic) A litany of good decisions led to this moment. The Ed Hardy Bro tells me, “you just ate a Pillbox Mattress, those things expand in water. Your insides are like... mostly water.” And then he just walked away like it was nothing.
My heart started pounding... I remember asking everyone if they knew what size of a mattress it was because I guess in the moment I thought I might be able to shit out a twin size or something. I tried searching on my phone: What to do if I swallow a Pillbox Mattress? Pillbox Mattress + Stomach. Pillbox Mattress + Ingest. All I could find were more fucking mattress ads with their old tagline, “Grow Your Mattress In a Matter of Minutes...” I had no idea what to do. I had this thing growing inside me and I knew I had to get it out soon or it was going to kill me... slowly... in front of everyone I knew. My belly button burned with pressure. I didn’t want to be the freshman who freaked out and called an ambulance to an off-campus party. But I also didn’t want to be the girl who had a mattress rip out of her midsection in front of sixty people, so I made the call.
It took the paramedics a long ten minutes to arrive. With each shock of pain on the left side of my stomach, I thought, welp there’s the big one. Here it comes. You really fucked up this time, Deb. The creepiest part... about all of this... is that no one was consoling me. No one was trying to help. Once word spread, people were just standing there recording me. As if my death was going to be the signal gun for a race to post a sure-fire viral video.
And then with the eyes of Youtube staring me down... I let out the longest and loudest fart of my life. I’ve always heard that the bowels are expressed upon death... so I just figured this was the first sign... But nothing else happened. When the paramedics finally arrived they assured me that while swallowing a Pillbox Mattress can be quite uncomfortable, it isn’t poisonous or deadly. Apparently it comes with some special solution you’re supposed to mix with the little stale mattress marshmallow. It doesn’t just grow in water like the commercial said. And I am so fucking thankful for that. You can actually find a video of it online. Just search for Farting Girl Waldo. It’ll be like... the seventh result. 252 views. Later Graham.
