INT. CAR IN MOTION ON HIGHWAY
JACK: Is it recording?
PAT: (sarcastic) Yeah, I think that’s what the red light means.
JACK: Yeah... yeah... we’re good.
GRAHAM (V.O.): No one likes the feeling of being lost. It can happen quickly. A missed exit and a wrong turn. Too far out for the navigation apps to work. Overwhelmed and enveloped by the unknown. You’re left with uncurling darkness and trees repeating over and over on some road you were unfortunate enough to turn down. What’s even worse is having no idea how you got there. Or in the car in the first place.
[LOUD CLAP]
JACK: Wake up we're almost there.
GRAHAM: Almost where?
PAT: You look pretty wasted man. Are you okay?
GRAHAM: I think I fell asleep.
JACK: Yeah, you were out like a light. But don’t worry, I turned your recorder on so you won’t miss a thing.
GRAHAM: Shit... It's still recording.
JACK: Here, Graham, drink this. A lil' bit of cold water can't hurt ya.
PAT: Actually cold water has probably killed millions of people.
JACK: What?
PAT: Drowning. Hypothermia. Tsunamis. Floods.
JACK: I said a 'lil bit' Pat. Shut the fuck up.
GRAHAM: What are we doing?
PAT: We’re almost to the spot.
JACK: Ooh... exciting. Graham Anderson, tonight you’re going to meet the GoatMan of Runbury Road.
GRAHAM: What? Like an urban legend?
PAT: Something like that.
GRAHAM: I need to go back to my hotel. I have a flight to catch in the morning.
PAT: Should I try to turn around?
JACK: Keep driving straight... And kill the headlights.... (Pause) Not really goddamit. Turn em back on.
GRAHAM (V.O.) The tires hummed on the asphalt while cold tense wind came in through a cracked window. Every few minutes Pat would take a long pull on her vape pen and I would watch as a large cloud curled out the window to find its place in the sky. I felt off, to say the least. Eventually the car slowed to a stop as we came upon a big white smiley face painted on the road.
JACK: Really Pat, a fucking smiley face?
PAT: Tell me that shits not creepy as fuck.
JACK: Just gotta make it work. Now, the way I’ve always heard it told is that the Goatman is a human-goat hybrid. Some sort of failed government experiment from the sixties. A doctor... No a scientist who couldn't wait for the human trials and decided to try it on himself.
PAT: I heard it was just a deformed human. Like a circus freak or something.
JACK: According to the legend, the Goatman fled the facility and continued to thrive in the woods completely off the grid in Black Barn. And if you wish to meet the GoatMan, all you have to do is park your car in front of the Smiley Face. Flash your headlights three times. Kill the engine. And get out.
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
[CAR DOOR CLOSING, FOOTSTEPS ON ROAD]
GRAHAM: Is she coming with us?
PAT: Eeeeh, no.
JACK: Pat had a nasty run in with the Goatman when we were kids. Didn't ya Pat? Didn't ya? Didn't ya? Fuck it. I hate you. She's just gonna wait in the car. Now we wait and see if tonight is our night. Not everyone is lucky enough to hear the GoatMan’s call.
GRAHAM: Sounds like an easy way to explain why no one ever really sees him.
JACK: That’s exactly what I used to think too.
[LOUD HOWL]
JACK: Lucky You, Graham. Looks like you get to meet the GoatMan.
GRAHAM: Lucky me.
JACK: Now, the thing is, once you hear the GoatMan’s call, you need to remain silent. I definitely would not recommend honking your car horn three times. It really gets the GoatMan pissed off.
[CAR HORN HONK x3]
JACK: Graham, lets go. Maybe we can get eyes on this monster.
GRAHAM (V.O.): We make it a little way down the road and a black barn comes into view.
JACK: There it is.
GRAHAM: That’s where we’re going?
JACK: You know there are lots of rumors online that this barn was demolished. But as you can see, the GoatMan’s barn still stands to this day, waiting for those brave enough to approach it. Come on. Unless you’re too scared.
GRAHAM: I’m more concerned with trespassing on private property.
JACK: We came this far. Let’s just go check it out.
[HOWL REPEATS]
JACK: You hear that? It sounds close.
GRAHAM (V.O.): At this point I should have figured things out. I never should have gone to the barn with Jack.
EXT. BARN
JACK: Here. Help me with this door.
[BARN DOOR OPENING]
GRAHAM: What’s going on here?
GROUP OF STRANGERS: (menacing group laughter)
[BARN DOOR CLOSING]
JACK: We didn’t want you going back home without a story to tell.
GRAHAM (V.O.): Five strangers. Two women and three men were all standing in the barn when I walked in. And they were all armed with bright green, yellow and orange. Supersoakers. Waterguns. But they were filled with some sort of adhesive liquid.
[PUMPING OF WATERGUNS]
GRAHAM (panicked): I’m not sure what you’re planning to do, but please...
JACK: I won’t lie Graham, this might hurt.
GRAHAM: What!? What are you doing!? Please don’t do this! You don’t have to do this!
GRAHAM (V.O.): I could feel my fingers clinging together. And then they brought out the Chicken Feathers. Tiny white feathers rained down on me from all sides. By the time the trash bags were empty I was completely covered.
JACK: Graham... I’d like for you to meet the GoatMan of Runbury Road. (laughs)
GRAHAM: Why are you doing this?
JACK: It’s your stupid show, Graham.
GRAHAM: The podcast? I’m just trying to help.
JACK: You’re not just trying to help. If you were you wouldn't be talking about aliens and fucking alternate dimensions. Who the fuck is that helping? You misquote and you lie. And you exaggerate. Why anyone would trust you is beyond me.
GRAHAM: Why do you care?
JACK: I’m not going to let you turn my home into another Roswell. And I’m damn sure not going to let you accuse me and my friends of being cannibals.
GRAHAM: What?
JACK: You don’t recognize us? We’re the Gary’s... We’re the boogey men who eat people, right? Don’t we look scary.
GRAHAM: Are you going to eat me?
JACK: Duuuude, no. That’s what I’m saying. We don’t eat real people. All I’m guilty of is enjoying the flavor of a particular sandwich and talking about the merits of that sandwich online with small groups of like-minded friends.
GRAHAM: So... you don’t eat people?
JACK: Nooo. We don’t eat real people. That’s disgusting. But an artificial lab grown replication of human meat, slow roasted and soaked in barbecue sauce... that makes an amazing meal called, The Long Pulled Pork Sandwich... And I’m not going to feel bad for saying I like how it tastes. No one’s getting hurt. No one is dying. Its a victimless lunch with a low carbon footprint. (pause) Now go make sure everyone around the world hears me when I say... The Garys Don’t Eat Real People. This better be on the next episode. Quote me. You remember my name, right?
[MIC BEING TOSSED ONTO GROUND]
GRAHAM (V.O.): Jack tossed my recorder on the ground a few feet in front of me and they drove away. Leaving me alone, covered in glue and chicken feathers. The night colored the landscape into one amorphous black blob. No street lights or passing cars. My world was dark, desolate and cold as fuck. But my phone still had some life so I was able to order a ride.
INT. INSIDE SELF DRIVING CAR
[FUTURE CAR PULLING UP, FUTURE CAR DOOR OPEN / CLOSE]
GRAHAM (V.O.): It was going to be a long drive back to the Blue Mesa, but luckily the car was equipped with the Layback Entertainment System.
[BUTTONS PRESSED]
CAR OS VOICE: Welcome to the Layback Theater. Brought to you by Dubble. Where would you like to go today? You have selected Welcome to Wonderland episode one. Please confirm your purchase or enter a promo code.
[BUTTONS PRESSED]
CAR OS VOICE: You've entered promo code Subjective. Is this correct? Thank You.
GRAHAM (V.O.): The windows flickered to an opaque black and then came to life, transforming the inside of the vehicle into the bright colorful hues of Wonderland.
CAR OS VOICE: Before we take you to Wonderland please enjoy this special sneak peak for our upcoming True Crime Auto-Drama, "On the Hunt For Mr. Kool-Aid"
LAYBACK NARRATOR: Once upon a time up in the Mountains there were two friends who were inseparable until...
CAR OS VOICE: "On the Hunt For Mr. Kool-Aid" stars Lena Waithe, Ruby Rose, Andy Daly and You. Get in line. Drink the Kool Aid. Halloween 2022.
GRAHAM: Exit layback.
GRAHAM (V.O.): The windows were once again filled with the harsh terrain of New Mexico. A low hum vibrated my thoughts as I watched the landscape pass. Everyone talks about an energy permeating through Taos. A magnetism. A pull. I was starting to feel it. Something was guiding me. Telling me I needed to be here.
[ROLL WINDOW DOWN]
INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER
GRAHAM (V.O.): I spent an hour in the shower scrubbing off feathers and glue. And afterward I fell asleep face down ontop the comforter.
[KNOCKING FROM CLOSET / TV TURNS ON]
COMMERCIAL ON TV: Search for clues. Solve puzzles. Battle ancient monsters. Experience the third dimension of gaming. To get your fix of 64 bit action at home play Modern Prom-
[KNOCKING FROM CLOSET]
[GRAHAM KICKS DOOR. STATIC. SOUND OF REEL UNLOOPING]
GRAHAM: Now knock it the fuck off.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - MORNING
[FOOTSTEPS ON LOBBY FLOOR. DING.]
ODETTE: How was your stay?
GRAHAM: Below average.
ODETTE: Oh no, I’m so sorry to hear that. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help make you better at enjoying your time.
GRAHAM: Actually, I think I’d like to file a complaint against an employee.
ODETTE: Oh no. We have these comment cards and tiny pencils. Do you happen to remember their name?
GRAHAM: Yeah. It’s Jack. Jack Piano. I-
ODETTE: Well, that can’t be possible.
GRAHAM: What do you mean?
ODETTE: Jack Piano has not been with us for almost two years.
GRAHAM: Are you trying to tell me he’s another ghost?
ODETTE: No, what I’m trying to say is that he was fired a very long time ago.
GRAHAM: Oh.
ODETTE: Not everything is a ghost story, Mr. Anderson.
[BAG LEAVING]
GRAHAM (V.O.): This has been one of the strangest weeks of my life. I searched for dead bodies with Lucille Ball and Mr. Feeny. I exchanged supernatural notes with a ghost. I watched a woman ride a unicycle and spin plates on her fingertips while I struggled to keep wing sauce off my shirt. I saw a full grown man-baby rap over the Wonder Years theme song, and I watched a cat do standup comedy. And I was tarred and feathered for the first time in my life. I am the GoatMan of Taos, but maybe, in some strange way, it was all worth it.
[AMBIENT NOISE OF AN OUTDOOR GATHERING]
MAN WITH MIC: You ma’am, where will You find Fenn’s Treasure?
FENNSTER: Oh my god, are you a BLEEP-ing banana?
MAN WITH MIC: Yes, I am a banana, but do not let that distract you.
FENNSTER: What did you ask me again?
MAN WITH MIC: Nevermind, I’m moving on. Because this banana knows when to split.
GRAHAM (V.O.): What you’re hearing is the audio from a 2014 youtube video titled, ‘I Meet the Fenn Treasure Hunters.' It’s part of an ongoing series of, ‘I Meet,’ videos starring a youtuber named ‘The Antidote’. His whole shtick is that he interviews different fringe groups of people and while he does it, he’s dressed in a different ridiculous costume. At the Fenn Treasure Meetup he’s wearing a banana costume.
MAN WITH MIC: You sir, where will You find Fenn’s Treasure?
PHILLIP: Well, I recently discovered that Hot Sulphur Springs used to be called Warm Springs. A few miles downstream through Byres Canyon and you’re in a prime fishing spot for Brown Trout. Take the canyon down. The House of Brown Trout. It has to be somewhere nearby.
MAN WITH MIC: Man with the plan. What’s your name?
PHILLIP: Phillip. Phillip Brubaker.
GRAHAM (V.O.): But why does this matter? Because Phillip Brubaker’s remains were discovered in the Carson National Forest. By me. When my flight landed back in Austin I received two voicemails.
CADAVER DAN: Graham, buddy, I wanted to reach out to you and let you know that the remains we found have been positively identified, but, unfortunately... it wasn’t Buddha Kline. Some of the family members of the deceased wanted to personally thank you. I hope you don’t mind, but I did provide them your contact information. If you ever need us again, just give me a call. I’d be happy to help. Also... Don’t forget to check out Autopsies & Automobiles. And if you can... leave us a review. It really helps.
JESS BRUBAKER: Hello, this message is for a Graham Anderson. My name is Jessica Brubaker. I... uh... I guess I’m calling to say thank you for finding my brother Phillip.
