[AMY and GRAHAM are once again together in the recording studio listening to the New Mexico tapes and discussing the events as they occur.]
AMY: Do you still believe me?
GRAHAM: I believe you believe you saw something that night.
AMY: That sounds like a clever way of saying no.
GRAHAM: What I believe or what anyone else believes isn’t important.
AMY: You’re right... I just don’t like when people call me a liar.
GRAHAM: Who is calling you a liar, Amy? People on the internet?
AMY: Everyone is, Graham. And don’t act like you don’t know that. Buzzfeed and CNN both had articles about Buddha this past week. Everyone is talking about us again. All the comments... people really must think I’m evil. I don’t know. Either that or they think we’re trying to pull some bullshit hoax.
GRAHAM (V.O.): There’s a conversation, pulled from an early episode of Buddha and Amy’s podcast, Armchair Treasure Hunter, in which Buddha made some comments that seem to put the entire story in a strange light. I don’t believe it has anything to do with Buddha’s disappearance, but because it's part of the discussion, I want to take the time now to share the conversation in question.
INT. CLIP FROM ARMCHAIR TREASURE HUNTER
BUDDHA: Oh, one hundred percent. I would fake an alien abduction if given the right set of circumstances.
AMY: No you wouldn’t.. Really?
BUDDHA: I would. But nowadays, with all the technology people have at their disposal it would be pretty much impossible to get a good alien abduction hoax going.
AMY: What would be the point though? I don’t get it.
BUDDHA: What’s not to get? I gain low level fame as an alien abductee and I get to self-publish memoirs for the rest of my life. If I run out of material I just drudge up some repressed memories or past lives and bam, I’ve got another best seller.
AMY: You know if you did that I would leave you. I’m not going to be the alien guy’s wife.
BUDDHA: That’s all that’s holding me back.
GRAHAM (V.O.): So there you have it. Take from it what you will. I asked Amy about the quote and she seemed to dismiss it as a comedic bit.
AMY: This would be funny if it wasn’t so sad. We said a lot of crazy shit on that podcast. We are... we were both sarcastic assholes, like... all the time. Does anyone want to play the clip of me talking about how I’m going to Crispr gene-edit all my babies into permanent babies or the one where Buddha said he was going to open a snowcone stand called Raging Coners? Or do those clips just not play into the convenient hoax narrative?
EXT. WOODS - EARLY MORNING
BUDDHA: What did you see?
AMY: I’m not sure...
BUDDHA: No. Don’t lose the image. Think. Think.
AMY: I saw four or five orbs floating around the outer rim. They were pulsating. It felt as if they were matched in time with my heartbeat.
BUDDHA: What color were they?
AMY: Um...
BUDDHA: What color were they?
AMY: I’m not sure...
BUDDHA: I saw blue lights.
AMY: I don’t know.
AMY (in studio v.o.): We stopped recording. Buddha said he wanted to collect his thoughts before he put anything else on tape. The next morning we packed everything up and headed back to the lot where we left our Jeep. The fucking Jeep. (Laughs) I really wish I had an answer for what happened there. I’m as much in the dark as the rest of you. From my perspective it went like this... We parked it. Locked it. Buddha pocketed the keys. Three days later when we got back to parking lot where we had left it, the Jeep was gone. The lot was completely empty. We sat there for awhile. Hoping that someone else would come along and we’d be able to use their phones. But no one came. Buddha wanted to try to walk the path back out toward the main road.
GRAHAM: Did you?
AMY: See this is one of those moments of, I don’t know, serendipity or terrible timing. It wasn’t like we couldn’t get anyone to stop for us, no, it was the fact that not one fucking vehicle drove past us the entire time.
GRAHAM: It’s not exactly a densely populated area.
AMY: I mean sure, but still, no one? (Beat) The missing Jeep killed the excitement we had had from our sighting. I was over everything. The treasure, the ufo... all of it. Just ready to get home.
GRAHAM: Why did you leave the road?
AMY: Uhh... what a dumb decision that was, right? Basically, we were hungry and it was hot. We weren’t thinking straight. We talked ourselves into taking a shortcut back through the woods. Pretty quickly we got ourselves turned around and lost. The sun went down and Buddha went from looking angry to looking hopeless. He kept asking me questions about death. What would it be like? Would we still be together? Or does it all just go black. Forever. Real downward spiral shit. And then he said he wanted to record something...
EXT. WOODS - EVENING
BUDDHA: I’m recording a message. For when they find us. When they find our dead bodies.
AMY: I really don’t understand why you want to do this right now.
BUDDHA: Dear faithful listeners. This might be something we can laugh at one day or it might be a final message... Anything you’d like to say, Amy? Any last words?
AMY: Buddha, please stop. We need to try and stay positive and—
[APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS FROM WOODS]
A man suddenly emerges from the surrounding wilderness.
BUDDHA: What was that? It sounds like..
BUDDHA: What the— Stop!
DOUG: Hi.
GRAHAM (V.O): You’re listening to The Subjective Truth. Stay with us.
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EXT. WOODS - EVENING
DOUG: Well that’s not the usual way I’m greeted by other hikers, but okay... Sorry for sneaking up on you... My name is Doug Funnie.
BUDDHA: The Doug Funnie?
AMY: Like the cartoon? What is happening right now?
DOUG: No, I’m not a cartoon. I’m a real man. I promise.
AMY: What’s going on Buddha?
BUDDHA: It’s okay.
GRAHAM (in studio): Do you remember what he looked like?
AMY (in studio): Honestly, he reminded me of that killer, Dennis Rader, the BTK guy. Just a regular suburban dad type, who carried this dark unsettling vibe about him.
GRAHAM (in studio): In 2015, on the popular social media website, Reddit, a user by the name of DougFunnie2 started a subreddit called, FindingFennsGold. For those of you who have never used Reddit, a subreddit is basically a place for like minded individuals to post information, pictures and memes to a common page, a content dump of sorts. So DougFunnie2 starts the subreddit and other Fenn Treasure Hunters flock to it. It fills up with theories and information and solves coming from around the world. Clues are collectively analyzed. Meet-ups are planned. And then bam. Just like that, one day it’s gone. All of it. The creator and moderator, Doug Funnie, erased all the content from the subreddit and deleted his account. Some have theorized he was confident about a solve and wanted to set back any potential competitors. What exactly happened to the person using the handle DougFunnie2 is still completely unknown. There hasn’t been a trace of him anywhere, until possibly, this conversation with Buddha and Amy. So was this Doug Funnie on the Kline’s recordings the same Doug Funnie who created and ultimately destroyed the subreddit, FindingFennsGold? Buddha seemed to think so.
AMY (in studio): Doug claimed that he hadn’t been following us. He had just happened upon us while he was on his own journey. We fell for it. Well, Buddha did. I remained skeptical of the weird guy we met deep in the woods, but I think Buddha saw meeting another Fennster as a sign that he was on the right path. Doug didn’t have a cellphone or anyway to contact anyone, but he claimed he knew about a ranger station that was nearby. It was getting too late so we decided to make camp and head that way in the morning. That night Buddha was filled with this excitement for the hunt again. Being able to talk to another Fenn Treasure Hunter face to face wasn’t something he’d been able to do very often.
[CRACKLING CAMPFIRE]
DOUG: Would you like a drink? I have plenty to share.
AMY: No, Thank You.
BUDDHA: Yeah, definitely.
AMY: You don’t even drink.
BUDDHA: Do you think you’ve ever been close to finding it?
DOUG: It’s all relative. How long have y’all been out here on the hunt?
BUDDHA: Few days. We were supposed to be headed back home today, but our Jeep was stolen. And then we got lost.
DOUG: Well the good news is, at least you aren’t lost anymore. As far as your Jeep, are you sure it was stolen?
BUDDHA: What do you mean?
DOUG: A lot of strange stuff happens out here. You’ll start to see it soon if you haven’t already.
BUDDHA: What kind of stuff?
DOUG: Everything you’ve ever been scared of... (laughs) Have you come across a HideBehind yet?
BUDDHA: What’s a HideBehind? Other than well the obvious... I guess something that hides... (pause) behind you.
DOUG: And a fireplace is a just a place for fire, right?
BUDDHA: That’s true.
AMY: That doesn’t make any sense. That’s absolutely what a fireplace is.
DOUG: Shadows. Stick Indians. Man—o-woods. When you turn to look for ‘em, they slink away, just enough so that you’ll never see them. But trust me, you’ll feel their heavy presence behind you. Resting their weight on your back. Then..
[FINGERSNAP]
DOUG (CONT’D): ..they’ve gotcha. And your family will never, ever, see you again. (Beat) Or at least that’s how it was told to me. But like most things there’s the legend and then there’s the bullshit artists behind the legend. HideBehinds were just some dumb excuse that loggers used to explain why other loggers didn’t make it back to camp, like ‘Terrance didn’t come back last night, oh well... guess the HideBehind got em.’ You know how it goes... And on that note, I gotta go take a leak. Hope the HideBehinds don’t get me.
DOUG: By the way, I almost forgot... the only real defense against a HideBehind is more alcohol. So drink!
DOUG: (mumbled drunk singing) ‘Hungry-Hungry-Hypocrites drinking Lazarus Wine to raise their spirits.’
AMY: I don’t like him. He looks like he still watches VCR Porn.
BUDDHA: You’re ridiculous. He’s a nice guy. And he’s probably going to save our lives.
AMY: If our lives are in the hands of that guy, then we are already dead.
BUDDHA: If you want, we can just wake up early and go our own way in the morning. You can lead.
AMY: (frustrated) I get it. I don’t know where to go. We’re stuck with him.
BUDDHA: Exactly. So eat this lemon luna bar and relax. Doug is all right.
DOUG: Damn right, I’m all right. (laughs)
BUDDHA: Doug, would you mind if I asked you a few questions for the podcast?
DOUG: I’d be offended if you didn’t.
BUDDHA: Awesome. I don’t think I have much left on this tape. I’m going to switch to a new one. Give me one sec.
DOUG: Not a problem, Buddy.
[TAPE CLICK]
INT. RECORDING STUDIO
GRAHAM (V.O.): I listened to every second of every tape in the box Amy gave me and I was unable to find the rest of the conversation. No more recordings exist from this point. So from here on out Amy will have to guide us through what happened. This will no doubt be another point of division among the podcast listeners. Could Amy have doctored the tapes or thrown away entire tapes to hide incriminating evidence? It’s definitely a possibility, sure, but for now, Amy was the last person to see Buddha alive, so I am very interested in what she has to say.
AMY: I was bored out of my mind and ended up falling asleep pretty quickly after they started talking about Fenn. When we woke up the next morning it was all gone. All of it. Doug was gone and he had somehow managed to take all of our belongings with him. But he was kind enough to leave behind two lanterns. We didn’t have a plan. We didn’t know if the ranger station Doug had mentioned was real or if it was all just part of his scheme so we just started walking. And walking. And walking. I was so tired of walking at this point. My brain shut off and I was on autopilot. Probably some defense mechanism to keep me from snapping. Then the clouds grew dark and the sky opened.
[THUNDER AND RAIN]
AMY: Rain upon Rain upon Rain. We knew we had to get out of it. Buddha spotted the opening to a cave. It was cool and dry and everything I wanted at that moment. We slumped down on the ground. I closed my eyes. Buddha was laying right next to me. (Cries) I must have dozed off. I have no idea for how long. But when I woke up I could hear... Or at least I thought I heard Buddha calling me from deeper in the cave. He didn’t sound scared... or worried... he sounded excited. I got up and started to follow his voice. Doug’s lantern actually came in pretty handy at that point. So I started walking deeper and deeper.
GRAHAM: At any point did you see Buddha?
AMY: No, but I heard him calling me still. It seemed as if he were walking away from me at the exact same pace I was walking toward him. It never sounded like I was getting any closer. The cave walls and ceiling closed tighter until I was hunching over and then boom that's it. The end. No other way to go. I stopped and listened for Buddha’s voice again thinking maybe I had passed by him or missed some offshoot. Then I heard him from behind me. It sounded like he was heading back toward the entrance again. And his calls were more panicked now. I had to have missed him. I turned around started walking back...
GRAHAM: It's okay, Amy. Take as much time as you need.
AMY: I don’t think there’s enough time in the world for me to feel okay with saying what I’m about to say... (pause) as if people don’t already think I’m crazy enough.
GRAHAM: Anything you saw. Everything that happened to you that night. It’s all important. You never know what small piece of it could lead to finding Buddha.
AMY: I took a few steps. Maybe ten feet or so when I heard a noise behind me. I didn’t want to turn around, but I did. I thought it might be Buddha trying to scare me. But it wasn’t. I still see this thing. My mind will just cue up the image for me at random times. Oh, you’re at work in a meeting... remember this thing? And when I close my eyes to try to just empty my mind, this terrible image is right there waiting for me like its been scratched into on the inside of my eyelids.
GRAHAM: What did it look like?
AMY: (under breath) Fuck, why am I doing this again? (nervous) ...it was shaped like a... I don’t know. It had a head, eyes, arms and two legs. But it looked tall... real tall and stretched out. The arms and legs seemed too long. They just hung awkwardly with these twisted claws on the end that looked like... like a bird’s talons. It had dark grayish hair, but it was short. Fuzzy. Real patchy. The skin underneath was a sick looking pale gray with white splotches. Like if someone tried to bleach an elephant. The face... uhh... fuck...
GRAHAM: If at any point you want to take a break or...
AMY: No. I’m okay. I can do this. The eyes were solid black fist sized marbles and the entire lower half of the face was a mess of tongue and teeth. It growled and I could smell the decay of flesh on its breath. I still gag if I think about it for too long.
GRAHAM: Do you believe this thing could have had something to do with Buddha’s disappearance?
AMY: I’m so crazy. I know. I don’t know why I even say these things. No one is going to believe anything.
GRAHAM: So obviously you got away. You survived. What happened next?
AMY: When I saw it I just ran the other way. I mean... fuck that horror movie shit. I just ran. And as I got closer to the entrance I heard Buddha’s voice again. Calling to me. Telling me to run. Run, Amy, Run, he was saying. I still couldn’t see him. I could hear him calling me from out in the trees. It was still raining pretty hard, but it didn’t matter. As I ran through the trees I could still hear Buddha calling my name. (cries) He sounded so scared...
INT. INSERT HOME VIDEO CLIP
BUDDHA: (ON VIDEO) Time to get up, Amy. We’re here. Time to find the gold.
AMY: (ON VIDEO) What-the-Fuck! Shit.
BUDDHA: (ON VIDEO) Are you awake?
AMY: (ON VIDEO) No....
[RUNNING FOOTSTEPS IN WILDERNESS POST-SFX]
AMY: (IN STUDIO) I was thinking about death. I was thinking about how I’d never see Buddha again. About how I just wanted to be home.
AMY: And that’s when I fell into the water. I still don’t know how I survived. I sank to the bottom and I remember just utter blackness surrounding me and then my head was above water again. I was just flailing at anything I could grab. Water was shooting up my nose and I was swallowing god knows what. My left side was slammed into something and it bruised me pretty bad, but my adrenaline had spiked, so I didn’t feel anything at the time. Eventually I was able to grab onto a tree root sticking out from the bank. It was blind luck, but I pulled myself out of the water. I lay on the bank for awhile. I must have been in shock. Or I don’t know. I just remember laying there in the rain until the storm died down. No one was coming to help us. I had no idea where Buddha might be. I could start walking, but any direction could lead me away from him instead of to him. So I just waited. They always say, when you’re missing stay put. And at the time, I wasn’t thinking, Oh Buddha is missing. I was thinking, oh shit, I’m missing, I need to do what I can to help Buddha find me. He’s probably looking for me. A whole day and night pass and I just sat there crying. I still get stomach pains just thinking about it.
GRAHAM (V.O.): These first few moments of realization for Amy were the first few moments of the search for Buddha Kline... if you believe what Amy is saying. I’m not saying that I don’t. But what I am saying is that as the story continues it becomes increasingly harder to do so. There’s an important distinction that needs to be made. Believing that Amy is telling the truth about what happened is not the same as believing that what Amy says happened is the exact truth of what happened.
AMY: I was so hungry and thirsty and tired and I had no idea which direction I should be walking, but I knew I had to move. I don’t think I ever shouted help me or anything like that. I just kept shouting his name.
INT. COMEDY CLUB - HOME VIDEO CLIP
AMY (onstage): Give it up Audience for... Buddha Kline!
INT. RECORDING STUDIO
AMY: Once it got dark, I stopped shouting and just cried instead. Nothing looked familiar. Nothing looked safe. Just keep moving, I told myself. At some point I saw a light. Flashing on and off. I thought it was a flashlight. I thought it might have been Buddha. So I followed it to a small little clearing, and suddenly, there were more lights. Bright white beams flashing through the trees. And then more of them. And more. And more... until they were all around me. With the ground in front of me now illuminated, I looked down and I saw our backpacks. Mine and Buddha’s. Just sitting there in the middle of this small clearing. ...that’s when it happened. A flash of blue. And then it's all black.
[MUSIC: CUE OUTRO MUSIC]
GRAHAM: If you have information, theories or ideas about what might have happened to Buddha Kline, please give us a call at [REDACTED]
[VOICEMAIL BEEP]
CALLER (Have You Considered That?): So like Buddha Kline went out into the woods with his girlfriend and Im like only the girlfriend came back so I think the girlfriend is working with the aliens. Buddha was abducted by aliens its the only thing that makes sense. Like how could she still be alive but not know anything. Oh oh oh. Maybe she was also abducted by aliens and they wiped her memory. And that's why she doesn't know what happened to Buddha. I really think you gotta look into this cause like what if they were abducted by aliens. What if Buddha Kline became the captain of their alien ship. Oh my god, have you considered that?
[VOICEMAIL BEEP]
GREGG (voicemail): Hey, this is Gregg the funny man, @NotThatGreggRoman on Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat. I’ve been listening to your show and trying to decide whether or not I should call in. I was like, Self? Yeah, Self? Should you call in? Yeah, you should call in they need to hear your story so here I am. Now I know Buddha and Amy personally. We were all three in the Austin stand up comedy scene at the same time. We didn’t hang out per se, like on a one on one situations or anything, but we ran in the same circles. Same shows. Same parties. And it’s at one of these parties that I found myself in a backroom with Buddha, Amy and a few others. I don’t remember how exactly we got on the topic, but we’re talking about side hustles or something, and Buddha brings up his masterplan. He lays it all out for us. Fake an alien abduction, ufo sighting or whatever you wanna call it, so what you do is disappear for a little while and then show back up later ready to share the alien’s anti-nuclear message of peace and unity with the world. It’s really some bullshit. If you want to know more just follow me on Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, TikTok and Dubble. I’ll be at the Acid Wash Comedy Club in Tulsa from the 3rd to 18th. Holla at your boy.
[VOICEMAIL BEEP]
CALLER (Have You Considered That?): Look into this. I gotta say it's the only reasonable explanation. Buddha Kline was abducted by aliens.
CALLER (JOSHUA TREE): Back in 1998, I was camping at Joshua Tree and I saw something in the sky that looked eerily similar to what Buddha and Amy described seeing in New Mexico. I don’t want to say UFO because I know what that sounds like. But I don’t know what it was.
GRAHAM: We’ll be back soon with more of The Subjective Truth. Until then, stay safe and don’t become a story
[VOICEMAIL BEEP]
DEREK (voicemail): Listen up kids, it's story time. I know exactly what happened to Buddha Kline. I could tell you now all of it now, but I doubt it would make any sense. I trust you’ll be patient with me. My name is Derek and I was once a proud Air Force Intelligence Officer. But before that, I was no one from nowhere and that meant I was exactly what they were looking for.... Someone who could disappear. This all started because we had something to hide. Our Secrets. Ourselves. The Truth. We needed to become invisible. Everything we did, believe me, we did it with the best of intentions. We never meant for innocent people, like Buddha, to be harmed. But I'm calling because I acknowledge my role and involvement in what’s been allowed to happen. I first met Anna Dietrich on December 9th 1965, just outside Kecksburg, Pennsylvania. Sightings of a bright blue fireball streaking across the sky were coming in from all over the Midwest. We were already in en route to Kecksburg before the object crashed. Everyone was tight lipped on what it could be, but a clear order was given. Obtain the object and limit civilian exposure. We did as we were told and we did a relatively good job of it. A few townies got a look underneath the tarp when we were leaving, but official word, of course, is that we found nothing. What we did find in the woods outside of Kecksburg... was a device made out of a light, but incredibly dense and durable metal. It was approximately nine feet wide and fifteen feet tall. Some people thought it looked like an acorn. Others thought it looked more like... a bell. So we were in and out within a matter of minutes. A separate dummy group of officers stayed behind to, of course, continue the search. We were traveling in a nondescript white flatbed truck with a blue tarp covering the object. Halfway back to Point Pleasant the tarp blew off the back of the trailer and the driver pulled over so we could retrieve it. I hopped out of the passenger seat and immediately an arm reaches around my chest and a Walther PPK is pressed into to my temple. This is how I met Anna Dietrich.
