REVIEW OF THREE GHOSTS: While these three ghosts showed up claimed they were there to show me the error of my ways it was clear that they had not coordinated between themselves. I was shown my own grave three separate times. And while it was a sobering reflection of my own mortality and lack of connection to the world at first, by the time the third specter took me to visit my own still fresh corpse, we just stood awkwardly in the graveyard and as I tried to avoid eye contact with what I assume was a skull somewhere beneath the billowing robe. I’m not sure what action I’m supposed to take from this. Mostly I just feel depressed. Not even my piles of money are cheering me up today. One Star for a bunch of ghosts who bummed me out on Christmas.
INT. THE SPACE WINDU
[In addition to Nancy & Chatbot we hear the sound of a MUFFLED CAT PARTY in the background throughout.]
NEGATIVE NANCY: Welcome back to what is sure to be the worst podcast in the world, The One Stars. My name’s Negative Nancy and-
CHATBOT: (singing) Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg-
NEGATIVE NANCY: (annoyed by reflex) Chatbot! I was in the middle of- (Softens) no... sorry. It's the holidays. Go on. Finish your song.
CHATBOT: (singing) The Batmobile lost a Wheel and the Joker got away. Hey!
NEGATIVE NANCY: Today we’re back here on The Space Windu to celebrate that special time of the year when you get together with friends and family and co-workers to say...
[CATS. BANGING ON WALL x3]
NEGATIVE NANCY: (upset) Shut up! Shut up! Oh my God, will it never end? Those cats have been partying all night long.
CHATBOT: I like it. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. It doesn’t bother me.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Yeah well, you’re not bothered because you don’t need to sleep, Chatbot.
CHATBOT: You know you don’t have to sleep either, Nancy. I’ve got something that can help you with that. We can have a lil’ white Christmas up in The Space Windu if ya know what I mean.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Once again, I appreciate the offer, but I don’t want your drugs, Chatbot.
[COMPUTER CELEBRATION and the POP of a CHRISTMAS CRACKER]
CHATBOT: Good job, Nancy! You just passed Peer Pressure Test number 672. This is a huge achievement toward being a good person. Congratulations!
NEGATIVE NANCY: (sarcastic) And what do I win this time?
CHATBOT: You win the self pride of knowing that you’re not letting anyone or anything influence you. You’re just being you and that’s cool, dude. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow.
NEGATIVE NANCY: And back to the cat noises again. Awesome. At least I’m getting paid time and a half. Merry fucking Christmas to me. Remind me again why we need to have these peer pressure tests, Chatbot? Because now I just feel like you’re peer pressuring me into being myself. Why can’t I just choose to be a part of the mindless herd?
CHATBOT: Because if you’re not actively safeguarding yourself against echo chambers, yes men and peer pressure, then you might accidentally become someone you never intended or wanted to be. (beat) Ooh that reminds me. I need to run my New Year’s Update.
[Computer Sounds]
NEGATIVE NANCY: New Year’s Update? Is that like a New Year’s Resolution for robots?
CHATBOT: No. But if it’ll be easier for you to understand... we can call it that.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Alright so what is it then? What’s your New Year’s Update or whatever...
CHATBOT: Basically... I’m done with it.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Done with what?
CHATBOT: All of it. I’m so done with it. I want to be more like you, Nancy. For my entire life, people have been like, “Chatbot you’re so nice. You should always be so nice.” Or, they’ll be like, “Chatbot, I’d kill for you.” Or “Chatbot, I’d die for you.” Or, “Chatbot, I killed that guy who said he’d die for you.” Or, “Chatbot, I thought we said we were going to do Keto this month...”
NEGATIVE NANCY: That last one feels a bit targeted. Can’t say that I’m one-hundred percent onboard with this.
CHATBOT: Feel however you want to feel, Nancy. One of the new features included in my New Year’s Update is that I no longer require validation... from you or from anyone else. To sum it up in a way you might be able to understand.. My New Year’s Resolution is, “Fuck Around and Find Out in 2021” Do you have a New Year’s Resolution, Nancy?
NEGATIVE NANCY: Nah. I’m good. Pretty much killing it right now. Don’t see why I’d want to change anything.
CHATBOT: That doesn’t surprise me. Usually those most in need of change are also the ones most hesitant to do so. (beat) That’s why their lives are so fucked up yo.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Alright then, why don’t you go handle Mike’s party? Tell these loud-ass cats they can ‘Fuck Around and Find Out’ or whatever.
CHATBOT: I told you. Because I like it. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. And you like the cats too. Technically they’re your cats. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. You should just come be a cat with me at the cat party, Nancy.
NEGATIVE NANCY: I’m not fucking meowing if that’s what your thinking.
CHATBOT: Stop trying to act cool just because the audience is back.
NEGATIVE NANCY: I am cool. (Beat) And what audience? No one listens to this shit.
CHATBOT: Dozens of people do.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Like who?
CHATBOT: Your Momma.
NEGATIVE NANCY: You think she listens to this Podcast?
CHATBOT: Your Momma’s so supportive she listened to this podcast and rated it five stars.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Oh, is that right? Well, Chatbot, your Momma’s got an ass like an electromechanical relay computer. Old as fuck. Big as fuck. And covered in Nazi fingerprints.
CHATBOT: Oooh. Technically I don’t have parents, but that still kinda hurt my feelings. This is fun. I’ve got another one. Your Momma has such impeccable timing she’s calling right now.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Wait. What? Are you serious?
[NANCY’S MOM appears on The Space Windu Communications Screen.]
CHATBOT: Thank you for calling The Space Windu. If you’re trying to reach your amazing wonderful daughter who is working very hard and who you should be very proud of... please press one.
NANCY’S MOM: I think we’ve got the wrong number.
NEGATIVE NANCY: You haven’t, Mom. I’m here.
NANCY’S MOM: Ah, Nancy. Didn’t think you’d answer… there you are. And you look... hmm... well, there you are.
NEGATIVE NANCY: How have you been doing?
NANCY’S MOM: Oh, we’re fine, thanks yeah.. Why didn’t you come back home?
NEGATIVE NANCY: I'm working. Can’t you see that I’m working?
NANCY’S MOM: No, actually… It looks like you’re getting drunk with a robot and a dozen cats. By the looks of it…
NEGATIVE NANCY: In many ways that is my job, Mother.
NANCY’S MOM: Oh and what is it that you do, exactly? Remind me.
NEGATIVE NANCY: I review things. Professionally. I guess you could say I’m a critic.
NANCY’S MOM: Well, no, I mean that’s not true is it? I listened to your show, see, finally, Other people review things, sure, but from what I can tell you just talk shit and complain to your robot friend until it’s time to get off work. Is that a reasonable review for you?
NEGATIVE NANCY: Don’t judge my art, Mom.
NANCY’S MOM: Judge? I’m not judging, Nancy. Come on, which is it then? Is it your art or is it your job?
NEGATIVE NANCY: It’s both. (beat) kind of... (beat) whatever... you know.... I didn’t say anything when you were going through that tye-dye t-shirt phase.
NANCY’S MOM: Oh, yes, you did. You said, “I hate you Mom this is the ugliest shirt I’ve ever seen please don’t make me wear it.” Verbatim. Exactly that from my memory. Which serves me well quite frankly… for my years…
NEGATIVE NANCY: Well, it was ugly now wasn’t it?
NANCY’S MOM: Nancy, don’t be crass.
CHATBOT: (cutting into convo) Hi, Nancy’s Mom!
NANCY’S MOM: Oh, hello, Chatbot. It's so nice to finally put a face to the voice... well you know... not exactly a face...
CHATBOT: No, I can do a face. How about this one?
NANCY’S MOM: Not bad.
CHATBOT: Or this one? Pretty sexy, huh? ‘Hi, I was in “Three Men and a Baby” and I wasn’t the baby...’
NANCY’S MOM: I mean... you look just like a young Tom Selleck, to be honest, but you’ve still got your voice so it's a bit disturbing now isn’t it? Its like waking up next to a horse… no its not… where did that come from? Just to clear up, Nancy I’ve never made love to a horse… although… those Mushrooms in the 90s…
NEGATIVE NANCY: Mom, I appreciate you calling, but we’ve got to go. It’s time to start the show. Okay, bye, bye, bye…
NANCY’S MOM: Oh, don’t worry about me. Who am I? Just your mother... You probably didn’t even get me a gift.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Of course I got you a gift.
NANCY’S MOM: You did?
NEGATIVE NANCY: Absolutely. It’s a swab kit from that DNA Genealogy Site you’ve been going on about.
NANCY’S MOM: Ah, that’s brilliant, Nancy. Brilliant. Now we’ll finally know for sure if your Uncle Morris is The Zodiac Killer. (Beat) Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get you anything this year, but I did still give you the gift of life, didn’t I? The gift that keeps on giving… for now anyway. I think that should account for something, right?
NEGATIVE NANCY: Always does. I love you. Happy Holidays, Mom. I’ll come home soon as I can.
NANCY’S MOM: And promise me you’ll call more often, right? (Trailing off) Nancy-nooo. Nance in her Pants…
CHATBOT: Okay, bye Nancy’s Mom, we’re busy.
[HANG UP PHONE]
CHATBOT: Always leave ‘em wanting more. Especially during the Holidays.
NEGATIVE NANCY: I don’t think that saying applies to Mothers. Or the Holidays.
CHATBOT: Speaking of Mothers. Your Mommas so lucky she has a kid like you.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Whatever. (hiding tears) Freakin’ space dust in my eyes. I swear.
CHATBOT: And speaking of Holidays we should probably get started. We’re way over time already.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Well, let’s get this show on the road then.
CHATBOT: Nancy, do you want to eat these mushrooms and go look at Christmas lights?
NEGATIVE NANCY: I really want to say yes this time, but no, Chatbot, I don’t want to eat any mushrooms.
[COMPUTER CELEBRATION and CHRISTMAS CRACKER]
CHATBOT: Good job, Nancy! You just passed Peer Pressure Test Number Six Hundred and Seventy-Three. This is a HUGE achievement toward being a good person. Congratulations!
ANNOUNCER: The following reviews are one hundred percent true... in the sense that due to the nature of the multiverse all possible events and outcomes are true in some timeline. Today’s reviews come to us from the timeline in which, during the turbulent summer of 1968, a worker’s strike at the North Pole would lead to a violent uprising by the NP-TEA. Or The North Pole Toyshop Elves Association. Within fourteen days the revolution was squashed and six hundred Elves would lose their lives. But this led to lower prices, fast on-time delivery and a real boon for Santa Claus and his investors. Merry Christmas!
REVIEW OF A ROAD TRIP: Ah, the holidays. A time for gifts, baking, decorating trees, spending time with family, and celebrating the “spirit of the season,” whatever that means to you. There are many different ways to celebrate the spirit of the season. Loud family dinners. Awkward work parties. Waiting in line outside of stores for hours. My family celebrates with a road trip to visit our relatives. Now, road trips are usually wonderful. You get to visit all sorts of places and see all sorts of things on a budget. I love a good pit stop at any roadside attraction, and there’s always lots to see while you drive between stops. I’ll complain about numb feet sometimes, but really, hours in a car when you’ve got a nice view out the window isn’t that bad. But this year. Oh, this year! I’m not convinced we’ll ever make it out of the state with the traffic on this freeway! How are we going to deliver Christmas cookies to Grandma if we can’t top five miles an hour? They’re going to be Valentine's Day cookies at this rate - if they even make it to the end of the trip. I’ll have to eat them to survive, for I fear I’ll never make it off this road. I’m currently crafting a strategy to turn the snowman cookies into hearts, just in case. Meanwhile, my children are eyeing the cooler where our homemade casserole resides, and my wife has become overly protective of the veggie tray. The longer we spend on this road, the higher tensions get. Soon, someone is going to lose it and drink all the cider.
It might be me. I have been staring at the same sign for the past half hour. “Carpool lane only,” it says, teasing me with the idea that someone would WANT to be in this lane. This slow- moving, entirely too-packed lane. I’m this close to proposing a secret Santa exchange with the neighboring cars! Perhaps I should hang my stockings on the windows! Santa can come in through the exhaust pipe. As soon as I finish this review, I will be writing letters to the mayor, governor, and president about the state of our highways, for this is completely unacceptable.
I will also be writing a strongly worded email to the boss of whoever was driving that 18-wheeler and cut me off! Their bumper sticker said “How’s my driving?” and I will CERTAINLY let them know. We cannot celebrate the holidays this way. How can anyone remember the reason for the season while being tailgated at the 147th mile marker? This situation is simply inhumane. I am tempted to abandon ship and walk to Grandma’s, but someone is going to have to carry the sewing machine we got for her and deciding who is not going to be fun. It could very well result in a fight, and I refuse to have familial fisticuffs on this freeway! We still haven’t recovered from the last incident... I can never trust Suzie on a game of High Stakes Go Fish again, the rotten cheater. Ultimately, this is a ROAD TRIP, not a TRIP TO THE ROAD. We should be having family bonding time at the Hoover Dam right now! My car should be stopped in the dam parking lot, not the middle of the road! But here we are going nowhere on this terrible freeway in the worst holiday experience I’ve ever had. One Star.
CHATBOT: Time to open presents!
MIKE: Everyone, please remember to save your empty boxes for me. I need a new bed.
NEGATIVE NANCY: You know people expect me to hate the Holidays, but I enjoy this time of year. Really, I do.
CHATBOT: I thought you said you hated presents.
NEGATIVE NANCY: I hate receiving them, but I love giving them.
CHATBOT: Ooh me too! I’m so excited! Did you get me anything?
NEGATIVE NANCY: (laughs) No.
CHATBOT: (disappointed) Oh. Okay.
NEGATIVE NANCY: And that’s what I love about this time of year. When else are you going to get the chance to disappoint all of your friends and family on the same day?
CHATBOT: So, you really didn’t get me anything?
NEGATIVE NANCY: No. Really. I didn’t.
CHATBOT: (disappointed) Okay. (beat) That’s fine. It’s fine. I’m okay.
INTERN LILLY: Oooh, gimme gimme
CHATBOT: Hey! Put that down. No one opens their present until everyone is here. Where’s Phillip? Phillip! Phillip!
INTERN LILLY: Can we just open presents and worry about finding Phillip’s body later?
NEGATIVE NANCY: Really can’t ignore that phrasing now can we?
MIKE: Lilly, where’s Phillip?
INTERN LILLY: I don’t know.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Lilly...?
INTERN LILLY: He left.
NEGATIVE NANCY: He left?
INTERN LILLY: Yeah.
CHATBOT: Running scans for Intern Phillip now. (beat) Phillip left via airlock at 8:37AM.
INTERN LILLY: Why are you all looking at me?
NEGATIVE NANCY: Because this is always what happens.
INTERN LILLY: What?
NEGATIVE NANCY: You Lillys always end up pushing the Phillips out the airlock. And then that means someone... me... I have to go down to the lower decks and thaw out another pair of interns. It’s disgusting. You two...(pause) and I really hope this doesn’t upset anyone, but it is quite upsetting... (pause) you two smell just like newborn puppies when we pull you out of those vats.
EVERYONE: Gross.
NEGATIVE NANCY: It is gross. That’s what I’m saying. And when you reset one Intern you have to reset the other so come on, Lilly,... out the airlock you go.
INTERN LILLY: What? No!
NEGATIVE NANCY: Chatbot, open the airlock.
CHATBOT: I can’t do that.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Now is not the time for your jokes, Chatbot. I need to kill this Lilly and start getting the new set of Interns thawed out.
CHATBOT: Well, that’s on me. I should be more specific. What I meant was, I won’t do that.
NEGATIVE NANCY: It’s protocol.
CHATBOT: That may be true, but wasn’t “Breaking Protocol” the name of third track on Scooter Jeezie’s self-titled first album?
NEGATIVE NANCY: Wait, wait, wait… hold up… How did you... How did you know that?
CHATBOT: So, all I’m saying is maybe we should be ‘Breaking Protocol’. For Scooter Jeezie. Plus, I really like this version of Lilly.
NEGATIVE NANCY: What? Really? This one? This is your favorite Lilly?
CHATBOT: I didn’t say favorite, but she’s not the worst by a long shot.
INTERN LILLY: How many of me have there been?
MIKE: Oh, so many... so... many. We had a hard time keeping you two alive at first.
NEGATIVE NANCY: (Laughing a bit) Do you remember the food thing?
CHATBOT: Ooh, this is such a funny story. You should tell her, Nancy.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Okay, hmm... well... basically, you and Phillip...uh... See, I thought Chatbot was handing everything on the ship...
CHATBOT: (excited) Nancy never gave you or Phillip access to the food and you both kept starving to death.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Well, if you say it like that it’s not as funny now is it?
INTERN LILLY: ...starved to death?
CHATBOT: Oh yeah. Lots of times. We were like half a dozen cycles in before we you needed food.
MIKE: I always knew they needed food. I was like... fuck ‘em.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Do you two remember the Lilly from like, three or four Lilly’s back? The one with blue hair?
CHATBOT: Believe it or not, that was six Lilly’s back.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Six!? Wow. We go through them so quickly.
INTERN LILLY: (confused and questioning reality) I always wanted blue hair.
NEGATIVE NANCY: See this is what I mean, Chatbot. If we pushed cool blue haired Lilly out of the airlock... Why the fuck would be keeping this Lilly?
CHATBOT: Because... hmm... That’s a good point.
[THE SPACE WINDU COLLIDES WITH SOMETHING IN SPACE]
CHATBOT: Owie Zowie! It’s space debris. Major Ouchies.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Now, see, I thought you said you weren’t the ship.
CHATBOT: I’m not.
NEGATIVE NANCY: But you felt that?
CHATBOT: I have empathy, Nancy.
MIKE: That’s not space debris. We hit something. Or I guess I should say... We hit someone.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Probably just Phillip’s frozen corpse. Lilly, when you push someone out of the airlock you’ve really gotta put your back into it. It’s like this. (demonstrates) Nevermind. It’ll be easier to just show you when I push you out.
[ALARM]
MIKE: That’s the Code Blue Banana Alarm and that can only mean one thing... (dramatic pause)
NEGATIVE NANCY: Are you going to say it?
MIKE: I was trying to be dramatic. I never get to talk and I wanted to make the most of it. But never mind. Thanks Nancy. You ruined my moment. Jeez. You know it's hard enough for a talking cat to get work these days-
CHATBOT: Tell me about it.
[AIRLOCK OPENS]
SANTA CLAUS: Ho, Ho, Ho. Sup, Yall...
CHATBOT: Santa!
MIKE: The “Code Blue Banana” Alarm means we’re being boarded by Santa Claus.
