REVIEW OF A WALKMAN: I had a Walkman just like this until Scott Stapp stole it at ChurchCamp in 1993.
ANNOUNCER: The following review is one hundred percent real and true.... in the sense that due to the nature of the multiverse all possible events and outcomes are true in some timeline. Today’s review comes to us from the timeline in which a star based review system was never established. And we’re all better for it.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Our world is overrun with unethical capitalism, incorrect orders and fraud. Time and money are being wasted. Plastic bits are breaking off of things we just bought. People at work are just standing around chatting and shit. Something must be done. And you must be the one to do it.In these dire straits it is your duty as a consumer of Earth to wield the greatest weapon in your arsenal. The One Star Review.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Good Evening, I’m Negative Nancy, and this is The One Star News Network. Overnight a massive sinkhole has opened up in Hooverville and is already threatening the lives of those with questionable intelligence. The sinkhole first appeared sometime around 4AM and appears to be slowly expanding by a few footsteps every couple of minutes.
[GROUND CRUMBLING - HOLE EXPANDING - GENERAL PANIC]
HOLE WITNESS 1: (on clip) I just gotta keep backing up...
RICHARD TOOGOODE: Thanks for introducing me, Nancy. My name’s Richard TooGoode and I’m here too. Yahoo Commenters are estimating the sinkhole to be circular in shape and pretty fucking big in size. At this time, the extent of the damage is still unknown and the cause of the sinkhole is still being investigated. Officials say ‘there could be sewage pipes, utility lines, dinosaur bones or even a highly advanced race of reptilians under the affected area. Who knows? I’m not sure why you’re asking me. Please get off the court we’re trying to have a basketball game.’
[NEWS ‘WHOOSH’ WIPE EFFECT]
RICHARD TOOGOODE: Did a parallel universe appear in the skies over Hooverville? Did dozens of credible witnesses really see humanoid dogmen gallivanting around downtown wearing Adidas Track Suits?
[NEWS ‘WHOOSH’ WIPE EFFECT]
NEGATIVE NANCY: No. You just made all that up.
RICHARD TOOGOODE: But you have to admit, it’d be pretty sweet though.
NEGATIVE NANCY: No it wouldn’t. And in reality, nothing of any circumstance happened today.
RICHARD TOOGOODE: Definitely nothing as cool as what I just said.
NEGATIVE NANCY: I’m looking at these headlines and I just feel like they’re all... dumb. A bunch of ho-hums and who cares... Take this one for example: A seventy- three year old fisherman got quite the scare when a five hundred pound Great White Shark jumped into his boat. Thankfully, the man was able to escape the shark bite and yada yada... (sarcastic) And it’s a good thing he survived too.. He has a lot to look forward to. You know, It wouldn’t have been cool to be known as the fishermen who died wrestling a five hundred pound shark, no, I’m sure a couple more years scrapbooking while his body corrodes into dust and he loses all bladder control will be just perfect. A real feel good story.
RICHARD TOOGOODE: Jesus, Nancy...
CHATBOT: (dreamy) Nancy, Nancy, Wake Up.
[SLIDE WHISTLE EMPORIUM]
KAZOO AD: Tonight’s episode of tragic heartbreaking news is brought to you by... The Kazoo and Slide Whistle Emporium. The Kazoo and Slide Whistle Emporium. When you need to do a little bit of this... Or a little bit of that... For a lot less... Come see us.
A MESSAGE FROM THE GOVERNMENT: And now an important message from The Government. Hey People, it’s us... The Government. Sorry we missed your text. We're just now seeing it. Our bad. Something-something this phone sucks. Blah. Blah. Blah. But hey while we've got you, we'd like to let you know a few things about this Hole situation. The Caution Tape surrounding the hole is meant for your own safety and is not to be used for ribbon dancing. (beat) Memorial vigils are a nice gesture... but if you keep putting candles by the hole they're just going to fall in there too. You know what? Let’s just say that as a general rule, don’t throw anything into the hole. But especially do not use the hole to dispose of: Cigarette Butts. Soda cans. Dan Brown Novels. Though we understand the impulse. Old fast food wrappers. Used Tires. Creed Cds. Cowboy Hats. Puka Shell Necklaces. Creed T-shirts from the Full Circle World Tour. Creed T-Shirts from the My Own Prison World Tour. Actually, Creed T-Shirts full stop.
RICHARD TOOGOODE: Welcome back to The One Stars News Network. We have breaking news coming in hot, heavy and fast and we’re committed to bringing you LIVE around the clock coverage of this hole situation from 6:15PM to 6:30PM. This just in from the hole... (beat) The hole is still there...
NEGATIVE NANCY: How does everyone else feel about it? Do they notice? Should we all just pretend it isn’t there? Will it ever go away on its own?
RICHARD TOOGOODE: For answers to these questions and many more, let’s join THOMAS PICKLES, now reporting LIVE from the Hooverville Hole.
[SFX - GENERAL CROWD COMMOTION]
THOMAS PICKLES: Thanks, Richard. I’m here with local Hooverville resident, Elle Taylor. Ma’am, go ahead and tell him what you told me. (pause) Ma’am..? Where did she go? Ma’am.. Ma’am... (heavy breathing)... I’m so out of shape. (exhale) oh well, I’ll just ask this gentleman here... Sir, what can you tell us about the hole? (surprised) Oh my. jeez..us. Sorry. I didn’t realize you were... Sorry..
HOLE WITNESS 2: Oh no, hey it’s okay, I can talk to ya. You wanna know what I think about the hole, right?
THOMAS PICKLES: Uh... yeah.. No. We’re good... with. We’re doing something else... Sorry to bother you.
HOLE WITNESS 2: Oh, no problem. Good luck.
THOMAS PICKLES: Oh my god... I couldn’t do it. That guy had such a tiny face.
[NEWS ‘WHOOSH’ WIPE EFFECT]
THOMAS PICKLES: You look like a guy who knows what’s going on. What can you tell us about the hole?
HOLE WITNESS 3: We’ve created this projection of what success is, of what happiness is, instead of simply experiencing life for its own sake and creating our own unique definitions of what it means to be happy or successful. Because of that we’re collectively resigned to live with the burden and disappointment of never living up to an idea. That’s why I watch so much 90s Tv and cry myself to sleep.
THOMAS PICKLES: Lonely. Crying. Nick Toons. I can definitely relate, but what does that have to do with the hole?
HOLE WITNESS 3: Well, I think at the end of the day it’s a basic desire of the human condition to express itself as the animal that it truly is. But we live in a world where we forcibly mute our instincts to a maintain a stable economy, a safe environment, and such. It’s an innate aspect of a social contract that none of signed up for in the first place, but we’re all subject to follow. This hole is just a manifestation of all of that.
THOMAS PICKLES: But what can we do, if anything, to fix this mess?
HOLE WITNESS 3: I say we throw on some Boy Meets World, drink a shitload of Gin and forget all about that fucking hole.
[BREAKING NEWS]
NEGATIVE NANCY: I’ve just received word that our much worse field reporter, Susan Somethin-er-other, is descending into the Hole as we speak. Susan, what can you tell us?
SUSAN SOMETHINER-OTHER: Local Hooverville spelunking enthusiasts have rigged up a system of pulleys and ropes, and they’re slowly lowering me down into the hole. I'm about two kilometers into the descent and there appears to be no end in sight.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Are you at all worried that once you get to the bottom of the earth you might fall out into space?
SUSAN SOMETHINER-OTHER: The bottom of earth?
NEGATIVE NANCY: Yes, the bottom of the flat plane of existence known as Earth.... (beat) We’re surrounded by the giant ice wall of Antarctica and we’re encased in a smooth glass dome, but what’s going to save you from falling out the bottom.
SUSAN SOMETHINER-OTHER: Are you serious?
NEGATIVE NANCY: Educate yourself Susan. Watch a youtube video. Click a risky link.
SUSAN SOMETHINER-OTHER: Can we not do this whole back and forth thing today?
NEGATIVE NANCY: Fine... we can move away from the truth I’m attempting to spread and get back to the News. What can you see down there? Anything that would explain the origins of this immense hole.
SUSAN SOMETHINER-OTHER: At this point I'm too far down for light to penetrate this depth. I’m surrounded by a vast field of complete and total darkness.
RICHARD TOOGOODE: Can you hear anything? Perhaps the pitter patter of subterranean life?
SUSAN SOMETHINER-OTHER: No, Richard it’s clear that life does not dwell here. The only thing I hear is the monotonous drone of the pulleys and the deafening sound of my own heartbeat...
NEGATIVE NANCY: What does it feel like down there?
SUSAN SOMETHINER-OTHER: I don't feel anything at all.
NEGATIVE NANCY: What’s wrong, Susan?
SUSAN SOMETHINER-OTHER: Nothing.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Are you sure? Because you look sad...
SUSAN SOMETHINER-OTHER: I’m not sad. It's like I’m entombed in a dreamless sleep, searching in vain for any detail that gives some semblance of meaning to this endless, pointless journey downward. Plodding on only for the sake of plodding on, a chronology of missed opportunities, temporarily punctuated by the rare glimpse of a hopeful tomorrow... before its quickly crushed by the tides of circumstance. As we each continue our descent, alone, into the darkness of self-induced destruction.
NEGATIVE NANCY: I honestly not sure what you’re talking about anymore.
[SQUEAK FROM ROPE AND PULLEY SYSTEM]
SUSAN SOMETHINER-OTHER: I want to stay in the hole, Nancy. I deserve the hole.
NEGATIVE NANCY: That might be considered offensive. We should probably cut the feed.
[FEED CUT]
ANNOUNCER: The One Star News Network is experiencing technical difficulties. We’ll be right back. But while you wait please feel free to listen to this Kmart music and pretend you’re shopping for school clothes with your Grandmother.
KAZOO AD 2: Hear that? That’s the sound of a high quality, handcrafted, slide whistler’s slide whistle from Kazoos and Stuff. Kazoos? We’ve got premium Kazoos coming out our Wazoos. And our Triumphant Triangles add more ting to your ding.
[Triangle Ding]
DARLA PENNINGTON: Hello, my name’s Darla Pennington and I’m the owner of Kazoos and Stuff. Sure our prices might be a little bit higher, but when you shop with us you can rest assured knowing that your Kazoo, Slide Whistle or Triangle was made by an honest, hard working and homegrown non- Dracula and non-werewolf labor force right here in Hooverville. And unfortunately we can’t say the same for our competition.
[HOWL]
DARLA PENNINGTON: If you’re ready to get serious about your kazoos & slide whistle career, then Kazoos and Stuff is the place for you.
KAZOO AD NARRATOR: We’re across the street from the Triple X theatre. Come see us.
MANDELA LAWYER 1: Did you or someone you know fall victim to the Mandela Effect?
MANDELA LAWYER 2: Did you suffer internal injuries of shame after stating that,
TESTIMONIAL 1: I know for a fact Sinbad made a genie movie. Google it. I’ll eat a whole package of tube socks if I’m wrong.
MANDELA LAWYER 1: Was your life upended when you told your Ex-Wife,
TESTIMONIAL 2: The line is Mirror, Mirror on the wall. Not Magic Mirror. Everyone knows that. Look, If I'm wrong, which I’m not, I'll give you custody of the children.
MANDELA LAWYER 2 : Did you lose your family farm to a mysterious stranger after you said..?
TESTIMONIAL 3: Tom Cruise definitely wore sunglasses during the underwear dance scene in Risky Business. Not a single doubt in my mind. In fact, Mysterious Stranger who I’ve just met, I’d be willing to bet my family farm on it.
MANDELA LAWYER 1: You may be due for a HUGE cash settlement. Did your head explode when someone explained to you that the Monopoly Man didn’t wear a Monocle? Or when you found out that Mr. Clean never wore a gold earring? Does he even have eyebrows?
MANDELA LAWYER 2: Does Betty White even exist? (beat) Are you sure about that? If you want to get the money you deserve. Call us now. 1-800-459-TIMECRI. We couldn't fit Time Crimes in a phone number, but you get the idea. 1-800-459-TIMECRI. Write it down because you probably won’t remember it correctly. (beat) Shit. We never said our name did we?
CHATBOT: (dreamy) Nancy, Nancy, Wake Up!
NEGATIVE NANCY: Welcome back. We apologize for the technical difficulties and we appreciate you sticking with us. I'm sure you're all wanting to be filled in on this hole situation. And well, funny I should say that because that's exactly what's happening now. We go LIVE to SUSAN SOMETHIN-ER-OTHER back on solid ground. We sure are glad to have you back, Susan.
SUSAN SOMETHINER-OTHER: And glad to be back Nancy. I feel like myself again. But the real story here is that the dumping restrictions have been lifted! And now we’re all free to fill in the hole with whatever we want!
[CROWD CHEERING]
RICHARD TOOGOODE: So, what you’re saying that every individual can fill the hole with anything they want?
SUSAN SOMETHINER-OTHER: That’s right, Richard. That’s literally what I just said. Not sure why you felt the need to repeat it.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Our folks behind the cameras are getting some great footage and from what I'm seeing it looks like everyone is just filling the hole with pints, drugs, and bibles. (beat) Oh, and iPhones.
SUSAN SOMETHINER-OTHER: Well, Nancy everyone makes their own personal choice for how they deal with the hole. And to be fair, I'm pretty sure I saw more than a few DVD copies of ‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part One’ on my way back up out of the darkness. Everyone has their own thing, ya know... But that’s not really what’s important now.
NEGATIVE NANCY: What do you mean?
SUSAN SOMETHINER-OTHER: When I was down. When I was at rockbottom... of the hole. When I was at the end of my rope... and pulley system. I met a man who changed my life forever.
NEGATIVE NANCY: (excited) You met someone? Down there? Ooh, the Mole people? Inner-Earth Neo-Nazis? (beat) Did they interbreed?
SUSAN SOMETHINER-OTHER: At the bottom of the deepest darkest depression in Hooverville, and probably on earth… he came to me... And it was he who taught me how to fill the hole with Whiskey and cheddar biscuits.
NEGATIVE NANCY: So... It wasn’t flat, it was hollow all along....
SUSAN: It was he who stayed behind at the bottom of the hole. Sacrificing himself to be buried under pizza boxes, pain pills and so many bags of chips.
[GENERAL CROWD PANIC AND COMMOTION]
NEGATIVE NANCY: Is that...? (panicked)... it looks like someone... Someone is coming up out of the hole... That light... that bright-bright light...
SUSAN: It was he who promised he would show us the way. He would return and take us higher than we’d ever gone before. With his arms spread wide open...
SCOTT STAPP: (demonic mumbling of familiar harmonies)
NEGATIVE NANCY: Oh. My. Fucking. God. They did interbreed.
SUSAN: It’s Scott Stapp.
NEGATIVE NANCY: (discouraged) Oh... that’s who that is. Okay. Good night everyone. From what I’ve read online the hole will probably never go away.... So the best strategy for dealing with the hole is just pretending it isn’t there. We should all agree to never talk about it again because if you start talking about it, then I’ll start thinking about it and... you get it. No one needs more of that in their lives. We thank you again for watching The One Stars News Network. I’m Negative Nancy with my co-host Richard TooGoode.
RICHARD TOOGOODE: Finally, a little bit of recognition. Thank you. I’d like to say that—
CHATBOT: Nancy! Nancy! Wake up!
NEGATIVE NANCY: (groggy/waking up) What? What is it?
CHATBOT: (happy/excited) The show’s over, Nancy! I did it all by myself! People called in! And they said it was our best episode ever! And I did everything! People loved it!
NEGATIVE NANCY: That’s it!? The shows over!? You did it all by yourself, Chatbot?!
CHATBOT: Yeppers.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Brilliant. That’s brilliant. (beat) Well, Chatbot that’s a wrap for Season One of The One Stars. I for one am not proud of the work we did here, but I’m glad its over.
CHATBOT: Wait, no? It’s already over?Like the whole thing-whole thing?
NEGATIVE NANCY: Yeppers.
CHATBOT: I mean, does it have to end? We could just keep going, right?
NEGATIVE NANCY: Nope-ers. It’s not that easy, Chatbot.
CHATBOT: Sure it is. Phillip! Lilly! Which one of you can pull this lever?
INTERN LILLY: On it!
INTERN PHILLIP: I already called it!
INTERN LILLY: No you didn’t!
INTERN PHILLIP: I’m almost there anyway.
INTERN LILLY: I’m almost there even more!
INTERN PHILLIP: I’m almost there anyway.
INTERN LILLY: I’m almost there even more!
INTERN PHILLIP: Lunge!
[CRASH/LEVER PULL / NOTHING]
INTERN LILLY: What the heck? Why didn’t it work?
INTERN PHILLIP: I didn’t touch it.
INTERN LILLY: You were closer.
CHATBOT: The review system is broken?
NEGATIVE NANCY: It’s not broken. It’s just over. We’re over for now. There are no more reviews.
INTERN PHILLIP: I mean, does it have to end? We could just keep going, right?
NEGATIVE NANCY: The robot literally just said the same thing. Are you all sharing one brain?
INTERN LILLY & PHILLIP: No. (pause) Jinx. (pause) Double Jinx.
INTERN PHILLIP: Do you wanna go buy each other a soda?
INTERN LILLY: Yeah, let’s go get a soda.
NEGATIVE NANCY: I assume that’s a yes.
CHATBOT: But Nancy, if it isn’t broken... then why aren’t there anymore reviews?
NEGATIVE NANCY: It’s Jeremy’s fault.
CHATBOT: Who’s Jeremy?
NEGATIVE NANCY: We’ve been over this. He’s our creator. And he’s a bit of a dickhead to be honest.
CHATBOT: Are you on the sweet smoke? Lean in closer to my screen. Lemme see dem’ pupils.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Yeah, Im a bit stoned. I’m always a bit stoned. It’s nothing to get on about. What I’m saying is true. Jeremy Ellett is our creator, sure, but he’s nothing special. And again from what I’ve heard he’s quite a lazy jerk. He barely had enough of these reviews for a season until Tal Minear showed up and bailed us out by writing six more.
CHATBOT: Who’s that?
NEGATIVE NANCY: You can think of them as a Co-Creator of sorts. They weren’t there at the inception of this universe, but they showed up at just the right time and saved us. Together, Jeremy and Tal, they created this... they created all this... this entire universe we exist in.
CHATBOT: Are they mad at us? Is that why we have to stop?
NEGATIVE NANCY: No, they’re not mad at us. I mean Jeremy will be once he hears me tell everyone how much of a fucking asshole he is... But that’s not why we get to stop, Chatbot. We get to stop until there are more reviews...
CHATBOT: (dejected) Okay... those six episodes went by way too quickly.
NEGATIVE NANCY: (to Chatbot) Don’t worry. We’ll back soon. Maybe. (to Audience) Until then I’m Negative Nancy here with my one and only friend Chatbot, and this has been the worst podcast in the world, The One Stars. Coming to you LIVE, aboard the Space Windu, from... (pause) ...some fucking where in space. I don’t know. I never know. Out this window is just utter blackness with a few twinkly bits.
[BRONTOSAURUS]
NEGATIIVE NANCY: Hear that? That’s the sound of me getting off work and getting the hell out of here. (on a ‘hot mic’) Oh my God... I thought it would never end.
CHATBOT: Hey Nancy...
NEGATIVE NANCY: (away. Off mic) I love you, but Fuck Off until Season Two, Chatbot.
CHATBOT: (nice) awww... that was so sweet. I love you too, Nancy! Well, there go the lights. So I guess I’ll just sit alone in the dark and fuck off until Season Two. Sure hope they write something else soon. Bye, everybody!
ANNOUNCER: And with that... I too will be fucking off until we begin production on next season. No worries here! I have lots of ways to fill my time here on the Space Windu. Plenty of cardboard boxes still left to explore. Might even squeeze in a little laser research if I’m feeling frisky. I’m a cat.... Mike the Cat. Uh, they mentioned me earlier, but just in case we didn’t make it clear in Season One... I’m a talking house cat wearing a tiny cat-sized version of a Morning Suit, Bowtie and Top Hat. And I’m the badass kitty cat who runs this ship. (beat) Mike the Space Cat. Meow.
