REVIEW OF A CLOTHES IRON: Why is this clothes iron made of aluminum? That’s extremely dishonest. It should be called a clothes aluminum. One Star.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Our world is overrun with unethical capitalism, incorrect orders and fraud. Time and money are being wasted. Plastic bits are breaking off of things we just bought. People at work are just standing around chatting and shit. Something must be done. And you must be the one to do it.In these dire straits it is your duty as a consumer of Earth to wield the greatest weapon in your arsenal. The One Star Review.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Hello, and welcome to The One Stars. My name’s Negative Nancy and I really don’t like the way you’ve been acting lately.
CHATBOT: Nancy, we have an incoming video chat request.
NEGATIVE NANCY: From who?
CHATBOT: Its a distress call from a nearby ship named “Don’t Answer”.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Not surprising. It’s my friend, Angelica. Just hit ignore. They probably accidentally jettisoned another one of their cats into space again.
CHATBOT: If they’re your friend and they’re in distress then we should help them.
[Communications Opened]
NEGATIVE NANCY: Dammit, Chatbot.
ANGELICA: (shouting off mic. sad/panic) Minnow! Minnow! Oh no, where did she go?
NEGATIVE NANCY: Knew it.
ANGELICA: Nancy?!
NEGATIVE NANCY: Hey Angie...
ANGELICA: Nancy, I have terrible news. Minnow ran away from home!
NEGATIVE NANCY: Angie you’re in a contained environment in space... there’s no way the cat could... you know what, nevermind… but seriously that has to be the tenth cat you’ve lost this year.
ANGELICA: Now is not the time for a debate on cat control. Have some respect for the victim. (beat) Me.
NEGATIVE NANCY: I’ll give you a single minute to do whatever it is you’re trying to do here. 59-58-57- Lilly! Phillip! Turn on the big clock.
INTERN LILLY: On it!
INTERN PHILLIP: On it!
INTERN LILLY: No, I already said I was on it.
INTERN PHILLIP: I can be on it too, though.
[TICKING LOCK HANDS]
ANNOUNCER: The following review is one hundred percent true.... In the sense that due to the nature of the multiverse all possible events and outcomes are true in some timeline. Today’s reviews come to us from the timeline in which Disney created the movie, Frozen, for the explicit purpose of keeping people from seeing pictures of Walt Disney’s frozen corpse when they search for Disney + Frozen online…. Good thing that’s not our universe, right? (beat) Wink.
REVIEW OF A CAT BED: I bought this bed for my cat a few months ago, and she loved it. As soon as I pulled it out of the box she sat in it and started purring. She didn’t even care about the box. You know a cat bed is good if the cat prefers it over a cardboard box. For an entire week I watched my cat sleeping only in this bed and looking so relaxed. I had to check it out for myself. It was fantastic! Not too soft, but not too firm, with a lovely layer of felt on the top. I was blown away and suddenly, I, a human, was very jealous of my cat. I wanted a bed just like it, but I soon discovered that you don’t make cat beds in human sizes. I decided to improvise. I bought twelve of you largest cat beds and made one big human cat bed. Or rather, a human bed out of these cat beds. Or really... a pile of cat beds. I made a pile of cat beds. It starts out great. Every night I fall asleep in heaven, but in the morning I wake up on my cold tile floor surrounded by cat beds. My cat has the luxury of waking up on the same wonderful bed she falls asleep on. I want that same luxury. I thought the bed frame wouldn’t be a problem, but the cat beds kept falling through the slats. I’ve slept on mattresses on the floor before, you know? But I really need that under-the-bed storage space. I’ve got dolls everywhere now! One mega- cat-bed-mattress would sit so nicely on my current bed frame. I could buy some plywood to cover the slats on my bed frame, but again, that’s money I wouldn’t have to spend if you’d simply make a larger bed! Just make a larger bed!!!! You would solve all my problems!!! But your company completely ignores its human clientele so you don’t even bother with including something that would help keep all the cat beds together!
I tried to the secondary market, but no one makes fitted sheets for a pile of cat beds. Standard fitted sheets will bunch, like, 7 of the cat beds up together, and unfitted sheets will just slip off during the night. Everyone knows that. I don’t want to use tape on my wonderful new bed because that would ruin the felt layer on top! I would forgo a sheet, except that I know when it came time to wash all these beds I would have one the worst days of my life. Taking the covers off of each of them, fitting them all in my washer, finding places to hang them for air drying... it just wouldn’t be good. These beds are wonderful, but their sizing is not. I find it completely unacceptable that they do not make these excellent beds in human sizes. I should not be doing all this extra work in order to get the same sleep my cat enjoys rent free. I will reevaluate my rating if you change your available sizes, but for now: One Star, Mr. Whisker’s Happy Cat Bed, One Star.
ANGELICA: (rushed) Residents of Brentwood, please be on the lookout for the cutest cat you’ve ever seen. Oh, I miss Minnow so much, I miss her little Minnow eyes and her little Minnow nose and her little Minnow paws.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Right. Just like you missed the last dozen of so cats you lost.
ANGELICA: Yeah, well that’s fair. But it doesn’t mean I didn’t love each and every one of them up until their untimely disappearance under mysterious circumstances.
[SFX - TICKING LOCK HANDS]
NEGATIVE NANCY: I love that clock. It really drives home my impatience.
ANGELICA: But what would really help me find Minnow is a volunteer from the audience. Anyone? You, sir? Don’t be shy. Anyone will do.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Angie, we’ve talked about this. You can’t call in and do magic on my show.
ANGELICA: I know. That’s not what this is about. I’ve accepted that my time with magic is over.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Do you remember what I told you?
ANGELICA: Its okay to give a... (mumble mumble)
NEGATIVE NANCY: What was that?
ANGELICA: It’s okay to give up on your dreams.
NEGATIVE NANCY: That’s right. No dreams for you. And no more cats either.
ANGELICA: Ugh…. I need a vacation.
CHATBOT: I wanna go to the Beach!
REVIEW OF THE BEACH: Here's what I expected when I went to the beach: picturesque palm trees, warm sand to lay on, the smell of salt in the air, the sound of the waves crashing on the shore... You know, the stuff that everyone loves to go on about when they talk about their wonderful beach trips. But let me tell you - those people are all LIARS. What greeted me at the beach was something the guidebook forgot to include, no reviews mentioned, and nobody bothered to tell me about - seagulls. SO MANY SEAGULLS. It might as well have been a bird sanctuary I visited, not the beach. I could barely see a speck of sand because of all the gulls swarming around, waiting for their chance to rip open my bag and grab my snacks. If you’re expecting nice warm sand, think again. There’s bird droppings everywhere. Want to listen to the waves? Ha. Try the sound of an endless, ever-repeating caw, caw, caw! I thought I was going to have a nice relaxing day - not that I would be going into battle.
The seagulls might have surprised me this time, but they will NOT be catching me unaware again! I have declared war on the seagulls. They are now my nemeses, every single one of them. The next time I go to the beach I will be arriving in a full suit of armor, with NO SNACKS for them to steal, no sir, not even a CRUMB! These birds have wronged me, and I will wrong them in return. My partner will tell you I am exaggerating, but you should know that they are a liar too. Do not listen to Cameron, for they have joined the ranks of the no good beach fans. People who enjoy the beach. Who aren’t bothered by the seagulls. Who think it’s fine to have their food taken and their beach day ruined. Who correct me and insist their beach day isn’t actually ruined by the seagulls. I would declare Cameron a traitor if not for the valuable intel they have agreed to provide me about the seagulls. I have boots on the ground and eyes on the sky!! With the addition of a quick google search, I am one step ahead of my foes. I am aware of their plans. I am aware of their purpose. And. I. Am. Coming for them. Hear that, seagulls? I know where you sleep! I know what you eat! I know your mating habits and gestation period. I also know it takes you forty days to learn to fly! Forty days??? Weak, Seagulls. Really, really weak! You will be no match for me when I attack!! I will update this review if I am triumphant in my war against the seagulls. Perhaps someday this beach will become the peaceful getaway it was advertised as. But as things currently stand, I do not recommend a trip to this beach. One Star.
ANGELICA: Nancy, I need to tell you something...
NEGATIVE NANCY: What now?
ANGELICA: It’s Minnow... she’s back.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Where did you find her?
ANGELICA: Right next to me on the couch. Oh my g- it was the strangest thing. It was like she...
[MAGICAL ‘POOF’]
NEGATIVE NANCY: (Cough) What the...? what’s all this smoke....
ANGELICA: (now in The Space Windu w/NANCY) ...appeared right before my eyes. Tada! The Resurrection of Minnow the Cat.
[CAT MEOW]
NEGATIVE NANCY: I’m not sure how you pulled this off, but if you’re waiting for me to start a slow clap then keep waiting. It’s all smoke and mirrors and instantaneous intergalactic teleportation. It’s really not impressive. And I still don’t get what any of this is about.
ANGELICA: I knew my teleportation would leave you in shock and awe. That’s why I’ve brought you this....
NEGATIVE NANCY: Why, Angie, it’s not even my birthday. You shouldn’t have. Really. You know I absolutely hate presents.
[PASSING HEAVY BOX BETWEEN HANDS]
NEGATIVE NANCY: This sucker has really got some weight to it.
ANGELICA: But before you open--
[OPENING BOX, LOTS OF CATS MEOWING]
NEGATIVE NANCY: Angie, this is a box of cats. What is this?
ANGELICA: You weren’t supposed to tell me. I wanted to guess... I was going to do a whole Schrodinger's thing, but...
NEGATIVE NANCY: Well, in that case, this could have been so much worse.
[A DOZEN CATS MEOWING]
NEGATIVE NANCY: Hear that? That’s the sound of twelve cats competing for my love and attention…. isn’t that right my little darlings. Yes it is.. With your little cutesy faces… yes it is, yeah I know… and that means it’s time to wrap things up with a review from your universe! Hit it Chatbot.
CHATBOT: Oh, someone’s done talking to their friends and finally remembers that I exist. I’m not doing it.
NEGATIVE NANCY: I don’t give a shit. I guess that’s the end then innit? Goodnight Everyone. (beat)…the fuck am I supposed to do with all these cats?
REVIEW OF AN APARTMENT COMPLEX: The three years I spent living at The Underwood Apartment Complex were some of the best years my life. Crammed within that 800 square foot two bedroom unit was everything I could ever want. I had an on-site dog park. Washer and Dryer hookups. Walk in Closets and Free Wifi! …and the unconditional love and support of my fiancé Rebecca. That is... until you decided to throw it all away for some goateed Bingo guy on a cruise ship. That’s right Becca, its me Rodney. You can delete my texts, dismiss my calls and throw away all the circle shaped cakes I leave on your balcony. But you can’t ignore the negative reviews left for The Underwood Apartment Complex on apartmenthunter.com... I know it’s a part of your job to have to respond to these. So Becky.. while I have a your attention... there’s a few things I’d like to clear up. Do you still love me? Is there a chance we’ll get back together? “So you’re telling me there’s chance....”...remember that Jim Carey movie. What’s this new guy’s deal? What does he have that I don’t have… exactly? I’d like to see an itemized list in your reply. You owe me that much at least. One Star. Please come back….
