DANY: (pre-roll message) Hey there, Folks! Just wanted to pop in real quick and say thank you thank you thank you. Thank you so much for listening. We appreciate you taking the time to check out the show! Producing new episodes is truly a labor of love. Since you’ve made it to Episode Four we’d love it if you’d take the time to leave us a rating or review. You don’t even have to write anything. You can just click the stars. But if you did want to write a few kind words I know for a fact that they would make our day. Even if it’s just one sentence, something simple like “this show rules…” will let us know that people who are listening are actually enjoying the show. If you don’t let us know that you enjoyed it then we’ll literally never know. If we made you laugh. If we made you think… considering leaving us a quick rating or review. Okay that’s it! Enjoy episode four!
REVIEW OF A TIME MACHINE: After you get a time machine it doesn’t take long to realize that nothing cool was or will be happening anywhere... Just a bunch of streets and homes and people trying to sell shit to other people. Time Travel is a freakin’ bummer. Sorry this wasn’t funny. One Star.
ANNOUNCER: The One Stars is recorded in front of a live studio audience... of aliens. Our world is overrun with unethical capitalism, incorrect orders and fraud. People are showing up late work or not showing up at all. Those same people give you shit when you call in. Rampant unprofessional fuckery is everywhere. Something must be done. And you must be the one to do it. In these dire straits it is your duty as a consumer of Earth to wield the greatest weapon in your arsenal. The One Star Review.
INTERN LILLY: You do it.
INTERN PHILLIP: No way. I’m not going out there. You do it.
INTERN LILLY: I called it.
INTERN PHILLIP: It doesn’t work like that.
INTERN LILLY: Rock, Paper, Scissors.
INTERN PHILLIP: That’s fair.
CROWD MEMBER 1: What’s going on? It’s been over ten minutes. If they make me wait twelve minutes I’m outta here.
INTERN LILLY: Come on. Let’s get this over with. They’re getting pretty restless out there.
CROWD MEMBER 2: I am feeling so restless right now!
INTERN LILLY: See.
INTERN PHILLIP: Ready?
INTERN LILLY & PHILLIP: 1… 2...3!
INTERN LILLY: What is that?
INTERN PHILLIP: It’s lava.
INTERN LILLY: Lava?
INTERN PHILLIP: Yeah, Lava. And it beats scissors. So...
INTERN LILLY: Well, what beats Lava?
INTERN PHILLIP: Umm... I’m not sure. But definitely not scissors.
INTERN LILLY: Ugh. You’re right.
CROWD MEMBER 2: I’m even more restless than I was before!
CROWD MEMBER 1: That’s twelve minutes. Come on Gang. We’re outta here.
GANG IN CROWD: Shut up.
INTERN PHILLIP: We’re losing ‘em.
INTERN LILLY: (nervous) Oh.. Hi. Hey hello everyone... How are you all doing tonight?
INTERN PHILLIP: Uhh... Nancy isn’t here yet. We aren’t sure where she is or when she will show up.
INTERN LILLY: But everything is A-okay. We’ve got it all handled. Do you know how to turn Chatbot on?
INTERN PHILLIP: No, do you?
INTERN LILLY: No. Do you know how to start a review? That might buy us some time.
INTERN PHILLIP: Umm... Maybe this button!
[BUTTON CLICKS - NOTHING HAPPENS]
INTERN LILLY: What about this lever?
[LEVER PULL - SCREEN COMES TO LIFE]
INTERN PHILLIP: Oooh-oooh look what you did.
INTERN LILLY: Nice! Looks like it says that it’s a review of a Rocket. That’ll definitely buy us some time.
REVIEW OF A ROCKET: I added extra propellant to this rocket and it just exploded! What the heck? It’s supposed to launch faster. One Star.
INTERN LILLY: That was so short! It didn’t buy us any time at all?
[LEVER PULL]
REVIEW OF A MOOD RING: Why does this Mood Ring always say I’m angry. I’m not angry! I’m never angry! I’m a very pleasant person. ONE STAR!
INTERN PHILLIP: What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?
[RINGING PHONE]
INTERN LILLY & PHILLIP: (surprised by phone) Ahh!
INTERN LILLY: Where’s that coming from?
INTERN PHILLIP: There's a phone underneath this desk?
INTERN LILLY: (to audience) Should we answer it?
CROWD MEMBER 2: yeah! Answer it!
CROWD MEMBER 3: Yeah, answer it!
CROWD MEMBER 2&3: An-swer-it. An-swer-it.
[PHONE STILL RINGING]
INTERN LILLY: I don’t know...? What about my people on the left side of the audience, should we answer it?
CROWD MEMBER 2&3: An-swer-it. An-swer-it.
[OVER THE TOP CHEESY CROWD CHEERS]
INTERN PHILLIP: And how about the people on the right?
CROWD MEMBER 2&3: An-swer-it. An-swer-it.
[OVER THE TOP CHEESY CROWD CHEERS]
INTERN LILLY: All right! I’m gonna do it.
CROWD MEMBER 3: Someone could be dying right now! Answer the phone!
[PHONE STOPS RINGING]
INTERN LILLY: Hello. Hello? Hello? (beat) They must have hung up.
[OVER THE TOP CROWD BOOS AND JEERS]
INTERN PHILLIP: Its ringing again! What should we do?
CROWD MEMBER 2: Answer the phone you dishwasher full of dildos.
INTERN LILLY: Hey!
[BOOS CONTINUE UNTIL PHONE STARTS RINGING AGAIN]
INTERN LILLY: Shh... shh.... Thank you for calling Capital One this is Lilly, how can I help you? (tone shift) yes. Yes. I know. Sorry. Yeah, Nancy I know this isn’t Capital One. It was a joke. (pause) Yes I know what they did to you... (pause) okay yeah well let’s do that then. (pause) How do I do that again? (pause) yeah, okay no problem. Got it. And putting you through in 3,2,1..
ANNOUNCER: The following reviews are one hundred percent real and true.... in the sense that due to the nature of the multiverse all possible events and outcomes are true in some timeline. Today’s reviews comes to us from the timeline in which humans drink water out of a big community bowl like dogs.
REVIEW OF THE WORLD’S LARGEST PENNY: 420 miles. That’s not a weed thing. That’s how far me and my father drove from Lancaster, PA to Westerville, Ohio, to see the Worlds Largest Penny. To really understand the impact of what happened you need to understand that my father was a huge fan of Abraham Lincoln. Gettysburg Address, Emancipation, Vampire Hunter. All of it. He saw Abraham Lincoln’s face on a burnt biscuit back in 1952 and he’s been all about that Lincoln shit ever since. One of the only items left on his Lincoln Log was taking a trip to see this penny. His Lincoln Log is sorta like a bucket list but of Abraham Lincoln related stuff. Some people think I’m talking about his dookies when I say that and its like, how would that even make any sense in context... Anyway, the reason I’m writing is to let you know that you, your family and everyone you’ve ever known are all dumb fucks and shit heads and you all deserve to have the worst birthdays in the world. If you’re going to flaunt an attraction like the World’s Largest Penny you’d better do something to protect it. But you were content with doing nothing. So, on his 86th and final birthday my father watched a vandal in a ridiculous costume carve a dollar sign onto the tip of Lincoln’s nose with a pair of scissors. I’ll always remember the pain and despair in my Father’s voice when asked me, “Why are they lettin’ the Hamburgler do that to Abe?” Unfortunately, that was a question I couldn’t answer at that time or now. This is without a doubt the worst thing anyone has ever done to my father or President Lincoln. Y’all could learn a thing or two from the JFK folks in Utah at The World’s Largest Half-Dollar.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Welcome back to the worst podcast in the world, The One Stars. My name’s Negative Nancy and I’m currently stuck in an intergalactic gridlock of space traffic. Who are all these assholes? Where did they come from? Where are they going? And why won’t they—-
PERSON IN TRAFFIC 1: Get the Fuck outta the way!
NEGATIVE NANCY: No one is moving. You aren’t missing anything.
PERSON IN TRAFFIC 1: What the fuck are you even doing? Where the hell did you get your license?
PERSON IN TRAFFIC 2: You can’t fit. No matter how hard you try you’re not gonna fit.
PERSON IN TRAFFIC 3: Oh, fuck you buddy.
[SPACE HORN HONKING - CONTINUOUS]
NEGATIVE NANCY: (shouting over horns) Mall! It’s a review of a Mall.
REVIEW OF A MALL: I know this mall has been closed down and abandoned for three years, but I took my step-children there last weekend and I couldn’t believe how bad it was! You didn’t have any stores. Not even a JC Penney. C’mon you guys! Parking wasn’t really an issue, but I couldn’t find a single entrance that wasn’t boarded up. Do you not want customers? And there was spray paint everywhere! The older one wouldn’t quit reading all the profane graffiti outloud, saying, “Lick my You-Know-Whats,” like she doesn’t know what she’s saying. And the little dumb one starting crying when I told him he had to climb through the busted out window. I don’t even like the mall! I prefer LaLaRue leggings and my Essential Oils, but these kids wouldn’t shut up about, “Lets Go to the Mall, Karen! Take us to the mall!” So what am I supposed to do? These aren’t my kids. Their well being is not my problem. The little dumb one wasn’t wearing shoes so he cut his foot and still hasn’t stopped crying about his little boo-boo. You people are monsters. Do you enjoy making children cuss and bleed? I pay your taxes. Do something about the graffiti and broken glass. No kid should have to read the words ‘Dong Magnet’ or crawl through a busted out window because you all are too lazy and cheap to do something about it.. This is exactly why I stick to small businesses like Mary Kay, Herbalife and AmWay. Shop Local You Guys.
PERSON IN TRAFFIC 4: Fuck you, buddy.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Yeah, fuck you, pal.
PERSON IN TRAFFIC 4: Hey wait a second, aren’t you Negative Nancy from that show, The One Stars?
NEGATIVE NANCY: Why yes, yes I am.
PERSON IN TRAFFIC 4: Hey that’s what I thought. Fuck you, Negative Nancy. That show sucks.
NEGATIVE NANCY: What’s your podcast called, Welcome Back to My Stupid Face.
PERSON IN TRAFFIC 4: Yeah, I bet you’d subscribe to that.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Oh, piss off...
PERSON IN TRAFFIC 4: Probably even leave a rating and a review.
NEGATIVE NANCY: I would leave a review! (beat) A One Star Review! (beat) Boom. Got ‘em.
REVIEW OF A GROCERY STORE: First off let me just say that I love this store. I love the meal deals. I love the discounts. I really love the donuts from your bakery. And I even love the little mascot guy, uh... whatever his name is. But with that being said, I find the atmosphere of Reeds Market to be tremendously lacking. For one it just hasn’t been the same since they removed the community drinking bowl. I’ve attempted to start multiple conversations with strangers either in the shopping aisles or in line or even sometimes in the parking lot, but I’ve received very little in friendly reciprocation. I even tried sneaking up on people and yelling boo or hiding their babies when they aren’t looking. Nothing works with these people! Just last week I had a bonkers run in with a lady over Easter candy of all things. Easter Candy! And not those candy corn or chocolate bunnies either. I’m talking about the eggs. And you know what eggs I’m talking about. Those little colorful dumplings full of stale white chalky cream. They are absolutely my favorite Easter Candy. Perfect conversation starter with a stranger, right? Just last week I was at Reeds and I saw these two women looking at all of the Easter candy and talking about what they liked and what they didn’t like. What wasn’t worth the money. And what was. One of them looks at the candy eggs. My candy eggs. And she says, “Ugh disgusting. Who would eat these things?” What? Perfect! Here’s my opening, I thought! I wanted to tell her that they were actually my very favorite Easter Candy, but I didn’t say anything. I was so scarred by all my previous grocery store friendship meet cute failures that I ended up just staring at them until they started whispering and pointing and left. I paid for my thirteen gallons of milk and rode my bike home. I went on with my life. I forgot about your store and I devoted more time to the important things... things like making my neck socks. My three eyed prayer dolls. And my flip books of skateboard tricks. But i could never shake the feeling that I missed an opportunity. Two weeks later, as fate would have it, I was back at Reeds on another milk run and I saw the same woman getting out of her vehicle in the parking lot. This time I would not miss my chance. I approached her vehicle shouting very clearly and very loudly, but also very politely, and said, “Hey Lady! I eat those Eggs! I’ll eat those eggs all day long!” She just screamed in my face and drove away without even buying anything. What a weirdo. Despite their excellent selection of food, well stocked shelves, low prices and superior customer service, Reeds Market does absolutely nothing to create a culture of community and togetherness in their stores. One Star.
INTERN LILLY: Shh shh she answered. Nancy, Lilly here...
NEGATIVE NANCY: I know it’s you Lilly, go on.
INTERN LILLY: Would you like for me to search for alternate routes you could’ve taken to avoid all this?
NEGATIVE NANCY: I hate everyone.
INTERN PHILLIP: Even me?
NEGATIVE NANCY: Yes, Phillip. Especially you. Please have The Space Windu prepared for me to dock once I get back. I don’t want to be out here in space stuck in this shitty little pod any longer than I have to.
INTERN PHILLIP: On it!
NEGATIVE NANCY: Speaking of being stuck in a shitty little pod, we’ve reached the end of another episode of The One Stars. Four down, two episodes to go, people. What are we going to get into next?
