REVIEW OF AN ERASER STORE: I’m sure some of you recognize my profile pic. Yes, this is the Ethan from Ethan’s Erasers. I’m the sole owner and operator of this establishment... and I’m also, apparently, a big fucking joke to you people. My lifelong dream of operating a high-end eraser boutique has been a huge and colossal mistake just like everything else in my life. But you people... you never make any mistakes. Apparently you never have to erase a goddamn thing! Who opens a High-End Eraser Store!? One Star.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Our world is overrun with unethical capitalism, incorrect orders and fraud. Fees are being hidden. Promotional Rates are expiring without notification. Rampant unprofessional fuckery is everywhere. Something must be done. And you must be the one to do it. In these dire straits it is your duty as a consumer of Earth to wield the greatest weapon in your arsenal. The One Star Review.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Sorry, I thought I had time to sneak in a quick call. Welcome back to The Space Windu for what is sure to be the worst podcast in the world, The One Stars. My name’s Negative Nancy and I’ve been on hold for forty-five fucking minutes. This is probably going to take awhile. Do you want to introduce the first review, Chatbot?
CHATBOT: I sure do. And I know just the one.
NEGATIVE NANCY: I’m going to regret this aren’t I?
CHATBOT: Its Beans.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Just beans?
CHATBOT (holding back obvious joy) No. (overjoyed) It’s Canned Beans!
NEGATIVE NANCY: Beans... What am I doing with my life...? Everyone please enjoy this review of... canned beans.
CHATBOT: Hey, I thought you said I could intro—
ANNOUNCER: The following review is one hundred percent true.... In the sense that due to the nature of the multiverse all possible events and outcomes are true in some timeline. Today’s reviews come to us from the timeline in which everyone is twice as stressed as they are in our dimension. It’s real bad. We’re all freaking the fuck out.
REVIEW OF A CAN OF BEANS: Listen, let me be clear. This product, HeartLakes Butterbeans accomplishes exactly what it set out to do. For a canned bean, the flavors are strong and well balanced. The texture indicative of a tight bean and not a loose bean. It’s quite perfect... for a canned bean. And therein lies the problem. HeartLakes has not in any way failed in its bean undertaking. It provides a quality canned bean at a low budget friendly price. The problem is that Canned Beans are awful. They spit in the face of a refined pallet. I should know, I’ve tasted and reviewed over 378 canned bean products and have yet to find an adequate canned bean. In many ways HeartLakes Butterbeans sits atop bean mountain, but at the end of the day that’s just a hill of beans. And no one gives a fuck about bean mountain. One star.
NEGATIVE NANCY: (on phone) Well, I’ll tell you what my problem is, Terry! I had to wait on hold for fifteen minutes to get through to you. (beat) Right, but why do I have to wait? Can’t you make someone else wait? Its really not fair... Let me speak with your supervisor. What’s their name? (Pause) That sounds ridiculous. (Pause) What’s their real name? (Pause) So, their name is really Charlie Brown is it? (Pause) oh piss off... Let me speak with your supervisor. (Pause) (Away from phone) Chatbot, can you get this one? I’m about to end this man’s career.
CHATBOT: Our next review comes to us from EdgeofBoise2002. It’s a super duper review of a can of Mace. I’m sooo excited.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Just introduce the review Chatbot we don’t need your commentary.
CHATBOT: Oh boy. Here we go.
NEGATIVE NANCY: (into phone) (annoyed) Yes, I’ll hold. You know I’ll hold. Stop asking.
REVIEW OF A CAN OF MACE: Those of you living the South Boise area have probably already heard of me. ...Some people might call me a superhero. No one has actually called me that yet, no, but crime fighting isn't all about the Hero Label. And believe me, you can’t just take out an ad in the newspaper to ask for that kind of thing either. You have to earn it. And I earn it by patrolling the streets of Boise, Idaho. I stalk criminals, those vile creatures of the night who would dare to harm the citizens of my fair city between 12th and 2nd street on the south side of Boise, Idaho. BKeeping the public at peace has become quite the challenge for me after I accidentally left my gun at a playground I was protecting. I set the gun down on the merry-go-round, turned my back for like thirty minutes tops... came back from the slide and it was gone. Just gone. No clue what happened there. But that’s actually what led me to your product. I found myself in need of a new go-to weapon and based upon a nice Facebook ad I read, I felt like Hermann's Pepper Spray might be an adequate non-lethal alternative. I immediately bought a lifetime supply. A crime-fighting lifetime supply. 7 of ‘em.The canister is sleek, stylish and light. It's easy to conceal in your pocket or in a utility belt. No problem there, dawg. My main issue with Herman’s Pepper Spray has been that it's not very easy to see the hole where the spray actually comes out. If I were to design something like this I'd make the ring around that hole bright yellow. Or I'd add an arrow or a little tag that said "Hey, this is it. Here's the hole that stuff shoots out." Due to the reckless design skills from you folks over at Hermann’s Pepper Spray, I fell victim to friendly fire in my own living room. The bottom line is that if a highly trained NightStalker such as myself cannot reliably use this deadly weapon, then how is the average person supposed to? It is now my sworn duty to stop people from purchasing this product and justice starts with this review. One Star.
NEGATIVE NANCY: (on phone) Well Charlie, I want you to know that I understand why you’ve chosen not to waiver the fee. And I’d also like for you to know that... (speed up talking) you sound like a hungry baby, your mum must’ve had ittybitty tiny titties.
CHATBOT: Good one.
NEGATIVE NANCY: (with confidence) I thought so.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Hear that? That’s the sound of unchecked capitalism grinding us all into mash. No beans. And that means it’s time to wrap things up with a review from your universe. Can you take this one for me, Chatbot? Well on with it. Come on. Hurry it up. We haven’t got all day.
CHATBOT: Wouldn’t want to accidentally give my opinion....
NEGATIVE NANCY: Finally. Oh, you had a bit more you needed to get set up did you? Out of curiousity, what’s your return policy, Chatbot?
CHATBOT: I’ve never really thought about it before. I’m not sure. I mean if people love me I definitely try to return the love back to them and...
NEGATIVE NANCY: No, I meant like... returning you to—
CHATBOT: Hugs? I definitely return hugs too.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Sure, Chatbot. What’s your hug return policy.
CHATBOT: One arm side hugs are good, but full-on tummy to tummy hugs are preferred.
NEGATIVE NANCY: You don’t even have a tummy. You’re digital.
CHATBOT: It can still be my preference.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Fair enough.
CHATBOT: Where the heck in space are headed to next?
NEGATIVE NANCY: Let’s go to the South.
CHATBOT: South... space?
NEGATIVE NANCY: Yes.
CHATBOT: You know I’m not the ship, right? Or at least not the navigation part.
NEGATIVE NANCY: What? Then what do you do then?
CHATBOT: I keep you company. I provide you with happiness, optimism and love. Side effects may include severe cases of giggles, wiggles, or diarrhea.
NEGATIVE NANCY: I’m just going to ignore that bit.
CHATBOT: And it’s my job not to let you. (sing) When you’re cruising out in space and you gotta dump some waste Diarrhea. Diarrhea.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Please stop.
CHATBOT: When you’re thrusting your rockets near a blackhole and something rips out your...
NEGATIVE NANCY: This... this is your job?
CHATBOT: Not only my job, really. It’s my only function. (beat) AI-I’m your buddy. (beat) Get it?
[Canned Laughter]
NEGATIVE NANCY: Is that Canned Laughter?
CHATBOT: Yeah! The people who recorded that died a long time ago.
NEGATIVE NANCY: You’re really terrible at this.
CHATBOT: I was programmed using data points mined from all of your readily available personal information. I’m made of everything you think is funny. You may say you hate me, Negative Nancy, but I’m engineered to be your best friend. (beat) Forever. (laughs)
NEGATIVE NANCY: You? You’re supposed to be the culmination of everything I think is funny?
CHATBOT: Yes.
NEGATIVE NANCY: That can’t be possible.
CHATBOT: It’s so true! They analyzed everything you ever read, said, watched or looked at online and after removing all the problematic stuff... I’m what’s left!
NEGATIVE NANCY: That makes sense. So if you’re not in charge of navigating The Space Windu, who or what is?
CHATBOT: Uhh.. I think his name is Mike, maybe? (beat) Also, he might be a cat.
NEGATIVE NANCY: There it is, episode three in the can. Only two more episodes left.
CHATBOT: Three episodes left. not two.
NEGATIVE NANCY: That’s right. Three more episodes left. Shit.
CHATBOT: How did you end up all the way out here on The Space Windu if you’re so bad at math?
NEGATIVE NANCY: It’s not just Math. I’m bad at most things, especially making decisions. (beat) And that’s probably why I’m on The Space Windu.
CHATBOT: Nah, you’re great, buddy.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Are you programmed to say that? Do you even like me at all?
CHATBOT: Nah, you’re great, buddy.
NEGATIVE NANCY: (resigned) Uh, three more to go. Goodnight, everyone.
REVIEW OF A SPECIAL COLLECTION: The posting stated that this collection would be accompanied by a certificate of authenticity. What it actually came with was a torn out piece of spiral notebook paper with a badly misspelled version of the word ‘certificate’ written at the top. Underneath that was a list of names and phones numbers and a note to ‘call my friends if you don’t believe me.’ Genuine autographed Patrick Dempsey underwear my ass. You’re a godless scammer. One Star.
