REVIEW OF A KETTLEBELL: This kettlebell is too heavy. The only thing getting ripped is my self-esteem. One Star.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Our world is overrun with unethical capitalism, incorrect orders and fraud. Plastic bits are breaking off of things we just bought. People are at work and just standing around chatting and shit. Rampant unprofessional fuckery is everywhere. Something must be done. And you must be the one to do it. In these dire straits it is your duty as a consumer of Earth to wield the greatest weapon in your arsenal. The One Star Review.
INT. OF SPACE WINDU
NEGATIVE NANCY: Welcome back once again to The Space Windu for what is sure to be the worst podcast in the world, The One Stars. My name’s Negative Nancy and I only listen to your podcast to talk shit about it. No more subtweeting… on today’s episode I’m going to put it all out there. First names. Last names. Nicknames. Everything.
CHATBOT: Well… according to the news on Facebook, people just like you, me and your childhood friend Greg will all be reviewed by our peers using a star rating system.
NEGATIVE NANCY: One star reviews of Art, Businesses, and Restaurants are one thing… But if these one star reviews start affecting people… that’s terrifying to consider… Just think Chatbot, a review of every cringy-creepy embarrassing thing someone has ever done just sitting there available for the public to scroll through. Their entire life… every interaction they’ve had with another human being judged on a one to five star scale. (beat) Peed your pants in Primary School. One Star. Peed your pants at University. One Star. (trying to think of something else but can’t..) Peed in your pants in… hmmm…
CHATBOT: But Nancy… you’re a terrible person. You could be ruined.
NEGATIVE NANCY: I, for one, will not be caught peeing my pants or anyone else’s pants for that matter. Chatbot, would it be possible for you to comb through my old social media posts and alert me to any potentially offensive or embarrassing material?
CHATBOT: I can do that!
NEGATIVE NANCY: I’ll be honest, I do expect you to find something. I used to tweet at celebrities a lot. Like a lot a lot
[beat of awkward silence]
CHATBOT: Do you want me to start checking now?
NEGATIVE NANCY: (annoyed) Yes, Chatbot! What are you waiting for? I could be getting dunked on at any moment.
[COMPUTER DING]
CHATBOT: I found one.
NEGATIVE NANCY: That was quick.
[COMPUTER DING (x3)]
CHATBOT: Wait. Just found a few more… (beat) I’m glad I didn’t know you in 2015.
[LEVER PULL]
ANNOUNCER: The following reviews are one hundred percent true in the sense that due to the nature of the multiverse all possible events and outcomes are true in some timeline. Today’s reviews come to us from the timeline in which all cats trot like horses… And yes, it’s just as cute as it sounds.
REVIEW OF SPACE JAM: This has nothing to do with the movie Space Jam.(Beat) I love Michael Jordan and I’ve always been a fan of Bugs Bunny, Basketball and Aliens. I’m even excited for the new LeBron James reboot. This movie from concept to execution is an absolute slam dunk. But ever since the San Fransisco Examiner stopped publishing my letters I’ve been struggling to find a way to get my message of terror and fear out to the public at large. Apparently it’s no longer cool to send anonymous murder confessions to the newspaper. And according to the internet, one even reads the newspaper anymore. (beat) What am I supposed to do? I tried blogging about my crimes… …and that received no traffic whatsoever. The only feedback was a very rude comment about my Strawberry Shortcake recipe. If the commenter had taken the time to read my entire post they would’ve understood how much that dessert meant to me, personally, because of my Mother’s Whippet addiction. After I killed my blog, I tried to utilize other forms of social media. More specifically, Twitter. I started tweeting my confessions, and even went as far as to directly tag City Officials in my posts, but somehow I always end up in an argument about Marvel Movies or the virtues of Socialism. And I don’t even like Marvel Movies. (beat) What promotional avenues are left? Tik-Tok? Not enough time or nuance to explain the art of my tableaus. I could try Onlyfans... I have a few friends who’ve had some success, but when it comes to my Art, I don’t want to sell it, I want to spread it. And when I say spread it, I don’t mean like that. Even I have lines I’m not willing to cross… yet. I hope there's still a place in this world for an old school serial killer like me, but I just can’t see how that’s possible. Those brave individuals who blazed this path before me saw their names in Bold Black Ink on the Front Page of newspapers across the country. And I’m stuck leaving One Star reviews on widely beloved films because its the only way I can think to get any attention for my Codex and Manifestos. Sorry for the one star review, “Space Jam.” This has nothing to do with you. I love this movie, but I killed the Mills Family and I’ll kill again unless the Examiner starts printing my letters. One Star.
NEGATIVE NANCY: (mid-conversation) Well, now see… I don’t think that one is offensive.
CHATBOT: My programming says it's very offensive… On par with smoking in church or taking selfies with sedated tigers.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Really? Well I guess I’ll also have to stop smoking in church then.
[COMPUTER DING]
CHATBOT: I’ve found another… would you like to hear it?
NEGATIVE NANCY: Sure, go ahead.
CHATBOT: I just saw Robin Thicke in concert and…
NEGATIVE NANCY: Whoa-Whoa-Stop-Stop-Stop I remember what that one says. Just delete it. Delete that entire week actually…
[COMPUTER DING]
REVIEW OF A VCR: I bought this VCR because I recently inherited a large collection of home movies and old VHS tapes and I didn’t have any way to watch them. I’ll be honest. This product seemed like a good deal for the price and I ordered it without reading the reviews. If I had taken the time to read the reviews I would've known that this model VCR has a well documented history of maintenance issues and hauntings. (beat) Within minutes of starting a movie, the sound and picture will get out of sync. The video will play for twenty minutes and then freeze. And when you try to update the clock the display will turn solid red and a little mouth will appear. In your Grandmother’s voice it asks if you have a question, but no matter what question you ask it just tells you the date of your death. If I really only have six months left to live I don’t want to waste it writing negative reviews on Ebay. Believe me.
But for the past two weeks this evil relic from the 90s has had a copy of “Passport to Paris” jammed inside of it. Which as far as Olsen Twin movies go, isn’t the worst option, but the movie plays all slow and it sounds like four little demons are having a pizza party in my living room. When I unplug the VCR it just gets louder. I called the Customer Service number listed on the back of the unit and received a whole lot of attitude, but no help at all. Shelly R. from La Crosse, WI and her supervisor Dan T. should be fired for their incompetence in exorcising demons from minor household appliances. Where do you find these people? I might as well be yelling gibberish to an oozing VCR in my living room while a warped version of the Olsen Twins sings about some demented pizza party… Because that’s what I was doing… I am returning this unit tomorrow and exchanging it for a set of ceramic pig figurines because I think they will bring me more happiness. If I end up with haunted Pig Figurines that sing about Pizza… well… I think that’ll be much easier for me to handle. Might even be cute. Little ghost piggies. One Star.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Why didn’t they just get a DVD player? I’ve literally never heard of one of those being haunted. Though I have heard some terrible things about The Olsen Twins and Satanic Ritual Sacrifice so that part doesn’t surprise me.
[COMPUTER DING]
CHATBOT: Found another one.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Delete it.
[COMPUTER DING]
CHATBOT: Found another one.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Yeah I know, Chatbot. I can hear the ding.
[COMPUTER DING]
NEGATIVE NANCY: In our next review we’ll flip through the pages of the New Jersey Times bestseller, “How to Win Friends and Influence People to Do Your Bidding: A Modern Witches Guide to Practical Curses.”
REVIEW OF A SPELLBOOK: This book has been an absolute nightmare. And not the fun summoning demons and casting spells with unintended consequences kind of nightmare. Before any of your auto-response bots ask… Yes I made the salt circle. And I already cleansed the room like four times in the past week. Please don’t waste my time with what are obviously beginner level problems. You don’t need to ask me if I’ve tried to disconnect the spiritual bond… waited ten seconds and then re-connected… because yes I’ve already tried that. I actually read the book. What do you think I am? Some sort of non-direction following man. If I have to go through all the trouble of finding a ‘soul worth sacrificing’ or whatever, in Lincoln, Nebraska of all places… the very least you could do is follow through on what your book promises. Because all I see is you’ve got my twenty bucks, I’ve got a cut on my palm, a dead guy in my trunk and my boss is still walking around this Starbucks with a full head of hair like he owns the place.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Should I just delete my account and start over?
CHATBOT: No, we can fix this…. Probably…
[COMPUTER DING]
CHATBOT: I found an old profile on poetry.com
NEGATIVE NANCY: (embarrassed) That’s not me. I…
CHATBOT: Does this sound familiar? (reading poem) ”If I agreed to hold your hand, would you jump off this bridge into the deepest waters with me? I never learned how to swim, but I’ll grow gills to breathe.”
NEGATIVE NANCY: Please stop.
CHATBOT: What? I like it. Umm… where was I? Oh yeah… (reading) ”We’ll start a new life at the bottom of the sea and you’ll be there with me and no one can say we’re not meant to be… together.”
NEGATIVE NANCY: Hear that? That’s the sound of crippling teenage angst coming back to haunt me. And that means it’s time to wrap things up with a review from your universe! Chatbot stop with the poem and read the damn review.
CHATBOT: (upbeat and excited) Okay! Will do! This is a review of The Cedar Lodge Motel in El Portal, California. “Cary Anthony Stayner is an American Serial Killer currently on death row for the 1999 murders of four women in Mariposa County near Yosemite, California. He was employed as the Handyman at this place when he committed the murders.”
NEGATIVE NANCY: That’s a review?
CHATBOT: (cheerful deadpan) Yes. One Star.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Fucking hell. Lock your deadbolts, people.
