REVIEW OF AN UBER DRIVER: My trip from the Denver International Airport to my hotel was supposed to take twenty minutes and cost me thirty dollars. But instead… it lasted a lifetime… and it cost me everything. I’m rating my driver Marcus one star. Not for his driving ability, but instead for his disloyalty and cowardice. For turning his back on our village and selling us out to the Sleestaks to save his own neck… We had discussed it… We all agreed… If any of us were caught we wouldn’t compromise the village. There’s a character limit on these reviews so I can’t tell the entire story here, but what I can say is that I was stuck in a “Land of the Lost” situation with this Uber Driver for twenty years and if given the opportunity he will turn his back on you. Just know that if you find yourself in a similar situation Marcus cannot be trusted.
[MUSIC: THEME SONG]
NEGATIVE NANCY: Our world is overrun with unethical capitalism, incorrect orders and fraud. Plastic bits are breaking off of things we just bought. People are at work and just standing around chatting and shit. Rampant unprofessional fuckery is everywhere. Something must be done. And you must be the one to do it. In these dire straits it is your duty as a consumer of Earth to wield the greatest weapon in your arsenal. The One Star Review.
INT. OF SPACE WINDU
NEGATIVE NANCY: Hello, and welcome to the first episode of The One Stars. My name’s Negative Nancy and I hate my life. How I managed to find myself in this situation is unclear, but yes, I am indeed the host of this podcast, The One Stars. I’m supposed to say that we “promise to bring you the very best One Star Reviews from all across the Multiverse,” but you know what... I don’t believe it. I don’t believe that for one second. I’m only here for a meager paycheck and you… you’re listening to me talk because… well, I guess you’ve got nothing better to do.
CHATBOT: Did you tell them the thing?
NEGATIVE NANCY: I'm getting to it, Chatbot.
CHATBOT: Well, don't forget.
NEGATIVE NANCY: (annoyed) I'm literally about to say it right now.
CHATBOT: Okay.
NEGATIVE NANCY: I’d like to start by-
CHATBOT: (interrupting) Nancy, I was thinking-
NEGATIVE NANCY: (even more annoyed) What? What is it?
CHATBOT: It can wait...
NEGATIVE NANCY: As I was saying… I’d like to start by apologizing for the entire premise of this show. The One Star Reviews are without a doubt the most useless thing ever. And as an independent podcast team with the entirety of our egos and self-worth wrapped up in the perceived success of our shows… we know first hand that receiving a One Star Review can, at times, be the most traumatizing experience in a person’s life. So, if you’re considering leaving a One Star Review on an item, business, or even a Podcast, please know that the only reason you should ever leave a One Star Review is for problematic material…… Or if its really low quality compared to the expectations you built up in your head… Or if you feel threatened. Or if you’re bored. Or if they were really nasty to you. Or if they ignored you. Or…uh… hmmm? (Pause) Or if you have definitive proof of their involvement in some sort of Multi-level Marketing scheme. Uh, yeah, I think that covers just about every reason.
CHATBOT: Not that, silly! I meant don't forget to tell them the... (close whisper) ...the ship sponsorship thing.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Right. Right, I’m also supposed to tell you that we’re coming to you live, aboard the fabulous Space Windu, from… uh… somewhere in space I guess… Fuck’d if I know, really, all of space looks the same.
CHATBOT: We’re orbiting Narihiri in the Crystalalien Quadrant of Bezao.
NEGATIVE NANCY: (sarcastic) Well that clears it up. Thanks, Chatbot.
CHATBOT: You are so welcome, Nancy! But just in case you were being passive aggressively sarcastic as a defense mechanism for your own ignorance of Space geography, I’ll elaborate by saying that this planet is often referred to as Hooverville.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Why does that sound familiar?
CHATBOT: You have…(pause) …thirteen active arrest warrants in Hooverville.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Shit… that’s right. It’s the alligator hat thing, isn’t it?
CHATBOT: Yeah, its mostly alligator hat stuff, but there’s also something about punching a police officer.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Well, I don’t remember that.
CHATBOT: There’s also a picture.
[OPENING OF SHUTTER, RETRO SCI-FI COMPUTER HUM]
CHATBOT: See.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Yep. That’s definitely me. I don’t miss that hair style at all. And you know what. I don’t care what those bastards in peta have to say…. Alligators look downright adorable wearing tiny hats and that’s a hill I’m willing to die on. (beat) Anyway, let’s get to it then shall we.
[COMICALLY LARGE LEVER PULL]
ANNOUNCER: The following reviews are one hundred percent true in the sense that due to the nature of the multiverse all possible events and outcomes are true in some timeline. Today’s reviews come to us from the timeline in which Canada doesn’t exists. It’s just not there.
REVIEW OF A MOON VACATION PACAKGE: Let me be clear, I am one hundred percent not exaggerating when I say that my trip to the moon was the absolute worst experience of my entire life. Once we got inside we were subjected to all sorts of lasers and beeping doo-dads and whatnots. And lines… So many never ending lines. We finally get past security, we find out more great news… We’ve been delayed for four hours. All because of a solar flare! A solar flare! Ridiculous. The trip itself was, for the most part, uneventful. At one point daughter woke me up complaining that the WIFI wasn’t working… Which is weird because I remember paying an extra twenty-five credits for continuous WIFI. If I paid for a service with “continuous” in the name… I expect it to always be available. My daughter had planned to binge the new season of Gilmore Girls, but due to the collective incompetence of your entire organization she was forced to stare blankly out the window for hours as we approached the lunar surface. Boring! The ‘resort’ if you can even call it that… informed us that our luggage had been misplaced. How does that even happen! All you have to do is get three suitcases from the Earth to the Moon without losing them. What’s so hard about that? It’s not like its rocket science. Then the actual vacation begins and surprise! There’s nothing to do! Let me describe the moon in three words: Boring, Dumb, Dirt. And that’s Dirt with a ‘u’… For some reason they spell it that way up here… Wanna check out the local lunar cuisine…? Spoiler Alert. It’s Chicken Nuggets. Its always Chicken Nuggets. I didn’t come all the way to the moon to eat the same Chicken Nuggets I eat in my car on my lunch break on Earth. And what’s with the entire kitchen staff having mustaches. Was that some sort of moon kitchen requirement or uniform? The place is staffed almost exclusively by weird sweaty uncles. Once you notice it… it can be pretty unsettling. The promotional flyers all said it was “our home away from home” or something like, “Experience the romantic isolation of the moon…” But guess what… There are so many damn people here! Everywhere you go there’s a long line of ugly dumb tourists wearing those ridiculous Moon Hats. And dogs. So many dogs. If you think dogs howl at the moon you should hear them howl when they’re actually on the moon.
[DOGS BARKING AND HOWLING]
REVIEW OF A MOON VACATION PACAKGE (CONT’D): My wife signed us up for the Dark Side Morning Hike. If you ask me, you should call it the Dark Side Morning Hype because I didn’t see what the big deal was. The view is hardly impressive. I’ve seen other reviewers on here say they’d had a life changing experience that caused them to re-evaluate their place in the universe… But all I saw was a cluster of stars and lights… and all I could think was… after a four hour hike… this is it? The sea of stars, or whatever in the hell that guy was calling it, looked completely fake. I’ve seen better pictures of stars online. My trip to the moon was a complete waste of time and money. I am so over the moon. One Star.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Well, turns out the moon sucks. Can’t say I’m surprised. A big parasitic grey dust ball in space. If the Earth had a second moon, the current moon would definitely be the second most popular. And don’t 'at' me on Twitter about how cool and mysterious the moon is you fucking whackers.
CHATBOT: I love the moon! Moon! Moon! Moon!
NEGATIVE NANCY: Coming up next we have a review of… you’ve gotta be shitting me. It’s more stuff about the Moon.
REVIEW OF A NASA MUSEUM: I walked every inch of this museum and never once saw my name. You should be ashamed of yourselves. It seems as if you’ve forgotten me. My name is James Powell and I am the uncredited screenwriter for the 1969 Summer Blockbuster, “The Moon Landing.” People talk about Stanley Kubrick’s brilliant cinematic vision like I didn’t write the damn thing. The smug bastard did manage to find some ways to rub his personal little stamp all over it. My script called for a shot of a still non-blowing unmoving American flag, but Kubrick thought the imagery of a blowing flag would make for a much more Pro-American shot… so that’s how that ridiculous bullshit happened.
“One small step for man. One giant leap for mankind.” Remember that little gem… All me. Well, that’s not entirely true. Famous Astronaut and below average friend, Neil Armstrong, and I worked together on crafting his famous line. But if I’m being honest with myself and with my yelp reviewing colleagues, then I should admit that I did about eighty-five percent of the work to Neil’s ten percent. And a member of craft services came up with the ‘one giant leap’ bit, so they get five percent. Before that we were considering, “a hop skip and a jump for mankind” or “Bunny hop for the human race.” Neil fucked up his lines anyway.
Once I turned in the final draft of the “The Moon Landing” script, I lost all creative control on the project. A man in a black suit gave me a check for thirty-five hundred dollars and then drove away in a black Cadillac. Right away I went out and bought a black suit and a hamburger. I couldn’t afford the Cadillac yet, but it was coming soon. I could feel it. I thought I’d finally made it big. I envisioned the Moon Landing as an epic trilogy. And eventually we’d be able to spin it off into an entire cinematic universe. I’d already started outlining the sequel. The Earth is dying. Neil is dead. Buzz, along with an overwhelmed rookie astronaut partner, is forced to travel back to the Moon in 1971 to find out the truth of Neil’s death and the secret origins of humanity. The third one was going to be something to do with Lunar land rights and colonial disputes, but I hadn’t written it out yet. I didn’t want to get ahead of myself.
I watched in awe on that summer night in July 1969. Not at the television screen. But at all the faces enraptured by our art. No one watching The Moon Landing that night would ever be the same again. Pleased with our opening night success, I sat back and waited for their call. I planned to play a little hardball during negotiations. The first film was a hit and that meant I had some leverage now. I wasn’t about to squander the opportunity. But the call never came. NASA Studios decided to hire a new team of writers and proceeded to churn out five subpar sequels in three years. Apollo 12, Apollo 14 and Apollo 17 were major flops and largely ignored by the general public. By 1973, it was clear that the American people were bored with the Moon and the plugged was officially pulled on The Apollo Moon Landing franchise. And now you’re all trying to write me out of history. Put me in the museum or I’ll go to Channel Seven with everything I know. Everything. One Star.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Now see… this… this one I believe. NASA admits they erased the Moon Landing Tapes. No dust on the landing pads. No stars in the broadcast. No Rotation. No Orbit. No Globe.
CHATBOT: …ummm… but Nancy, we’re in space right now…
NEGATIVE NANCY: Facts don’t matter, I’m on a roll.
CHATBOT: When do I get to talk? It’s my turn to introduce a review.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Shut it Chatbot, we haven’t got much time left.
CHATBOT: (trying to say fast before getting cut off) Review of Grand Canyon National Park. “My wife told me our baby wasn’t mine right as we got there. One Star”
NEGATIVE NANCY: Right… Well, thanks for that. …seems like a terrible place to end the first episode…
CHATBOT: I have another one. Trust me its pretty bad-out.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Did you just say Bad-Out?
CHATBOT: Yeah, Bad-Out. As in, Did you check out the new Janet Jackson Album. It’s pretty bad-out. Or, Whoa that new Jean Jacket is bad-out! Where did you get it? Or, Everyone please enjoy this bad-out review of a Ukulele!
REVIEW OF A UKULELE: We’ve all had bad neighbors. They steal your parking spot. They leave their laundry in the washing machines… and the clothes just sit there… wasting everyone’s time. They party too late and too often and they don’t listen when you kindly ask them to stop doing all the things they do. Each neighbor is terrible. But they’re all terrible in their own way. My neighbor is a musician. You’ll note I didn’t say a “professional” or “good” musician. It may be more accurate to say my neighbor is a person with no discernible talent who also happens to own several musical instruments. Trombone, Cello, Xylophone… the little tiny flute thing… I don’t remember what its called… And drums!.. they have drums too…. And did I mention they sing! Not on pitch or on key, mind you, but oh boy are they good at projecting. Their voice really fills up a room.I tried to convince my neighbor to take up another hobby, but when this plan failed, I did something I told myself I would never do.. I also became a musician. My goal was clear and it was not to be a “professional” or “good” musician. I wanted to be the loudest musician.
It was time for my neighbor to hear the low thumping of my bass line while they tried to watch CSI: MIAMI. I have acquired a number of instruments from this manufacturer and almost all of them have been well up to par in creating a racket. The bagpipes, the kettle drum, the …freakin’ piccolo that’s what it’s called… the uh, little flute thingy. Oh, and the trumpet! My neighbor angrily knocked on my door while I was greeting the sun with my daily 5am rendition of ‘First Call’. That was the best reaction yet! But then they went inside and starting playing their drums and it just sounded like we were covering Dave Matthews Band. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I needed to take it to the next level.
I googled, ‘what’s the opposite of a trumpet’ Boom. Ukulele. I had such high hopes for this ukulele. You might ask, is this a good instrument for a noise war? Not necessarily, no, but let me ask you in return - do you know just how awful an out of tune ukulele sounds? It’s absolutely terrible. I was looking forward to tuning this ukulele nice and off-key and then sitting on my porch strumming it until my neighbor’s ears bled. It was going to be great. But this ukulele is so quiet! Absolutely ineffective! Are all ukulele’s this quiet? I’m not sure it would bother my neighbor even if they were sitting on the porch next to me! This is a useless weapon for my noise war. Yeah, if you’re looking for calm, quiet strumming, I suppose this might suit your needs. But I make music to be heard! I need to fill the air with sound! Recently I’ve found some success with an out-of-tune Banjo. I passed my neighbor on the stairwell and I saw the look in their eyes… they’re beginning to rethink their life choices. I’m winning this war. I don’t recommend this ukulele for anything other than peace time. One Star.
CHATBOT: And then it says you just roll the barrel down a hill and you’re good.
NEGATIVE NANCY: Wow. It’s really that easy is it? Okay, now search Maximum Term Limits for manslaughter if its a case of self-defense. (Beat) Oh shit-fuck, hello there. Sorry about that. Just doing some independent research. Still getting used to this whole ‘live’ broadcast thing.
[BRONTOSAURUS WAIL]
NEGATIVE NANCY: (the getting off work kind of excited) Fuck yes! (beat) Hear that? That’s the sound of a Brontosaurus who just found some snacks they forgot they had. And that means it’s time to wrap up this episode of The One Stars. I’m contractually obligated to do six episodes this season. I had the option to do a full twenty episode first run, but I’m fairly glad I didn’t agree to that now. Bye Bye, catch ya later alligator.
CHATBOT: Laters
NEGATIVE NANCY: Get the fuck out of here. Off ya fuck.
CHATBOT: Get the fuck out.
