WALT sits in his cage. GAYLE sits on the couch. They’re still watching Big Bubba on TV. We hear the end of a segment just prior to commercial break.
BIG BUBBA CONTESTANT 1: (on tv) There’s a whole lot of Snakes in the Big Bubba house this season! [Bad Snake Sound]
BIG BUBBA HOST: (on tv) Well be right back in 30 seconds after this quick sneak preview of the upcoming Cyberpunk Epic from Dubble Entertainment… “Cyborgan Freeman.”
CYBORGAN FREEMAN: The world as we knew it is gone but maybe it was never really the way we thought it was…. I’m certainly not the way I remember myself. Not anymore. No one wants to admit that they’ve been wrong. That they’ve been fooled. That they’ve ben tricked into removing their humanity… and replacing it with cold unfeeling steel and high-tech quantum biomechanics. We have to accept it. This is the world now.
ROBOT: (on tv) Identify. Engage. Add to Cart.
SOLDIER: (on tv) Charge!
WOMAN: (on tv) Morgan. It doesn’t have to end like this,
CYBORGAN FREEMAN: (on tv) Morgan died a long time ago, Sheila. I am Cyborgan Freeman now.
GAYLE: (mock quoting movie trailer) I am Cyborgan Freeman now.
Gayle and Walt laugh.
WALT: Ah, I’m such a fan of his.
GAYLE: Yes… Sam Anderson always-always-always elevates the material. I liked him in that movie, “Hey, Wait..” Ugh… I ugly cried to that one.
WALT: He was great in that road trip movie, “Made in the 80s.” Did you see that?
GAYLE: Oh my God, yes, the part when they find out there’s LSD in the pickle juice.
WALT and GAYLE laugh.
WALT: Oh, looks like we’re coming back.
BIG BUBBA HOST: (on tv) Armaan has the power to send Max to the showers. But why bother when Jeff is the one in Hot Water. [steam/water sfx]
GAYLE: You know, at first I hated Jeff because of the way he was smiling in his Cast Reveal photo, but he’s grown on me.
INT. CONSPIRACY CON - CON FLOOR
Randy hits the Con Showroom Floor.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Conspiracy Con is one giant maze of tables, stages, viewing rooms and sales booths. From corner to corner, every square foot has been filled in with posters, action figures, books, hats and heavily discounted anti-Hillary merchandise. Sweaty bodies slither between booths, buying and browsing and bullshitting their weekend away on the latest and greatest in Conspiracy merchandise and literary achievement. Everywhere you look are other likeminded and well-researched individuals. If you’re at Conspiracy Con in Kansas City you can rest assured that you’re standing shoulder to shoulder with thousands of other people who understand fully that the Secret World Government is spreading mind control nanobots through Chemtrails and Sugar Free Sports Drinks.
Randy is approached by SUPERFAN.
SUPERFAN: Hey! The Rand-o from the Flat Truth. I’m a huge fan. Huge fan. Would you mind signing my face?
RANDY: Your face?
SUPERFAN: Yeah. Anywhere’s good.
NARRATION (V.O.): There on the Superfan’s forehead is the signature of one Karen Dunning. Being the well adjusted adult that he is, Randy doesn’t sign his name and instead simply writes, “sucks'' underneath Karen’s signature.
RANDY: Nice dome.
SUPERFAN: Thanks. Today is the greatest day of my life.
NARRATOR (V.O.): No matter what Conspiracy-Themed and/or Yard Sale Merchandise you’re looking for… you can find it at Conspiracy-Con in Kansas City.
MODEL SELLER: As you can see, what we have here is an accurate, if not almost functional, model of the Flat Earth.... Much more scientifically accurate and almost functional than the other flat earth models being sold by my competitors.
PERSONAL BUBBLE SELLER: Sir, can I ask, have you ever wanted to venture out into the world of the dangerous and unknown but didn’t want to leave the safety of your own bubble? Because now you can! Our Safe Space Bubbles offer you a world where you’ll never bump into anything ever again.
CUT TO:
Randy inside a BUBBLE.
PERSONAL BUBBLE SELLER: See how big you feel inside the bubble?
RANDY: Yeah, it’s weird. I feel huge. But like I know I shouldn’t feel this way because it's still just me. I didn’t change. I’m just in a bubble.
PERSONAL BUBBLE SELLER: That’s right. What you’re experiencing is an optical illusion. You’re still just you.... but in a tiny insulated bubble. Makes you feel important, right?
RANDY: Hey… you. Watch where you’re going. You too. Jesus Fucking Christ who raised you people. You need to walk slower. And you… you need to walk faster.
PERSONAL BUBBLE SELLER: Okay, let’s get you out of there shall we?
RANDY: No. I don’t want to leave the bubble.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Randy approaches another booth. It's a Sword Booth. Fuck yeah. Oh, wait, it's a Used Swords booth. Still cool, I guess. Still cool. Probably some deals.
SWORD SALESMAN: Yeah, that’s a decent sword but look at this. Now that’s a quality used sword.
RANDY: That is a quality used sword. Can I swing it around?
SWORD SALESMAN: Be my guest. Just step back into the walkway so that you don’t accidentally damage any of the other merchandise.
RANDY: Good call.
Randy swings the sword around and makes WOOSH sounds.
INT. ELEVATOR
KAREN and MIKE enter ELEVATOR.
KAREN: I really can’t believe that son of a bitch still showed up.
MIKE: What son of a bitch?
KAREN: Randy.
MIKE: Oh, right. Yeah, I can’t believe he still showed his face after all the public pooping he’s been doing.
KAREN: You remember that was fake, right?
MIKE: I don’t know. I saw a video that had some pretty damning evidence…
KAREN: Are you talking about my video? We made that up.
MIKE: No. I’m not stupid. I saw it on other videos, too.
ELEVATOR DOORS open to reveal RANDY standing there waiting to get on.
KAREN: Speak of the devil…
RANDY: I’ll wait.
KAREN: Planning to meet up with your friends AlphaSwagLad and BiteMyButt03?
MIKE: Yeah, planning on meeting up with Mr. Butt to do a little public pooping…
RANDY: It’s BiteMyButt02.
KAREN: Oh is it?
RANDY: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
MIKE: By the way, Randy, I’ve watched your fights on YouTube. You’re not half the badass you think you are.
RANDY: Never claimed to be a badass. Just a champion. And I have a piece of metal that says that’s true.
KAREN: Runner-Up.
RANDY: Still stood on a platform. Where were you? Sitting in the stands with Mrs. Clement.
KAREN: I tore my—-
The ELEVATOR DOORS start CLOSING. Karen hit the button to reopen them.
KAREN: (CONT’D) I tore my ACL on a pogo stick two weeks before San Antonio and you know that.
RANDY: All I know is that one Dunning is a Martial Arts Champion. And the other is a champion at making excuses.
MIKE: (proud) I won the Little League Home Run Derby contest when I was eleven years old. Twelve dingers. Twelve.
RANDY: I’m not sure how that applies, but, okay… cool story, bro.
KAREN: Whatever. We don’t have time for this. It’s not 2005 and this isn’t the TaeKwonDo Junior World Championships in San Antonio. This is the 12th Annual Conspiracy Con in Kansas City goddammit. (beat) And only one Dunning is going to be onstage tomorrow with Master P, Twista and Charles Stiles from Mystery Diners. Not you. Right, Randy? Because it’s me… Karen Dunning. I might even get to rap a few bars.
RANDY: You’re lying.
KAREN: I’d never lie. Especially not to my own brother.
SOUNDS | ELEVATOR DOORS CLOSE
INT./EXT. BACK OF A LIMOUSINE - DAY [DRIVING]
NEWSHAM and his Assistant, SIMON, are riding in the back of a limousine.
SIMON: Newsham, sir, I just want to confirm your preference on the two options we’ve mocked up for your daily post.
NEWSHAM: All Rocky Road. All the time. We’ve already been over this.
SIMON: This isn’t for the Great Ice Cream Debate. The public has moved on to other—
NEWSHAM: What are they onto now?
SIMON: Dolphins.
NEWSHAM: Dolphins? Did that bastard Irvin finally teach one to talk?
SIMON: No. They’re on to a debate on whether Dolphins are nice nice or are just fake nice ocean dickheads.
NEWSHAM: Well they might look like Dickheads but Dolphins are legit nice nice. I’ve hung out with Dolphins on several occasions and they were all very chill and very cool. Draft a post for me… something like— “Newsham Swims With Dolphins. Hashtag Free Willy.”
SIMON: William was an Orca… also known as a Killer Whale. I’m fairly sure they eat Dolphins.
NEWSHAM: Flipper. Then. Hashtags Free Flipper.
SIMON: What are they meant to Free Flipper from? Syndication?
NEWSHAM: Okay then Simon. You tell me. What’s the play here?
SIMON: Dolphins do have somewhat of a problematic history, but they’re also cute as shit, so it’s not yet clear which way the public will side on this issue.
NEWSHAM: Best to wait it out and paraphrase the hottest take.
SIMON: Indeed. But there’s also something to be said about finding a way to play both sides.
NEWSHAM: I’m listening.
SIMON: Option one, we give them loose general statements without details or context… something like, “Dolphin Disclosure Will Change the World. Big News. Watch this Space.”
NEWSHAM: Ripe for Confirmation bias.
SIMON: Option two, we just post a message hidden within a secret codex.
NEWSHAM: What does the message say?
SIMON: Nothing. There is no message.
NEWSHAM: The Zodiac Classic. Brilliant. Let’s go with Option 2. Hashtag If you’re not seeing Double you’re not seeing it.
SIMON: Its catchy, sure, but it is the corporate tagline for Dubble Entertainment.
NEWSHAM: So?
SIMON: I’m just afraid it might come off as a sponsored ad.
NEWSHAM: Okay, fine. How about Hashtag, Don’t Look Too Close.
INT. CONVENTION SHOWROOM FLOOR
NARRATOR (V.O.): Karen and Mike walk the convention floor. Mike’s attention is captured by a large exhibit that looks more like a carnival ride. It’s called The Echo Chamber. A barker steps forward, eager to capitalize on Mike’s genuine interest.
BARKER: Hey there, Beefcake, you look like a guy who could use a turn inside the Echo Chamber.
MIKE: Aww. You think so?
BARKER: I do. I really do.
MIKE: What is it? Like a ride or—
BARKER: Oh, it’s so much more than just a ride. It’s an experience. Once you’re inside the Echo Chamber whatever you declare to be true will be repeated back to you.
KAREN: Sounds boring.
BARKER: It can be sometimes.
MIKE: Whaddaya say, KareBear? Should we step inside the Echo Chamber... Echo chamber. Echo chamber.
BARKER: Inside it does that for you.
KAREN: So… what? It’s just a room that repeats whatever you say…
BARKER: Why everyone loves having their own opinions shouted back at them. Just give it a try… Once you’re inside the Echo Chamber everyone and everything agrees with you. What more could you ask for?
MIKE: How much?
BARKER: Ten bucks.
MIKE: That’s it?
BARKER: A small price to pay for a lifetime supply of positive reinforcement and reaffirmation.
MIKE: And echoes.
BARKER: That’s right. And echoes.
MIKE: Come on… please…
KAREN: Fine.
BARKER: You’re going to love it, Karen.
KAREN: How did you know my name?
BARKER: Inside the Echo Chamber everyone knows your name.
MIKE: What’s my name?
BARKER: I don’t know.
MIKE: It’s Mike. My name’s Mike.
ECHOES: It’s Mike. My name’s Mike. Mike is the coolest. Fuck yeah, everyone! Mike’s here. Mike! Mike! Mike!
MIKE: Oh my god, it’s starting… I love it.
ECHOES: Oh my god… I love it. It’s so Good!
INT. ECHO CHAMBER
NARRATOR (V.O.): When Karen and Mike enter the Echo Chamber they’re surprised to find that it looks exactly like a Taco Bell from 1998. I’m not talking about it looking similar to, or just sharing a color palette, with a Taco Bell from 1998…. The Echo Chamber looks exactly like a Taco Bell from 1998. Except no food.
KAREN and MIKE enter the echo chamber.
KAREN: (whispering) Mike, what does this look like to you?
MIKE: (whispering) Like a Taco Bell from… hmm… 1995.
KAREN: (whispering) I’m thinking more like a Taco Bell from 1998…
MIKE: Mike is the Man!
ECHOES: Mike is the Man! Mike is the man! Mike is the man! Mike is the man!
MIKE: This is so cool.
ECHOES: This is so cool. That’s so cool. You’re so cool. Eyeballs Emoji. Eyeballs Emoji. Heart. Heart. Heart.
MIKE: Come on, try it.
ECHOES: Come on try it. Yeah, try it. It’s so fun. You should totally try it.
NARRATOR (V.O.): As Mike and Karen speak their truth the sound of their voices bend and twist together like an audible homogenous hall of mirrors. Or a cinnamon twist.
KAREN: Karen Dunning is the Greatest Influencer Under the Dome.
ECHOES: Karen Dunning is the Greatest Influencer Under the Dome. Karen Dunning is the best. She’s the coolest.
DISSENTING OPINIONS: Karen Dunning is the Greatest Influencer on the Infinite Flat Plane Known as Earth.
ECHOES: Karen Dunning is the Coolest. Karen Dunning’s so cool.
KAREN: What was that?
ECHOES: What? What? What was that? I didn’t hear anything. Me either.
MIKE: My feet don’t stink half as bad as Karen says they do.
ECHOES: Mike’s feet don’t stink. No way. They’re…. Um…. They’re okay I guess.
DISSENTING OPINIONS: yeah right. This guy’s feet stink like shit. I can smell them from here.
DISSENTING OPINIONS: (mocking) That hurt my feelings. Boo-hoo Little crybaby. My feelings… aww… little baby hurt his feelings… boo-hoo…
MIKE: Stop it!
ECHOES: Stop it! Stop it!
DISSENTING OPINIONS: Why are you even doing this? Who is this for? Stop it. No one cares. Stop.
MIKE runs out of the ECHO CHAMBER. KAREN follows.
INT. FOUR SEASONS BAR - LATER
RANDY is at the bar sitting next to RANDOM CONSPIRACY THEORIST.
CONSPIRACY FRIEND: I’m sorry Randy, does the truth scare you?
RANDY: If this is Simulation then we should be able to teleport ourselves through phone lines, right?
CONSPIRACY FRIEND: We can. Shit, man. You’ve been glitching in and out all night.
RANDY: Okay, bud.
CONSPIRACY FRIEND: Well, lookie-lookie… it's the man himself.
RANDY: Newsham. Where?
CONSPIRACY FRIEND: Just now walking into the Restroom.
RANDY: Are you sure?
CONSPIRACY FRIEND: You calling me a liar?
RANDY: Was he alone?
CONSPIRACY FRIEND: No one’s ever truly alone in this world. They’re always watching us…
RANDY: Here’s my moment. Wish me luck.
RANDY takes a swig of his drink and walks away from the bar leaving CONSPIRACY FRIEND talking to himself…
CONSPIRACY FRIEND: Actually, man… the concept of luck was created in the 19th Century by—-
INT. FOUR SEASONS - BATHROOM
RANDY enters the bathroom. NEWSHAM is at a urinal.
NARRATOR: (V.O.) In an awkward dance he thinks looks more casual than it does, Randy saunters across the men’s room over to the urinal next to Newsham. (Beat) He unzips his pants and leans over…
RANDY: (whisper) I need to speak with you. It’s urgent.
Newsham is weirded out, but tries to ignore it.
RANDY: (CONT’D) I’ve unzipped my pants for appearances sake, but don’t worry, I do not plan to pull my penis from trousers.
NEWSHAM: I’m flattered, but you’re barking up the wrong tree little doggie.
RANDY: I have some very sensitive information to share with you.
NARRATOR: (V.O.) Newsham flushes the urinal, zips his pants and walks over to the sink. Despite never having urinated, Randy also flushes his urinal and follows Newsham to the sink.
RANDY: Mr. Newsham, if you’ll just give me a few minutes of your time I promise it’ll be worth it.
NEWSHAM: Ten seconds. And zip up your pants you fucking weirdo.
RANDY: Sorry.
SOUNDS | Zipper
NEWSHAM: (annoyed, counting down) 9-8-7…
RANDY: Mr. Newsham, sir… My name is Randy Dunning and I have a prominent member of the secret society known as The Freemasons… locked up in a cage in my basement. I can’t get him to admit to any of their secrets. And I’m… I’m just not sure what to do next?
NEWSHAM: So… you’re telling me that you literally kidnapped someone… a person who you believe to be a Freemason and you’ve got them locked up in your basement. And now… now you’re approaching me, in the men’s room at the Four Seasons, for instructions as to what to do next?
RANDY: I mean that’s a bit reductive, but—
NEWSHAM: I’ll tell you what you can do. You can fuck right off and leave me out of it you son of a bitch. I mean are you fucking kidding me with this… (fade out)
INTRUSIVE THOUGHT 2 (Teacher): Oh my God. Did you really think that was the right answer?
INTRUSIVE THOUGHT (Rosemary): You weren’t really hungry now were you?
INTRUSIVE THOUGHT (Doctor): I’m afraid all the money in the world won’t save him at this point. There’s nothing we can do.
INTRUSIVE THOUGHT 5 (Kids): Loser. Loser. Randy is a Loser.
NEWSHAM: …don’t ever speak to me again.
SOUNDS | The barrage of insults from NEWSHAM bleed on top of each other and are joined by other INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS and HARMONIC RISERS until the BATHROOM DOOR is pushed open. The door swings to a close and brings the Bathroom back to silence.
RANDY: (deep sigh, sniffles) Say it. Don’t spray it.
Randy waits a few beats and then leaves the bathroom. Then a stall door opens.. and out steps Mike. Fuckin’ Mike. He calls Karen.
MIKE: Karebear, you’ll never believe what I just overheard in the bathroom. (beat) No. That’s funny, but I’m being serious right now. Some shit just went down. (laughs) I’m being serious.
INT. BASEMENT
Gayle and Walt are still watching TV together.
We hear the BIG BUBBA OUTRO MUSIC
BIG BUBBA CONTESTANT 1: Im manifesting a Veto win for Dany. We’ve got the backdoor setup perfectly for Little Bob and we need to take this shot at him while we have the chance.
BIG BUBBA CONTESTANT LITTLE BOB: If I get picked for Veto this week the rest of the house better get ready because, “Deez my kicking’ socks.”
BIG BUBBA CONTESTANT 3: I’ve been having dreams about it. I close my eyes and I can see it happening. Jeff will be walking out of here on Eviction night. It’s a Big Bubba Premonition.
WALT: I wish she would’ve used her Nightmare Power.
GAYLE: Right? What’s the point of even having a secret power if you’re not going to use it?
WALT: Exactly. (beat) Exactly…
GAYLE: I’ve got no clue what’s going to happen. I usually have, at least like a gut feeling, but right now I don’t know. It could go either way. It could go either way.
WALT: Well, let’s hope Lane’s premonition was as much bullshit as his haircut.
They both laugh.
GAYLE: Right. He looks like he combs his hair with a balloon… (beat) Sorry about shaving your head.
WALT: But you left my full mustache intact and for that I thank you.
GAYLE: Do you believe in premonitions and weird stuff like that?
WALT: You know… if you would have asked me a few years ago I would have told you no. I’d always assume all sorts of paranormal talk to be nonsense. But… I do tend to believe it a bit more now. Or at least, I Want to Believe.
GAYLE: Have you ever heard of Michael Richards?
WALT: Kramer? The Racist?
GAYLE: Different Michael Richards. He was an Artist. Painter, sculptor… that kind of stuff… And he was known for always using this violent airplane imagery in his work. His most famous sculpture is a depiction of a person being impaled by a dozen airplanes.
WALT: I’m thinking the lad might be a bit scared to fly.
GAYLE: No. See… He died in the World Trade Center on 9/11. So, a lot of people believe his art was a premonition of, or maybe even somehow inspired by, his death. Its called Retro Causal Creativity. It’s a theory that… basically says… impactful events from our future have a way of echoing backward… and influencing us. Sounds weird I know—
WALT: Not too weird actually. Would you believe I wrote a book about a kidnapping? (Beat) Well, it was a horse-napping, but still. Perhaps that was a bit of Retro Causal Creativity.
GAYLE: Sounds like it. (beat) What happened to the kidnappers in your book? Did everything turn out okay for them even though they were technically the bad guys and totally in the wrong?
WALT: Eh… No. Not really. The Horse’s best friend Mortimer shows up and kills most of them.
GAYLE: Oh. I guess they probably deserved it.
WALT: You know I once had a bit of premonition from a dream?
GAYLE: Yeah? What happened? Spill the beans, Wally.
WALT: Okay, so, I’ve never told anyone this before and I think that once I start to say this aloud I’ll realize how ridiculous it sounds…
GAYLE: No-no-no Wally. Tell me. I told you about my Milk Coma. Tell me about your weird dream. Unless there are crabs in it. Crabs freak me the heck out.
WALT: Well… it all started shortly after my wife and I split up. Our daughter Derby was still in school, so for the sake of stability I moved out and Debra kept the house. This was just a few years ago. Derby is out of school now. Well she’s at Uni. Studying to be a Marine Biologist. Sorry… trailing off a bit. So I was living in an apartment. Fully furnished, but completely empty. I never felt comfortable. I wasn’t used to sleeping alone and I started having these stress dreams where I’d be following a big blue bird. First inside a building. And then up to a roof…. And while I was chasing it I wasn’t anxious… I was happy. Content even. Like I said before its a bit strange…
GAYLE: No, it’s not really that strange as far as dreams go. I had a really messed up one last night where Randy’s head was Broccoli and I was a T-Rex and I was just Chomp-Chomp-Chomping away at him. And he was cool with it. It was like he didn’t even notice or care. What do you think that means?
WALT: I think it means he ignores you and you feel that nothing you do matters… (beat) I mean maybe. That might be what it means.
GAYLE: Fuuu—- You’re good, Wally. You’re good. Oh sorry, keep going about your dream. I didn’t mean to cut you off.
WALT: It’s quite alright. The last part here is what really takes this from just another weird dream to a full on premonition.
GAYLE: Look at this.. I'm literally on the edge of my seat.
WALT: So… in the dream. It’d always start and end the same way. First I would be walking up an endless flight of stairs. And then a door opens to a roof. As soon as I step out a blue bird flies right in front of my face and it tells me to follow it. But it doesn’t actually say it. It’s just implied. So I do. I follow the Blue Bird to the edge and look down, but I don’t see anything. It’s just a hazy fog. I look up and out onto the horizon and I can see the Arch…. The bird flies away… lands on the arch. Then I wake up. I had this particular dream for years, but never thought too much about it. Until… one day I was at work trying to make a call… and my cell just refused to get service. I decided to head to the roof. Still no bars. I walked up to the edge of the building and looked out on the horizon. Still no service. But out of nowhere… a can flies right in front of my face. A Blue Bird Energy Drink can…
GAYLE: What? That’s so… what…
WALT: I was like, hang on, this seems familiar… I picked the can up and suddenly my pocket vibrated. A call was coming in.
GAYLE: It was from the credit card company…
WALT: No. The first call was from Rope & Hammer telling me they wanted to publish my book. The second was from my daughter, Derby.
GAYLE: (gasp) What happened with Derby?
WALT: Nothing. She was just calling to say Hello. But she’d never done that before. Or since. It’s hard enough to get her to answer when I reach out.
GAYLE: (little happy little sad) Aww…
WALT: I took it as a sign. I didn’t know what of… but I started going to the roof every afternoon after getting off work. It was peaceful. There’s just something about being up that high… You can see everything stretched out for miles. The world not only looks small… it looks downright attainable.
GAYLE: You know what else? It also looks flat. You can really observe the absence of the curve when you get up high.
WALT: Right. I'm sure.
A beat of awkward silence.
GAYLE: Hey, Walt?
WALT: Yeah.
GAYLE: Thanks for watching Big Bubba with me. That was fun.
WALT: Cage or no cage, that was honestly a good time.
GAYLE: Yeah. Big Bubba is the best.
WALT: Until next time on Big Bubba.
GAYLE: On Big Bubba.
They both LAUGH.
WALT: Gayle, I need to make a secret alliance deal with you right now…
GAYLE: (interested, but thinks its a bit) Okay. I’m listening…
WALT: The Epipen I had on me when I was kidnapped. Do you still have it?
GAYLE: Technically Randy has it.. but I know where it is. Why? Are you allergic to corn? Oh no, I should’ve picked it out of the brownie…
WALT: No. I’m fine, Gayle. For now. But I need you to promise me that if I start changing… if I start acting not like myself… that you’ll administer the Epipen.
GAYLE: What are you allergic to? I should know so I can avoid making it.
WALT: Promise me.
GAYLE: Okay. I promise. How will I know for sure?
WALT: You’ll know.
GAYLE: What do you want to watch now?
INT. BAR - LATER
The BARTENDER shakes Randy awake. RANDY stands and starts moving around, but he only has a vague idea of where he's at.
BARTENDER: I think it’s probably time for you to head to your room, Pal.
RANDY: Oh... hanks man... You.... Uh... Need... Need money.. Fer...?
BARTENDER: Your friend already covered it.
RANDY: Thanks, Dad.
BARTENDER: Jesus Christ, are you pissing your pants?
NARRATOR: (V.O.) He is.
BARTENDER: Guy drinks four beers and now he's calling me Dad and pissing his pants.
INT. FOUR SEASONS
RANDY is wandering around the hotel convention totally blitzed.
AUDIO | This scene will carry a Fear & Loathing vibe. RANDYs world has become an uneven hell-scape. The noise of the CONVENTION floor swirls together with a host of other nightmarish sounds. Repeat and echo Randy’s CONVERSATION WITH NEWSHAM alongside more personal flashbacks and with more exaggerated ones.
BARKER: Everyone! Be warned. There's been a Dissenting Opinion leak in the Echo Chamber. Side effects may include sub-tweetle hemorrhaging and unnecessary intrusive thoughts…
NARRATOR (V.O.): After a few wrong turns Randy’s waking nightmare has led him into the center of a Conspiracy Theory Rap Cipher… Yes. Those exist. Look it up. You know where. On the internet.
HOST: (looking for the next person) Do we have any other rappers in the building!?
RANDY: (voice will be modified, deepened and deep-fried) Sure. I’m a rapper.
HOST: You’re a rapper?
RANDY: Yeah. I’m a damn good rapper. Give me the mic…
HOST: DJ, drop that beat.
RANDY: (bad rapping) Hey Y’all… We live on a Flat Plane surrounded by an Ice Wall they built to keep us locked inside a ball - theory. Am I speaking clearly…. can you hear me? It doesn’t take a water shark to know the truth about Ant-arc-tica. (stumbles) In fact, it isn’t even that hard to know… uhh… uhhh…
VOICE IN CROWD: (pitch-shifted super low and fried) What does that even mean?
NARRATOR (V.O.): Randy struggles mightily. His rhymes are weak and slanted. His voice barely audible above the static screeching of the stock hip hop instrumentals.
CROWD BOOS layered, exaggerated and possibly even demonic.
HOST: Yeah, no I’m taking the mic back.
The BEAT winds down.
RANDY: Hey, I thought I was doing pretty good…
HOST: Why would you try to rap if you can’t rap?
RANDY: I can Rap. I can too! I can Rap. No!!
INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER
Door closes behind Randy. He stumbles across the room and collapses on the bed.
RANDY: Nothing rhymes with Antarctica. (starting to cry) That’s so wack.
As Randy stares at himself in the mirrored ceiling… the heart shaped bed starts VIBRATING.
Suddenly in the corner of the hotel room a ghostly apparition appears. It’s ROSEMARY. Randy’s mother.
ROSEMARY: Aww… Randrew what’s the matter Sweetie?
RANDY: Mom… Mom.. I want to go home. I hate it here. No one likes me.
Another apparition… this time it's Newsham.
NEWSHAM: No one likes you anywhere you go, Dickhead. That’s nothing new. You’ve been a loser and outsider for your entire life and you’ll be a loser and an outsider until the day you die. Just ask this stupid piece of shit…
…And Doctor K joins them.
DOCTOR K: Randy, you’re just not smart enough to take all this on by yourself. You don’t even know the secret formula to becoming a good person. Everyone else figured it out. What the hell’s taking you so long?
ROSEMARY: The only consistent thing in all your shortcomings and failures is you. How do you expect anyone else to believe if you don’t believe? Randy? Answer me, son!
RANDY: I know. I’m sorry. I’m trying… I’m doing everything I can…
NEWSHAM: Shut up, Randy. No one wants to hear your voice.
ROSEMARY: Answer me, Son!
NEWSHAM: Shut the fuck up Loser.
DOCTOR K: You’re just not going to get it, Randy. And I don’t think you ever will.
INT./EXT. RANDY’S VAN – MORNING [DRIVING)
NEWSHAM (ON RADIO): ...okay, sure… you want to go John Rambo on their asses I get that.. …but no one single person can take this on. We all need to stick together when we descend upon Delaware… We need to fill every inch of Brandywine State Park. Don’t leave a single stone for them to hide under…
Randy cuts off Radio.
RANDY: Matte.
INT. DUNNING-KRUGER HOME - BASEMENT - DAY
Gayle is curled up on the couch asleep. Walt is… well just sorta slouched over and uncomfortably laying against the bars of his cage… his eyes are open, but he doesn’t look awake. With dead eyes and a droopy mouth Walt watches—
RUSSIAN “ELSA-GATE” CARTOONS play on the TV. Aberrant and sometimes strangely violent SOUND EFFECTS.
Home early from the convention, RANDY enters the basement like a battering ram.
RANDY: What the hell! Are you trying to burn this place down?
RANDY: Chill weirdo its just me. You left the oven on upstairs. If I hadn’t come home early from Conspiracy-Con who knows what might’ve happened. I saved your life.
GAYLE: Sorry. I was going to make cinnamon rolls and I guess I forgot.
RANDY: How are you doing over there, Walt?
No response.
RANDY: Walt? Walt? Hello? Oh my God. Gayle. You let him watch Russian Brainwashing Cartoons?
GAYLE: What? No? I just queued up some old “Hey Arnold!” episodes and… and…
RANDY: And with the help of the great algorithm in the sky you sent him down a Russian Rabbit Hole. These cartoons will… and I cannot stress this enough… rot his brain from this inside out. How long has this been on?
GAYLE: I don’t know. A few hours maybe. What time is it?
RANDY: It’s noon.
GAYLE: It’s already noon!? Wow, I really slept in today.
Randy pulls up search history on the computer.
RANDY: Yep. All the titles are in Russian. And the watch history is full of them. This could undo days of work.
GAYLE: I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I thought they were just cartoons. Cartoons aren’t bad.
RANDY: You’ve gotta pay attention to these things.
Randy cuts the CARTOON cuts off. Walt stirs awake.
WALT: What? What’s going on?
Behind Randy Gayle sees Chauncey the Cat half-playing and half-chewing on something small and green.
GAYLE: (concerned) Chauncey? Chauncey? What do you have in your mouth?
RANDY: Who the fuck is Chauncey? (beat) Is that a fucking cat?
GAYLE ignores Randy and leans down.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Gayle leans down and pulls out what she at first thought was a Cricket in Chauncey’s mouth. When she gets close enough she sees that no… it’s an Iguana Leg.
