NARRATOR: How old is this secret society? If you ask a freemason they’ll say its as old as the rocks themselves. IF you ask them to elaborate as to what that actually means they’ll wink at you as if its some inside joke you’re supposed to understand. but you won’t get it. unless you’re a freemason.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE
Mac sits in a Doctor’s Office with the world vibrating around him...
MAC: Can... Can you run the tests again?
DOCTOR I: Malcolm… I know this is a lot to take in right now. But this is your truth and it is the path you’ll need to now walk. Im sorry.
[flash to second ‘opinion’]
MAC: No doubt about it then…
DOCTOR II: No, unfortunately not. For the most part it’s just restating what we talked about earlier but I know that after receiving news like this it can be hard to take it all in. So please, read the material and give it some thought…. really consider how you want the next few months to play out.
MAC: I’m a fighter. I’m a survivor.
DOCTOR II: I don’t doubt that. That’s how you made it this far.
INT. BATHROOM
Malcolm stares at his reflection in the mirror. Turn on the sink.
DOCTOR I: (mac’s inner monologue) Even with aggressive counter measures you’re not likely to make it past the next six months… It’s going to be painful and it’s going to be expensive.
MAC: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
DOCTOR I: (mac’s inner monologue) You’re gonna die and she’s gonna have to watch every minute of it.
MAC: I can’t do this to her.
Malcolm turns the sink off.
INT. OFFICE IN FREEMASON LODGE - DAY
The Worshipful Master Mason sits in a leather chair behind a large cherry oak desk. Across from him Neil the Freemason sits in a smaller, less impressive chair.
WMM: …I was talking with Brother Saul about Avocados. Next thing I knew both my phone and work computer were getting bombarded with advertisements imploring me to consider purchasing more Avocados. Do you know what this tells me?
NEIL: Something about Guacamole?
WMM: No. It tells me we have a mole in the Lodge.
NEIL: Who do you think it is… Terry?
WMM: We shouldn’t start lobbing accusations all willie-nillie… We’ll need to wait until more evidence presents itself. Trust me, Brother, when it comes to matters of The Owl, we can leave no stone unturned.
NEIL: The Owl is missing and you’re getting targeted Ads about Avocados. What further proof could be necessary?
The Worshipful Master Mason chews on this for a moment.
WMM: Perhaps you’re right, Neil… It might be time for a full scale investigation into the matter. Anyone could be making a move on the Owl. Friend or Foe. We need to take a look at everyone.
NEIL: So what’s the play here? Should we convene with the Nest?
INT. EVENT ROOM IN FREEMASON LODGE - LATER - NIGHT
The Lodge Chambers are full. The Worshipful Master Mason stands at the head of the room addressing the other Freemasons in attendance.
WMM: Brothers, I cannot overstate how vulnerable the Nest is at this moment. We’ve been fucking around for too long and I’m afraid we might soon be finding out.
FREEMASONS IN CROWD: (like rabble rabble) Hoo-Hoo. Hoo-Hoo.
WMM: Who indeed? Because unfortunately Brothers, this crisis has revealed itself at a most inopportune time. Having lost Harold Walker, our beloved Tyler, the Lodge — as well as the Owl we’ve been sworn to protect —- have both been carelessly left unguarded. We should not trouble ourselves with who is to blame… The only names we should be concerned with at the moment are that of Walter Clay and whichever one of you will step in as Tyler and bring our owl home.
SOUNDS | The heavy double doors open. A young man enters the Lodge. He’s not dressed in Freemason regalia. This is ARLO.
ARLO: My name is Arlo Walker and I believe I am the man you lot are waiting for…
SOUNDS | With one synchronous shuffle we hear everyone in the room turn to see who this brave soul is… The Worshipful Master instantly recognizes him.
NEIL: Hey, you’re not a member…. You shouldn’t be in here… Worshipful Master he’s not even a Mason.
WMM: It’s okay, Neil. That’s Harry’s boy.
ARLO: You say your lodge has been without a Tyler since my father’s passing. You say no man here is fit to stand guard…
NEIL: Hang on. No one said that.
ARLO: I tell you Worshipful Master I am ready to step into those shoes. I am ready to fill my father’s role. Whatever it is you need of your Tyler… you can ask it of me now.
WMM: I understand your desire to do this, but I cannot in good conscience send a Cowan out on such sensitive Mason business.
ARLO: I’m willing to join. I want to be a Mason. I want to be your Tyler. I want to fix the mess that’s been created in my Father’s absence.
TERRY: Does the initiate also have the requisite two hundred dollar Petition fee?
ARLO: Aye. He does.
TERRY: Does the initiate also have two forms of Missouri State Issued Identification?
ARLO: Will you accept my Passport in lieu of a Social Security Card or Birth Certificate?
TERRY: That’s more than adequate.
ARLO: Then, yes, the initiate has brought the necessary forms of identification.
WMM: Okay, what’s going on here. I’m the Worshipful Master. This isn’t happening. I’m not going to be responsible for sending a sixteen year old to his death.
ARLO: I don’t mean to correct you, Worshipful Master, but I’m eighteen.
WMM: Well, in that case… (beat) no… no. This isn’t right. You can’t do this alone.
A Mason stands up in the back row. It’s Malcolm.
MAC: I’ll go with him.
WMM: Eh… you’re a bit of a loose canon. I don’t know if this is the best pairing the Nest can come up with… Brother Saul… how about you?
SAUL: No. I’m good.
WMM: Shit. Ah….shit.
ARLO: Please, Worshipful Master. This is my Destiny.
MAC: Allow me to take him under my wing. I’ll educate the lad on Freemasonry and the ways of our brotherhood. Look at him… He’s a rough stone. But he’s a stone. You can’t deny that. (beat) And on a personal note, you all know Harry and I were very close.. It’d be an honor to be the Mason to Raise his boy.
NEIL: Now. Hold on. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I think we might be better served bringing in someone I don’t know… less green?
WMM: Arlo, no one is denying the fact that you’ll one day make a just and upright Mason. But Brother Neil is right. You’re green and inexperienced… and technically still a Cowan.
MAC: Worshipful Master, it's times like this I’m drawn to the wise words of Brother Wayne when he said, “What’s the secret of success? Right decisions. And how do you make the right decisions? Experience. How do you get experience? Wrong decisions.”
Be brave enough today to risk making this wrong decision. And I promise you… that when I return I’ll do so with The Owl and our new Tyler.
WMM: See that you do.
TERRY: Is the nest in agreement? Do we charge Malcolm Kirkpatrick and Arlo Walker with the retrieval of our most sacred Owl?
FREEMASONS IN CROWD: Hoo-Hoo. Hoo-Hoo. Hoo-Hoo. Hoo-Hoo.
The FREEMASONS IN CROWD hoot and holler and clap except for Neil who shouts:
NEIL: (shout) No.
TERRY: It is settled. Let us reconvene in two weeks time for a Status Update.
NEIL: Are you sure about this? Malcolm has, many times over, shown himself to be a bit of an egocentric asshole. I mean.. didn’t he just murder an innocent author when the Grand Lodge had only requested that he give the old geezer a scare?
WMM: To be fair, the autopsy did show that Downripple was quite terrified in the moments just before his death. So… Mission Accomplished if you ask me.
NEIL: I don’t see a way through where this doesn’t cause a substantial amount of blowback from the other factions.
WMM: Malcolm gets the job done. Can’t argue with results.
INT/EXT. JEEP ON HIGHWAY - DAY
MAC and ARLO are in Mac’s Jeep driving down the highway.
ARLO: Did you really know my father?
MAC: Yes. For a long time.
ARLO: He never mentioned you.
MAC: The things Harry and I got up to aren’t the kind of stories you tell your family.
ARLO: Do you think we’ll have stories like that?
MAC: No. Probably not.
ARLO: Oh.
MAC: So… what did Harry teach you about Freemasonry?
ARLO: Not much. I mean… I grew up with the symbols all over our home…he seemed to be very proud of his position as a Mason, but it wasn’t something he really shared with his family.
MAC: He ever let you hold his sword?
ARLO: No. He never let me hold his sword.
MAC: But you did hold it?
ARLO: Yes.
MAC: Only Tyler’s are meant to hold the Sentinel’s sword.
ARLO: What’s a Sentinel?
MAC: It’s just another word for Guard. Jesus… your father really didn’t tell you anything did he?
ARLO: Well, why didn’t you just say “guard” then?
MAC: If I were to ask you.. “what was the first name given to you when you were born?” You would say….
ARLO: Arlo.
MAC: No.
ARLO: No, that is my name. Arlo Finnegan Walker.
MAC: The proper response is to say “Caution.”
ARLO: What? I think you’re meant to say Danger. And its your middle name.
MAC: What were your first clothes made of?
ARLO: I don’t know… cotton? Polyester maybe?
MAC: (laughs) You’ve got a long way to go Cowan.
ARLO: I do know what that word means shithead. Don’t call me a Cowan.
MAC: I’ll call you a Cowan until you answer your questions like a Mason.
A beat of Highway Ambience as the Pair sit in silence.
MAC: It’s too quiet. What kind of music do you like listening to?
ARLO: (sarcastic and full of piss) I don’t know. What kind of music is a Mason supposed to listen to? Fucking Gregorian chant or whatever.
MAC: You’re a little fucker aren’t ya. We’ll get along just fine. (beat) It’s Rock Music by the way.
ARLO: What?
MAC: A Freemason’s Favorite Kind of Music. Rock Music.
ARLO: (mild laugh)
MAC: Here… check this song out.
MUSIC | TRANSITION MUSIC [Spoon - “Revenge”] (Car Stereo then to High Fidelity)
INT. CONVENIENT STORE - NIGHT LARRY is in a trance behind the counter. His eyes are now just cold black saucers as he hammers away at his cellphone. What’s he doing? You guessed it — playing SMASHED POTATOES — just like everyone else. It’s a smash hit. The entrance to the Convenient Store chimes. MAC enters and approaches the counter.
MAC: Excuse me?
LARRY: Yep…
MAC: Of what metal is the key that unlocks the Preparation room door?
Larry finally looks up from his phone.
LARRY: It is not made of metal.
MAC: What is it?
LARRY: It is the tongue of good report.
They both LAUGH like old friends.
The sliding doors open. A STONER enters.
LARRY: Hold on just one second, Malcolm. This won’t take long.
A STONER approaches the counter and gets in line behind Mac.
MAC: Ah, by all means, go on ahead in front of me. My order might take awhile.
STONER: Dope. Thanks, dude. Uh… so lemme get a swisher, no… White Owl. The uh… menthol one.
LARRY: Spearmint White Owl. You got it.
LARRY grabs the cigar. Scans it with a boop.
STONER: Ey… Buddy… You can’t be spraying those lasers all over my cigar. That shit causes cancer. I’m gonna need a new one.
LARRY: (sigh) Here. On the house. Now fuck off.
LARRY tosses the cigar to the STONER and the STONER fucks off.
LARRY: Fuckin’ stoners. Son of a bitch will be back in here in thirty minutes trying to buy a sixty-four ounce fountain drink with no ice.
MAC: Do you see that lad sat out there in my truck?
LARRY: That your boy?
MAC: Harry’s.
LARRY: Fuck. If I were him I’d never want to wear the Apron.
MAC: He’s already on his path. He’ll be wearing the Apron soon enough… holding a sword as well.
LARRY: He’s gonna be another Tyler?
MAC: Only time will tell. They charged some asshole with raising him and possibly… preparing him to stand guard at the Nest.
LARRY: And I take it you’re that asshole?
MAC: Indeed I am.
LARRY: Bring him in. I gotta meet this future Tyler of St. Louis.
MAC: Mind if we move our conversation somewhere more…
INT. WALK-IN STORAGE FREEZER - MOMENTS LATER
Walk-In Freezer door SLAMS shut. Mac and Larry are surrounded by produce and frozen burritos. Arlo shivers quietly in the corner.
MAC: …freezing fucking cold.
LARRY: It’s a storage freezer, Mac. What were you expecting?
MAC: I’ll just make this quick. If a Mason were missing, where would you hope to find him?
LARRY: Between the Square and Compass.
MAC: What?
LARRY: Because by his acting on one, he would sure to be found within the other.
MAC: No, Larrimore, I’m not doing a catch-e-kism…
LARRY: Okay cool. Yeah, I thought it was weird for you to be asking another one, but I was just gonna play along. So… has a brother really disappeared from the nest?
MAC: Not just any Brother… It’s the Owl.
LARRY: Fuck me. I guess being the Tyler of Kirkwood doesn’t mean shit these days. How am I just now finding out about this?
MAC: You know how it is. Some Masons are still hung up on ancient landmarks and traditions.
LARRY: This is like the one thing the nest is supposed to do. Protect the Owl. Keep the Owl safe and in Mason control. And for fucks sake don’t let the damn Owl out of the nest so close to a New Moon.
MAC: I hadn’t even considered the timing here…
LARRY: Well you should start considering it. You only have a few days before this little problem could become one very big problem. Truth be told I do not envy you. There are more than a few groups who could be behind this…
MAC: If you had to put money on it, who would it be?
LARRY: That’s fucked up, Malcolm. You know I’m a recovering gambling addict…
MAC: It’s hypothetical money, Larrimore.
LARRY: I’d give you 200 on the money line for it to be one of those Illuminati fucks. That’d be where I’d start.
MAC: Are you still in touch with that George Constanza looking illuminati shit… what did we call him?
LARRY: (chuckle) IllumiNathan? Only when I need to upgrade my cell service.
MAC: Remind me… which provider does the Illuminati control? Sprink? PP-Mobile?
LARRY: Dubble.
MAC: Ah. Hard to keep up with all their incestuous cannibalism.
LARRY: The Illuminati or the phone companies?
LARRY and MAC both laugh.
MAC: Ah, Larrimore I miss this you fucker. Why has it been so long?
LARRY: Probably because you still owe me two thousand dollars.
MAC: Right.. Shit. Well…
LARRY: You’ll be able to find Nathan at Grand and Hartford. The Illuminati have a retail location there on the corner.
MAC: Arlo, what phone service do you have?
ARLO: Dubble. And it’s shit.
LARRY: Winner. Winner. Chicken Dinner.
MAC: Brilliant… the lad’s already pulling his weight.
LARRY: So, you’re Harry’s boy?
ARLO: I am. It’s Arlo.
LARRY: Put ‘er there, Arlo, I’m Larry. I’m the Tyler of Kirkwood. Your father was a good friend and a solid Mason.
ARLO: People keep telling me that.
LARRY: And you’d be right to listen. Harry Walker was the Tyler who prepared me for my Rites. Soon enough… when the time comes for you to pass through those double-doors I’ll do the same for you.
ARLO: I already know most of the ritual.
LARRY: It’s not about knowing the ritual. Anyone can memorize words, kid. It’s about living it. Embodying the lessons.
ARLO: (sarcastic) I’ll be sure to write that down.
LARRY: I know you’re “taking the piss right now,” or whatever it is you Brits like to say, but I’m serious. And as a matter of fact, you should be writing this down.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Larry shuffles through some things on the shelf and retrieves a black notebook. On the cover is a Red Diamond.
LARRY: Here. A present from your Uncle Larry.
ARLO: This notebook’s cold as fuck.
LARRY: What do you want from me? It’s been sitting in the Deep Freeze.
MAC: The boy is meant to take notes on Freemasonry in a Red Diamond notebook? Gotta be some sort of ironic metaphor in there somewhere…
LARRY: Freemasonry is nothing but an ironic metaphor.
MAC: Good point. Arlo… write that down…
INT./EXT. MAC’S VEHICLE [DRIVING] - DAY
A car drives through Central St. Louis during the day. Mac is behind the wheel. Arlo sits in the passenger seat taking notes.
MAC: Before every meeting it’ll be your duty to secure the anteroom.
ARLO: Secure it?
MAC: It means just lock the door.
ARLO: Ah. Got it. (Repeating to self as writing) Lock the door. What’s next?
MAC: You’ll draw your sword and station yourself outside the lodge room. And if any Cowans try to interfere or eves-drop on our meetings…
ARLO: I’ll fuck ‘em up.
MAC: Close enough. (beat) But remember… not all Cowans are bad people. Not all Masons are good people. And it’s up to the Tyler to maintain the morality of their Lodge. If a Brother puts himself before the Lodge it’ll be your duty to restore the proper order.
A long beat. Car Driving Ambience.
ARLO: If all we’re meant to do is good… to improve ourselves and to help others… then why do people hate the Freemasons?
MAC: Ah, someone’s been on the internet.
ARLO: I’m not going to have to drink goat’s blood, am I?
MAC: Not too much of it.
ARLO: Gross.
MAC: No… not at any point do we drink goat’s blood.
Mac winks and LAUGHS.
ARLO: You winked! (beat) Why would you wink? Does that mean we do drink Goat’s blood?
MAC: No. It’s Sheep.
ARLO: That’s not any better!
MAC: I’m kidding, Arlo. And as far as people hating us… well… that’s just what happens when you hide yourself behind closed doors. Leave empty spaces for someone else to fill in and people will fill it in however they see fit. It’s no different than when two Masons observe the same symbol. One will use it represent Strength and Perseverance. And the other uses it to represent Acceptance and Humility. No one’s ever going to see you for everything you are or everything you’ve done. You’ll rarely get the chance to explain any of your actions. So Be Good. Do Good. Stay Good. Leave less room for the void to hide.
INT. DUBBLE - CELL PHONE STORE - EVENING
NARRATOR (V.O.): Want to know a secret? The Illuminati control the entire Communications Industry. From Sprink to PP Mobile. Singularity to Dubble. The Illuminati owns them all… Smartphones, baby. Maybe you’ve heard of them? The Dubble location on the corner of Grand and Hartford is wrapped in Smashed Potatoes promotional signs and displays. Angry cartoon potatoes fight smiling gavels. Posters promoting the new Infini-G Network. That’s right, instead of 8G they’re calling it Infini-G. An annoying sign that reads, You Can Smash Potatoes, but You Can’t Smash These Cases… or something like that… IllumiNathan is dressed in a pink polo shirt and khaki shorts… and yes, he does look exactly like George Constanza.
ILLUMINATHAN: Have fun smashing those potatoes!
SUPERFAN: I will. Thank you, Nathan!
ILLUMINATHAN: No, thank you. And just remember, sometime in the next forty-eight hours you’ll receive a robocall for a customer service survey. It’ll only take like forty… maybe forty-five minutes tops, but it’ll help me out a whole bunch. Especially, if you give our interaction a five star rating.
SUPERFAN: How about I rate you fifteen stars!?
ILLUMINATHAN: I appreciate that, but five is as high as it goes…
DOOR CHIME as SUPERFAN exits. ILLUMINATHAN notices a new customer milling around… its ARLO.
ILLUMINATHAN: Hey, thanks for stopping by Dubble Illumination Communications. My name’s Nathan. What can I do to make your day a little brighter?
ARLO: Yes, about these cellphone cases here… the WaterRats. Are they really unbreakable?
ILLUMINATHAN: I love WaterRat cases. In fact, I trust them with the safety of my own phone. See… check it out. These babies are ninety-nine percent indestructible. Care for a demonstration?
ARLO: A demonstration of indestructibility… yes, I think I might like to see that.
ILLUMINATHAN squats below the counter and retrieves a hammer.
MAC steps into frame.
When ILLUMINATHAN stands back up he sees MAC standing there in front of him. He immediately recognizes Mac and knows this isn’t good news for him.
ILLUMINATHAN: Oh, shit.
ILLUMINATHAN throws the Hammer at Mac and tries to flee towards a door marked Employees Only.
MAC: Did you just throw a tiny Hammer at me? Very rude, Nathan. Arlo, guard the door.
ARLO: Consider it bricked.
The backroom door swings open as ILLUMINATHAN tries to make their escape. MAC comes in right after him. They do the little parallel chase dance on opposite sides of a table.
ILLUMINATHAN: Hey, you can’t be back here. This is private property.
MAC: Nathan… is that anyway to speak to an old friend?
ILLUMINATHAN: Old friend? Last time I saw you, you called me a “Jason Alexander looking twat” and pushed me out of a moving vehicle.
MAC: Ah, that’s right. (laughs) Say Nathan… What’s the deal with Freemason Assassins these days, amirite? They’re all… “tell me where the Owl is or I’ll fucking kill you.”
ILLUMINATHAN: Ahh! Please don’t kill me! I don’t want to die at work!
MAC: The Owl. Where is it?
ILLUMINATHAN: The Owl of Euclid?
MAC: The one and only.
ILLUMINATHAN: (laugh) You Masons must be shitting bricks.
MAC: These cases are indestructible are they?
MAC grabs a stack of WaterRat cellphone cases and begins whipping them at Nathan.
ILLUMINATHAN: Ow. Dude—dude-dude…whoa… chill… I don’t know anything about the freakin’ owl. I work sixty hours a week. I don’t even have time to listen to a podcast about The Owl.
MAC leaps over the table and tackles Nathan. The pair struggle for leverage, but Nathan is no match for Mac.
ILLUMINATHAN: (panicked) It was the Whiteboys. The Whiteboys took the Owl.
MAC: You always try to blame everything on the Whiteboys.
ILLUMINATHAN: Well, to be fair they’re usually the ones fucking it up for everyone else.
MAC: So that’s that then?
ILLUMINATHAN: So we’re good?
MAC: I don’t know, Nathan. Now that you’re aware of our little situation with the Owl I can’t very well let you just clock out and go on about your day can I? No… you’ll go squealing to all the other Illuminati twats…
ILLUMINATHAN: The second they find out what you’ve done they’ll be kicking down lodge doors all across the country.
MAC: Well that’s just it, Nathan. They won’t be finding out will they?
ILLUMINATHAN: God dammit. You’re gonna kill me at work aren’t you?
