NARRATOR (V.O.): Hypothetically speaking if you disappeared today… How? I don’t know how. Use your imagination. But say you disappeared… just now you’ve vanished from the face of the Earth. How long would it take the people around you to notice? You’re a bit paranoid of their intentions, sure, but do your neighbors really watch you all those closely? Your employer and co-workers would notice and surely do a bit of complaining about your absence, but would they really give a shit? Probably not. They’d just assume you quit or were fired and had moved on to another terrible job. How many friends do you have who would care enough to at least stop by to check on you? How long before your family starts to wonder? You know… the family you see, maybe three or four times a year, at best… How soon is it until the next holiday? Probably not soon enough. The truth is we allow people to disappear from our lives everyday and never take notice of it. Oftentimes we’re the one disappearing… slowly removing ourselves from all the people, places and things we once loved. When we finally do notice it… It’s often too late. Two Flat Earthers Kidnap a Freemason. Episode Six, The Observer’s Local Horizon.
INT. DUNNING-KRUGER - HOME RANDY and GAYLE are hanging out on the couch trying to decipher the lyrics to a theme song.
GAYLE: Well… I know for sure it says, “smiling strange while you’re looking at the Leafy Range,” but that next part is where I start to lose it.
RANDY: Just let me look it up.
GAYLE: No. Don’t look it up. I want to figure it out for myself. (beat) Do-say-do-you-shoot-me? Or have you met the darkness yet? Hey Nanny…. (pause) What could that even mean?
Gayle’s PHONE buzzes with a new text message.
RANDY: What is it?
GAYLE: It’s a message from Ed.
RANDY: Pfff.. What’d he have to say?
GAYLE: He said he…
COMPUTER AI VOICE (reading message): Hey Gayle. I tried calling Randy but it went straight to voicemail. Alien Face Emoji. Spotlight Emoji. Question Mark. Question Mark. Ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha. I’ll be at the arcade if y'all want to hang out. I’d like to show you two a token of my appreciation for our friendship. Smile emoji. Smile emoji. Water gun. Moon emoji.. Ice Cream emoji.. Mushroom emoji.. Sun.. emoji.
RANDY: The fuck’s that supposed to mean?
GAYLE: He’s trying to be nice, Randy. Shoot the moon. Sunday Funday.
RANDY: He’s playing mind games is what he’s doing. And why’s he texting you instead of me? That’s not cool.
GAYLE: Aww. Ed sent a video of Jacoby dancing to The Happy Birthday Song… see…
PLAY video song and DOG BARKS
RANDY: Damn. That’s cute as shit. (beat) Don’t tell Ed that though.
GAYLE: I won’t. (beat) Wow. It’s like… I know that dog can dance, but I’m always so impressed every time I see it.
RANDY: Right. Same here.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Ed “click-click” Choom waited for his friends at The Neutral Zone Arcade until he ran out of tokens… twice. Then, before heading out, Ed cashed in another twenty dollars and hid Neutral Zone tokens all around the Arcade. Placing them on arcade machines and in coin return slots. Eighty little good moments just waiting for an unsuspecting stranger to find them. This was the way his visits to The Neutral Zone would always end. It had been Ed’s tradition for as long he’d been able to afford it. And in his final act, Ed would find the kid who appeared to be having the absolute worst-time at the arcade and try to turn that frown upside down by giving them all the tickets he’d earned. Today that meant ten thousand tickets, and one very excited child who promised they’d be using the tickets to buy a Space Jam basketball. Next… Ed headed to the Bookstore because he had more good days to make. Or at least he thought that’s what he’d be doing.
INT. SMALLWOOD BOOKS - DAY ED enters SMALLWOOD BOOKS and walks around the aisles. He’s looking for something specific, but he can’t seem to find it. Ed approaches a Bookstore Employee while they’re stocking shelves. It’s JAY.
ED: Excuse me, sorry, I was having trouble finding some books. I’m not sure what section to even look in to be honest…
JAY: Oh yeah, no worries, I can help you out with that. What titles are you looking for?
ED: Uhh… Behold a Pale Horse and The Novelization of the Batman Forever movie. I’d prefer hardcovers for each, but I’ll be okay with paperbacks.
JAY: Batman Forever. For real? Okay.People usually just ask for “The Great Gatsby” or “The Things They Carried.” You’ve actually stumped me here. I’ll need to look this up.
ED: (nerdy and earnest) To the computer!
JAY: You’re a… you’re a fun guy aren’t ya?
ED: (nerdy and earnest) I am not a mushroom.
JAY: Yeah… you sure are. Let’s go find those books.
CUT TO:ED standing at the counter. JAY returns with copies of the books.
JAY: Looks like you are in luck my friend. Here ya go… One copy of “Behold a Pale Horse” by Bill Cooper. And one copy of “The Novelization of the Batman Forever Movie” by Steve… Batman? (beat) Steve Batman… Weird. Also, I wanted to ask… are you a member of our Smallwood Books Platinum Members Club? Platinum Members get an extra ten percent off all non-books in the store. So what do you say? Can I sign you up to be a Platinum Smallwood Books Member?
We hear the BOOPS of the scanner.
ED: Does it cost anything to sign up?
JAY: No, all we would need is your name, zip code and email address.
ED: Do you get a commission or bonus or something for signing people up?
JAY: Not much. But yeah. It’s nothing. So really don’t worry about—-
ED: Yeah, yeah… I’ll sign up then.
JAY: You don’t have to do that.
ED: No, it's okay. It's okay. I want to. You helped me so I want to help you.
JAY: Just a fair warning they’re going to spam the shit out of your inbox and really there’s only like maybe ten days a year when we aren’t already having a twenty percent discount…
ED: I don’t mind the spam emails. They taste great with eggs.
JAY: Your total now comes to thirteen thirty-two.
ED: I’ve got “da monies.”
NARRATOR (V.O.): As Ed retrieves a wad of Washingtons from his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles themed wallet, he notices a familiar face on a flyer that’s hanging from the checkout counter. ED: Oh, hey. That’s cool. I work with him. Ol’ Wally Clay. Nice guy. Quality Geezer. Quality Geezer.
JAY: Ol’ Mustache Man didn’t even bother to show up to his last two readings. Honestly, tho… can’t blame him. I wouldn’t show up if no one else was going to.
ED: No one came? Damn.
JAY: We didn’t even bother setting up the chairs for the last one.
INT. ED’S HOME - EVENINGWe are at Ed’s sister CAMILLE’s home…
CAMILLE: Where the hell were you all day?
ED: Had to drive out to Mehville to help a friend. (mocking) Where the hell were you all day?
CAMILLE: Here, motherfucker. Right here. Working from home fourteen hours a day. Pregnant. Bored as shit.
ED: At least you have D to keep you company.
CAMILLE: You think that’s what she’s doing? Keeping me company?
ED: Kids are fun.
CAMILLE: Kids aren’t fun when they’re your kids.
ED: I really don’t mind watching D. She’s hilarious. I legit think she might end up being the youngest cast member on Saturday Night Live next Season.
CAMILLE: You don’t get it, Eddie. It’s different when you’re their fun Uncle. When you’re not their resource and restriction for every single thing every single minute of every single day and—
ED: No, I mean… I really don’t mind watching Destiny… I’ve got it. It’s taken care of… you’re off work tonight, sis. Go take a nap. Or watch a movie. Or eat a cheesecake.
CAMILLE: If you watch her for the rest of the night I might be able to do all three.
ED: Do all three.
CAMILLE: For real. Because you know Destiny’s been having that thing where she thinks she’s seeing Shadow People in here room at night and—-
ED: Go. I’ve got this.
CAMILLE: Do you know if “The Strawman” is still playing at the Alamo Drafthouse?
ED: The new Peele movie. Yes, I believe it is…
CAMILLE: Say less. Let me get out of here before you change your mind.
She heads back into the house.
CAMILLE: (calling out) Destiny, your Uncle is going to watch you tonight.
EXT. BACKYARD AT ED’S HOME
ED and his niece Destiny are in the backyard.
ED: Hey, D, you wanna blow some sh— You wanna blow some stuff up?
DESTINY: Yeah…
ED: Which one are you thinking… We’ve got some Black Cats, some Roman Candles and some Sparklers, here…
DESTINY: Sparklers!
ED: (disappointed) Really?
DESTINY: Sparklers!
ED: Well… okay. If you insist.
Ed hands the sparkler to Destiny and she squeezes tightly in her fist.
ED: You’ve got it? I’m about to light it. Are you ready?
DESTINY: Yesss!
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Ed and Destiny are watching a [boring] Documentary… the FRONT DOOR opens. CAMILLE has returned.
CAMILLE: Hey, sorry its a little later than expected. I took the long drive home. Just kinda feeling the music today…
ED: No worries. You deserve to take some time for yourself. Plus I love hanging out with the little weirdo. You know she has an imaginary friend named Billy Zane? But its not the guy from Titanic.
CAMILLE: Oh my God. All day long… Billy Zane did this. Billy Zane did that. Don’t you start talking about Billy Zane too… How long has she been asleep?
ED: What time is it?
CAMILLE: Eleven.
ED: Oh, then probably not long. We were both kinda nodding off… You want me to move her to her room?
CAMILLE: She sure loves her Uncle doesn’t she?
ED: And her Uncle loves her. Seriously. Stop trying to fly around with a cape on. You don’t have to be Super Mom one hundred percent of the time.. If you ever need time to yourself just me to babysit. I’ve got you. Derek works what.. Six hundred hours a week? Y’all deserve a break sometime too.
CAMILLE: Yeah, I know… but like, we don’t want to put all that on you. You’ve got your own life to worry about.
ED: I’m just saying… I’m here if you need me. That’s what family is for…
CUT TO: PHONE CALL
TASHA: (on phone) Oh, my God. Thank you, Ed. You’re a lifesaver.
ED: (on phone) Is it just going to be me and Brandon moving everything?
TASHA: (on phone) No. No. No-no no no.
ED: (on phone) Cool. Cool.
TASHA: (on phone) No. Brandon is gone. Me and Brandon have been done since last weekend.
ED: (on phone) Shit. I’m sorry.
TASHA: (on phone) Don’t be. I caught him eating a whole mess of lunch meat…
ED: (on phone) That doesn’t sound so bad.
TASHA: You didn’t see how he was doing it tho.
ED: So its just going to be me then?
TASHA: No. I’ll be there too.
ED: Okay… yeah. That’s fine. I can do that.
TASHA: Ah, Eddie! I knew my big bro would come through for me. Don’t worry. I’ll totally order a pizza and we can make it fun. It’ll be just like that summer when we merged our bedrooms and built that giant fort. Remember?
ED: (deadpan) Yeah. I’m sure it’ll be just like that. Do you at least have Dolly or like boxes…
TASHA: What’s a dolly?
ED: Don’t worry about it. I’m pretty sure I can rent one from Peterson.
TASHA: And don’t think I’m not going to pay you because I’m totally gonna pay you as soon as I get back on my feet.
ED: The call center is hiring.
No response.
ED: (CONT’D) Okay… well… try to have everything boxed up by Friday if you can.
TASHA: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
ED: Yeah. Bye I love you
—CLICK—-
INT. CLARKE COMMUNICATIONS TRAINING CLASS - DAY
ED is standing at the front of the CALL CENTER training class giving them a speech on safety.
ED: (addressing the entire training class) …and finally I just want to remind everyone that your badge is not only your ID… It’s your ticket to the show. No one’s getting in this building unless they have their Clarke Communications Badge in a visible and appropriate place. I don’t want to have to hold the door closed on any of you folks next week. Anyone else have any more questions for me?
All the trainees are bored and silent. Someone is clicking a marker lid on and off. We hear cricket.
JUDY: Yeah, safety. Always the most exciting part of our day. Let’s all thank the very talented and very handsome Mr. Choom for visiting with us today.
INT. CLARKE COMMUNICATIONS CAFETERIA - LATER
ED and JUDY are sitting down eating LUNCH together.
JUDY: It was just a role playing exercise, Ed. No one really thinks you eat our garbage at night.
ED: You didn’t see the way Bert was looking at me when he said it.
JUDY: Do you want me to fire him? Because I’ll do it. I’ve done it before.
ED: No, it’s okay. Don’t fire him.
JUDY: Just let me know, dude. I’ve got your back. Fuck Bert. Old Bag of Crap.
ED: Now see I think you’re going too hard.
JUDY: That’s funny. Because my Judo Trainer says I don’t go hard enough.
CHARLOTTE approaches the table with her attention focused on Ed. She does NOT look happy to see him.
CHARLOTTE: Edward, I’ve just been back from the roof and do you know what I’ve found?
ED: Inner peace?
CHARLOTTE: No.
JUDY: A rainbow?
CHARLOTTE: No. I’ve found two dozen half-filled cans of soda on the roof. They appear to be staged… as if someone is intentionally collecting them. Do you know who that person is, Ed?
ED: Not me.
CHARLOTTE: Isn’t it though?
ED: No.
CHARLOTTE: Isn’t it though?
ED: No.
CHARLOTTE: Who else goes up on the roof, Ed?
ED: Obviously you were up there.
CHARLOTTE: Fair enough.
ED: Walt from HR goes up here.
CHARLOTTE: Ed, see to it that the cans are removed.
ED: Got it. Got it.
CHARLOTTE: (to Ed) Thank you. (to Judy) Judy.
JUDY: Charlotte.
Charlotte walks away leaving Judy and Ed to finish their lunch.
JUDY: (laughing) Why are you collecting old energy drink cans on the roof?
ED: It’s for a science experiment.
JUDY: A science experiment? That’s so cute. What are you in sixth grade?
ED: Ha-ha. What time is it?
JUDY: Uhh… we’ve got fifteen minutes left on this break.
ED: I’m not on break. I’m driving to Mehville later so I took the rest of the day off.
JUDY: New special friend?
ED: No. (Blush) I have to drop some stuff off.
JUDY: (sarcastic) Exciting… Well in that case hit the road. You don’t have to just sit here while I finish.
ED: No, its okay. This is usually one of the better parts of my day.
JUDY: Me too. Is your sister Camille still planning on having that big Gender Reveal party this weekend?
ED: Yeah… I still have to build a (sarcastic) “Gender Reveal Smoke and Confetti Cannon.” It’s so stupid.
JUDY: (sarcastic) Well… don’t accidentally set half the countryside on fire or anything. (laughs)
ED: Right? (laughs) Be like…. It’s a girl… Run for your lives!
NARRATOR: As a Floor Manager at the Clarke Communications Call Center, Charlotte held very few responsibilities. Monitoring call times and restroom breaks. Sending memes to other hard working Floor Managers. Playing “Smashed Potatoes” on her phone… But as a member of The Order of the Eastern Star, it was Charlotte’s sole responsibility and sworn duty to watch over a special figure held in esteem at the very center of Freemasonry… The Owl of Euclid. You might know him by his common name, Walter Clay. You also might be putting two and two together now that Charlotte is pretty shit at both her jobs. Walt’s sudden disappearance had thrown a not so welcome wrench into Charlotte’s carefully managed routine. All the time she was spending searching for The Owl caused her to miss out on… like… a lot of “Smashed Potatoes Loyalty Login Bonuses.” And those things are cumulative so it’s not like she’s getting those back… Charlotte had been staking out all of Walt’s usual haunts. The Breakroom. The Roof. Fairmount Park. Smallwood Books. The Botanical Garden. Sculpture Park. The Arbys. Nothing. After two weeks, it was time to call the Lodge.
PHONE CALL
Charlotte calls the Freemason Neil. We hear a bowling alley in the background.
NEIL: Hello?
CHARLOTTE: Its Charlotte, I—
NEIL: This had better be worth it. I’m working on a Turkey at the moment and my rolling hand had better not get cold…
CHARLOTTE: Well, first I would like to formally request that no matter what I tell you… you can’t be mad at me.
NEIL: Hmm… must be pretty bad then…
CHARLOTTE: It is. Yes. So… Do you promise?
NEIL: Indeed. I promise.
CHARLOTTE: And furthermore Brother, I ask you to pinky swear?
NEIL: I pinky swear. Now what is it, Charlotte?
CHARLOTTE: The Owl is missing.
NEIL: Fuck off. (Beat) You’re serious? Are you sure?
CHARLOTTE: I am.
NEIL: Did you check Fairmount Park?
CHARLOTTE: I did. And all the Movie Theaters and The Arby’s.
NEIL: Nothing?
CHARLOTTE: Not even a feather.
NEIL: And he didn’t say that he’d be doing anything out of the ordinary….
CHARLOTTE: No. Nothing’s on the schedule.
NEIL: Hmm… You’re very fortunate to have opted for the pre-confession pinky swear. …If the Illuminati or the WhiteBoys get their hands on the Owl it’s only a matter of time before…
CHARLOTTE: I understand.
NEIL: And you know the cost of fixing this issue, yes?
CHARLOTTE: I do.
NEIL: The last time the Owl went missing we ended up with a book, movie and festival all dedicated to our little fiasco… That cannot happen again. I’ll need to alert The Nest right away.
CHARLOTTE: Do we have to tell the others? I mean… this might be nothing. I could just be overreacting.
NEIL: For your sake, Charlotte, I do hope this reveals itself to be nothing more than a Three’s Company level mixup.
CHARLOTTE: Just call me Jack Trip—
PHONE disconnects. We stay with NEIL at:
INT. BOWLING ALLEY
Neil is bowling with WMM
WMM: What was all that about?
NEIL: The Owl is missing.
WMM: Did anyone check the Arby's?
INT./EXT. ED DRIVING - LATER
Car drives down a highway listening to music.
EXT. APARTMENT FRONT DOOR - DAY
ED is cradling a moving box with his left arm and KNOCKING on the front door with his right. After a couple knocks the door opens and Doctor’s K’s kid JIMMIE steps out.
ED: Uh, Hi, I’m Ed. I’m the guy who called earlier about your Dad’s stuff.
JIMMIE: He’s not my Dad.
ED: Right. Sorry. I mean Kevin Byrd. When I was clearing out his apartment I put together a box of a few specific things I thought you or maybe someone in the family might want. Some pictures, baseball glove, trophies… stuff like that. I also picked up new copies of Doc’s two favorite books. Behold a Pale Horse. And The Novelization of the Batman Forever movie.
ED hands box to JIMMIE.
JIMMIE: umm… okay thanks I guess
ED: You know he was a pretty cool guy. He talked about you a lot.
JIMMIE: You’re probably thinking of my sister Kelly.
ED: No. You’re Jimmie, right?
JIMMIE: Yeah. That’s me.
ED: Yeah, no, Doc used to talk about you all the time.
JIMMIE: (sarcastic) I’m sure… Well.. thanks for the box of shitty reminders Ned.
ED: It’s Ed. You’re Welcome. And—
Jimmie SLAMS the door in Ed’s face.
ED: Okay… just slam the door in my face.
Ed starts to walk away, but then turns on a heel and walks back to the front door.
Ed KNOCKS again.
JIMMIE: Hey, back so soon? Listen if you’re trying to apologize it’s fine I—-
ED: Give me back the book.
JIMMIE: What?
ED: Give me back the book. The Novelization of Batman Forever. You’re not going to read it so give it back to me.
JIMMIE: You want me to give you back the book you just gave me?
ED: Yeah, I do. Give it back. I only bought you a new one because I’m the one who lost Doc’s old copy.
JIMMIE: Why do you keep calling him Doc? He wasn’t a doctor.
ED: Yes he was. He was a Military Doctor.
JIMMIE: The closest Kevin Byrd ever came to being a Doctor or in the Military was when he walked by a Spirit Halloween Store.
ED: Well either way he was a good person and he deserves—-
JIMMIE: Do good people abandon their families? Do good people steal their kids' toys and pawn them for Meth money?
ED: No. (beat) I’m sorry. I didn’t know—
JIMMIE: It’s okay.
ED: For the record though. He wasn’t all bad. I guess… after he got sober. He taught a rescue dog how to Dance at a professional level. Bad people don’t do stuff like that. One time when I lost my keys he showed me how to Hotwire a car.
JIMMIE: That's nice. The only thing he ever showed me how to do was punch a hole in the wall without breaking my hand.
ED: Oh. ( beat ) I can teach you how to hot-wire a car right now if you’ve got like twenty minutes.
JIMMIE: (sigh into laugh) Honestly that’s the only thing you’ve mentioned that sounds anything like the Kevin Byrd. (laugh) Hot wiring cars.
ED: I know at the time you needed him he maybe wasn’t the best… but when I knew him he did always seem to be trying to be a good person. I just think it’s impossible for anyone to see someone else for everything they are.
JIMMIE: That’s probably true. Well, congratulations, Ed, as the last mildly giving a shit member of Doctor Kevin Byrd’s estate, I'd like for you to be responsible for carrying on his legacy. If Kevin… if my Dad had any stories worth sharing… you’ll know them better than I do.
ED: I promise I’ll do my best.
JIMMIE: Yeah, I don’t really give a shit. (beat) I’m sorry, I know I probably sound like a dick, but—-
ED: No, I get it. Believe me. I used to talk the same way about my Mom. If you change your mind and decide you want this stuff or if you want to just look at it or whatever… It’s still yours and—-
JIMMIE: I tell you what I’d like to do to it. Blow it the fuck up. That’s what I’d like to do to it.
ED: (interested) Yeah? Really?
JIMMIE: Fuck yeah I would. That would make my day.
ED: If you have like five minutes I can show you something else Kevin taught me.
