NARRATOR (V.O.): You could do it all.… every last little thing that’s on that big to-do list of yours. You could cross it all off… Climb every mountain. Win every award. Invent a system of mathematics. Revolutionize the telescope. Discover gravitational force… It doesn’t matter how much you accomplish in life… you will always have haters. Learn to ignore them. Two Flat Earthers Kidnap a Freemason. Episode Five, All my Homies Hate Sir Isaac Newton.
INT. DUNNING-KRUGER HOME - MORNING
Randy and Gayle are both wearing ski MASKS and searching Walt’s PHONE
RANDY: No apps. What a loser.
GAYLE: Check the videos…
INSERT - CANDID HOME VIDEO
WALT and his daughter DERBY are doing the new viral dance.
WALT: (on video) Am I doing it? Am I doing it?
DERBY: (on video) (laughs) No. Oh my God. Dad. Just Wait. I’ll show you.
On the video WALT and DERBY switch places.
WALT: (on video) What’s this called again?
DERBY: (on video) The Gish Gallop.
WALT: (on video) You’re not lying to me are ya, Derbster?
DERBY: (on video) No, that’s what its called!
DERBY shows her Dad how to do the dance.
WALT: (on video) Now see I feel like that’s exactly what I was doing…
DERBY: (on video) No… (laughs) Here I’ll show you an easier one.
WALT: (on video) That might be a good idea.
GAYLE: Aww, she’s a cutie.
RANDY: Probably a deep-fake video engineered to add layers of cover to his secret identity. CIA Agents used to carry fake pictures of ‘their kids’ in their wallet. Lies upon lies. That’s how they do it.
INSERT - CANDID HOME VIDEO
WALT and his ex-wife DEBRA are in the car.
WALT: (on video) Look at that beauty. What’s that building called?
DEBRA: (on video) That? Walt, that’s a Walmart.
WALT: (on video) No. What? That one?
DEBRA: (laugh) Yes. Oh my god.
WALT: (on video) Oh.
DEBRA: (on video) - (laughing)
WALT: (Laughs) Ah, I’ve just never seen one that color before.
INSERT - CANDID HOME VIDEO
WALT and DEBRA in a Las Vegas Casino. Happy times. They cheer as a mechanical horse racing game plays in the background.
WALT: (on video) Go! Go! Go! Come on number three you’ve got this…
DEBRA: (on video) Four baby! Four! Come on, Four! (won) Yeah!
WALT: (on video) (lost) Nooo! You must’ve cheated. I don’t know how you did it, but you cheated.
DEBRA: (on video) You owe me a back rub. You owe me a back rub.
INSERT - CANDID HOME VIDEO
Walt and Debra fighting. She’s threatening to smash a Hobo Clown Statue.
WALT: (on video) Well, would you look at that! I can record you too! (Beat) Debra… Debra, put down the ceramic Hobo Clown.
DEBRA: I hate you and I hate these clowns!
Debra slams the ceramic hobo clown on the floor. It SHATTERS.
WALT: (on video) Are you kidding me? That Sad Hobo Clown statuette was irreplaceable!
WALT tries to pick up all the little pieces.
WALT: (on video) There’s the stick. Where’s his bindle? What have you done with his bindle?
Clip is of Walt at a YOUTH SPORTS game cheering on Derby. We hear the CLANK of an ALUMINUM BAT hitting a SOFTBALL. Crowd Cheering.
WALT: (on video) Go Derby! Go Derby! Run!
A clip of Walt and Derby driving home after a Big Game.
WALT: (on video) Now from what I’ve gathered you’re doing quite well. You’ve received two hits within six at-bats… I was worried you might’ve been struggling, but it seems the margin of error is quite wide in Softball. Smile. You should be proud of yourself.
DERBY: (on video) Can we get ice cream?
WALT: (on video) You got two hits in six at-bats! Why of course you can get ice cream.
GAYLE: Maybe they don’t record their secret meetings.
RANDY: These videos are just fake plants.
GAYLE: Are you sure?
RANDY: It's pretty obvious if you know what to look for.
GAYLE: What do you look for?
RANDY: All the tell-tale signs…
NARRATOR (V.O.): If you’ve never woken up trapped inside of a Ventura Exotic Animal Cage with no memory of how or why you’re in it… then you have no idea how Walter Clay is feeling right now. So don’t even act like you do.
NARRATOR (V.O.): For a moment, Walt is only able to make out the blurry image of two faceless figures. He rubs his raw and red eyes… slowly stirring himself back to consciousness. The first things to come into focus are the metal bars surrounding him… and then the strangers in ski masks staring back.
GAYLE: Randy. Randy. He’s awake.
WALT: (groggy) Hello? Wh-What’s going on? What is this…?
RANDY: Hey there, Wally… How are we doing?
WALT: What’s happening?
RANDY: I think you know what’s happening…
NARRATOR (V.O.): Walt grabs ahold of the cage bars and gives them a good shake. The cage is terrifyingly solid.
WALT: Let me out of here.
RANDY: Good luck. This is a Ventura Exotic Animal Cage. You know what that means, right?
WALT: Listen, whatever you want I’ll—
RANDY: It means you’re not getting out unless I let you out.
GAYLE: This model cage is typically used to transport Silverback Gorillas.
RANDY: So unless you’re stronger than a Silverback Gorilla you’re not going anywhere.
WALT: I… I’m not sure who you might have me confused with, but—
RANDY: No, we know exactly who you are, Walter Clay of 716 Durham Dr, St. Louis, MO… Walter Clay who once posted some very embarrassing poetry online.
WALT: How does everybody keep getting my information?
RANDY: The internet, man. It’s really not that hard. Took me two hours to find out everything I need to know about you.
WALT: Then you know enough to know that I don’t have any money to pay any ransom.
RANDY: Yeah, no shit. We don’t want your six-hundred and thirteen dollars.
GAYLE: We want what’s in your brain.
WALT: What?
GAYLE: The secrets.
WALT: Secrets? What secrets? I don’t know any secrets…
RANDY picks up a TASER.
RANDY: This is a taser. If you haven’t been keeping up with the news… recent studies have confirmed that a taser shock to the testicles is enough to kill a man. So… with that being said…
Randy pulls the trigger on TASER to show off its power.
RANDY: (CONT’D) Do you want to do this easy way or do you want me to tase you in the balls?
WALT: Again, I don’t know if maybe you’ve mixed me up with another Walter Clay or—
RANDY: You know what? Fuck it. I’m just gonna do it.
WALT: What? No.
RANDY: I mean I should probably do it at least one time, right? That way I can feel like I got my money’s worth.
GAYLE: Do it, but make it an even number of times. Odd numbers freak me out.
WALT: How about zero times? Zero is an even number.
RANDY: See! Already with the lies! You’re not off to a great start, Wally.
RANDY approaches the cage. TASER in hand.
WALT: Ah, Ah! No, no, no. You haven’t even asked me a question yet… What do you want to know?
RANDY: You can save yourself a lot of trouble if you just admit it.
WALT: Admit what?
RANDY: Admit that you're a top level Secret Agent slash Freemason slash Human Resources Representative who was sent to St. Louis to fire me, silence us and murder my mentor, Doctor K. All in an attempt to prevent the release of a video that would totally fuck yall’s shit up. Big time.
GAYLE: Big time.
WALT: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t even know who you are…
RANDY: Don’t you though?
NARRATOR: (V.O.) In a not uncommon moment of weakness, Randy’s desperate need for attention and name recognition outweighed his desire to keep his identity a secret from his victim. And Randy pulled off his facemask.
RANDY: Tada! Recognize me now.
WALT: Where? Where do I know you from—?
GAYLE: Randy, I thought we were wearing masks for a reason.
WALT: (remembering) Randy..?
RANDY: (to Gayle) Well, now you’re using my real name, so you tell me how well the masks worked.
GAYLE: The masks would’ve worked just fine if you would’ve left yours on like you were supposed to.
WALT: Listen, you say you want information from me. I’m willing to help. Just tell me what it is you want to know and I’ll do my best to answer.
RANDY: Well… first of all… why?
WALT: Why, what?
RANDY: Why everything, man? All yall’s… business… you know… what’s going on? What are y’all up to? (Beat) And why?
GAYLE: Why are the Freemasons working with NASA to hide the fact that the earth is flat?
NARRATOR: (V.O.) It takes WALT a beat to register what Gayle’s just said. He’s pretty sure he heard what he heard, but he still wants to ask anyway…
WALT: …did you just say that the Freemasons and NASA are working together to cover up some sort of Flat Earth Conspiracy?
GAYLE: You know that’s what I said.
WALT: Oh, that’s good. Well done! You really sold this bit. You got me! Where are the cameras? (Laughs)
WALT laughs, but his laughter dies out as Randy shouts over him. Effectively sucking the energy of the room and establishing that no, this isn’t a joke.
RANDY: This isn’t a joke! This isn’t a joke! This isn’t a joke! (Beat) Tell me right now what are you hiding!?
WALT: Nothing. I’m not hiding anything. And especially not anything regarding a ‘flat earth.’ Why would it matter if the earth was flat or round or... trapezoidal… Why would that be something we wanted to hide? (Beat) And how could we?
RANDY: Don’t start playing your mind games with me, Freemason. (to Gayle) Gayle, do not make eye contact with him.
GAYLE: I can’t stop, Randy. He’s got ahold of my mind.
RANDY: You let go of my wife’s mind right now!
WALT: I don’t have her mind.
RANDY: (a go-time exhale) Yeah… it’s time.
NARRATOR (V.O.): And with that Randy leans in and tases WALT in the balls.
WALT: G-g-g-g-sshsh-tttggg…
RANDY: Fuck yeah, totally worth the money.
WALT: (twitchy) Ow. Ow. Ow.
GAYLE: I’m free. I’m free.
RANDY: Think I’d tase you in the balls if this was a TV show? No. That’d be a pretty messed up way to try to dazzle and entertain American Television viewing audiences. I’m not Howie Mandell. Gayle isn’t Scary Spice. And you’re damn sure not America’s Got Talent Season Seventeen Winner Rhett Savage.
WALT: Please… I have a family.
RANDY: More like you had a family. You got divorced five years ago.
WALT: How did you?
RANDY: I already told you. The internet. (beat) The internet never lies… and it never holds anything back. So, unless you want me to pay Derby a visit… you might want to start answering some questions?
WALT: Whatever you want. Just leave my family out of this.
RANDY: I think we’ve been pretty clear as to what we want, Wally. We want you on tape on the record spilling them Freemason beans all over your nice chessboard floor…
GAYLE: We wanna sop up that secret sauce with a biscuit. Yum.
RANDY: Gayle, Honey… I want you to know that was not only hilarious… It was also a spot on metaphor for what we’re gonna do when all that secret knowledge comes spilling’ outta Wally’s brain here.
WALT: Is this about your termination from the call center?
RANDY: Oh, so you do recognize me?
WALT: I’m in Human Resources, Randy. We do paperwork and listen to complaints. We don’t actually make any of the decisions.
RANDY: This is so much bigger than Clarke Communications. This is about saving the world from people like you… You Freemasons are responsible for… for… for everything… You Control the Weather and the World Banks and you… you… (beat) shit… what was the third thing?
GAYLE: Weren’t they also replacing once beloved celebrities with talentless heartless clones?
RANDY: No, that’s The Jason Society.
GAYLE: Are they not with the Freemasons? I thought the Jason’s were the ones who did the Weather.
RANDY: Maybe, we should ask our friend here…
WALT: I’m not sure what all you think you know in regards to Freemasonry, but you shouldn’t believe everything you read.
RANDY: I didn’t read it. I watched a video. A lot of videos. Okay? (beat) And I know you Freemasons are up to some evil shit (entitled brat) so just tell me what it is…
WALT: The internet is filled with terrifying claims about who we are and what we do behind closed doors. But none of the things they say about us are true. I swear to you… none of it.
RANDY: Not even Masonic Lanes the Secret Underground Bowling Alley?
WALT: (bad liar) What? Secret bowling alleys? What are you on about?
RANDY leans in close as to be sinister.
RANDY: Just so you know… I see through this entire act of yours.
RANDY stomps away.
GAYLE: (to Walt) Are you a vampire? You have to tell me if you’re a vampire if I ask. It’s the law.
WALT: Vampire Law, is it?
GAYLE: Yeah. So… are you? (Beat) A vampire?
WALT: No, I’m not a vampire.
RANDY: When I come back you better have some secrets for me.
A DOOR opens andSLAMS. DOOR RE-OPENS and RANDY peeks his head back in for a moment.
RANDY: Juicy secrets, mother fucker. Come on, Gayle.
DOOR SLAMS closed again.
WALT: (surreal panic) Hello? You can't just leave me in here. Help! Help me!
We sit with WALT for a beat until his panicked breathing subsides and then we hear a disembodied ghostly and pompous voice. This is NEWTON. The Ghost of Sir Isaac Newton.
NEWTON: Looks like you managed to get us in a royally fucked up situation, Old Boy.
WALT: Oh, piss off, Isaac. Not now.
NEWTON: You know I was kidnapped once by a group of Farmer’s Daughters. They removed all of my clothes, shaved my head and locked me in a padded sex-dungeon for three weeks and I still managed to escape with my Virginity intact—
WALT: Help!
NEWTON: Yes. That’s it. Shout exclamations of distress to your captors. This will surely lead to your escape.
WALT: So what is it then, Isaac? Should I just sit here in silence instead?
NEWTON: No, but I think we can both agree that no one really cares when they hear a grown man shouting for help.
WALT: Help!
NEWTON: Help! (Beat) See. Truly. Not one fuck is being given by anyone.
WALT exhales in frustrated acceptance and leans back against the cage bars.
NEWTON: So, there I was, naked as the Pig Who Went to Market and I knew I had to think of something quick or the Farmers would surely be coming back to have their wicked way with me…
INT. DUNNING-KRUEGER - KITCHEN
RANDY and GAYLE both nervously pace around the room.
GAYLE: I’m sorry I froze up out there…
RANDY: It’s not your fault.
GAYLE: The way he held onto my mind… it felt like… it felt like he was a vampire…
RANDY: Well, no it didn’t because he’s not a vampire and vampires aren’t real.
GAYLE: I’m not saying he’s a vampire. I’m just saying that’s what it felt like…
RANDY: Well, one thing’s for sure, that was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I’m not crazy, right? It was like talking to a brick wall. Dude’s lucky I didn’t show him the Din Mak. (Quoting movie) Pick the brick..
GAYLE: Do you think he's just playing stupid? Like he’s waiting for us to get frustrated enough to let him go.
RANDY: (sinister whisper) No. I think Deep State operatives must’ve been tipped off to the fact he was compromised. Then somehow they managed to remotely wipe specific memories from his brain. Specific memories of..
GAYLE: …the secret knowledge!
RANDY: Bingo was his name-o. That's why he’s acting like he doesn't know what we’re talking about because right now… he doesn’t.
GAYLE: So the plan’s busted then. We’re screwed. We basically went and got a lemon from the Freemason store.
RANDY: Not necessarily… Memory wipe technology isn’t a perfect science. It tends to leave behind traces.
GAYLE: Cool. Cool. But… I mean he’s not going to want to give us the secret knowledge. We’ll still have to convince him to give it to us.
RANDY: That’s what torture and interrogations are for.
GAYLE: we should probably consult an expert…
CUT TO:
INT. DUNNING-KRUGER HOME
RANDY and GAYLE huddle around the computer watching a YouTube video.
A mouse CLICKS. YOUTUBE MUSIC STARTS PLAYING, quickly cuts off and switches to an AD for SMASHED POTATOES.
SMASHED POTATOES AD COPY: It’s Smashed Potatoes! Experience the game the New York Times unironically called an, “Absolute Smash Hit.” From farm to table you control the entire Potato lifecycle. Harvest Fresh—
RANDY: Just skip this AD as soon as soon as… here we go.
SOUNDS | Mouse Click
SGT. DIRKWATER: (on video) So you’re “hypothetically” looking to torture someone because you “hypothetically” have some information you’d like to get out of them. Well, fuck yeah you’ve come to the right place. (beat) Hypothetically. My name is Sargent Dirkwarter and I proudly served ten years in the Armed Forces. Now before I get started I just want to remind all of my little enlistees out there to CRUSH that Subscribe Button and next… (FADE OUT)
INT. DUNNING-KRUGER HOME - BASEMENT
Walt sits in his cage while Sir Isaac Newton regales him with another story.
NEWTON: I walked right up to him and said… this chromatic aberration is shit, man. Do better. And he was all… oh, oh, if better can be done… then you do it. So I did. Took me like three minutes. Everyone in attendance agreed that my Telescope was far superior, and then they all clapped …even took to calling me White Lighting for a time.
WALT: Who are you even talking to?
NEWTON: I was regaling you with another classic story from my past. (Sigh) Now see, Walter, when I say that you’ve been quite rude lately… this is the kind of thing I’m referring to. Very rude of you to interrupt.
WALT: Help! Please Help me!
The BASEMENT DOOR swings open. WALT sits up. RANDY enters holding two handfuls of candy bars.
RANDY: Hey! Somebody help this guy! (laughs) Nice try. This room has been acoustically treated… it is near soundproof. (beat) For podcasting. Not murdering.
WALT: I promise I won’t say anything to the authorities. I’ll leave St. Louis… hell I’ll even leave the Western Hemisphere. You’ll never see my face again. Ever. We can forget all about this…
RANDY: If I let you go right now, then all of this will have been for nothing. We’re already here, right? You’re already in the cage. Hard part is over with.
Randy paces around the room.
RANDY: (CONT’D): You know I actually came in here to apologize for being rude.
WALT: The best way to make it up to me would be letting me the fuck out of here.
RANDY: You know I can’t do that, Walter. But what I can do… is offer you a candy bar.
WALT: Brilliant. I’m starving. You know I haven’t eaten in almost two days now.
RANDY: We’ve had you here less than twenty hours so you can’t put all of that on us.
WALT: I guess I should’ve remembered to eat something just in case I got kidnapped.
RANDY: Well, I think it’s always a good practice to remember to eat something. Whether you think you might be getting kidnapped or not.
WALT: Listen, Randy, I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll call Charlotte and see if we can get your old job back.
RANDY: I don’t want my old job back!
WALT: Then what do you want!?
RANDY: Access to the Grand Lodge of Missouri.
WALT: Easy. Consider it done. We even have tour guides available to answer any and all questions you might have regarding Freemasonry. All much more knowledgable than I am.
RANDY: Nice try you Illuminati swine. You what… want me to show up alone so you and your Freemason brothers can surround and possibly overtake me? Not a chance. But… just to prove to you I’m not an asshole, here’s a Snickers. (Beat) Tell me who killed JFK and I might let you sniff the Butterfinger.
WALT quickly unwraps the candy bar and devours it.
RANDY: Sorry, if it’s a little melted. Had ‘em in my pocket for awhile.
WALT: Kinda made a little bit of a mess there didn’t I?
RANDY: (subtle ooh I won energy) yeah, you sure did. (beat) you sure did. (Long beat) How are you feeling?
WALT: Much better. Alright then, what’s your next question?
As WALT delivers the last syllable his world becomes wobbly and hazy. RANDY's voice seems all at once, distant and uncomfortably close.
RANDY: Tell me Walter Clay, what's the secret knowledge you Masons are bound to protect? And don't try to tell me about the Antarctic Wall or the firmament because I already know all about those lies.
WALT: (slurred speak) What were we talking about, again?
RANDY: How are you feeling now, Walter?
RANDY laughs a deep laugh that he wishes was scarier and more intimidating than it really is. Then, still struggling to stay awake, WALT laughs a tired giggly heavily medicated LAUGH. Determined to have the last laugh, RANDY forces another LAUGH.
WALT laughs along with him, not understanding at all what is happening. WALT & RANDY join together in a long forced fake laugh standoff, until- WALT passes out.
Randy forces one more FAKE LAUGH for the win.
RANDY: Last laugh. He’s out, Gayle.
The BASEMENT DOOR swings open. GAYLE enters holding a SLICE OF PIZZA and a WOOD STAKE.
RANDY: When did you order pizza?
GAYLE: It’s not delivery. (beat) It’s DiNucci’s.
RANDY: You’re wasting my DiNucci’s on your vampire-test bullshit?
GAYLE: No, I just made it. It’s still warm. And there’s plenty left. I only needed one slice for my vampire-test. And it’s not bullshit.
Gayle creeps up to Walt.
GAYLE: Wow, he’s really out isn’t he?
RANDY: Yeah, the “Six Ingredients from Under the Sink Knockout Concoction” worked pretty much exactly like they said it would… Except it doesn’t look like he shit himself very much… if at all.
GAYLE: Are you sure he’s not fake sleeping?
RANDY: Believe me… I would know. I’m an expert.
GAYLE approaches WALT, puts a hand over his face and waves it back and forth. She holds up a HAND MIRROR to him.
RANDY: And see, there’s his reflection. Not a vampire.
GAYLE: It’s been thousands of years, Randy. They could’ve evolved. We don’t really know the full extent of their modern vampiric powers.
Gayle leans down and SLAPS the slice of PIZZA across Walt’s face.
RANDY: There… now you slapped him in the face with a slice of pizza. Nothing happened. Are you satisfied?
GAYLE: No. (beat) Just wait…
GAYLE leans down and SLAPS Walt with the PIZZA. This time she’s packing a little heat on the delivery.
RANDY: Had to get him a second time to be sure?
GAYLE: I think there’s a good chance he might be non-vampiric. Or at least immune to Garlic.
RANDY: (big sigh) Did you break our broom?
GAYLE: I needed a stake.
RANDY: Let’s hold off on the staking. For now. I need that dude alive and talking.
Randy crosses the basement toward the door.
RANDY: My DiNucci’s better not be cold.
INT. DUNNING-KRUGER HOME - LATE
NARRATOR (V.O.): With his plate of cold food pushed to the side, Randy has a stack of notebooks and loose pieces of paper strewn about before him. A nearby RADIO plays the newest episode of The Newsham Hour while Randy furiously tries to keep up with what NEWSHAM is saying while he takes notes.
NEWSHAM: …and it was sometime in the 1970s when the Freemasons were able to gain… I don’t know what you’d call it…. An edge, maybe? And it was also around this time that NASA stopped giving a shit about going to the Moon or Mars and suddenly were content with just helping out on the Space Jam movies. Makes no sense people. Makes no sense. Why’d they stop going back to the Moon?
RANDY: Hold on… so did we go to the Moon or not?
NEWSHAM: If science is real, why aren’t I broadcasting from Mars. If science is real, why do I still have to chew my food like an animal? Where are the pill meals we were promised?
GAYLE: Do you mind if we turn that off while we eat?
RANDY: You expect me to eat in the dark?
GAYLE: I meant the radio. Not the light.
RANDY: Yeah, sorry, just need to finish up this last bit before Newsham’s next break. And then I can eat.
GAYLE: How much time is that?
RANDY: Forty.. forty-five minutes tops.
GAYLE: Randy, come on. You need to eat.
RANDY: I’m not hungry.
NEWSHAM: (on radio) Who would steal the Future we were promised? Who went to the Moon? Who went to Deep Space Nine? Who told us… eh… don’t worry about it.. there’s nothing to see here? Who told us to stop thinking about the Face of Mars? Who told us to trust them when they built this country? The Fraternal Order of the Free and Accepted Masons aka The Freemasons aka the reason our country is this way it is right now. Life is hard because they enjoy making it hard. And its not going to get any easier until we get the upper hand on em. Someone needs to get a hold of one of these Freemason and shake the secrets out of them…
GAYLE: What did he just say? Rewind. Rewind.
NEWSHAM: (on radio) someone needs to get a hold of one of these Freemason and shake the secrets out of them…
RANDY clicks pause and they both share a big adrenaline affirmation laugh…
GAYLE: Talk about a freakin’ crazy coincidence!
RANDY: Gayle, there’s no such thing as a coincidence.
GAYLE: (gasp)
RANDY: That was a sign from the universe. A sign that we’re on the right track and no one will be able to stop us.
GAYLE: Time to get back to work?
INT. DUNNING-KRUGER BASEMENT
Close on Walt’s HEAD. He’s unconscious and drooling, but sitting upright. We hear HAIR CLIPPERS being turned on. Then the sound of them cutting through hair. Clumps of hair fall from Walt’s head.
RANDY: Hold him still or he’s gonna lose an ear.
GAYLE: Do you see anything?
RANDY: No. Lean him forward so I can check his back again.
GAYLE: Ew… gross. Why is he so wet?
RANDY: Not a lot of people know this, but all Freemasons suffer from overactive sweat glands.
Walt’s drugged and numb body slumps forward.
RANDY: Nothing on the back either.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Randy and Gayle stripped Walt nearly naked searching for secret birthmarks or tattoos. Now Randy is using a Magnifying glass to inspect Walt’s skin for Masonic clues.
WALT’S limp bare LEGS are dropped and we pull back to see Walt outside of his cage slumped in a chair and stripped down to his underwear. Gayle is standing behind Walt with the CLIPPERS shaving his head.
RANDY: Downstairs is clear as well. Well not clear… but you get it.
GAYLE: Should we clean him up?
SOUNDS | Clippers Turned On
GAYLE: (CONT’D) No, that’d be weird.
SOUNDS | Clippers Turn Off
RANDY: Well, that was a total bust. No secret map tattoos or birthmarks. (beat) Just a big ol’ bald head.
SOUNDS | Slap Bald Head
GAYLE: Where else did it say to check?
RANDY hits play on a Youtube Instructional Video.
SGT. DIRKWATER (on video): Now if you’ve successfully shaved their head and failed to find any secret maps… the next step might be… to look inside the skull.
GAYLE: Not it.
RANDY: Not it.
transcript for post-show promo trailer: [what Will Be Here Theme Plays throughout the trailer, triumphant-sounding piano and strings.]
JULES: I’m working on a little time capsule project to send a message to the future, and these recordings are part of it! This recorder? Our payload. And there’s a whole group of us working on it!
KEI: Half of the things I want to build won’t work anyway, and the end of the world isn’t going to stop me from trying.
ARMANI: There is always a danger to building something like this. A miscalculation, a wrong decimal, hell, a drop of fuel too little, and this whole thing could go sideways.
SURI: So it’s not like you have to be a rocket scientist to… build a rocket... Um. Nevermind.
DANE: The earth is fucked. It’s broken and it’s awful and it’s tearing itself apart and there is nothing any of us can do to stop it.
CREDITS: What Will Be Here is a sci-fi audio drama about living on a doomed earth and building things anyway. Find out more about the show at whatwillbehere.crd.co, and subscribe on your podcatcher of choice today.
