DANY: (pre-roll message) Hey there, Folks! Just wanted to pop in real quick and say thank you thank you thank you. Thank you so much for listening. We appreciate you taking the time to check out the show! Producing new episodes is truly a labor of love. Since you’ve made it to Episode Four we’d love it if you’d take the time to leave us a rating or review. You don’t even have to write anything. You can just click the stars. But if you did want to write a few kind words I know for a fact that they would make our day. Even if it’s just one sentence, something simple like “this show rules…” will let us know that people who are listening are actually enjoying the show. If you don’t let us know that you enjoyed it then we’ll literally never know. If we made you laugh. If we made you think… considering leaving us a quick rating or review. Okay that’s it! Enjoy episode four!
NARRATOR (V.O.): When a conspiracy theorist discovers a new conspiracy… it ignites the squiggles in their brain and creates the same reaction that other people have when they discover a new album, television show or drug. Gayle and Randy had received their first hit of Doctor K’s Mars slash Freemason Remote Viewing Tape… and let’s just say it was some good shit.... So the two Conspiracy Addicts were headed back to The Flat Cave for another taste. Or listen. Or whatever. You get it. They’re hooked.
EXT. THE FLAT CAVE AKA DOC’S APARTMENT - DAY
Randy and Gayle on a porch. Randy KNOCKS on the front door of The Flat Cave, which we see now is just a regular apartment.
RANDY: Come on, Doc. I know you’re home.
Randy KNOCKS again.
GAYLE: Should I call him?
RANDY: He probably won’t pick up, but it's worth a shot. Old Fucker sleeps like a rock.
The call goes unanswered and gets forwarded to Voicemail.
DOCTOR K (voicemail greeting): How’d you get this number?
Voicemail BEEP.
GAYLE: (leaving message) Hey Doctor Kevin, it’s Gayle. Me and Randy are on your porch right now. It’s Tuesday at… eleven pm or so… I’m staring at your AstroVan sitting in the parking lot.
RANDY: Answer the door, Doc. We’ve got work to do.
GAYLE: (leaving message) …so yeah, just come answer the door when you can.
GAYLE hangs up. Randy KNOCKS again. Nothing.
GAYLE tries the doorknob. The DOOR is UNLOCKED.
GAYLE: Ugh. The door’s unlocked.
RANDY: All my knocking must’ve shaken the deadbolts loose.
GAYLE: (sarcastic and sweet) Yeah, that’s probably what happened.
INT. THE FLAT CAVE AKA DOC’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Randy and Gayle enter Doc’s apartment.
RANDY: (calling out) Hey Doc, It’s Randy.
GAYLE: (calling out) And Gayle.
RANDY: (calling out) Gayle’s here too. Please don’t shoot us.
GAYLE: Doc, I brought you some T-Ravs.
RANDY: You need to lock your door, man. Leave that shit unlocked and you never know what kind of weirdo might walk in here.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Randy finds Doctor K slouched over in a chair behind his desk. His eyes clouded, gray and empty.
GAYLE: (concerned) Randy, what’s going on?
RANDY: (panicked) Don’t come in here, Gayle.
GAYLE: What?
RANDY: (panicked) Just stay out.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Randy slams the door shut and hesitantly creeps over to the desk to check Doc’s pulse.
RANDY: No… no… no… no… this isn’t right. This isn’t right.
NARRATOR (V.O.): In a panic Randy begins rifling through everything and anything he can get his hands on.…
RANDY: (panic, rushed) Where is it? Where is it?
NARRATOR (V.O.): In a desk drawer Randy finds a Cassette Player. He hits the eject button and out pops a tape. Side A is titled, Experimental Thanksgiving Music. Side B, titled…
RANDY: (mumble reading label) Mars Remote Viewing Test, 1984… Bingo.
NARRATOR (V.O.): It doesn’t matter what poison you choose to ignite your brain squiggles… Whether it be an album, a television show, drug or a conspiracy theory… if you stick with it long enough, there’s a good chance you’ll have to see it kill someone you love…
NARRATOR (V.O.): Two Flat Earthers Kidnap a Freemason. Episode Four, Thanksgiving Music.
INT. DOCTOR K’S WAKE - A FEW DAYS LATER
ED and GAYLE are at Doctor K’s Wake.
NARRATOR (V.O.): It's a few days later and The St. Louis Flat Earth Society has come to pay their respects to their fallen mentor, Doctor K…
ED: (reading pamphlet) In remembrance of Kevin Byrd, 1943-2022, “Endings are just beginnings in bad disguises.” That's sad. Is that a Mitch Albom quote?
GAYLE: No, that’s from one of Randy’s old poems.
ED: I think he might’ve stolen it from Mitch Albom.
GAYLE: I thought he stole it from Semisonic.
ED: Well, either way, you did a great job on these, Gayle.
GAYLE: Thank you, Ed. Check out the glamour shot on the back? I did some light touchup work on some of Doc’s old pictures.
ED: Oh yeah, I can definitely see it. Smooth… smooth.
GAYLE: Everyone deserves to go out looking their best.
ED: Well, he looks happy. (beat) And wrinkle free.
GAYLE: How are you holding up?
ED: I'm okay. It’s still pretty surreal. I don’t think it’s hit me yet. Well, that and I believe in the Quantum Theory of Reincarnation, so, really, Doc’s only passed in our little corner of the Multiverse, ya know?
GAYLE: That’s sweet, Ed. Naive to the true nature of our existence, but sweet.
ED: Where’s Randy?
GAYLE: He’s in the van.
ED: Not taking it well?
GAYLE: He got kicked out after he started shouting about body-doubles.
ED: I should probably go talk to him.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME PARKING LOT
ED: Hey, buddy… What's going on?
RANDY: What do you want?
ED: Just wanted to check on you. See how you were doing..
GAYLE: …and we wanted to bring you some snacks.
RANDY: (annoyed) Donut holes? Do they have any actual Donuts?
GAYLE: No. Just the Donut Holes.
RANDY: (still annoyed) Fine.
Randy takes a bite of a donut hole and almost immediately spits it back out.
RANDY: Ugh. Disgusting.
ED: You should come back inside.
GAYLE: We can stand way-way-waaay in the back.
RANDY: It’s whatever… Now that the Deep State got Doc I guess that officially makes me the only real one left.
ED: I’m still a real one.
GAYLE: Now Randy you know I’ve always been a real one.
RANDY: Yeah right. If y’all are a couple of real ones then why are we still here wasting our time with this?
ED: We’re trying to honor the memory of a really great human being who—-
RANDY: We aren’t doing shit. You’re in there trying to memorialize a chunk of fuckin’ rubber. And I’m out here jamming to some P-Funk and plotting my revenge
GAYLE: (even too much for her) Randy…
ED: (offended) Doc had a heart attack. Who are you planning to get revenge on… cholesterol?
RANDY: Come on, Ed. You don’t see what’s really going on here?
ED: No, Randy, I don’t. That was literally my first question… remember? When I first walked up, I asked, what’s going on because I didn’t know and I still don’t…. (beat) So… Randy… What is going on?
RANDY: (confident) Agents must’ve tracked down Doc.
ED: (mocking) Agents? So, you know this happened, but you don’t know who…
RANDY: CIA. FBI. NSA. The Jasons. The OOPS. You know the damn list.
ED: So what did they do?
RANDY: It’s just a theory, but it seems to be… whichever agent or agency took out Doc’s friend, Daniel Downripple is probably also the one to blame here.
ED: That’s… not… true.
RANDY: What?
ED: That’s not true and you know it.
RANDY: What I know is that right now ALL of our lives are at risk because (sinister paranoid whispering) I’m in possession of a tape that could change the entire history of the world.
ED: Can we stop with the bullshit for just one day?
RANDY: No, Ed. The bullshit never stops and you know that.
GAYLE: Listen, I think we’re all just a little hangry and saying things we don’t mean. There’s a CowPatties like two blocks away… what do you say we go grab some burgers and t-ravs in Doc’s honor.
ED: I’m supposed to do the eulogy in a half hour.
GAYLE: We’ll be back in time.
ED: No, thank you, Gayle, but I think I’m done with this… With all of this.
RANDY: (sarcastic) Oh, what would we ever do without you? Probably drop less cameras while we’re recording…
ED: You know what? You’re right, Randy. The truth is, I’ve had one foot out the door for a while now. (beat) I was there at the Applebees on Forest Park Avenue when this group was founded in 2018… so it breaks my heart to admit this, but I don’t know if I still believe the Earth is flat.
GAYLE: (gasp) You don’t mean that, right? Take it back. Take it back, Ed.
ED: And I always ask if we can blow stuff up and y’all never want to blow stuff up.
GAYLE: Hey, I went with you that one time…
ED: You’re right, Gayle. We did blow up that old bag of carrots… that’s true. And I appreciate that. But the larger point I’m trying to make still stands.
RANDY: And what point is that?
ED: (disappointed sigh) Take care, Gayle. And Randy, I hope one day you’ll be able to think about someone other than yourself.
RANDY: I just said I was trying to change the world! That means for everyone. Not just me. Were you even listening?
ED turns and walks away.
RANDY: (sarcastic, quiet to himself) Ed, wait… comeback… noooo…. (to GAYLE) You still wanna go get some T-Ravs?
GAYLE looks down. She’s still very upset with Randy.
GAYLE: (resigned) Yeah. We can do that.
INT / EXT. DRIVE-THRU PARKING LOT - NIGHT
The drive-thru line snakes through the parking lot and spills out onto the street.
RANDY: Ed, can bury his head in the sand if he wants to, but that doesn’t change our mission. And honestly I think he’s been dragging us down for months. Probably one reason why we’re not getting shit for views on our videos anymore.
GAYLE: What do you think went wrong?
RANDY: I don’t know. Probably something in his childhood. He’s always been a weird dude.
GAYLE: No, I mean… with our videos. With the whole Flat Truth channel. At first I thought we were really connecting with people, but now it feels like we’re just shouting into the void. Is that strange?
RANDY: No. I get it. And the most frustrating part of all of this is that we’re just trying to help people.
GAYLE: Right! It’s like -- hey dummies, we know the truth. We're just trying to tell you the truth.
RANDY: Unfortunately, there are just too many idiots out there who’ll believe anything you tell them. And once you get people believing in one thing you can get them believing in anything.
GAYLE: That’s so true.
RANDY: A long time ago some idiot convinced some other idiot that the earth is round and then that idiot told two more idiots and two more idiots and two more idiots and suddenly every idiot on earth believes the lie. No one cares about the truth. They just care about what a bunch of other idiots say.
The VAN inches forward, finally in front of the Drive-Thru Speaker.
GAYLE: So, what’s the plan? How do we get this unstoppable Flat Earth train back on track…
RANDY: It’s just like Doc said. We need to have a little face to face meeting with a Freemason. After we play them the tape and they know we know what they know… they’ll have to admit everything on the record.
GAYLE: But we don’t have the tape.
RANDY pulls the cassette tape from his pocket.
RANDY: Don’t we? I snagged when we…uh… yeah.. I snagged it.
GAYLE: Aww yeah! Now we just gotta find a Freemason who’ll be willing to talk. You think they take appointments?
GAYLE pulls out her phone and begins searching online.
GAYLE: (cont’d) Ooh. Looks like we can just email them and set up a tour if we want. (beat) What? You can just submit an application to be a Mason. What? I thought you had to kill a goat. Or like, kill two goats to get in.
RANDY: We’re not taking a tour. And we’re not applying to become Freemasons.
GAYLE: Then how are we going to do it?
RANDY: Oh, don’t worry. I’ll figure something—
DRIVE-THRU SPEAKER cuts on.
RANDY: Hold that thought.
DRIVE-THRU SPEAKER: (garbled mess) Welcome to CowPatties, how can I help you?
GAYLE: Don’t forget to ask for extra salt…
RANDY: I know. I know. (To speaker) Uh, yeah, I’ll take one of those Triple Decker Toasted Ravioli Burgers y’all got on the secret menu.
DRIVE-THRU SPEAKER: (sigh) Are we still doing this?
RANDY: You tell me.
INT. DUNNING-KRUGER HOME - BASEMENT to KITCHEN - LATER
Gayle is at home in her basement talking to her pet Iguana, Reptar.
GAYLE: (singing) Reptar, you are so beautiful. You are the Lizard King…
GAYLE: I wrote that song for you, Reptar. Well its not finished yet. I’m still working on it.
REPTAR says nothing. They just blink.
GAYLE: Aww. Thank you, Reptar. That’s sweet. (pause) You know what? You’ve been such a good boy you’re getting extra crickets for dinner tonight. Ooh, look at that… you need some water. Hold on, Sweetie, Momma’s gonna get you some fresh water.
GAYLE: (singing) Reptar, you are so beautiful. You are the Lizard King…
Gayle exits BASEMENT upstairs to KITCHEN where she finds Randy sitting at the KITCHEN TABLE with piles of documents, folders and pictures spread out in front of him.
GAYLE: What’s all this?
RANDY: This… Gayle… is everything.
GAYLE: Okay… but like… everything of what. (Excited thought) Oh, are you gonna start writing “Suck Me, Dracula” again?
RANDY: No. Never. This is way more important than the uncensored sex life of a Billionaire Playboy Vampire. Please sit…Recognize this guy?
GAYLE: Is he from Chopped?
RANDY: No, this is Walter Clay. Head of Human Resources at Clarke Communications and also… the bastard responsible for my wrongful termination.
GAYLE: What? When did you get fired? You didn't tell me.
RANDY: Can’t you see I’ve been a little busy… gathering info on our target?
RANDY gestures to the piles of folders and documents on the table.
GAYLE: Excuse me. Our target? Are you serious? He’s a (excited whisper) Freemason?
RANDY: Yeah.
GAYLE: What!? Look at my face. I’m freaking out right now.
RANDY: And check this out. With the magic of the internet I know that in a few days “Walter Clay” is scheduled to have a Reading slash Book Signing event at Smallwood Books.
GAYLE: (excited) Ooh, are we gonna get in this guy’s face like we did with that Astronaut-Jerk.
RANDY: It wasn’t just any Astronaut-Jerk, it was Alfred Ross. And that was our second most popular video of all-time.
CUT TO: INT. SANDWICH SHOP - FLASHBACK
Legendary Astronaut, ALFRED ROSS is ordering a sandwich at a Deli when Randy, Gayle and ED rush in.
RANDY: (on video) (to audience) Today on the Flat Truth we’re going straight to the source. We’ve been tailgating this asshole [graphic wipe sfx] Astronaut Alfred Ross for the past two weeks. And just walked right into our trap… That Subway Sandwich Shop right there. Come on… let’s go find out the truth.
ALFRED ROSS: (ordering) Let me get a footlong Flat Bread cold cut combo American Cheese, Onions, Spinach, secret astronaut sauce, a little bit of honey mustard, a whole lotta banana peppers…
SANDWICH ARTIST: Do you want it toasted?
RANDY: If Alfred Ross is who he claims to be… then maybe he’ll be able to answer this…
SANDWICH ARTIST: Hey, you’re not supposed to film in here.
GAYLE: This is a free country.
SANDWICH ARTIST: This is a Subway.
GAYLE: You’re a cog in the capitalist machine.
SANDWICH ARTIST: Ma’am I’m a sandwich artist and while you’re in this Subway you’re going to respect my title.
RANDY: Why is the Curvature of Earth not visible from space?
RANDY shoves his microphone in ALFRED ROSS’S face.
ALFRED ROSS: Excuse me? What’s going on…
RANDY: Or maybe I should ask you about Debus or Benzinger. Or Bernhard Tessman. Or Dr. Hubertus Strughold. Any of those names sound familiar? Maybe you’ve got a Paperclip I can borrow?
ALFRED ROSS: (on video) Are you filming this? Get the fuck out of my face.
RANDY: Tell your Nazi bosses as NASA that they better watch their backs.
ALFRED ROSS: What did you just say?
RANDY: I said tell your Naz—
Alfred Ross cuts off Randy’s words with a square punch to the jaw. Randy hits the ground like a sack of potatoes.
GAYLE slaps RANDY in the face.
GAYLE: Wake up, Randy!
ED turns the camera to himself.
ED: Not to be alarmist or anything, but I’m pretty sure Alfred Ross just killed my best friend.
ALFRED ROSS: He ain’t dead. And he ain’t knocked out, either. Son of a bitch is fake sleeping. (Beat) Look at his eyes. He’s peeking.
CUT BACK TO: The DUNNING-KRUGER kitchen.
GAYLE: So how do you plan on getting this Walter guy to punch you in the face?
RANDY: What? No. He’s not gonna punch me in the face.
GAYLE: Well, that’s why the video was so popular, right? Because the old guy knocked you out.
RANDY: He didn’t knock me out. He knocked me down. There’s a difference. And the internet loved that video because I totally owned that fake NASA dickhead. He didn’t have an answer for any of the stuff I was throwing at him.
GAYLE: Yeah, totally… I mean… except for the punch.
RANDY: (offended) Okay… so do you like… not think I’d be able to kick his old Astronaut ass if I wanted to? Because I can.
GAYLE: (bad liar) oh, no Babe, you’d totally beat him up.
RANDY: There probably aren’t too many astronauts whose asses I can’t kick.
GAYLE: I know.
RANDY: Get ready Walter Clay. The Flat Truth is coming for you.
INT./EXT. RANDY’S VAN
Randy and Gayle are spying on Walt as he goes about his daily life. Randy watches with BINOCULARS, keeping a log of Walt’s daily movements. Presented as a SERIES OF CLIPS.
RANDY: 6:50AM - Subject Walter Clay has left his home via shitty green Toyota Corolla.
RANDY: 7:52AM - Subject Walter Clay has arrived at the shit-hole known as the Clarke Communications building.
RANDY: 5:30PM - Subject Walter Clay is leaving the Clarke Communications building.
RANDY: 6:14PM - There’s the Arch.
RANDY: 6:50PM - Subject Walter Clay returned home.
RANDY: 1:11PM - Subject Walter Clay is still at home. No sign of internal movement. No visitors. Shitty green Toyota Corolla still sits in the driveway.
RANDY: 5:37PM - Subject Walter Clay is on the move. Here we go. It’s showtime people.
RANDY: Gayle, wake up.
Randy puts the van in gear, gives Walt a little bit of space. And then continues his slow chase.
RANDY: 5:55PM - Subject Walter Clay has pulled into the CowPatties Drive-thru.
RANDY: 6:02PM - Subject Walter Clay is leaving the Cowpatties Drive-thru and headed back North on Belmonte Street.
RANDY: 6:17PM - There’s the Arch.
GAYLE: (off mic) There’s the Arch.
RANDY: 6:23PM - Subject Walter Clay returned home..
RANDY: 9:11AM - Subject brings trash to trash can. (To Gayle O.M.) Gayle, once he’s back inside, go grab that bag of trash.
GAYLE: No.
RANDY: Come on, please. For me. For the Flat Earth.
GAYLE: Okay.
RANDY: 10:31AM -Subject’s trash has been retrieved and a thorough analysis of its contents is well underway…
Gayle sits in the passenger seat tearing through the bag of trash she pulled from Walt’s garbage can.
GAYLE: It’s just a bunch of trash…
RANDY: 6:21PM - There’s the Arch.
GAYLE: (off mic) There’s the Arch.
RANDY: 6:45PM - Subject Walter Clay has pulled into the parking lot of Smallwood Books. Subject is scheduled as a quote unquote Author who has a book signing and reading at this location starting at 7pm and lasting until 8pm. For now, the Subject remains sitting in his vehicle.
Sounds | From inside the cab we hear the buzz of a cellphone and a short repetitive ringtone.
GAYLE: Sorry-Sorry-Sorry.
RANDY: Shutup-Shutup-Shut up-Shh-Shh-Shh.
GAYLE answers the call.
GAYLE: (to Randy) It’s Karen.
GAYLE: (on phone) What do you want?
KAREN: (on phone) Just admit it.
GAYLE: (on phone) Never.
GAYLE hangs up.
GAYLE: (to Randy) Fuckin’ Karen.
RANDY: (in agreement) Fuckin’ Karen. What did she want?
GAYLE: Just her typical ‘admit to the existence of the firmament’ crap.
Now Randy’s phone RINGS.
RANDY: Ugh, now she’s calling me.
GAYLE: Put her on speakerphone.
Randy answers the call. BOOP.
RANDY: The fuck do you want, Karen?
KAREN: (on phone) You see how many views my new video is getting?
GAYLE: Just so you know two hundred thousand isn’t that impressive.
KAREN: (on phone) How impressive is One Million views?
RANDY: Yeah right, Karen. You think we won’t look it up?
KAREN: (on phone) See for yourself. I just dropped the new one today.
RANDY: I can tell when views have been paid for and these are fake… one hundred percent bought-and-paid-for bots… Enjoy all your hollow views, Karen. I prefer my videos to be watched by people. Real people. Real views.
KAREN: (on phone) Just not that many of them, right?
RANDY: Are you kidding me? We’re dealing with a serious Shadowban issue right now. It’s not an even playing field.
KAREN: (on phone) Whatever. I just wanted to make sure you didn’t miss my ascension to mainstream fame. Later, Losers.
Call disconnects. Gayle pulls up Karen’s VIDEO.
INSERT YOUTUBE CLIP - KAREN’S NEW VIDEO We hear the audio from an Expose style video.
KAREN: (on video) Today, I’d like to shine my light on a very serious subject… the Golden Arches Ice Cream Fraud. My team and I traveled to thirteen different McFronalds locations around the St. Louis area… visiting each at different times of day… both going inside… and staying in the drive-thru…. It didn’t matter if it was at the North Broadway location at Twelve Forty-Five PM. Or Forty-Fifth St location at Three AM… (beat) If we ordered ice cream it was…
KAREN: Can I get a Vanilla Soft-Serve Cone?
WORKER: Oh, I’m sorry. The Ice Cream Machine is being cleaned at the moment.
RANDY: Don’t give her an extra play!
GAYLE: I wanted to see what it was about.
INT./EXT. WALT’S CAR
WALT is listening to a self-help tape, completely unaware that two weirdos in a VAN have been following him for days.
MAXIMUM MINDFULNESS NARRATOR: Maximum Mindfulness is only achieved when one becomes fully in tune with the world around them. We start by focusing on the present moment. How are you feeling? Not just inside, but out. Be aware of your surroundings. Is your tummy grumbly? Is your skin itchy? What’s that smell? That smell is you. Live in the moment. Don’t miss out on your life. Repeat after me.
WALT: Live in the moment. Don’t miss out on your life. Live in the moment. Don’t miss out on your life. Repeat after me.
MAXIMUM MINDFULNESS NARRATOR: Live in the moment. Don’t miss out on your life. Live in the moment. Don’t miss out on your life. Live in the moment. Don’t miss out on your life.
WALT: (repeats in a dreamy state) Live in the moment. Don’t miss out on your life. Live in the moment. Don’t miss out on your life. Live in the moment. Don’t miss out on your life.
MAXIMUM MINDFULNESS NARRATOR: You’re listening to Maximum Mindfulness, the Audiobook. This is the end of side one.
WALT: (repeats in a dreamy state) You’re listening to Maximum Mindfulness, the Audiobook. This is the end of side one.
The Maximum Mindfulness CD stops, causing Walt to shake out of his daydream. He angles the rearview mirror down so he’s able to speak to his reflection.
WALT: (talking to self) Live in the moment. Don’t miss out on your life. You can’t fix everything all at once. Save tomorrow’s problems for tomorrow. Live in the moment. Don’t miss out on your life. Live in the moment. Don’t miss out on your life.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Another Walter Clay Professional Author Reading slash Book Signing brought to you by Smallwood Books. Another sea of empty chairs. Walt’s first author reading was an incredible experience. People showed up. They listened to him. They really listened to him. Or at least they pretended to listen to him. They all told him they’d definitely read the book sometime. When they got the chance. When they got around to it. (pause)…sometime. Walt runs his fingertips along the spines of his novel. He expected to feel different in moments like these… but in truth, Walter feels just as hollow and unfinished as he did before he wrote it. Before he could call himself an Author.
EXT. SMALLWOOD BOOKS PARKING LOT - NIGHT WALT crosses the empty parking lot carrying a stack of his books when suddenly Gayle jogs up to him. She’s full of faux Superfan energy.
GAYLE: There he is. There he is. There he is.
WALT: What? Are you talking to me?
GAYLE: Are you freakin’ kidding me? Who else would I be talking about?
WALT: Uhh…
GAYLE: Any chance I might be able to get a selfie with the writer of my favorite book, The Minotaur.
WALT: You mean The Centaur?
GAYLE: Yeah. That one. That’s the one.
WALT: So, a selfie is it? You’d like a selfie with me?
GAYLE: Hashtag SupportIndieAuthors, right?
WALT: Hashtag SupportIndieAuthors indeed. Yes... let us do a selfie.
GAYLE pulls out a selfie stick and the pair stand back to back while she snaps a picture.
WALT: How do we look?
A camera shutter snap of the picture being taken. They look great.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Walt smiles into the phone screen as digital cat ears and whiskers appear on his face.
GAYLE: Okay, just one more.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Walt forces another smile. However, the smile quickly fades when Walt notices the digital cat ears and whiskers pop up on the face of the person sneaking up behind him.
We hear a PHYSICAL STRUGGLE between Randy and Walt as Randy smothers WALT with an Ether soaked rag.
WALT: What the— mff whhh thhffffkkkkkk urrrrrr….
GAYLE: I’m really sorry about this.
RANDY: I’m not. Grab his legs.
We hear the DING of the Fuel Gauge. NOW INSIDE THE CAR
RANDY: (to himself) No, not now goddammit.
GAYLE: I told you to get gas earlier.
RANDY: And I told you that 7-Eleven and I have a history.
EXT. GAS STATION
The VAN crawls to a stop at the gas station. Randy attempts to exit the vehicle without waking Walt up. The VAN DOOR slides open and Walt stirs a little in his sleep.
RANDY: (whispering) No, no, no, go back to sleep, go back to sleep.
RANDY: (to Gayle) Watch him. If he starts to wake up, hit him with the ether.
GAYLE: Just hurry up.
INT. CONVENIENT STORE
RANDY enters the convenient store with a DING. It’s late. It’s just him and the Store Clerk, LARRY. Larry doesn’t give a fuck what you think about him. He’s just here for the paycheck.
LARRY: Hey, That pump giving you any trouble?
RANDY: Just the prices on it.
LARRY: I hear ya.
RANDY goes to the soda fountain machine and starts to fill a cup with soda without putting any ice in it. This upsets Larry.
LARRY: (annoyed) You’re gonna need to put some ice in that.
RANDY: What?
LARRY: You heard me.
RANDY: I didn’t hear shit.
LARRY: Alright, Buddy. Have it your way.
LARRY flashes Randy his SWORD. We hear a sword sliding out of its Sheath.
RANDY: Damn dude put your sword away. Jesus fucking christ... I’ll put ice in it.
RANDY pushes the cup to the ice dispenser and ice tumbles out, but only one or two cubes.
LARRY: More. An honest amount of ice.
RANDY: How much is an honest amount of ice?
LARRY: You’ll know. (beat) You’ll know…
RANDY pushes the cup to the ice dispenser and ice floods into the cup causing it to OVERFLOW.
RANDY: Look at what you made me do.
LARRY: That’s on you.
RANDY: Literally.
They both LAUGH.
RANDY: Nice sword. Is it real?
LARRY: Real enough to take out four shoplifters, two Bears and a wild Bunnicula who found themself in the wrong backyard.
RANDY: That how you got that scar?
LARRY: From the Bunnicula? Yes. (beat) By the way, the sixty-four ounce soda comes with a buy-two-get-one-free candy bar deal.
Randy retreats to explore the candy aisle.
RANDY: What if I buy four candy bars? Do I get two free?
LARRY: Yeah, we can do that.
RANDY: How about twelve?
LARRY: No, it’s a limit of two free candy bars per purchase. No purchase of any other item necessary.
RANDY: So I didn’t even have to get the soda to get this deal?
LARRY: Technically, no.
RANDY: I’m going to need to split this into multiple purchases…
While scanning the items, LARRY notices the EARTH SYMBOLS on Randy’s SHIRT.
LARRY: (sarcastic) Nice shirt… you one of those environmentalists or something? That why you didn’t want to put ice in your drink? Trying to save the planet one Big Gulp Soda at a time?
RANDY: No, that’s not what this means at all. This, my friend, says St. Louis Flat Earth Society. We’re not an environmentalist group. We’re a group of free-thinking physicists determined to put an end to the Heliocentric Myth. We don’t care about saving the Earth. We just want people to understand that the Earth we live on is a flat infinite plane and not a ball spinning through Space.
LARRY takes a moment to process it. He agrees.
LARRY: Now see, that makes sense. I’ve got so many whackos coming in here wearing shirts with all kinds of slogans. Hard to keep track of all this nonsense. I don’t even know if it’s okay to like Dolphins anymore.
RANDY: I hear ya. And no, it’s not okay. Dolphins are hella problematic. (beat) You wanna ring me up so I can get the fuck outta here or what?
LARRY: Right. Right. Right.
RANDY: Don’t scan the candy bars. That shit causes cancer.
NARRATOR (V.O.): So here we are. It finally happened. The Flat Earthers, Randy Dunning and Gayle Kruger have kidnapped the Freemason Walter Clay and now the real story can get underway. If I know anything there should be some heightening of the drama, some raising of the stakes, and some fun and games. Possibly ending in a later resolution. Who knows? You’ll have to keep coming back and listening if you want to find out. If you stop listening now you’re just going to be that person who stopped listening after four episodes. Just finish it out, Mate. You’ve come this far. You’ve got this… Hang in there.
