NARRATOR (V.O.): The Flat Truth, Randy and Gayle's Youtube Channel, has, in its short time of existence, published one hundred and eleven videos. Obviously, we don’t have time to play all of them for you now, but here’s a short compilation of sorts which should bring you up to speed.
SERIES OF CLIPS
RANDY: The United States Air Force uses a giant Harp to control the weather. Artificial high frequency electromagnetic waves created Hurricane Sandy! Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar because…
GAYLE: No one has been back to the Moon since 1972? Why? What are they waiting for? The technology to be able to go there in the first place… that’s what they’re waiting for.
RANDY: Now. Then. Now. Then. Look at the Ears. Do you see it? Look at the Ears. Either Governor Fleming had a pair of brand new ears installed or that’s not the real Gardner Fleming.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Somewhere around episode sixty, Randy and Gayle discovered that many Vloggers will purposely mispronounce words in their videos so that commenters will feel the need to post a comment correcting them. Those comments feed the algorithm and give the Vlogger’s Channel more activity, engagement and ultimately, the sweet stuff, more automated recommendations.
RANDY: (mispronounce Hologram) The Moon is a hologram and the stars are… (beat) …also fake. Possibly just a series of smaller holograms.
GAYLE: Control of these corporations needs to be handed over to the working class… Who’s with me!? Come on, People. It’s the only way we’re going to be able to put an end to the Socialist Agenda.
RANDY: We’re part of an international movement to take down Globalism.
GAYLE: I’m not just saying this as some Destiny’s Child superfan. I know that wasn’t Beyonce. I have sources, I have evidence and I’m about Nineteen-Eighty-Four percent sure that’s a new Queen Bee.
GAYLE: …we’ve got intercepting shadows. Multiple light sources. Copypasta Clouds all over the place. This is Amateur Hour. I’ve got better photoshop skills than whoever’s in charge at NASA.
RANDY: The United Nations Logo is a freaking map of the Flat Earth Map. And they divided it up into what… Thirty-three Sections. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7—8… thirty-three. Just trust me. There’s thirty-three of ‘em. Thirty-three, the Freemasons favorite number. Don’t overthink this stuff. Trust your eyes. Trust your heart. Trust your mind. And trust me. Trust Randy. Trust, The Flat Truth.
GAYLE: (off camera) And Gayle, too.
RANDY: And trust Gayle too…
NARRATOR (V.O.): Two Flat Earthers Kidnap a Freemason, Episode Two, Toasted Ravioli.
MUSIC | OPENING THEME SONG
NARRATOR (V.O.): Today, Randy, Gayle and even Spaghetti Eddie himself are in downtown St. Louis hoping to capture more premium content for their Flat Earth Channel. The sun is out. The birds are chirping. Everyone is generally just giving about as much of a fuck as you’d expect. Which is to say, none.
EXT. DOWNTOWN ST. LOUIS - DAYTIME
RANDY is the Frontman. ED is behind the camera filming. GAYLE is standing off to the side holding a bowling ball.
RANDY: Dammit Ed, you gotta hold it horizontal. (beat) Acting like you don’t know how this shit works. And be sure to get some b-roll of the Arch.
ED: Oh… Okay. It’s a flip phone.
RANDY: It’s not a flip-phone
ED: We’re recording in 3-2- no, wait, it’s already recording.
RANDY: (to camera) Hey, y’all it's your boy Rando back again with another episode of The Flat Truth. Who's ready to watch as I change the world… one pathetic sheep at a time?
TRANSITION SOUND | SHEEP mixed with WOOSH
RANDY: Now according to nine out of ten indoctrinated scientists, the earth is round. Like a sphere, or an orange or a... Bowling Ball.
GAYLE enters from ‘off-screen’ holding a bowling ball.
GAYLE: You mean like this Bowling Ball?
RANDY: Exactly. You wanna build your house on this thing? No thanks!
GAYLE: (sarcastic) But science says…
RANDY: I don’t know about you folks, but I for one am tired of all the scientism. (fake laugh) You see once upon a time I was you. Sitting there in my underoos watching Beakman’s World and believing everything that wacky rat had to tell me… But now I'm you from the future, talking to you through a video on the internet, and I've come back from the future to tell you that everything you've taught in schools, everything everyone has ever told you and everything you believe in… is a lie. The Earth is not round. The Earth is not curved. The. Earth. Is. Flat. Don’t believe me? Then good because I’m here to prove it to you. Now with the help of my lovely assistance Gayle..
GAYLE: Wife.
RANDY: My wife and assistant, Gayle.
ED: And your camera man, Ed.
RANDY: (frustrated) And now with the help of my wife and lovely assistant Gayle and my cameraman, Ed, I would like to perform a simple experiment for you that will demonstrate the true nature of our world. Are you ready, Gayle?
GAYLE: Woo! I’m ready!
RANDY: Gayle’s ready. (laugh, then quickly turn into overly serious) Now how about you at home… are you ready? Because when Gayle sets this bowling ball down on this flat ground and it fails to roll… this shall prove, once and for all, that the Earth is Flat and not curved. Are you still with me?
A few PASSERBYS walking past the shot find this hilarious. We hear a few disembodied LAUGHS in the background.
PASSERBYS: (laugh) Did he just say the Earth is Flat?
RANDY: Not a joke. Yeah, keep walking. God Damn Chuckle-Fucks.
GAYLE: This is some pretty interesting stuff, people! You should check it out! When you get home, search 200 Proofs on Youtube. You’re welcome!
RANDY: Alright… we’ll cut all that out. So, starting where we left off… (mumble leading up to)… that the Earth is Flat Not Curved! (beat) Here… goes… nothing…
NARRATOR (V.O.): Gayle sets the bowling ball down and it immediately rolls away.
RANDY: Nope. Nope. Nope. Wait people. Wait. We gotta reset. The… uh… the ball rolled off Gayle’s fingertips a little when she set it down. This is an important experiment, Gayle, please be more careful.
GAYLE: I’m nervous. You know my hands get all sweaty and shaky when I’m nervous. Freakin’ Hyperhidrosis.
RANDY: Then wipe your hands on your pants.
GAYLE: These aren’t my absorbent pants. Can I use your pants?
RANDY: Hurry up.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Randy kicks his leg up onto Gayle’s shoulder with surprising flexibility and.… sexuality… He’s putting off Mad Jean Claude Van Damme vibes… at least in Gayle’s eyes.
GAYLE: Ooh, hey there, Karate Man. You wanna give me a couple high kicks.
RANDY: Babe—
GAYLE: Sorry. Here. Can you hold this while I— ?
Gayle hands Randy the BOWLING BALL, then wipes her hands on his pants.
GAYLE: Oh, that feels so much better. Got my grip back, baby.
TRANSITION SOUND | SHEEP mixed with WOOSH
RANDY: Now when Gayle sets this Bowling Ball down on the flat and level ground and the ball doesn’t roll… not even a little bit… This should prove to some degree of certainty that the Earth is Flat. Let’s freaking do it, people!
NARRATOR (V.O.): Gayle steadies the Bowling Ball in her hands and carefully places it on the ground… and… for a moment it stays just perfectly still… and then The Ball of Truth begins to roll away… even faster this time.
TRANSITION SOUND | SHEEP mixed with WOOSH
Ed and Gayle have switched places. Now Gayle is behind the Camera while Ed struggles to hold a FISHTANK full of water.
RANDY: What Ed here is holding is just a standard regulation fishtank filled with backyard hose water, correct?
SOUNDS | Water Sloshing around in the Fish Tank
ED: (struggling under the weight of the tank) That’s absolutely one hundred percent correct.
RANDY: According to “the internet” the earth is round. We’ve all heard that lie before haven’t we? If that’s true then why are the oceans flat? Our lakes are flat. Our swimming pools are flat. Even the water in our fishtanks is flat. And why is that? Because gravity— because gravit— Cut. Goddammit. Ed you need to hold the fishtank steady or they’re not gonna see that the water’s flat. You’ve got it sloshing around and shit.
NARRATOR (V.O): Suddenly, a stranger approaches our group of Flat-Earthers. He’s smiling and looks a bit like a young Tom Selleck, but there’s something off about his sunglass mustache combo… This is MIKE. (20s-30s)
MIKE: Hey.. you guys filming a commercial or something?
RANDY: Does this look like a commercial?
MIKE: I don’t know… maybe. Like an Ad for a fishtank or something… Or— (sudden excited realization) Wow. Wow..
RANDY: What?
MIKE: (excited) You’re that guy! The guy from the internet! Randy the Rando. The Flat Truther or whatever. That’s you, right?
RANDY: Yep. That’s me. Randy the Rando. I take it you’re a subscriber.
MIKE: You know it. Just a big fan of your work, Mr. Dunning. The name’s Mike. Mike Smith.
RANDY: Randy Dunning, CEO and star of the internationally renowned YouTube Channel, The Flat Truth. But you already knew that.
MIKE: Yep, I sure did. I sure did.
GAYLE: I’m Gayle! Gayle Kruger. (sarcastic) You might’ve heard of me. I’m the Art Director at NASA. (laughs) Just kidding.
MIKE: (laughs) I got it. (laughs) Good one. Good one. So you’re the jerk in charge of Copying and Pasting the clouds?
They all LAUGH. Ed sets down the FISHTANK and extends a hand.
ED: Ed Choom. They call me click-click-Choom because I’m in charge of explosives.
RANDY: We don’t have any explosives.
ED: You bet your ass we’ve got explosives.
MIKE: Cool. Cool. Really cool.
ED: Do you like to blow shit up?
MIKE: No. Not especially… unless I have to, I guess….
ED: I can respect that.
MIKE: Ya know… this is just such a coincidence… because I was just walking by on my way to The Burger Tube for lunch and I saw you folks out here… I heard your message and I just knew… those are my people. They get it. (Laughs) They freakin’ get it, man. I spend all day long surrounded by a bunch of freaking Globeheads.
ED: (laugh) Globeheads! This guy is the best.
GAYLE: Big ol’ Globeheads. (laugh)
MIKE: Hey, if it isn't too much of an intrusion, would I be able to join you folks in your fight for truth and freedom?
RANDY: Listen, Buddy… We’ve already got a cameraman, a star and our supporting cast.
ED: I could use some help holding up the fishtank.
MIKE: What if I stood behind you with a sign?
RANDY: Maybe, but I mean… we don’t have any signs, so how’s that gonna work?
NARRATOR (V.O.): Mike slings a backpack off his shoulder. Inside are several folded up pieces of poster-board.
MIKE: No worries. I always have a few Truth Signs on me in case I come across a couple of like-minded level-headed folks like yourselves. So… what do you think… “Check Your Globe Faith” or “NASA Lies”? Or I could do one that just says “This” with an arrow pointing down. I’ll hold it up over my head and have it pointing down at you, like, ‘yeah what they said..’
ED: Classic.
GAYLE: Can’t go wrong with “Nasa Lies.”
MIKE: You would choose that one. (Laughs) Nasa Lies it is. Where do you want me?
TRANSITION SOUND | SHEEP mixed with WOOSH
RANDY: (to camera) As you can tell, Ed is holding what appears to be a standard regulation fishtank.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Suddenly, an elderly looking woman who had been sitting on a nearby park bench throws off her hat to reveal that she wasn’t an elderly woman at all, but in fact, Randy’s arch nemesis… Karen.
RANDY: Shit.
GAYLE and ED: (unison) It’s Karen!
RANDY: Fuck off, Dome-r. This is our turf!
KAREN: Everything under the firmament is my turf!
GAYLE: There’s a GoPro strapped to her forehead! She’s recording… She’s recording!
KAREN: Prepare to be canceled losers! There’s no way you’ll be able to walk this one back.
RANDY: Nice try. It’s an empty fishtank, Karen. No dead fish. No canceled.
Mike lets out an evil laugh from behind the group.
GAYLE: Umm.. Randy.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Randy turns to see that instead of proclaiming that “NASA-LIES” the protest sign above Mike’s head states, “Free Pooping Society”
RANDY: (surprised, deadpan) You son-of-a-bitch.
KAREN: Looks like your reputation is in the toilet…
MIKE: (chanting) Let People Poop in Public. Let People Poop in Public. (X3)
RANDY: I knew you were behind this.
KAREN: No, you didn’t!
RANDY: Yes, I did.
MIKE: (chanting) Let the People Poop in Public. (X3)
RANDY: Gayle start singing. She’ll get a copyright strike if she tries to post the footage.
GAYLE: Uh… uh… I don’t know what to sing.
GAYLE freezes under pressure, but ED jumps in.
ED (singing): There is a house in New Orleans. They call the Rising Sun.
Once ED gets going, GAYLE joins in and sorta mumbles through the lyrics…
ED/GAYLE: (singing) It’s been the ruin of many poor boy. And God, I know I’m one…
KAREN: That’s a public domain song, idiots. When this baby gets uploaded to the net, The Flat Truth is gonna be freaking canceled.
MIKE: I had you guys so fooled. How’s that for blowing shit up? Boom. (laugh)
Mike drops the sign, rips off the fake mustache. Then Mike and Karen run off together.
RANDY: You better watch your back, Mike Smith! I’m coming for you!
ED: I can’t believe I thought he was cool.
A BEEPER attached to GAYLE’s hip goes off. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP…
GAYLE: Ooh, my beeper. It’s from Doc.
RANDY: About time. Did the old man say why he ghosted us today?
GAYLE: No, I mean… it's just a beeper. It’s all sixes.
RANDY & ED: (dramatic gasp)
GAYLE: No, wait. My bad. I had it upside down. It’s all nines.
RANDY & ED: (dramatic gasp) The Flat Signal.
GAYLE: It must be an emergency.
RANDY: Let’s move people!
ED: Should I just dump out the water in this aquarium or…
RANDY: Just leave it.
ED: The whole thing?
RANDY: (sarcastic) No, just bring back the water. Yes, the whole thing.
Sounds | BEEP-BEEP-BEEP
GAYLE: Wait! I’m getting another message!
RANDY: What? What’s it say?
GAYLE: It’s all Eights.
ED: He wants us to bring some T-Ravs.
RANDY: What the fuck old man, is it an emergency or not?
INT / EXT. DRIVE THRU PARKING LOT - NIGHT
The place is packed. The drive thru line snakes through the parking lot and spilling out onto the street. RANDY, GAYLE, and ED are in RANDY’S VAN slowly making their way through the fast food drive-thru line.
INSERT VIDEO:
MIKE: (chanting) (on video) Let the People Poop in Public. (x3)
KAREN (V.O.): I’m not here to cancel anyone. I’m just sharing this information so any of my followers who might still be subscribed to The Flat Truth’s Channel, can see for themselves what kind of people they’re supporting…
Video pauses. Back to the VAN.
GAYLE: Karen’s trying to get us canceled. We need to get a response video out right now explaining that we have never and would never poop in public.
RANDY: No. As soon as you deny anything people will immediately start thinking you did it.
Long BEAT of silence.
ED: Did either of you hear the news about the bottom of the ocean?
GAYLE: Aliens?
ED: I wish…. That’d be sweet. (Not quite sure he’s remembering it correctly) No, I read or… I saw a video about… how they like the Ocean Floors don’t really exist. How the whole ocean floor bit was just made up by James Cameron in the 80s to sell more Toys. Or, I don’t know… I might be mixing a few things up.
RANDY: (eyeroll) Bull-fucking-shit.
ED: Just think about it, Randy. Have you ever been to the bottom of the ocean?
RANDY: I am thinking about it, Ed. All I see is a bunch of water falling out into space.
ED: Anyway, I thought that was pretty interesting…
The VAN inches forward and the trio sit in an awkward silence for a beat.
RANDY: Fuck Karen and her Firmament Domed Earth Bullshit… like “oooh… I’m so special, look at my thousands of views and likes and fans and Patreon subscribers…“
GAYLE: She’s like… not even that pretty. So whatever.
RANDY: If we’re gonna catch up we’re going to need to do something big. We need a certified banger of a Flat Earth Video.
GAYLE: What if one of us spins a ball on their fingertips while the other one pours water on it? Like, hey indoctrinated sheep, if Gravity’s real shouldn’t the water be sticking to the ball?
RANDY: We’re not doing that. Don’t worry. I’ll think of something.
GAYLE: Just know… whatever you decide... I'm down and I’ll always be down. (sarcastic) …unlike the bottom to the Ocean.
RANDY: (mocking ED) There’s no bottom to the Ocean.
GAYLE: How would that even work?
GAYLE and RANDY laugh about how ridiculous that sounds.
RANDY: Some people are just too stupid to realize how dumb they sound…
ED: Guys, I’m sitting right here.
The van pulls up to the Drive Thru Menu.
DRIVE-THRU SPEAKER: (garbled mess) Welcome to CowPatties, how can I help you?
RANDY: (checking out the Menu) Uh, yeah… (beat) hold on a sec…
GAYLE: Don’t forget to ask for extra salt. They never put enough Salt on it.
RANDY: I know… (beat) Do y’all still have that Triple Decker Toasted Ravioli Burger on the Secret Menu?
DRIVE-THRU SPEAKER: Triple Decker Toasted Ravioli Burgers don’t exist, Randy. Neither does a Secret Menu. We’ve been over this…
RANDY: That’s not what I heard.
DRIVE-THRU SPEAKER: What would I have to gain by denying you a Triple Decker Toasted Ravioli Burger?
RANDY: That’s okay. I’ll catch one of y’all slippin’ one day… (beat) So, for reals let me get a…
INT. THE FLAT CAVE - LATER Welcome to The Flat Cave, the secret meeting place of the St. Louis Flat Earth Society. Randy, Gayle, and Ed are joined by their leader and mentor, DOCTOR K.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Doctor K is a self-described Free Thinking Scientist. His passion to find the truth is only matched by his love for his country.
DOCTOR K: Thank you all for rushing over right away.
ED: No worries, Doc.
RANDY: Totally ruined today’s shoot, but that’s fine I guess.
GAYLE: Ack! Are anyone else’s hands getting really sweaty and shaky?
DOCTOR K: I didn’t message you all nines for no reason. I have some very important and very exciting information to share. But first, before I dive into it, I just want to remind everyone that the GoFundMe for my fifteen year old puppy Jacoby will be open for another few weeks. Every bit helps. Even something as little as five dollars would mean the difference between my little Jacoby living, dying or possibly chasing his dream of Professional Dog Dancing. (beat) And the website tells me the names of who all donated so I’ll know exactly which one of you believes Jacoby’s life is worth five dollars. (beat) Again… every bit helps. Now I’m sure you’re all curious as to why I’ve called you here.
RANDY: Yeah, Doc, we were kinda in the middle of something…
DOCTOR K: I assure you, Randrew. There’s no place in the world you’d rather be.
GAYLE: So what is it, Doc? What’s going on?
DOCTOR K: Well, this all started when…
NARRATOR (V.O.): For the next twenty minutes Doctor K proceeds to talk about things that have little to no bearing on the story or really anything. But here’s where it starts to come together again….
DOCTOR K: … and when I returned from the Urologist I found this envelope waiting for me in my mailbox. The return address listed one, Daniel Downripple. That name may not mean much to you, but he was a former colleague of mine and let me tell you, when we were younger we used… really get into it. There was this one time….
RANDY: Oh my God will you stop trailing off?
DOCTOR K: Right. Time is of the essence. Well, long story short. I am now in possession of a classified recording that, if made public, would drastically alter the known history of every living thing on Earth.
RANDY: (perks up) Wait, What?
DOCTOR K: Apparently, Downripple was aware of the fact that the Deep State might eventually catch up to him, so he set up an auto-trigger… If anything were to happen to him, a series of envelopes would be sent to some of his closest confidants and colleagues… I of which, happened to be one.
ED: So, what was in the envelope?
INT. FLAT CAVE - A FEW MOMENTS LATER Everyone is gathered around a stereo listening to Doctor K’s tape.
SOUNDS | CASSETTE TAPE CLICK. We focus our Audio on the tape.
HANDLER: (into tape recorder) The following events occurred on May 22nd 1984 in a secret government facility as part of the United States government’s inquiry into the real life application of paranormal abilities. Today’s subject was being tested for their abilities in the field of Remote Viewing. Remote Viewing is the practice of seeking visions or impressions about a distant, unseen target using extrasensory perception or “sensing with the mind.” A sealed envelope was given to the Subject immediately prior to the start of the interview. The envelope remained sealed throughout the session. The envelope contained a 3x5 card with information about the intended target... Ancient Mars. Coordinates of Interest have been provided by the parties requesting the information.
Sounds | CLICK from NARRATOR to LIVE Recording of this REMOTE VIEWING session.
HANDLER: …focus your attention now on: 40.89 degrees north. 9.55 degrees west.
SUBJECT: I want to say it looks like ah…. I don’t know, it sort of looks like a pyramid. It’s very high, it’s kind of sitting in a large depressed area. It’s yellowish, ah… okra colored.
RANDY: Pause it. Pause it.
DOCTOR K: What?
RANDY: Pyramid!
DOCTOR K: Is that all? You wanted me to pause it so you could shout Pyramid.
RANDY: Sorry. Excited.
Doctor K starts the tape again.
HANDLER: What else do you see?
SUBJECT: Severe clouds. A dust storm. Seems to be like a.. I don’t know. It’s really weird.
HANDLER: Just report your raw perceptions.
SUBJECT: I believe I’m seeing the after effect of some disaster…
HANDLER: Travel back to a time before the disaster.
SUBJECT: …um, yeah…. total difference, it’s ah… I don’t know. Large flat surfaces… surrounded by very smooth very cold walls. They’re not only large…they’re megalithic.
HANDLER: Look around. Any activity?
SUBJECT: I see ah… it’s like a perception of a shadow of people, very tall… thin, only it’s just a shadow. It’s as if they are there and they’re not, not there anymore.
HANDLER: Don’t make an attempt to analyze. Just report the raw data.
SUBJECT: Very large people. They appear thin and tall, but they’re very large. Ah.. wearing some kind of strange clothes.
[AUDIO WARBLES]
SUBJECT: …inside of a cavern, no not a cavern, more like a canyon. I’m looking up the sides of a steep wall. It seems to go on forever. And there’s like ah…. A structure with a… it’s like the wall of the canyon itself has been carved. Huge sections of smooth stone.
HANDLER: Describe the structures...
SUBJECT: Yes, they’re really huge. The ceiling is…
[AUDIO WARBLES]
HANDLER: ...you would be correct in that assumption. That’s exactly who they are…
[AUDIO WARBLES]
HANDLER: …move from this point in this time to---
[AUDIO WARBLES]
SUBJECT: It appears to be the end of a very large road and entryway. Again there’s a huge monolithic marker… It looks like an Obelisk. I don’t know. I keep getting Washington Monument overlay.
HANDLER: Ignore the monolith. What else do you see?
SUBJECT: It’s like I’m in the middle of a huge circular basin. Very ragged, ragged mountains, very tall. Basin’s very large. The entire scale of everything seems to be off or something. Everything’s so big. I can see just a right angle corner to something but that’s all, I don’t see anything else. A cluster of squares up and down. They’re almost flush with the ground and it’s like they’re connected… Something very white or just reflecting light.
HANDLER: What’s your position of observation? That can alter your perception of these things..
SUBJECT: The sun is uh… the sun is weird. Real weird.
HANDLER: Try looking away for a moment. Perhaps to the ground below your feet. Where are you standing at the moment?
SUBJECT: It’s like I can just perceive like a radiating pattern of some kind. It’s like some really strange intersecting kind of roads that are dug into valleys, you know, where a road is just a little below the edge. (sluggish tired) They’re like real neat channels cut, they’re very deep, its like the road went down…
HANDLER: You seem to be getting a bit nulled out. Stay deep. Recapture your focus.
SUBJECT: It’s really tough though. Seems like its just always sporadic. Wh— What’s thaT?
[AUDIO WARBLES]
HANDLER: …holding the focus in time and moving now to: 15 degrees north. 198 degrees east. Take some time and get back deep.
SUBJECT: I can see the pointed tops of something on the horizon. Even the horizon looks weird. It’s like ah… different… misty. Like it’s really really far away. I can see Pyramids. Can’t tell if it’s overlay or not ‘cause they’re different.
HANDLER: Do these pyramids have internal structures or---
SUBJECT: (cutting off) Both. And they’re huge. It’s really…. Ah.. it’s an interesting perception I’m getting. It’s filtered from storms or something.
HANDLER: Say that again.
SUBJECT: They’re like shelters from storms.
HANDLER: Go inside one of these and find some activity.
SUBJECT: …different chambers but they’re almost stripped of any kind of furnishings or anything. It’s a strictly functional place for sleeping or I don’t know, hibernations of some form. I get real raw inputs, storms, savage storms, and sleeping through storms.
HANDLER: Tell me more about the ones who claim to sleep through the storms. What does that mean?
SUBJECT: Very tall. Very large people, but they’re thin, they look thin because of their height and they dress like in, oh hell, it’s like a real light silk, but it’s not flowing type of clothing, it’s like cut to fit.
HANDLER: Are you able to communicate with them?
SUBJECT: They’re ancient people. They’re dying… it’s past their time or age.
HANDLER: How are they responding?
SUBJECT: They’re very philosophic about it. They’re looking for a way to survive.. they just can’t.
[AUDIO WARBLES]
SUBJECT: They can’t seem to find their way out so they’re hanging on while they look or wait for something to return or something coming with the answer…
HANDLER: Do they say what it is they’re waiting for?
SUBJECT: Evidently there was a group or a party of them that went to find a new place to live. It’s like I’m getting all kinds of overwhelming input of the … corruption of their environment. It’s failing very rapidly and this group went somewhere in order to find a new place to live.
[AUDIO WARBLES]
SUBJECT: I see a picture of a picture like, oh hell, a warp. This is going to be difficult. It’s like going to see…
HANDLER: Just the raw data.
SUBJECT: I get a Globe. It’s like a Globe…. It’s all very cosmic. It’s like space pictures.
HANDLER: Ask them if they understand who you are… Ask if there is any way you can assist them.
SUBJECT: He doesn’t know who I am. I think he perceives me as a hallucination.
[AUDIO WARBLES]
HANDLER: All right, it’s time to come back now to the sound of my voice and into the present time to right now to the 22nd of May, 1984, the sound of my voice. Move back to the room… back to the sound of my voice… [TAPE CUTS OFF]
ED: So… what was happening?
RANDY: It’s the Freemasons. They’re not from this world.
DOCTOR K: Bingo.
GAYLE: Did I miss something? I thought this was the CIA?
DOCTOR K: That’s just it. I believe its Freemason operatives within the Central Intelligence Agency. And I believe what we’re hearing is part of an attempt by the Freemasons to contact their home planet… Mars.
GAYLE: Oh my God, is Mars flat too?
DOCTOR K: No, of course not. And that’s why they’ve tried to keep the true nature of our world such a secret for so long.
RANDY: You’re right. Pyramids. Smooth stones. Right angles. A freaking globe. Yeah… yeah… it’s all there.
DOCTOR K: And don’t minimize the mention of The Washington Monument. When I heard that I was like… hold the phone… what now?
RANDY: We need to rip the audio from this tape and get a video up. This could be huge. I’m talking upwards of five million views.
DOCTOR K: No. We can’t release this information to the public in its current state…
RANDY: Why the hell not?
DOCTOR K: Because this, Randrew, is only one small part of the story. We need to get our hands on a Freemason and have them admit everything on the record. And then we’ll make a video about it.
