CREATOR V.O.: Hey this is Jeremy Ellett. I’m the weirdo who created this show. And if you’re hearing this it means you listened to the entire series. Or you skipped around. Either way, thank You so much for giving us a chance.. Back in 2015 I started listening to Audio Dramas while I was working in a warehouse. I was taping boxes and counting lawnmower blades and needed something to fill my days. And then in early 2018 I decided to try to make my own show. When I first set out on my Audio Fiction adventure the only thing I knew was that I wanted to make people laugh. I wanted to help them get through their eight hours a day in the same way that Welcome to Nightvale, Greater Boston, Mission to Zyxx, and so many other shows had helped me. I hope you enjoyed it. Hope it was fun. Hope you got a couple of laughs out of it. And before we get started I just want to give a huge thanks to our special guests Jordan Reed, Tucker Bettys, and Mason Ama-deus from the show Podcube. Podcube is a short fiction kinda improved sketch comedy podcast. It’s funny as hell. It fucking rules. And I hope that after you finish this episode you’ll pop over the Podcube podcast feed and check ‘em out. Thanks for listening.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Long before the days of Secret Handshakes and Shadow Monsters, Freemasonry was actually a club built around the craft of working with and shaping stone. But then one day… a young Stonemason made a discovery that would change everything…. And I’m not just being hyperbolic. This event legitimately changed the entire course of history…
INT. MASONIC LODGE - FLASHBACK
Several STONEMASONS are lounging in a Masonic Lodge. STONEMASON 1 and STONEMASON 2 are mid-conversation.
STONEMASON 1: I guess you could say your day got off to a bit of a rocky start. (laughs)
STONEMASON 2: (laughs) Yeah, I don’t get that. I don’t get it.
STONEMASON 1: What?
STONEMASON 2: I don’t.. I don’t get your joke.
STONEMASON 1:…because of the rock.
STONEMASON pulls up a chair.
STONEMASON 3: Hey brothers!
STONEMASON 1: Oh…
STONEMASON 2: hey.
STONEMASON 1: hey.
STONEMASON 3: hi.
STONEMASON 1: What’s going on?
STONEMASON 3: Yeah, good. How are you?
STONEMASON 1: Ya know..
STONEMASON 2: You okay?
STONEMASON 3: (laughs) Yeah..uh yeah.
STONEMASON 2: Now his day seems like its a rockier start than mine.
STONEMASON 2: I just got it. I just got your joke. That’s really good.
STONEMASON 1: Okay, well… thanks.
STONEMASON 3: Rocky start… yeah.
STONEMASON 2: What’s up did you smash your thumb?
STONEMASON 1: The new guys always smash their thumbs.
STONEMASON 3: No, I didn’t smash my thumb. It’s not a big deal…
STONEMASON 1: If you smash your thumb you just, you just take it…
STONEMASON 3: I didn’t smash my thumb.
STONEMASON 2: Okay, then what did you smash?
STONEMASON 3: The rocks…
STONEMASON 1: Well yeah… we all love smashin’ rocks.
STONEMASON 3: Well I learned something about em today that kinda puts this whole thing in a different perspective and I just…
STONEMASON 2: Dude, okay. We all like smashing rocks, but don’t get weird about it. If you start getting weird about it we’ll kick you out. We kicked Dave and we liked Dave a little more, no offense.
STONEMASON 1: Dave. He was cooler than you.
STONEMASON 2: Dave ripped.
STONEMASON 3: No, I’m not getting weird about the rocks its just that— I guess maybe I was the last one to know…?
STONEMASON 1: What? Did you already..
STONEMASON 2: The last one to know what?
STONEMASON 3: The rocks talk. That’s a thing? The rocks just have voices and personalities and alive. That’s just a thing you’re fine with?
STONEMASON 1: (sarcastic) Yeah… okay yep. Yeah the rocks talk. What do they tell you?
STONEMASON 3: No, no, I hit one with my hammer and it said Ow.
STONEMASON 1: What?
STONEMASON 3: Yeah, I was just doing my thing. And I brought my hammer down on it and it was like —oh—-
STONEMASON 2: Yeah, oh yeah, that’s great.
STONEMASON 1: Are you messing with us? Or is this just like some kind of weird joke.—
STONEMASON 2: Oh, I hit one yesterday and it said oh no please don’t… is what…. is what I said.
STONEMASON 1: I hit a rock the other day and this is what it said…
(beat)
STONEMASON 2: Yeah, yeah exactly—
STONEMASON 3: I don’t think you’re taking me seriously right now. Listen look— I took one.. I took one, right?
STONEMASON 1: Okay...
STONEMASON 3: Look at this..
STONEMASON 3 pulls a stone from his pocket.
STONEMASON 1: yeah, it’s a rock.
STONEMASON 3: (cont’d) Okay—his name is Adam.
STONEMASON 1: Well, okay..
STONEMASON 2: Hey Adam, nice to meet you, bud.
THE ROCK: Nice to meet you too. How’s it going. Hi. So yeah… like my new friend here was saying. My name is Adam and-—
STONEMASON 1: Okay, this guy’s a witch.
STONEMASON 2: (shout) This guy’s cursed. Stone him. But not with that rock. Get rid of that rock.
STONEMASON 1: Casting the devil rock into the fire!
STONEMASON 3: No, there’s not any—
NARRATOR (V.O.): Two Flat Earthers Kidnap a Freemason, Episode Fifteen. So it Goes. Down.
INT. DUNNING-KRUGER BASEMENT - NIGHT
Karen, Randy and Gayle all listen intently to what Sir Isaac Newton has to say...
NEWTON: ...and then after they’d chopped off both of his pinkie toes and still nothing... the Freemasons decided to call upon someone much more brilliant to decipher this mystery. A sexy young science man by the name of Sir Isaac Newton.
RANDY: And that’s you.
NEWTON: Correct. I was indeed that sexy young science man. And I was also the one to understand the true nature of the talking rock. This was, as you see, not a sentient rock, but instead a once living soul now trapped within a rock. It was then that I was struck with the inspiration for a truly revolutionary idea. One that would allow man to defeat our greatest challenge... death. Using what little knowledge I could squeeze from this talking stone, I developed a process known as Transmigrational Grounding.
RANDY: (quoting Mason texts) “A Mason must stay grounded...”
NEWTON: Correct again. By staying grounded, a Mason is able to avoid death and instead have their souls ‘ground’ to inanimate stone objects. (fourth wall breaking) For those of you listening at home, please refer to SCP-2FEKAF for more information. (/fourth wall breaking). So yeah... that’s how the modern age of Speculative Freemasonry was born. Some stupid fucker was chiseling away at a stone, met a martian shadow-being and then big daddy Sir Isaac Newton brought it home. This death defying Secret Knowledge has been passed down over the years... from Freemason to Freemason. From me, Sir Isaac Newton to Buzz Aldrin to Henry Ford to Ashton Kutcher to—
RANDY: (emphatic) Governor Gardner Fleming.
NEWTON: Ew.. never. (beat) From what I’ve heard your beloved Governor is a Moggie.
RANDY: A what?
NEWTON: A shapeshifting cat-person.
RANDY: I knew it! What else you got? What else do you Freemasons have going on?
NEWTON: Everything. The modern world was built, brick by brick, by Freemasons. Pharmaceuticals, Jet Propulsion, The Boston Celtics, The Internet... That’s us, baby.
GAYLE: Even cellphones?
NEWTON: No. That’s actually not us. Cell phones and Data Service are the Illuminati’s whole deal.
RANDY: Okay, I have like.. so many follow up questions… I really can’t believe I have to ignore that info dump, but…. what was that thing that just flew out of here?
NEWTON: You didn’t recognize him? That was our old friend, Walter.
RANDY: I freakin’ told you he was a Shapeshifter.
NEWTON: Walter’s human skin vessel is inhabited by an immortal entity known as The Owl of Euclid.
RANDY: How do you spell that?
KAREN: There’s nothing on the internet about this… How do we know you’re not lying?
RANDY: If this Owl of Euclid is real, then why isn’t there any documentation of it?
NEWTON: Umm… I’m a talking stone ring. I’m Sir Isaac freakin’ Newton. I feel as if that should provide some credibility to my words.
RANDY: How do we know you’re really Sir Isaac Newton?
NEWTON: Simple. Ask me a question that only Sir Isaac Newton would know the answer to…
RANDY, GAYLE, KAREN: Uhh… umm… you…?
GAYLE: I say we trust him. (beat) It’s the only way we’ll be able to save Walt. So.. how do we break the curse, Sir Isaac Newton?
NEWTON: Unfortunately… Walter’s curse is unbreakable. He will spend the remainder of his life transforming into the Owl. Only after he’s gone will the wretched parasite leave his body.
GAYLE: So we have to kill, Walt?
NEWTON: No… I’m afraid killing Walt will not solve our problem either. Because whoever kills the Owl… becomes the next Owl of Euclid. And so on and so on… (pause) There is no getting rid of it. Thankfully, though it’s only a temporary condition. By sunrise Walt will return to his human form. We can only hope he does so before he kills anyone. Or before anyone kills him.
RANDY: So, I guess the question now becomes—
KAREN: —where did the Owl go?
RANDY: —where did the—- goddammit Karen. Will you let me finish one sentence? So what can we do?
NEWTON: It’s funny you should ask - - because that’s exactly what I was about to sing to you.
RANDY: Don’t you mean say?
NEWTON: No. I don’t. Hit it!
[A big backing track starts out of nowhere. NEWTON SINGS.]
NEWTON:
“Now the story you’ve probably heard. About that dark and famous bird..
RANDY: Can you just tell us instead of singing...?
NEWTON: Really?
RANDY: I just think it’d be easier to process the information.
NEWTON: Okay. If you insist. Walter’s body is having an allergic reaction. Similar to what some would have when eating shellfish or using a latex condom. So, while it’s true that The Owl will transform on a cycle that can - at times – be mapped by the phases of the moon... it would be incorrect to say that the transformation is being caused by the moon.
RANDY: How do you know all this?
NEWTON: It’s because I’m — now see if only you’d allowed me to get to the
hook then you wouldn’t be asking these questions— It’s because...
NEWTON: I’m Sir Isaac Fucking Newton. And You Should Listen to Me. I’m Sir Isaac Fucking Newton. The Smartest Man in History.
NEWTON: And I know this because years ago I once watched Walter temporarily transform into the Owl after eating what can only be described as too much corn pudding. The Moon had yet to complete its full cycle, but here he was sprouting feathers and talons... So using the Isaac Newton Formula of Figuring Shit Out, I deduced that the introduction of certain variables can alter the timing of The Owl’s transformation. And you might be familiar with the saying, For every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Hmm- maybe.
RANDY: So ol’ Wally messed up and ate too many pancakes and now it’s up to Randy the Rando and his rag-tag gang of misfits to save the entire world.
NEWTON: (deadpan sarcasm for first line) Sure. That’s probably as close as you’ll get to understanding what’s happening here. Now for the love of God someone please finger me. My inner ring is quite chilly at the moment.
KAREN: Enough talking. We need to get on the road right now if we’re gonna have any chance to make it to Delaware.
RANDY: Delaware? You think the Owl is flying all the fucking way to Delaware? No, too simple…. There’s a pattern here somewhere.… We just aren’t seeing it yet.
GAYLE: I don’t know where The Owl would go. Or what it would do. But Wally… if there’s any bit of him left in there, might fly back to his safe space.
KAREN: He has a nest. Where’s the nest? Is the nest in Delaware?
GAYLE: No. It’s—-
RANDY: (guessing) It’s underground. In a bunker. In a cave. Underground in a Cave Bunker… New freakin’ Mexico.
GAYLE: No. It's not a nest at all. I’m talking about the roof of Clarke Communications. If there’s any part of him controlling that Monster, that’s where he’ll be. (Long beat) Well that or the Arby's. But the Arby's is just so far away and across town. So I’m leaning more toward the Clarke building.
RANDY: My old job!? Come on Gayle I don’t want to go back there.
GAYLE: It doesn’t matter what you want. Or what you think of that building, Randy. We have to try to see things from Walt’s perspective.
RANDY: Okay… okay… I think you’re right. Let’s go with Gayle’s plan.
GAYLE smiles. This is all she’s ever wanted.
NEWTON: If you’re thinking about going anywhere near Malcolm or The Owl you’ll need to arm yourselves. Or I'm afraid you literally might become de-armed. And if anyone has an Epipen I suggest you bring it.
RANDY: Noted.
KAREN: You know if this were a movie this would be a perfect time for a montage scene where we prepare for battle and—-
[MONTAGE MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS]
INT. DUNNING-KRUGER HOME - GARAG
GAYLE: Heck yeah, Fancy Shovel time, baby.
CHAUNCEY: (meow)
GAYLE: Oh Hey, Chauncey. There you are little guy… I was afraid you might’ve run away too.
CHAUNCEY: (meow)
GAYLE: You know Chauncey… your Aunt Gayle has to go help a friend, but I promise that when I get back I’m gonna reach out to your owner. And I’m gonna let her know that Stockholm syndrome isn’t real, but Chauncey’s love is… yeah… that’s what I’m gonna tell her.
CHAUNCEY: (meow)
GAYLE: Oh, no, she’ll definitely be excited. She’ll be like Chauncey, you're so cool… I love you. Welcome home!
EXT. DUNNING-KRUGER FRONT YARD - NIGHT Gayle and Karen stand in the front yard preparing for Battle.
GAYLE: Nice Chains, Karen.
KAREN: Thank you. I brought it from home actually. I like your shovel.
GAYLE: You know… I have a second one.
KAREN: Do you?
GAYLE: Would you like to—
KAREN: It’d be my pleasure.
RANDY: Check it out, Karen. How do I look?
KAREN: Like you’re ready to whoop some ass.
Randy spins around and points to his name with his thumbs.
RANDY: R-F-D stands for Randy Fucking Dunning.
KAREN: Oh wow. You got the name monogrammed on the back too.
RANDY: Only ten bucks a letter. How could you not?
KAREN: Randy, if we’re headed into a combat zone… you know what we need to do first, right?
RANDY: You know it.
Karen and Randy start stretching.
KAREN: Call it out.
RANDY: One-two-three-four… One-two-three…four.
KAREN: Looking a little stiff, bro. You should come to my Yoga class.
RANDY: Never.
GAYLE: (from the other room) Do you want your chainsaw?
RANDY: Leave it. All I need are these two hands.
GAYLE: (from the other room) I still think you should bring it just in case.
RANDY: (sigh) Fine.
GAYLE: (from the other room) Don’t worry. I’ll grab it.
KAREN: I owe you an apology, Randy. Looks like you really did have a kickass secret project in the works. Sorry for subtweeting you.
RANDY: I’m telling ya… (beat) I owe you an apology too, Karen. From me and all of my aliases.
KAREN: Were there any that I didn’t figure out?
RANDY: No, you got most of them. I was also PhoenixLightBeer.
KAREN: I knew it. I so knew it. (beat) I didn’t know it.
They both laugh.
RANDY: Thanks for trying to claw that guy’s eyes out…
KAREN: That's what family’s for. And you’re the only family I’ve got, Randy. I might hate your personality. I might disagree with almost every single word you say… but if someone tries to physically attack you… I’m gonna peel their fucking eyeballs.
They both laugh.
GAYLE: Awww… that was so sweet. I’m gonna tear up.
NEWTON: If you lot are done talking… It’s time we put things into motion. Get it. Because I’m Sir Isaac Fucking New—
CUT TO:
Karen gets behind the wheel. Gayle is in the passenger seat. Randy sitting in the back.
RANDY: What the hell, Karen? Can you get a smaller backseat?
KAREN: Stretch again when we get there.
RANDY: There won’t be time.
KAREN: Oh, I’ll make time. Where are we headed?
RANDY: Gayle?
GAYLE: Go to the Clarke Communications Building.
KAREN: You got it dude. Gayle, can I just ask you something?
GAYLE: I’d rather you didn’t
KAREN: Okay. No problem.
GAYLE: Thank you.
KAREN: I’m just wondering...
GAYLE: Ugh.. What?
KAREN: You don’t have to be ashamed.
GAYLE: What?
KAREN: It’s okay. It’s almost like a rite of passage. I got possessed by an Emalema back in 2017. Just don’t ever give them your name again and you should be good.
GAYLE: I just… I can’t believe I fell for it..
KAREN: It happens. I wouldn’t worry about it.
GAYLE: The Spotlight App works really well against Emalemas.
KAREN: Good to know. Good to know.
GAYLE: I think I’m gonna be sick.
KAREN: Roll down the window.
Gayle rolls down the window.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Gayle was still about thirty percent sure she might be dreaming. The past few days had been an absolute blur of madness. With the fresh air washing over her face… assuring her that yes she was awake, Gayle put her hands on the window for just a moment… And—-
[The Ting of the Ring Sliding down the outside of the window and falling out of the moving car…]
NEWTON: Ahhh—
NARRATOR (V.O.): Oh, shit. What was that?
KAREN: Was that the talking ring?
GAYLE: Uh.. No…. Uh… wait… maybe..
KAREN: Did you just throw Isaac Newton out of a moving vehicle?
GAYLE: I didn’t throw him. I didn’t even drop him. He just slipped off my fingers..
KAREN: (laughs) Sucks to be him.
GAYLE: We gotta go back.
RANDY: No, we can’t turn around.
GAYLE: We have to… we can’t lose Walts ring.
RANDY: There's no time, Gayle. I know you’ve heard me say this before but I mean this now more than ever when I say… fuck Sir Isaac Newton.
EXT. ROADWAY The Sir Isaac Newton ring sits on the highway.
SIR ISAAC NEWTON: Hello? Hello? Can anyone hear me?
The sounds of an isolated night.
SIR ISAAC NEWTON: Oh, Isaac, how do you get yourself into these situations?
EXT. CLARKE BUILDING PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER Karen pulls into the parking lot and drives all the way up to the door.
RANDY: Oh my God, Karen. There are parking spots literally everywhere. Just pick one.
KAREN: Shut up, Randy.
RANDY: Why are you looping around again? Just park. We’ll walk the extra few feet. Jesus Fucking Ch—
NARRATOR: And now a word from our sponsors.
KAREN: Sounds quiet. Still think this is the place?
From on top of the building THE OWL OF EUCLID lets out a deep howl.
RANDY: Wally!
GAYLE: Oh, yeah it's the place. Gayle tugs at the door. It won’t open.
GAYLE: We need someone to open the door for us.
RANDY: Step aside. I have I.D.
Randy tries to scan his badge. Instead of a nice green boop he gets an angry red buzz.
RANDY: They must’ve deactivated it after I got fired.
KAREN: (sarcastic) ya think?
The Security Guard approaches. It’s Ed.
GAYLE & RANDY: Ed!
ED: Randy… Gayle…? (beat) (surprised) Karen? What are you doing here? Why is she with you?
RANDY: There’s no time to explain. We need to get to the roof.
GAYLE: No, Randy, there’s totally time to explain. Ed, listen to me, Randy and I kidnapped a Freemason named Walter Clay…
ED: You kidnapped Walter?
GAYLE: You know him?
ED: Yeah, the super nice old British guy?
GAYLE: That’s him… But right now, Ed… Walter has transformed into an Ancient Evil Entity known as The Owl of Euclid.
ED: Walt’s evil?
GAYLE: No, Walt is a nice man. He’s just currently possessed by something evil.
ED: Who’s that?
[Squealing tires come to a screeching halt.]
NARRATOR (V.O.): Mac pulls up at the front entrance and just parks wherever the fuck he wants to… (pause) The bloody trails left behind by Karen’s fingernails make Mac look like he has Cat Whiskers. Which looks funny at first, but when he gets up close you can tell he’s not here to fuck around.
RANDY: Who's who—-? Oh, shit… this freakin’ guy again.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Mac says nothing. He has no witty retort or banter for his enemies. The Freemason Assassin digs a handful of rocks from his pants pocket.
Mac throws rocks at the Trio. Some land, but others miss. One shatters the glass of the window next to them.
GAYLE: Is he throwing rocks?
RANDY: Ow. Mother fucker, man. Who throws rocks?
Ed opens the door.
ED: Holy shit. Come in. Come in. Come in.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Randy and Gayle stumble in. Mac reaches into his pocket to reload with another grip of rocks. Karen pulls the door to a close… with her still on the outside.
RANDY: Karen, no!
KAREN: Just go, Randy. I’ll slow him down for you.
Randy gives his sister a knowing nod.
KAREN: Here Comes The Big Boss.
RANDY: Let’s Get it On.
KAREN: (to herself as she charges at Mac) Everybody was Kung—
INT. CLARKE COMMUNICATIONS
ED: Okay, so what’s going on? Walter is a monster?
GAYLE: Sorta. For now. I’m not really sure. I’m still catching up on all this too.
RANDY: It’s simple. All we have to do is hit Walt with this Epipen before he eats or kills us. Or before we get killed by the British Terminator or before the British terminator kills Walt.
ED: What about if someone kills the Terminator?
RANDY: That’s completely fine.
GAYLE: We think he might be the bad guy.
ED: You’re not sure?
RANDY: This is real life, man. No one is sure about anything. Ever.
Randy opens the DOOR at the top of the stairwell. Randy, Ed and Gayle exit the stairwell and step out onto the roof.
RANDY: Okay… everyone stay quiet… we need to get the jump on Walt if I’m going to be able to—-
OWL: (shriek)
ED: Holy Shit, what is that thing!?
RANDY: That… that’s Walt.
GAYLE: Hi, Walt.
NARRATOR (V.O.) Now fully transformed into The Owl of Euclid, Walt has shed all resemblance to the Man he was before.
OWL: (shriek)
GAYLE: Walt! Walt come back. We just want to help. We’re not going to kidnap you again.
ED: How… how are we going to do this?
RANDY: Shoulda brought the rope. I could just lasso that fucker.
NARRATOR (V.O.): A door slams and a single set of heavy footsteps walk out onto the roof…. Our trio turns to see….It’s Mac. And he’s alone. There’s no sign of Karen.
MAC: Get away from the Owl. You don’t know what you’re doing.
GAYLE: Leave him alone. He’s not a monster. He’s my friend.
MAC: You don’t understand the gravity of what you’re getting yourself into…
RANDY: Buddy… I never understand the Gravity of anything.
Randy charges at Mac with a series of kicks.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Randy Dunning had two special skills in life. Unfortunately, one of them isn’t blocking a straight punch from Malcolm “The Brick” Kirkpatrick.
Mac punches Randy in the face and sends him crumpling to the ground like a sack of Smashed Potatoes.
NARRATOR (V.O.): The two skills Randy had actually mastered. The ones he sunk his proper ten thousand hours into… were his innate ability to absorb pain and his ability to ignore anything he wanted to ignore. Even if it was shattering his nose.
[Nose Crunch]
MAC: The Owl is mine. I’ve come too far. I’ve worked too hard. You will not be the one to stand in my way…
RANDY: Fckk—!
Mac lands a shot on Randy with each statement.
MAC: Give it up. [hit] You’re too small. [hit] You’re too old. [hit] Stay down. [hit] Stay down! [hit] [hit] [hit]
Mac turns to see The Owl flapping and hovering just off the edge of the building. He smiles…
MAC: Hey there, Birdie… You and I are going to get along just fine…
NARRATOR (V.O.): Mac retrieves a ceremonial Dagger from a sheave on his hip. On one side is the Face of an Owl. On the other is a Globe. (beat) Well… it was two dimensional so… nevermind. Now is not the time.
GAYLE: (to Walt) Wally! Wally! Come get your shot and feel better!
NARRATOR (V.O.): Randy Dunning stumbles to his feet and charges at Mac. It's a messy collision… the Dagger slides away… Mac overpowers Randy, easily flipping him onto his back… pinning his arms to the ground before brutally pummeling his face. Randy lay on the ground, groaning in pain.… From the corner of his eye, Mac sees Ed advancing…
ED: Gaahh!
NARRATOR (V.O.): Ed Choom had never, in his entire life, been in a fight of any kind. And it showed. Having seen Ed coming from a mile away, the Baller of Brighton easily sidesteps the weak attack and trips Ed in the process.
Ed hits the ground and skids face first.
MAC: Bad move. You should’ve stayed out of it.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Mac lifts Ed up by the back of his shirt and just tosses him. Full of rage, Gayle tries to swing her Fancy Shovel again… This time Mac catches the wood handle and lifts Gayle into the air… Mac raises the shovel high above his head… until Gayle is almost a foot off the ground and eye to eye with him.
MAC: Just run away, Love. I don’t want to hurt you.
NARRATOR (V.O.): And for a brief moment…. Mac allows his face to transform back into its original snail form. His mouth opens to reveal rows upon rows on razor sharp teeth… He pulls Gayle so close she can feel the breath of his words…
MAC: (sinister) But I will if I have to…
RANDY: (mumbling) Kumite, Kumite, Kumite, Kumite…
NARRATOR (V.O.): Randy is back on his feet… sort of… Mac turns his slimy head and smiles at Randy with all of his teeth. Gayle releases her grip and drops from the shovel. Mac whips his head around just in time to catch a face-full of tiny salt packages from Gayle.
GAYLE: Kumite, bitch.
MAC: (screams like animal that just swallowed fire) Arrghh—
Mac stumbles around…..
NARRATOR (V.O.): With Mac temporarily blinded by the salt sizzling in his mollusk eyes… Randy delivers a Tornado Kick to Mac’s right ear. A flash of light surges through Mac’s brain. He stumbles. Randy punches him in the stomach and chest. And then… with every bit of fight he had left in him… Randy leans back and delivers a front kick to Mac’s face.
MAC: Fok—Ah shhhh. I wasn’t going to kill all of you. But now… now you’ve really gone and forced my hand…
Gayle rushes over to Ed.
GAYLE: Ed! Ed! Oh my god, Ed. Are you okay?
ED: (whispering) Yeah… I’m fine. I was just fake dying. I didn’t want him to hit me again.
GAYLE: We need your help. He’s gonna kill Randy for real.
ED: I have an idea.
Ed gets up and runs back to the Roof Entrance and into the Stairwell.
GAYLE: Ed! Where are you going!?
NARRATOR (V.O.): Gayle turns back to see Randy getting his ass kicked again. Her man is throwing clumsy punches. He’s exhausted. Mac hits Randy with a combo. One to Randy’s ribs. The other connects with Randy’s jaw, knocking him backward onto his ass. Drooling blood and saliva, Randy, slowly turns onto his hands and knees trying to pick himself up off the ground.
MAC: Enough of this shit.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Mac kicks Randy square in the face. He’s out cold.
Mac walks over to where his Dagger landed. Picks it up and turns to Gayle.
MAC: You’re next. Should’ve left when you had the chance.
GAYLE: Bring it. I’ve got a whole pocket full of Salt.
NARRATOR (V.O.): An evil smile cuts across Mac’s face as he stomps over to her…(pause) And then the Owl lands between them…
OWL: (shriek)
MAC: I’ll gladly be the one to kill you, Walt.
OWL: (shriek)
NARRATOR (V.O.): The Owl wraps three long talons around Gayle and lifts her off the roof… taking her into the sky.
GAYLE: Don’t drop me, Walter. Don’t drop me.
The Owl yells at Gayle. Opening its mouth wide.
GAYLE: And don’t eat me either.
MAC: Fly away all your want little birdie. The moment you land I’m going to carve out your heart.
RANDY: Doo-be-doo-be-doo…
MAC: You’re still here?
RANDY: Yeah, you Illuminati be-yotch. I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere.
MAC: This was supposed to be a special ceremonial Dagger… I’ve been holding onto it for years, but I just don’t care anymore.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Mac throws the Dagger at Randy. It stabs deep into his leg.
RANDY: Arghhh! Ow… Ahhhh—
Back to Gayle…
GAYLE: Wally, I know you’re in there somewhere. I know you’re still in control.
OWL: (primal scream)
GAYLE: I know you’re not really this monster. Just let me help you be yourself again.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Unbeknownst to The Owl, Gayle’s wiggling fingers finally managed to grip onto the EpiPen in her pocket.
GAYLE: You’re a good person, Walt. You’re my friend.
OWL: (primal scream)
GAYLE: I’m sorry we kidnapped you. I’m sorry I fed you those terrible Kid’s Cuisine meals. You can go back to living a normal life as soon as you’re ready.
OWL: (primal scream)
NARRATOR (V.O.): With what little wiggle room she has… Gayle pops the cap off and plunges the pen into one of the long gray talons wrapped around her waist.
The Owl lets out of a shriek of pain and begins flying erratically before crashing back down into the roof. Mac smiles and walks up to Randy.
MAC: Don’t mind me. Just need my blade back.
Mac pulls the Dagger out of Randy’s leg.
RANDY: (howl of pain)
ED: Leave him alone.
MAC: You… I thought I already killed you.
ED: You wish… I was just fake sleeping.
MAC: Well… shouldn’t be too hard. Let’s try again then shall we?
ED: (exclamation) Get some!
Ed throws a metal tube at Mac… It falls short with a CLANG just a few feet in front of Mac.
MAC: (sarcastic) Nice throw.
ED: Click-click—
BOOM!
NARRATOR (V.O.): A classic gender reveal bomb explosion knocks Mac backward a few feet… covering him in pink dust. The explosion has also created a few small, contained and aesthetically badass fires around the roof. Sick.
Mac comes charging out of the pink smoke, leveling Ed with one punch.
ED: No-no-no—Ugh—
MAC: (exhausted) [panting & coughing]
NARRATOR (V.O.): The knife wound in his leg has left Randy rapidly bleeding out. The edges of the maroon pool widen with every passing beat….
GAYLE: (to Randy) Oh my God, Randy! There’s so much blood.
RANDY: (increasingly confused) I’m sorry… I just didn’t want Walt to die. (beat) And now I’m gonna die. Goddammit.
GAYLE: You’re not going to die, Randy. Look at me. Look at me.
RANDY: I’m looking…
GAYLE: I love you. And I’m not going to die so you can’t die, okay?
RANDY: Okay… I love you too.
GAYLE: We die together like in The Notebook. You made a pinky promise.
RANDY: But this is a lot of blood though..
GAYLE: How do I stop the bleeding? Am I supposed to elevate your leg? Do I make a tourniquet out of my shirt?
RANDY: I don’t know. I’ve never been stabbed before.
QUICK CUT TO:
Gayle furiously types into, and then stares intently at, her phone. She waits a beat and then taps the screen. Cheesy but familiar music starts playing….
AD COPY: It’s Smashed Potatoes! Experience the game the New York Times un-ironically called an, “Absolute Smash Hit.” From farm to table you control the entire Potato lifecycle. Harvest Fresh Potatoes and Smash Em! Remove unwanted eyes and Smash Em! Choose from one of over 150 fully customizable Avatars.
RANDY: Oh my God, Skip the Ad!
GAYLE: It won’t let me skip it!
AD COPY: Upgrade and customize the decor of your Potato Smashing Palace. Host virtual parties in the Smash Zone! Invite your family and friends or millions of Potato Smashers from all around the world! Don’t just beat the high score…. Smash it!
RANDY: I’m going to die because of a Youtube Ad… (laughs) And I’m not even monetized. (laughs and suddenly it's TOO FUNNY)
The Ad finally ends and different In-Video Music starts.
SGT. DIRKWATER: (on video) So you or someone you love has been stabbed in the leg and you need to stop the bleeding… You may or may not have been the one to stab them. I want to say up front that I’m not here to judge anyone… and if this doesn’t go well just know that your secret is safe with me. Now the first thing you want to do is get yourself a nice piece of cloth and——
NARRATOR (V.O.): The Owl of Euclid lay collapsed and convulsing on the roof… Its wings are shrinking…. Its talon’s retracting back into fingers… Slowly Walter Clay is turning back into himself. At the worst possible time….
MAC: Pathetic. All the power and privilege in the world and you have no idea how to wield the strength it provides. You just flap around and yell like a Parrot.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Mac wraps his hand around Walter’s throat and lifts him into the air like an Attitude Era Undertaker Chokeslam.
MAC: You were never meant to be the Owl of Euclid, Walter. You’re too weak.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Walter struggles for air and struggles even more for consciousness.
MAC: It was my turn. It was my time. You took my entire life from me. My future. My past. Everything I’ve worked for. It all means nothing if I’m not the Owl. Nothing.
WALT: (choking) I’m sorry… Malcolm. I never meant to steal your spot. I was just…
MAC: Fuck off. We all read the same Masonic texts. We all hear the same Masonic stories. You knew exactly what you were doing that night. Grady was on his deathbed and you held his hand. You wanted this.. You wanted credit for that kill.
WALT: Grady was a good Mason. He was all alone. I just wanted to show my respect.
MAC: You were already Newton’s Finger.. you had your role… you didn’t have to take what was mine…
WALT: I never wanted this… I never wanted to be The Owl—-ughghh…
Mac squeezes tighter… cutting off Walt’s words at the source.
MAC: I’ll be taking it back now if it’s all the same to you.
The last vestiges of breath squeak from Walter’s lungs. A few feet away, Randy is still bleeding, but manages to stand.
RANDY: This is my fault.
GAYLE: Randy, no…
RANDY: Gayle… I have to help Wally. It’s time I start thinking about someone else other than myself.
WALT: (choking sounds)
MAC: (evil laughing) You know Wally, it’s like Brother John Wayne said, “Sometimes a Man’s gotta do. What a Man’s gotta do.”
NARRATOR (V.O.): Mac could feel everything all at once. Everything he’d ever dreamed of… everything he’d ever worked toward or trained for was now becoming his… He could feel the power of The Owl of Euclid already coursing through his body… igniting his nervous system… and sliding sharply into his torso… wait… no… that’s a sword..
MAC: (pain of being stabbed) Fucking ow!
The curved, winding steel rips through Malcolm's back and out the front of his stomach. A burst of red comes from the wound.
ED: Who is that?
RANDY: I literally have no clue. Gayle?
GAYLE: No idea.
At the other end of the sword is Arlo.
ARLO: Back away from the Owl or I’ll run you through again…
NARRATOR (V.O.): Mac turns in disbelief. Bursts of pink and red cover his entire body.
ARLO: I’m sorry.
MAC: (bleeding internally) Don’t be. You’re the Tiler of St. Louis now. It’s your duty to protect him. Your Father would be proud. (beat) But he also would’ve been smart enough to finish the work before he started feeling guilty about it.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Mac raises a fist and charges at Arlo. Arlo grips his father’s sword—
We hear approaching footsteps, Randy has a full head of steam and he lays into Mac.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Randy drives his shoulder into Mac's bleeding stomach… taking them both over the edge of the building….
RANDY: AHHHHHHH——
MAC: AHHHHHHH——
FLAT EARTH TONY: (on video) Now the thing about Gravity is that things actually fall at their relative density…
Sounds | Meaty Bag Splat
ED: Randy!
GAYLE: Randy, no!
NARRATOR (V.O.): Walter stumbles to his feet in a haze worse than the combined effort of every hangover you’ve ever had…
WALT: Arlo? What are you— How did you?
ARLO: It’s okay. I’m here to protect you.
WALT: Oh… look… there’s the Arch.
ED: Yep… there’s the Arch.
ED: Did I really hear Randy say, Doo-Bee-Doo-Bee-Doo to that guy? (laugh)
NARRATOR (V.O.): For years, Randy Dunning had denied the existence of Gravity. Going so far as to call himself an anti-gravity activist. For Sir Isaac Newton it took an apple falling from a tree. For Randy Dunning it took surviving a five story fall.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE CLARKE COMMUNICATIONS BUILDING Randy is alive and okay. Luckily, Mac broke his fall.
GAYLE: Randy! Randy! Oh my god. Thank God you’re still alive.
RANDY: My head hurts.
GAYLE: Hold on I’m going to get an ambulance here right away…
RANDY: Wait... what—- what about this asshole? He’s still breathing…
GAYLE: I don’t know… should we call for the police too?
RANDY: No. Fuck the police. Grab my phone and call Bobby. Put it on Speaker.
[Phone Dialing]
BOBBY: (greeting) Go for Bobby….
RANDY: (on phone) If you want another easy number for your Kill Count get to the Clarke Communications building now!
[CLICK]
RANDY: Okay so we’ll give them a couple minutes and—
Almost immediately a van pulls up and the sliding door opens. Out hop Bobby and True Crime Carol.
GAYLE: Holy shit that was fast… how did you?
BOBBY: Don’t worry about it.
TRUE CRIME CAROL: We definitely haven’t been stalking you or anything. That’d be weird. [sees Mac] Ooh, Juicy Boi. He’s perfect. Right, Bobby?
BOBBY: Yeah, he looks like he’s full of blood.
TRUE CRIME CAROL tries to pick Mac up. He’s still breathing, but he’s absolute dead weight.
TRUE CRIME CAROL: This son of a bitch is heavy—- Bobby can you?
BOBBY: (finishing the sentence) —grab the legs. I’m on it.
TRUE CRIME CAROL: Look at me, Randy. Can you believe it? I’m gonna do a real one this time. Wish me luck.
GAYLE: Good Luck.
RANDY: Break a leg.
SIRENS in the distance.
TRUE CRIME CAROL: (excited) Oh, shit Bobby. Here comes the fuzz.
BOBBY: Alright, True, Baby, Let’s go find our kill room.
The van leaves…
GAYLE: What did she mean by “do a real one this time?”
RANDY: I think it means they’re gonna cut his head off.
GAYLE: Oh. Okay. What?
RANDY: So… what should we do now?
KAREN: I could go for a Big Ass Breakfast.
RANDY: (surprised) Where the hell have you been? I thought you were dead.
KAREN: Not gonna lie, Randy. I think my heart might’ve stopped earlier.
RANDY: (quoting bloodsport) You’re really a pain in the ass… you know that?
KAREN: (quoting bloodsport) I’m just glad you’re on our side, kid.
RANDY: (laugh) My head hurts.
ED: Classic man. Classic. I loved that Penguin.
GAYLE: Penguin? I thought it was a rabbit?
ED: I know the penguin, for sure, but I don’t have any clue what you’re talking about, Gayle. (Laughs)
An AUTOMATED WAITER-BOT rolls up to the table.
AUTOMATED WAITER-BOT: I’m here to smite—-Nice to meet you. Are you ready?
GAYLE: We’re still waiting on two more.
AUTOMATED WAITER-BOT: Bless your heart. Eat. Drink. Be Merry.
GAYLE: Will do, Mr. Robot. Thank you.
RANDY: (laugh) My head hurts.
KAREN: We know, Randy. How many times are you going to tell us? (laugh) He’s faking. I can tell.
RANDY: (laugh) My head hurts.
GAYLE: Okay, no. I’m pretty sure he has a concussion for real-for real.
RANDY: I’m just joking.
GAYLE: (to Randy) Are you though?
KAREN: Hell of a night, bro. I need to start hanging out with you more often.
WALT: (sarcastic) I’ve done quite a lot of it recently and I can’t say that I recommend it.
They LAUGH.
WALT: But seriously… Randy… tonight you very well may have saved my life. Granted you were also the reason my life was in danger, but you showed up for me. You literally fought for me. It means the world. It truly does. I won’t say anything about the kidnapping. As far as I’m concerned it never happened.
RANDY: Thank you. Again, I’m so sorry about Tazing You and locking you in the Cage and how we were planning to chop you up with a Chainsaw.
WALT: Didn’t know about that list bit. But okay… its still fine. I’m still just so thankful to finally be out of the cage and no longer feeling like a monster…
RANDY: (confident like I already know the answer) Oh yeah… before I forget… so… Walt… Rocks can talk?
WALT: What? … what?
KAREN: The jigs up, Wally. Your friend Isaac Newton told us everything.
WALT: Did he? Well then… I’m sorry I wasn’t able to be more honest with you before… I hope you understand why I withheld the information that I did.
RANDY: I mean you could’ve told me you were going to freak out into a monster… but I wouldn’t have believed any of this crap. I’m starting to realize that there’s a lot of things happening in this world that I just don’t understand. And I never will. And that’s okay. I don’t have to spend my life figuring out all the mysteries of the Universe. I just need to be Randy.
WALT: Well… You were right about one thing.
RANDY: Oh yeah…
WALT: Just wait here for one second…
NARRATOR (V.O.): Walt gets up and goes to the Fast Foot Counter.
KAREN: What’s he doing?
RANDY: I don’t know.
Walt sits back down at the table.
KAREN: So… Walt can I ask… are Cat People real too?
WALT: They prefer the name Moggies…
KAREN: (excited gasp)
WALT: And no you cannot pet them.
KAREN: (let down sigh)
DRIVE THRU WORKER: Here’s your order.
WALT: Thank you. But it's actually for my friend here.
Walter slides the dish over to Randy. Randy unwraps it.
RANDY: (overcome with excitement) The Triple Decker Toasted Ravioli Burger. It’s real. It’s real….
DRIVE THRU WORKER: Next time just use the Password.
RANDY: (to Walt) Password? How did you…. How did you…
WALT: Just one of the many perks of being a Freemason. The perks are mostly all food related. Next time you want access to a secret menu simply ask… “Why Do the Winding Stairs Wind?”
DRIVE THRU WORKER: And I’ll respond with… “So as not to disclose what is ahead.”
RANDY: Thank you… thank you…
DRIVE THRU WORKER: Please. Enjoy.
RANDY: This is amazing… Thank you. (Beat) (quoting Bloodsport again) Anytime. Any place. Anywhere. If you ever need me. I’ll be there. (beat) Oh, wait. Before I forget…
Randy begins pulling items out of his pockets.
RANDY: Here is all your stuff back. Wallet. Keys. Phone.
WALT: Ring?
RANDY: I’m gonna let you ask Gayle about that one?
WALT: Hang on. Would you look at that?
RANDY: What?
WALT: I’ve just received a new review on The Centaur.
KAREN: The Centaur?
RANDY: It’s his novel. It’s about a Jockey who nurses this old Mare back to health and then they win a ton of races together until some dickhead gang steals her. So the Jockey has to like go all John Wick on ‘em and go get his horse back.
WALT: Listen to this…What can I say… I didn’t expect to love this book as much as I did. A whole whole lot of blood. Five Stars.
KAREN: Sounds amazing.
RANDY: It’s pretty good.
KAREN: I’ll have to check it out sometime.
RANDY: Yeah. Be sure to do that. “The Centaur” by Walter Clay. A Dark Modern Western.
KAREN: You know I wrote a Cookbook… and I have some great ideas for a book about Dinosaurs in Space and—- and I think I’ll just shut up about them. Because this isn’t the time for that.
WALT: Now I don’t mean to ruin a great moment of healing here, but I do need to excuse myself to the restroom. I’ve been locked in a cage for a few weeks now and I need to relieve myself.
KAREN: Been there before.
RANDY: By all means, Wally, you’re a free man. You’re excused.
Walt exits. Karen waits a few beats and then leans over to her brother….
KAREN: (whispering) Randy.. I got everything on tape. All of it. I was recording when we were on the roof. I was recording when the Ring was talking… I got everything. This could break the internet, Randy. I’m talking fifty million views… What do you say? A little co-produced video collaboration between The Flat Truth and HelioCentric Fantasies. We can finally expose The Freemasons…
RANDY: You know we can’t do that, Karen.
KAREN: What? You’re telling me you want to walk away from One Hundred Million views, Randy? One Hundred Million?
RANDY: That’s what I’m saying.
Karen slides a tiny memory card across the table.
KAREN: Here. This is your thing. I won’t ruin it. And I won’t steal it. The Ball’s in your court now, Randy. Whenever you’re ready to dunk on the Freemasons everything you need will be on that memory card.
RANDY: Thanks, Kay-Kay. (Beat) I’m about Nineteen Eighty-Four Percent sure this is exactly what I need to do.
We hear the DING of the door as Randy pokes his head out.
RANDY: Hey, Ed…
ED: Sup?
RANDY: You wanna blow some shit up!?
ED: Ah hell yeah. I thought you’d never ask…
EXT. ALLEY BEHIND DINER The whole gang is now out in the alley behind the diner.
ED: Is everybody ready?
GAYLE: Let’s blow some shit up!
ED: This explosion is dedicated to Doctor Kevin Byrd.
RANDY: May he rest in peace.
GAYLE: We love you and miss you, Doc.
[EXPLOSION]
NARRATOR (V.O.): Two Flat Earthers Kidnap a Freemason is Good Pointe Podcast. Written & Created by Jeremy Ellett. Starring Zane Schacht as Randy Dunning.
[FIREWORKS]
NARRATOR (V.O.): And Lauren Grace Thompson as Gayle Kruger. Matthew Woodcock as Walter Clay. Addison Peacock as Karen. Charlie Wes as Ed. David Ault as Mac. Graham Rowat as Newsham. Josh Rubino as Sir Isaac Fucking Newton. And me, Jack Carmichael as your Narrator. For a full list of Credits check out individual episodes, show notes and our website. For a full list of everything the Freemasons are really up to, please refer to your local branch of the internet. To find out what happened next… just wait a couple seconds.
EPILOGUE VIDEO
Recording of Randy. Front facing video.
RANDY: Welcome back to another episode of Writing the Wrongs with Randy. Don’t have a ton of time to record today so this is gonna be quick. A few things I want to address and a few things I want to update you all on. First off.. I still haven’t had much success on my queries for, “Bigfoot Bigger Heart,” but I’m confident that the right publisher will come along soon enough. That or I’ll just self-publish. Because fuck it, right? Why wait for someone else to tell me my story is worth telling? …and even though this channel isn’t really about all that anymore… the number one question I continue to get in my inbox is… “Randy why did you stop believing the Earth is Flat?” or “Randy, were you replaced by a Government Clone?” I just want to clarify that A-No. I’m a real one. Always been a real one. Always gonna be a real one. And B-what I truly believe is that I don’t know what shape my world is… Sometimes it feels round. Sometimes it feels flat. Sometimes it feels like a fake simulation. I’m still figuring it out. And I’ve just decided that… I’m not going to waste another second of my life trying to convince someone else what shape their world should be. Randy Dunning… signing out.
GAYLE: Randy, you left the camera on. You’re still recording...
RANDY: Oh, shit... you’re right.
GAYLE: That could've been really embarrassing.
RANDY: Ya know, Gayle, since the cameras already set up we can go ahead and record your Big Bubba audition tape.
NARRATOR (V.O.): This Audio Drama is based upon true events in the life of Randy Dunning, Gayle Kruger and Ed Click-Click Choom. From 2018 to 2022, The Flat Truth video channel amassed 3.4 Million views.
