TWO FLAT EARTHERS KIDNAP A FREEMASON EPISODE 15: MULTILEVEL MALEVOLENCE
INT. HIGH RISE DOWNTOWN OFFICE BUILDING ELEVATOR Mac is standing alone in the elevator. The doors open and Newsham’s assistant, Simon, enters.
SIMON: Can you hit Eight for me, please? Thank you.
MAC: What a coincidence. Already pressed.
Simon turns to get a better look at Mac
SIMON: Hmm… that’s weird. I don’t recognize you.
MAC: That is weird… because I recognize you, Simon. Where have you been, mate? I’ve been riding these elevators all day waiting for you.
SIMON: (creepy concern) What’s this about?
Mac PUSHES Simon against the wall of the elevator.
MAC: (intimidating) I need to have a word with your boss Doug Newsham. How do we make that happen?
SIMON: Literally any way you’d like that keeps me alive and out of the hospital.
INT. HIGH RISE DOWNTOWN OFFICE BUILDING
A quick KNOCK and then the Door Opens in Newsham’s Office.
NEWSHAM: I swear to God, Simon. If that’s not a proper store bought scone you can turn right back around and—-
MAC: Hello, Douglas.
Newsham spins around in his chair. Sinks when he sees that its Mac.
NEWSHAM: Shit. Not today.
MAC: I’ll make it simple for you. I know you’re a man with a healthy amount of connections. You always have your ear to the ground… Tell me who has the owl?
NEWSHAM: Never thought I’d see it. I mean I know the old adage is “turn over a rock and you’re bound to find a few snails,” but wow… they’ve really convinced you shellbacks to sell out your own. Tell me something, Mac… How do the Masons get a Snail like you to join in on all that “Freemason Be a Good Builder.. We can do it! Bullshit.”
MAC: Who has The Owl?
Mac grabs Newsham around the throat.
NEWSHAM: [Choking]
MAC: Who has the owl, Newsham!? Who? Who? Who? Who?
Mac releases his grip around Newsham’s throat.
NEWSHAM: A few (cough) a few weeks ago in Kansas City this asshole came up to me in a bathroom… at one of the fuckin’ weirdo conventions… Conspiracy Con or some shit like that.
MAC: And…
NEWSHAM: (cough) The guy told me he kidnapped a Freemason. Wanted to know what he should do next…
MAC: And he came to you for that instruction?
NEWSHAM: Yeah, something like that.
MAC: What did you tell him?
NEWSHAM: I don’t know. I think I told him to eat my shit or something I can’t really remember.
Mac punches Newsham.
MAC: What did you tell him?
NEWSHAM: Nothing. I told the son of a bitch to fuck off and he fucked right off. Never saw him again.
Mac punches Newsham again.
MAC: What else?
NEWSHAM: (CONT’D) Listen man, I know you’re just doing your job, but I’ve got no reason to lie to you. I mean… I know I’m a disinformation agent, but I just say whatever they pay me to say. I’m a hired distraction not a hitman. And I’m damn sure not a kidnapper…
MAC: And this mysterious bathroom kidnapper… they have a name?
NEWSHAM: Dunning. Randy Dunning.
MAC: Was that so hard?
Mac punches Newsham again.
NEWSHAM: Lay another hand on me, Shellback… and I swear I’ll be wearing your face at the next Bohemian Grove Low-Jinks Comedy Show.
MAC: Now… see. Why would you say that? You just never know when to shut up, do you, Newsham?
NEWS ANCHOR: News out of St. Charles this morning as a Mercedes-Benz was found burning in the alleyway behind Kings Grocery. The vehicle belongs to local resident and internet media personality Doug Newsham… Longtime Shock Jock Radio Host and Anti-Gravity Activist Douglas Newsham, dead at 42. Cancel culture strikes again.
INT. SMALLWOOD BOOKS RANDY enters the bookstore. JAY and STEVE are behind the counter.
STEVE: Welcome to SMALLWOOD BOOKS this week we’re having a sale on Romantic Dystopian Space Fiction.
RANDY: (reflexive) Hey, how’s it going?
STEVE: I’m wonderful. Thank you for asking. Let me know if you need help finding anything.
NARRATOR (V.O.):Randy pulls out his phone and scrolls through the photos until he finds the one he’s looking for. He zooms in on her face. Studies it. And then starts to stalk the aisles of the bookstore. We hear quiet conversations and footsteps as he moves through the sections, from Romance to Romantic Mysteries to Romantic Horror to Romantic Clearance. A little bit further and there’s a room with no door. He enters. There’s a long white folding table at the front of the room alongside a big cardboard cutout Poster of Walt’s Author Headshot and the cover of The Centaur sitting on an Easel. In front of all that are roughly two dozen folding chairs. All empty. Except one. Randy double checks the image on his phone. It’s her. It’s Walter’s daughter, Derby Clay.
RANDY: Are you here for the Walter Clay reading?
DERBY: Yes… Am I in the wrong place? Sorry I didn’t know where to—-
RANDY: No. No you’re good. I was just actually sent over here to… uh… to sorta let you.. or the audience rather… know that he—
DERBY: Is everything okay?
RANDY: Everything’s fine. Nothing to worry about. It’s actually great news for Mr. Clay.
DERBY: Yeah?
RANDY: Oh yeah. He had to skip-out on this reading event because he was called in for an emergency meeting with some bigwigs from Dubble.
DERBY: The Dubble? Like “if you’re not seeing Dubble you’re not seeing it..” Dubble?
RANDY: The one and only. They’re looking to expand their streaming library of… Modern Westerns and they really fell in love with The Centaur.
DERBY: The Centaur?
RANDY: The Centaur. His book. That’s the name of his book.
DERBY: Oh, right. Sorry. I just… it used to be called something totally different. I remember this story when it was about a girl growing up on the moon and dreaming of moving to Earth.
RANDY: It’s amazing how stories can change over time.
DERBY: It was called, The Moon is Full of It. (laughs) Appropriate title… So they’re really thinking about turning his novel into a TV show?
RANDY: Or a feature film… it’s still pretty early in the negotiation process, but between you and me things are looking promising.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Randy gives Derby a thumbs up and uses his other hand to conceal the thumbs up from prying eyes… as if he shouldn’t even be showing it to her.
DERBY: I was starting to get worried since it was past seven and I was still sitting here alone…
RANDY: (laughs) Yeah, somebody should’ve come and let ya know. Sorry ‘bout that. The name’s Frank by the way… Frank Ducks.
DERBY: Nice to meet you Frank. My name’s Derby. Derby (beat) Clay.
RANDY: (faking it) Wow. I didn’t even realize… wow. You’re his… wow. The Derby Clay. Walt’s daughter. From the dedication page. I…. It’s so nice to meet you. Walter has told me so much about you.
DERBY: It me. Guilty as charged. So do you work with Walter?
RANDY: Starting to… starting to… Yeah, first time I met Walt, I just knew he had something special hidden deep down inside of him. He just needed the right person to reach down his throat and rip it out of there for him. (awkward laugh) Ya know.
DERBY: Are you his Agent?
RANDY: Agent?
DERBY: Yeah, are you his Agent? Or is it Manager? I’m sorry, I don’t really know the difference.
RANDY: Me, either, to tell you the truth. (laughs) Parasitic sons of bitches. (fake laugh) No, I’m actually Walt’s… uhh… producer. And writing partner.
DERBY: How exciting. Should you not… be there with him then? At the meeting….
RANDY: Oh yeah, yeah. That’s where I’m headed right after this… I just needed to… (beat) pick up a copy of the book.
RANDY grabs a copy of The Centaur off the stack on the folding table.
RANDY: There we go. Forgot to bring a copy with us.
DERBY: Probably be pretty hard to pitch the story without the book, right?
RANDY: Actually, no, I mocked up some pretty sweet graphics. Triple A quality work. I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but these Graphics entertain as much as they inform. Toot-Toot, know what I’m saying?
DERBY: I think so. (polite awkward laugh) Well, I won’t keep you longer than I already have. If you see my Dad just tell him I said Hello, and that I’ll call him sometime soon.
RANDY: Walt really wanted to come tonight. It’s literally breaking his heart. But unfortunately, those TV Execs locked him up in that meeting and they're just… not gonna be able to let him out.
DERBY: It’s okay. I mean. How could someone turn down an opportunity like that?
RANDY: That’s true, but being a Dad is a hell of an opportunity too.
DERBY: Aww. I don’t think mine saw it that way.
RANDY: We all deserve a second chance. A level set.
DERBY: Level set. Yeah. I like that. (Beat) Thanks again, Mr. Dux.
RANDY: Have a wonderful day, Ms. Clay. (Beat) And also, be sure to google 200 Proofs and the Flat Truth.
DERBY: What?
RANDY: I’ll send you some links.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Randy power walks away like innocent people are known to do. He’s a few steps from the Front Entrance when Steve calls out to him from behind the counter.
STEVE: Sir, are you going to pay for that book? Sir!
NARRATOR (V.O.): Randy looks back over his shoulder like a surprised chipmunk and in that moment Steve and Randy both know… he’s not paying for shit. Randy slams through the front entrance, turns the corner and books it down a back alley. Mild-mannered Steve hops over the counter with scary surprising athleticism and gives chase.
STEVE: Not today, you ding-dong.
Steve exits the front entrance with a DING… [BOOKSTORE ENTRANCE CHIME] Amari approaches Jay at the Front Counter.
JAY: Steve knows we’re not supposed to chase shoplifters, right?
AMARI: Hi, I’m Amari with Ally Oils and I have an exciting new opportunity I’d love to share with you folks. What’s your name?
JAY: What are you on right now?
AMARI: That’s a beautiful name, Whatareyouonrightnow. Do you like to feel beautiful, Whatareyouonrightnow?
JAY: (sarcastic deadpan) Oh you know I do. (pause) Why is Steve even worried about this guy? Five bucks says he catches him.
AMARI: You know if you need extra money to pay the bills I just recently became an Ally Oils consultant and I’d be happy to extend this opportunity to a good friend like you, insert name.
Steve comes back in with a ding. [BOOKSTORE ENTRANCE CHIME]
STEVE: [huffing and puffing] He got away. I had him cornered in the alley behind Pizza Pirates and the bastard hit me with a Spinning Side Kick like we were playing Double-Dragon. Is my face red? I can’t tell… I’ve probably got a dang ol’ shoe print on my face…
JAY: That’s pretty accurate.
AMARI: Would anyone like to see what Ally Oil products I brought with me? I can also demonstrate how I use them in my everyday life for things like removing dang ol’ shoe prints from my face… Wait for them to respond.
STEVE: No. That’s okay.
JAY: I… I gotta go check something in the back.
AMARI: Great. Well, my personal favorite is the Orange Peppermint which promotes Vitality and Vivaciousness. Tell me something, Whatareyouonrightnow? Do you like to be in control of your own destiny?
INT. DUNNING-KRUGER BASEMENT
Randy and Walt in the basement. Walt is transforming, but Randy doesn’t notice because he’s too busy arguing with strangers on the internet.
WALT: Ah.. (grimace of pain)
RANDY: You okay, man?
WALT: Yes… right as rain. (grimace of pain)
RANDY: I’m gonna be honest with you Wally, you look like old mop water. Like the personification of old mop water.
WALT: I’m okay.
NARRATOR (V.O.): He was not okay. He was not okay at all. The New Moon had taken its place in the sky and so, as the story goes, Walter Clay began to slowly transform into The Owl.
Sounds | Ripping Monster Sounds Throughout
NARRATOR (V.O.): Over the years The Owl has been known by different names. The Beast of Long Wood. The Mothman of Point Pleasant. The Dragon of St. Laurence… but those in the know, know its true name to be The Owl of Euclid. Described by eye witnesses as having Red Glowing Eyes, Ten foot wings covered with hard — almost bark like feathers.… What skin still remained visible was stretched tight over its bones… Walter Clay would soon fully transform into this monstrosity, and there’s not a Ventura Brand Cage in the entire Ventura Brand Exotic Animal Cage Lineup capable of containing the Owl. Not even a Gorilla Cage. In case you were wondering.
Sounds | Randy in an argument on the computer.
RANDY: Okay… now this guy is saying that Freemasons control the freaking Weather…. The Weather? (laugh) Like come on my dude… who believes crap like that. Right, Wally?
NARRATOR (V.O.): If Randy would have turned away from the Computer Screen for even a moment he might’ve noticed that Walt’s transformation was already well underway. Walt’s eyes have yellowed. And soon they’d be glowing red. Walt’s fingers have grown to twice their length. The nails getting darker and sharper. Feathers have begun ripping through the skin of his armpits… his back hardening like stone. Forming the roots from which The Owl’s wings would soon grow.
RANDY: Now he’s bringing up The Knights Templar. Dude, when we’re taking Freemasons and you start bringing up The Knights Templar its like… now I automatically know you don’t know what you’re talking about.
NARRATOR (V.O.): An actual monster slowly takes form just behind Randy’s back. It festers and grows under his own nose and in his own home… But Randy preoccupied himself with the Flame War at his fingertips. You can spend you entire life living in a world that’s not at all the one you really live in. It’s a behavior some folks learn to take on too young… Randy’s world was never the one he wanted to be living in. So he’s always looked for some other world to hide in. Some other explanation for why the world was the way it was….
EXT. ALLEY BEHIND BIRDIES PET STORE - 3AM
NARRATOR (V.O.): Meanwhile, across town at Birdie’s Pet’s and More… Millie creeps through the alleyway behind the strip-mall. She’s dressed in all black, wearing a ski-mask and carrying a gas can. And it’s 3AM. Nothing good happens after midnight when you’re dressed in all black and carrying a gas can. Nothing. But Millie hadn’t learned that lesson yet.
MILLIE: Hey, Mr. Dumpster. Sorry I don’t have anything for you tonight. At least not yet.
MILLIE pats the side of the dumpster and crouches behind it. She waits in the darkness monitoring her surroundings until she’s sure the coast is clear.
MILLIE: (under breath) You’ve got no other options.
MILLIE does a little crouching run over to the backdoor of BIRDIES and slides her key into the lock. She makes the effort to slowly unlock the door and turn the knob. Suddenly a voice from behind surprises her.
DUMPSTER: Millie, are you sure you want to do this?
SOUNDS | Once the DUMPSTER starts talking we have a certain kinda musical tone or harmonics that play over the scene. [That way we can have a cut scene in the middle of this where it cuts off and we hear it for what it really is… just a weirdo, alone, yelling at a Dumpster in an alley behind a Pet Store at 3am.]
Millie turns to see the DUMPSTER has come to life. This is a product of Millie’s imagination, but we see/hear it through Millie and experience it was if it were real.
MILLIE: You don’t understand Mr. Dumpster. I have to burn it all down. There’s no other way through this.
DUMPSTER: But what about Gayle? And all the animals?
MILLIE: Shut up, Trash Breath.
DUMPSTER: You don’t have to resort to name calling, Millie.
MILLIE: You’re right. I’m sorry.
DUMPSTER: I appreciate that, but I think the person you should really be apologizing to is yourself, Millie. You’ve been working non-stop for almost four years. You did your best. Even if the Pet Store goes under it doesn’t mean you’re a failure.
MILLIE: I never said I thought I was a failure. And I love the animals. You know I do. But if I remove all of them before setting the Pet Store on fire then the Insurance Company is going to have some questions. Like where are all the tiny hamster bones?
DUMPSTER: No animal deserves to die like that, Millie.
MILLIE: Why don’t you just stay out of this ya Dumpster?
DUMPSTER: Because I care about you. And I care about Gayle and all the animals… We’re a family…
MILLIE: If you’re really my family then you’ll understand why I need to do this… Goodbye, Mr. Dumpster.
DUMPSTER: You’re better than this, Millie!
SOUNDS | A LONG CREAK OF THE BACKDOOR BEING OPENED
INT. BIRDIES PETSHOP BACKROOM - CONTINUOUS It’s dark and quiet except the hum of fish tanks and the skittering of pets in cages. Millie flips on a light.
INT. BIRDIES PET STORE - FRONT - CONTINUOUS Millie walks around pouring Gasoline on the ground before she stops and begins unlatching the cages. Lots of little cage doors opening up.
MILLIE: Ah, I can’t do you like that little guys. Insurance companies be damned. I’ll think of something… (pause) Hold on. Hold on. I’ve gotcha. Here we go. Freedom. (pause) Don’t worry little guy no one’s ever gonna keep you locked up again.
ACE the PARROT: Lock her up! Squawk. Lock her up! Lock her up! Squawk.
MILLIE: Don’t worry, Ace. I didn’t forget about you.
ACE the PARROT: Benghazi! Benghazi! Benghazi! Emails. Squawk. Emails. Emails.
MILLIE opens the bird cage and the parrot hesitates for a moment…
MILLIE: Come on out. Its okay. What’s the worst that could happen?
ACE leaps from the cage and flies, but not very high and not very far. The sound of flapping wings, etc.
ACE the PARROT: Lock her up! Squawk. Lock her up! Lock her up! Squawk.
NARRATOR (V.O.): MILLIE creeps over to the side storage room and puts an ear to the door…
Sounds | Muffled music and chanting. It sounds like a corporate druid ritual.
MILLIE: What the—?
MILLIE reaches down to the doorknob and slowly opens the door to the back room and is surprised to see Gayle standing there with a handful of other people. All with dead lost looks in their eyes. They appear to be having some sort of meeting.
MILLIE: Gayle! Gayle, it’s three in the morning…. What are you doing here?
Gayle doesn’t respond. Millie rushes over and shakes her by the shoulders. GAYLE shrieks and Millie falls backward in surprise. As Gayle towers over her Millie can now clearly see the dark shadow hanging above Gayle…
AMEENA, AMARI, MIKE, GAYLE, BOSSBABE AND BOSSBABE II: (all chanting) Stock Up and the Orders will Come. Stock Up and the Orders will Come. Stock Up and the Orders will Come. (chanting) Level up your Downline. Level Up Your Life. Level up your Downline. Level Up Your Life.
MILLIE: (scared) Gayle—-
Gayle spins around with a plastic fake smile.
GAYLE: Hey Hun, funny running into you here.
Then the others all turn in unison.
MIKE: Hey Hun.
AMEENA: Hey Hun.
AMARI: Hey Hun.
BOSSBABE II: Hey Hun.
BOSSBABE: Hello… again… Millie…
AMEENA, AMARI, MIKE, GAYLE, BOSSBABE AND BOSSBABE II: How would you like to become a business owner?
MILLIE: I am a business owner, Hun. And you’re not a Bossbabe. You’re a goddamn Emalema…
NARRATOR (V.O.): A CLAW forms from the darkness behind Gayle and swipes at Millie.
It misses, but it knocks over a few items. Millie shines her flashlight at the SHADOW MONSTER. It recoils.
MILLIE: (hurt but getting up) Siri, download Flashlight App
SIRI: Downloading Fleshlight App.
MILLIE: No. Come on, come on. Siri, download Spotlight App.
SIRI: Downloading Spotlight App.
We hear the sound effects from the App Store and then the flashlight finds a little bit more life in its batteries. An extreme beam of light blasts the SHADOW MONSTER right in the face.
MILLIE: Here you are, you shadow bastard. I hope you enjoy your time in the spotlight.
The light is so bright WE CAN HEAR THE LIGHT. The SHADOW MONSTER burns, shrivels and dies.
MIKE: If they would just try the product…
BOSSBABE II: (dying sounds)
BOSSBABE: (dying sounds)
MILLIE runs over to Gayle. She shines the light in her face and shakes her by the shoulders shouting
MILLIE: Wake up, Gayle! Wake up. You’ve gotta wake up, Gayle. Ally Oils is a scam. You’re not a business owner. Wake up, Gayle.
GAYLE: The market…. The market was just saturated… I…. I… Oh, hey Millie, what are you doing here?
MILLIE: Spotlight App. The light so bright you can hear it. Gonna have to remember to give them Five Stars.
GAYLE: What was that thing?
MILLIE: Gayle, I don’t mean to alarm you, but I think you might’ve been possessed by an Emalema.
GAYLE: A what?
MILLIE: An Emalema is an evil spirit that preys on folks' desire to be independent self-made business owners… A Multi-Level-Malevolent Being of pure greed. These things will do nothing, but suck you dry and not in the good way.
GAYLE: How long did it have ahold of me?
MILLIE: I don’t know. I just found you like this…
GAYLE: My eyes are burning through my skull. What time is it…?
MILLIE: It’s like four something. (beat) In the morning.
GAYLE: Four?
MILLIE: Yeah and it looks like those Emalema Spirits have been making all kinds of irresponsible and unnecessary purchases on my Credit Cards as well. If I hadn’t come in when I did, who knows what kind of balances they might’ve racked up.
GAYLE: Why did you come in so early… on your day off…?
MILLIE pauses for a beat.
MILLIE: The police called me. Said something tripped the security alarm.
GAYLE: Oh, why does it smell like Gasoline? Is that also something to do with the Emalemas too?
