INTRO: Warning, the Foundation Database is classified. Unauthorized access will result in detainment. Within this archive, you will find the procedures, descriptions, and accounts of the most notorious anomalies we’ve encountered to date. Secure. Contain. Protect.
NARRATOR: Liminal Realm Warning: Reality displacement caused by overlapping multidimensional temporal rifts have resulted in the creation of a new Liminal Realm. All Persons, Locations, Objects and Events existing within this new Liminal Realm will henceforth be filed under SCP-2FEKAF. Canonical memories may be displaced or altered. Timelines may be displaced or altered. Previously placed pizza orders may be displaced or altered.
Item Number: F-0743
Object Class: Euclid.
Special Containment Procedure: F-0743 remains contained within insurmountable and uninhabited rural farmlands and desolate highways... Unauthorized access to F-0743 is forbidden. Additional deterrents, such as ‘quicksand pits’ and ‘fake roads painted on walls’ have been strategically placed along the outer rim of F-0743.
Description: F-0743 is the collective designation for multiple anomalies occurring within a thirteen square-mile region in southwest Missouri. A green sign just outside F-0743 reads, “Welcome to Angshin Pass. Population 19,743.”
At one time staffed entirely by Foundation personnel, individuals now tasked with maintaining and protecting F-0743 are autonomous entities known as Locals. A never ending supply of these Locals are created and maintained by media censorship, ingrained fears, F-Class amnestics and revolving generational cycles. By design, Locals will have little to no access to the outside world. This allows them to retain a falsely perceived sense of independence, freedom and misplaced superiority. After time they will have little desire to travel or even understand the wider world around them.
The anomalous properties of F-0743 manifest in a variety of ways and despite decades of analysis, Foundation Researchers have yet to determine if these represent individual anomalies or if they’re simply a byproduct of F-0743’s umbrella-of-influence.
These in brief are:
SCP-████: The Ozark Howler. A ████ she-cat, tamed by the purr of a ████.
SCP-████: A practical joke-sized Garden Gnome. Colloquially known as, “Gary, the World’s Largest Garden Gnome.”
And SCP-0743-7: Bobo… the Monster of Angshin Pass… a giant man-eating anteater with a history of terrorizing the locals.
For the purposes of this report we will focus on SCP-0743-7. For more information on SCP-███, SCP-███, or SCP-███, please refer to ███.
AddendumJ,Document-0743-C: Channel 7 Local Evening News out of Branson, Missouri. April 1st 2003.
REPORTER: I’m here with a local teen who claims to have had an encounter with Bobo, the legendary nine foot tall monster Anteater of Angshin Pass. You came face to face with Bobo?
RANDY: That’s right. One afternoon, I was out throwing rocks behind the school. Just into the weeds or whatever… and I heard this thing go (wounded animal sound x3) like that… So I decided to go check it out.
REPORTER: Sounds terrifying. Must’ve been coming out of that long snout.
RANDY: Yep. Bobo had a long snout. I remember that for sure. And let’s just say… that had it not been for my kick-ass cat-like agility, I would not be here talking with you right now. Because next thing I knew Bobo was chasing me. But like she didn’t stand a chance because of how I’m so fast and all… Anteaters can go like 30 miles per hour, so I was probably going at least like 40 or 50. At first I thought it was a dog chasing me, but then I looked back and I was like, nah, that’s Bobo.
REPORTER: So, residents of Angshin Pass… is Bobo back? Or is this little kid just lying for attention?
RANDY: Hey!
REPORTER: Up next we’re talking to Bill Callahan, the man who claims to have grown the world’s largest Gourd. Yes, this is the same Bill Callahan who last year falsely claimed to have grown the world’s largest Squash. I know it’s hard to give people second chances, but-–
NARRATOR: Standard Foundation protocol calls for a full scrubbing of SCP-0743 from any known media sources, but it was determined that due to the low level of credibility of the witness, this broadcast would be left online as part of the foundation’s ongoing disinformation campaign. To quote Charles Finster, the Foundation’s Head of Compromised Communications, “No one is going to believe that dumbass little kid.”
Addendum MA, Document-0743-18: A cellphone recording of someone watching TrailCam footage on a computer monitor. Uploaded to the Weird Wilderness dot com on October 11th ███
TRAILCAM WATCHER: (on video) Oh dang. Ma! What the hell is this thing? Ma! There’s a weird little elephant-dog man on the trailcam, Ma! Come look at this. I think it might be… Bo-Bo.
NARRATOR: No one in Angshin Pass knows how or why a giant anteater came to exist in their town. For many, he’s always been there… Stalking the backroads. Lurking in the shadows of their eye-sockets.
Left with spiraling leads and questionable witness testimonies, it was determined that further research into the origins of Bobo would be necessary. So, in 2005 a team of six Foundation Research Personnel were stationed in Angshin Pass and tasked with researching and observing the anomaly known as Bobo. The team quickly bonded over their mutual love for the Post-Hardcore punk band ‘Brand New’ and gave themselves the nickname of “The Cool Kids Club.”
Less than three months later, all six members of “The Cool Kids Club” were found with mutilated faces, rotten-bloated bellies, and long, blackened and crust-covered gouges criss-crossing their bodies.
Addendum HH - Document-0743-14: A video cassette. The cassette tape itself was obtained by Foundation Researcher [████], who’d been participating in the Missouri State Adopt-A-Highway Program in his off-time. The tape was heavily damaged and had been left discarded on the side of the road.
INT./EXT. VAN - DRIVING
[The hum of a depressingly empty highway mixes with the soft glitchy static of the radio.]
RADIO AD 1: Don’t wait until addiction costs you everything… Come to Doc’s Drive-Thru and get it at a discount!
[Adjusts radio.]
RANDY: I'm just gonna say it... I don't think we brought enough Pop-Tarts.
GAYLE: Literally took the words right out of my mouth, dude.
RADIO AD 2: Don’t take a wrong turn in Wright County. For Jail release dial 777-777777777 (repeat until creepy).
[Adjusts radio.] [MUSIC](2FEKaF Theme Song via Van’s Speakers)
NARRATOR: SCP-[████] is Randy Dunning aka Randy the Rand-O. SCP-[████] is a caucasian male with no known anomalous traits. Completely unremarkable in every possible way. The following video log tracks SCP-[████]’s attempt to return to his hometown and document the existence of Bobo the Monster Anteater.
GAYLE: Are you ready for your big reveal?
RANDY: Fuck yeah I am. Wait. How did you know about that?
GAYLE: They’re gonna be super jealous of you. You’ve had ten years of growing up and glowing up and dang… I mean, you used to be hot, but now, you’re hott. I used two t’s. Could you hear?
RANDY: Please don’t embarrass me tonight.
GAYLE: I won’t. But I also know these Angshin Pass jerks aren’t ready for your jelly.
RANDY: Don’t do the thing where you start talking about how proud you are of something I do.
GAYLE: For the record, I love your Reclaimed Junk Art.
RANDY: I know. I’m a gifted and talented young man. Just not tonight.
GAYLE: Whatever you need. I’m just here for moral support, camera work and free snacks. Typical trophy wife stuff. (beat) Can I still brag about your cute butt?
RANDY: Gayle..
GAYLE: Okay, okay. I won’t bring it up. But if someone else asks about it–
RANDY: Please.
GAYLE: –I’ll just give them a knowing wink. That’s it.
RANDY: It’s weird how everything looks exactly the same, but also… way different.
GAYLE: Are we still talking about your butt?
RANDY: No, Gayle. I’m obviously not talking about my butt. I’m talking about the trees and fucking landscape and buildings and shit.
GAYLE: Oh, right. I know you told me you grew up in the middle of nowhere, but I didn’t think you meant literally the middle of nowhere. There’s nothing out here but flea markets, gas stations and apparently the world’s largest everything. We’ve got the World’s Largest Fork AND the World’s Largest Spoon.
RANDY: We passed the World’s Largest Toilet Paper Roll while you were asleep.
GAYLE: The World’s Largest Toilet Paper Roll… what? Is it usable? Because, in my opinion, for it to count it would need to be usable. Where’s the world’s largest toilet?
RANDY: Google it.
[Gayle searches.]
GAYLE: (excited) It’s in freakin’ Branson!
RANDY: No way. Let me see.
[Randy takes his eyes off the road.]
GAYLE: Now I wanna know where we can find the world’s largest—SHIT! Ahh!
[Gayle and Randy look up to see—]
NARRATOR: Illuminated only for a moment by the van’s headlights, a hideous blur of hair and legs skitters across the road.
GAYLE: Was that like… The World’s Largest Dog…? with the longest snout ever? I mean, I believe that all dogs are beautiful creatures worthy of our love and attention, but that one is a stretch. Literally.
RANDY: Gayle, that was no dog. (dramatic) That was Bobo.
GAYLE: Bobo?
RANDY: Bobo.
GAYLE: Bobo?
RANDY: Bobo.
GAYLE: I still don’t think I’m hearing it right. Bo-Bo?
RANDY: Yes, Gayle, the monster’s name is Bobo.
GAYLE: Excuse me… the Monster?
RANDY: The Angshin Pass Monster. (beat) Bobo.
GAYLE: (gasp)
RANDY: Gayle, I think it’s time I told you the truth about this little road trip of ours.. I’m not here to attend my Ten Year High School Reunion. I’m actually here to—
GAYLE: —document the existence of the Angshin Pass Monster aka Bobo and prove once and for all that the monster you came face to face with as a kid was real.
RANDY: umm.. Yeah. yeah that’s pretty much it.
GAYLE: Isn’t it so cute how we finish each other’s….?
[Gayle waits for it…]
RANDY: What? Why are you staring at me like that?
GAYLE: Nevermind. Are we gonna edit and upload the footage to Youtube?
RANDY: You think I’m gonna take a trip back to my hometown, explore the origins of my personal demons, record footage of and possibly capture a giant anteater cryptid… and NOT upload a well-edited version of the events to Youtube?
GAYLE: Right. Dumb question. (beat) So what does Bobo the Monster Anteater like to eat?
RANDY: That, Gayle, is why we need to pick up some more Pop-Tarts.
EXT. ANGSHIN PASS HIGH
[Randy and Gayle arrive at ANGSHIN PASS HIGH SCHOOL.]
BARB: Oh hey there, I’m Barb, can I help you two?
GAYLE: Yeah, we’re here for the Angshin Pass Class of [████] Ten Year Reunion.
BARB: A little early aren’t ya?
RANDY: What?
BARB: The reunion doesn’t start until eight tomorrow. You’re more than welcome to stay and help set up if– Oh, wait a sec… Now I remember you. You’re the little karate boy.
GAYLE: Excuse me, he’s a Karate man.
BARB: Oh, I’m sure he is. Are you also an Angshin Pass alumni?
GAYLE: Nope. Just here to support my full grown Karate Man husband, Randy Dunning. Did you know he also makes art from reclaimed junk?
BARB: Well that’s nice.
GAYLE: It is nice. He made a little cowboy turtle with nothing but a bunch of old nuts and bolts.
RANDY: Gayle.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY
GAYLE: This time it’s definitely recording… I think…
RANDY: Listen up, Sheeple. This is Randy Dunning. Unofficial [████] Agent Number-[████].
GAYLE: Agent Number [████] ?
RANDY: Yeah, Agent Number [████]. What?
GAYLE: Why is it your agent number if it’s just letters?
RANDY: Because it would sound weird if they called some “Agent Letter BR” or whatever.
[GHOSTLY NOISE]
GAYLE: (freaked out) Uhh… Speaking of ‘sounds weird’… did I just hear a frickin’ ghost?
RANDY: It wasn’t a ghost.
GAYLE: If it wasn’t a ghost then why did I hear someone say, “You need to get out of here…” in a spooky spectral-like way?
RANDY: Because you didn’t.
GAYLE: You’re telling me there’s a Anteater Monster named Bobo, but there’s no way I heard a ghost? Okay…
RANDY: Ghosts are just folklore and fairytales. Bobo is a real-life failed government experiment who deserves to be captured, researched upon, and possibly killed for what they’ve done to me.
GAYLE: Do I need to play the footage back for you because I’ll do it?
RANDY: I just think—
[VIDEO CUTS]
INT. TROPHY HALL
RANDY: Okay, fine. There’s a ghost too.
GAYLE: See. Told ya.
NARRATOR: When the video comes back, Randy and Gayle have entered SCP-[████], otherwise known as The Trophy Hall. SCP-[████] is a long hallway flanked on either side by glass display cases containing trophies and framed photographs of strangers who did some shit at some point in the past and now they remain stuck here… trapped by nicknames and faceless blurs on fading pictures. Disembodied arms raised in triumph. Forgotten entities, frozen in the long hallway of Angshin Pass Celebrations. Depending upon the perspective from which you’re standing, the Trophy Hall can appear to extend forever. And for some… it does just that. For more information please refer to SCP-[████]’s permanent record.
RANDY: Wanna see something cool?
GAYLE: Uh, yeah. I’m always down to see something cool.
NARRATOR: Randy leans against the glass display case and taps his finger in the direction of a Debate Team trophy. You can tell it’s a debate team trophy because there’s a little gold plastic man on top wagging his finger.
RANDY: See that?
GAYLE: (laughs) Your principal’s name was Terry Christmas.
RANDY: Yeah. Terry Christmas.
GAYLE: Are you not hearing it?
RANDY: Hearing what?
GAYLE: Nevermind.
RANDY: Did you get to the part about me yet?
GAYLE: What? [skim] (pride) Oh, babe. ‘Randy Dunning, Debate Team Equipment Manager. State Champions.’ I didn’t know you were like… a celebrity around here.
RANDY: What can I say? In Angshin Pass people know the name—-
BRYAN: –Randy freaking Dunning.
[Standing at the end of the hallway are brothers, BRYAN and BRAD MCCORKLE.]
RANDY: (nemesis) Bryan and Brad McCorkle…
BRAD: Someone said the Karate Boy was back in Angshin Pass.
BRYAN: I would’ve bet my life that you’d never show your face in this town again. (dickhead laugh) And good thing I didn’t, right? Because I’d be dead right now.
RANDY: Full disclosure, “The Chuck Norris ‘We Agree to Not Kick Other Kids’ Contract” expires at age 18. So I’m free to do whatever the fuck I gotta do.
BRAD: Chill, Karate Boy. We come in peace.
BRYAN: Yeah, so what are you guy’s filming?
RANDY: None of your business, Bryan.
GAYLE: We’re here to find the Angshin Pass Monster.
BRAD: Bobo!
BRYAN: I haven’t thought about Bobo in years… but after what happened to you, Randy, I’m sure you still think about Bobo all the time. She probably haunts your dreams. Might be giving you some waking nightmares too.
BRAD: You’re at home. Thinking you’re all safe. You close the medicine cabinet. There’s something standing behind you.
BRYAN: It’s Bobo.
BRAD: You’re asleep at night. All snuggled up and comfy under your blankets and sheets and then you feel the weight of a stranger sitting at the end of your bed.
BRYAN: It’s Bobo. (laughs)
BRAD: Remember when he claimed he could read Wingdings.
BRYAN: Who? Bobo?
BRAD: No. Randy.
GAYLE: (protective) He can read Wingdings.
BRYAN and BRAD laugh.
BRYAN: I don’t remember you.
GAYLE: Because I didn’t go to this school.
RANDY: Bryan, Brad… this is my partner Gayle.
BRYAN: You two seem perfect for each other.
GAYLE: (does not like them) Thanks. We are.
BRAD: You know, now that I think about it, I do remember hearing someone talking about seeing an overturned trash can outside the cafeteria… might be worth checking out.
RANDY: That does sound like some shit Bobo would do. Guys, to be honest, at first I thought you were just fucking with me, but I want to thank you, first your honesty and second for your bravery in bringing this information to me.
BRAD: Oh yeah, yeah. Anything for another Angshin Alum.
NARRATOR: Randy starts to walk away, but then turns back to them, crosses his arms into an X and makes a chopping gesture over his crotch.
RANDY: (under breath shit talking) Suck it.
BRYAN: (didn’t hear) What?
RANDY: Nothing. I said, Go Mustangs.
INT. CLASSROOM
RANDY: Look. Bobo droppings.
GAYLE: That’s a rock.
[Gayle picks it up.]
GAYLE: No wait. You’re right. That’s poop.
RANDY: That’s a Bobo Boo-Boo and that means this is the spot. Start stomping on Pop-Tarts. Once we get a nice even distribution we’re gonna want to get it nice and wet. Still have those extra Root Beers on you?
GAYLE: Always.
RANDY: Good. Dump ‘em out.
GAYLE: Like this?
RANDY: Perfect. We need it to be Movie Theater Floor sticky in here.
GAYLE: Got it.
RANDY: Once it’s sticky the ants will come. And once the ants come, Bobo will come. And when Bobo comes… We got ‘em.
GAYLE: How long is this supposed to take?
RANDY: Depends. She’ll only come out at night. She’s the lean and–
[CAMERA CUTS]
NARRATOR: After two hours, Randy and Gayle still wait in heavy silence with no sign of anything… until…
GAYLE: I saw we give it five more–
[BOBO MONSTER NOISE - FAR]
GAYLE: What was that?
RANDY: Bobo?
[BOBO MONSTER NOISE - CLOSE]
RANDY: (scared) ahh! It’s Bobo.
GAYLE: (scared) ahh!
[They run.]
INT. CLASSROOM
[DOOR CLOSE]
GAYLE: The good news is that anteaters have the least amount of teeth of any animal. They’re tied with a lot of other animals at zero. The bad news is that Anteaters do have these huge razor-sharp claws. And their tongues have bones and they can use their tongue like a tripod. They stick it to the ground, lift themselves up and then spin around. Claws out, just absolutely ripping the shit out of everything…
RANDY: Like a Tornado Punch?
GAYLE: Exactly. And they can also flick their tongue in and out one hundred and fifty times per minute, and—
RANDY: (annoyed) Do you know everything about Anteaters?
GAYLE: A, I work in a Pet Store. B, I’ve been subscribing to Zoobooks since before I could say the word hippopotamus.
RANDY: Okay, fair point.
GAYLE: And anteaters can move at speeds up to and including thirty-five miles per hour, and—
[Bobo busts in and immediately starts doing the claw tornado thing.]
GAYLE: (panicked/flight) Ahh! They can do the tongue thing. They can do the tongue thing.
[Video cuts]
INT. BATHROOM
[Bathroom Stall Door closes. Randy and Gayle crouch together on the toilet.]
NARRATOR: Randy and Gayle take refuge in the women’s restroom.
RANDY: Shh… shhh…
GAYLE: Did you see it spin on its tongue?
RANDY: Yeah, anteaters can breakdance. We both already knew that. Now unless you want to become Bobo’s next Boo-Boo–shhhh
GAYLE: Right-right-right… sorry.
RANDY and GAYLE: (panicked breaths)
[STRANGE BOBO NOISE - FAR]
[Bathroom door CREAKS open. Footsteps slowly cross the bathroom floor. BAM! Stall door is kicked in. It’s empty.]
GAYLE: (gasp)
RANDY: This is Freshman year all over again. Same freakin’ stall.
[BAM! Another empty stall.]
NARRATOR: The camera catches a glimpse of orange patchy fur as it passes between the crack of the stall door. The camera then pans downward to reveal a pair of Doc Martens standing just beyond the stall door.
[BOBO NOISE - FAR]
NARRATOR: The noise can be heard coming from somewhere outside the bathroom.
[The footsteps leave the bathroom.]
RANDY: Cut the camera off. Let’s get outta here.
[Video cuts]
INT. HALLWAY
[Video cuts on]
GAYLE: Randy, wait. You came all the way back here to Angshin Pass for a reason, right? You told me you came back here to eat some Brown Sugar Pop-Tarts and reveal the truth about Bobo. And Randy… we’re all outta Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop Tarts.
RANDY: No. Vetoed. We’re leaving.
GAYLE: I’m not going anywhere until I get you a clean non-blurry shot of Bobo. That kind of footage could be worth two million views. Easy.
RANDY: (big sigh) You’re right. That would get us a shit ton of views. Probably a ton of clout too.
GAYLE: So much clout.
RANDY: Let’s freaking do this.
INT. CLASSROOM
RANDY: This is Randy the Rand-o and today I’m back here in my hometown to prove to EVERYONE that Bobo the Angshin Pass monster is—
FAUX-BOBO: (trying to be scary) Right fucking here! Randy Dunning you never should have come back to Angshin Pass! (evil laugh)
NARRATOR: The camera turns to see a… well… a shittier version of Bobo entering the room. This faux-Bobo is less than a third of the size of the previous Bobo and it’s painfully obvious that this is just a guy in an old horse mascot head, but Randy—
RANDY: Throwing star.
NARRATOR: —immediately hurls a Throwing Star at Faux-Bobo and it lands just under his right clavicle.
FAUX-BOBO: (shriek) Ahh! Oww! Fuck!
RANDY: Got ‘em.
GAYLE: Do it again.
RANDY: I only had one.
FAUX-BOBO: Ehhhrrh! Dunning, you fucking dick!
[KRAAA!—the real BOBO enters the room.]
RANDY: It’s the big Bobo!
GAYLE: (panicked noises) Ahh!
FAUX-BOBO: (panicked noises) Fuuu—
NARRATOR: The camera shakes as a nine foot tall anteater enters the frame. Without hesitation, the creature slashes Faux-Bobo across his belt line… Faux-Bobo’s fake mascot head falls off to reveal the sweaty, terrified, purple-tinted face of Bryan McCorkle. His mouth pulls wide from ear to ear and for a moment it appears as if he’s going to smile, but instead he just regurgitates a mouth full of dark blood on his chest as his guts unfurl out onto the tile floor.
BRYAN: (blood gurgles) …grrlllggg Its.. Bobo?
NARRATOR: SCP-0743-7 then proceeds to devour Bryan. First, by wrapping its spiney tongue around Bryan’s bloody neck. Then slowly inhaling Bryan head first into its long snake-like snout. And I mean slowly.
BRYAN: [Being eaten alive.]
NARRATOR: As Bryan’s body moves its way further into Bobo’s digestive system, his screams become indistinguishable from the crunching cacophony of Bobo chewing Bryan’s bones.
[BOBO EATING BRYAN]
INT. HALLWAY
[Randy and Gayle are running. BOBO is close behind.]
GAYLE: Faster, Randy! I think Bobo has the Zoomies!
RANDY: I’m slow! I can’t run any faster!
NARRATOR: At the end of the hallway a door opens. A figure motions to Randy and Gayle.
BARB: In here. Come on.
NARRATOR: It’s Barb. From earlier, you remember her.
RANDY: Wait! Wait for me! Don’t shut it!
[Bobo Noises]
RANDY: (screams) Bobo!
GAYLE: Here she comes.
BARB: Watch out karate boy she’ll chew you up.
GAYLE: oooh, here she comes.
[Gayle and Randy make it to the open doorway.]
BARB: You two head down this hallway and through those double-doors. That’ll take you out the backside of the school. Loop around the parking lot and get the hell out of this town.
GAYLE: What are you going to do?
BARB: Tonight, for the first time in ten years I’m gonna feel something... I’m gonna fight a nine foot tall monster anteater.
RANDY: I wouldn’t if I were you.
BARB: I know what she can do.
GAYLE: She’s deadly!
RANDY: She could rip you apart.
BARB: Mind over matter.
[BRAVE BADASS FOOTSTEPS as Barb steps out into the hallway.]
BARB: Come on out, Bobo. (beat) Yeah. Remember me? It’s me, Barbara Greenwald. Colloquially known as your worst nightmare.
[Angry MONSTER challenge noise]
GAYLE: Awww… she’s sacrificing herself to save us.
RANDY: Nice. Let’s get out of here.
[Video cuts.]
EXT. FIELD - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER
RANDY: (running)
GAYLE: (running)
NARRATOR: When the video continues, the footage is shaky and unwatchable. Just four feet running across a field of dry dead grass, but then—
BRAD: Where’s my brother? The old Mr. Horsey-Horse costume was covered in blood… everything was covered in blood. Including this stupid little throwing star. What did you do?
GAYLE: To quote Superman, “Don’t Start No Shit. Won’t Be No Shit, Bryan.”
BRAD: (panicked) I’m Brad! Bryan is my brother.
GAYLE: First off… my freakin bad. You both have the same stupid face. And second, we’re not the reason your brother is dead.
BRAD: What are you saying?
GAYLE: It was Bobo.
BRAD: So he is dead?
[Brad closes space.]
RANDY: Back the fuck up, Brad.
[He doesn’t.]
RANDY: I said back up!
NARRATOR: Randy centers himself and then shuffles forward before clumsily delivering a sidekick, or what is more commonly known to as “The Sweet Chin Music.” A confirmed finishing move, made popular by WWE Legend Shawn Michaels. Aka the Heartbreak Kid.
[KICK to FACE]
NARRATOR: It connects hard with Brad’s dumb face. Randy and Brad both fall to the ground. It doesn’t register at first… but after a moment they realize… they’re sinking.
BRAD: Quicksand!
RANDY: (panic) No! I’m stuck! Gayle! Help!
GAYLE: Just stand up.
BRAD: Agggh!
RANDY: Go get the biggest stick you can find!
GAYLE: It’s really not that big of a deal.
NARRATOR: Randy and Brad continue to sink into the Missouri dirt.
RANDY: It is a big deal. Did y’all not have quicksand where you grew up?
GAYLE: (realizing the severity) No. Never. (beat) Hang on.
NARRATOR: Gayle leaves to find a stick… But by the time she returns, Brad has been completely swallowed up by the quicksand.
GAYLE: Where’s Brad?
RANDY: He’s gone. I can still feel him squirming in the mud below me, but he’s gone. (scared-vulnerable) Listen, Gayle, I need you to get me out of here. I can’t get stuck here. This can’t be it.
GAYLE: Grab this stick.
RANDY: No. It’s way too small. It’ll just break.
GAYLE: Just try.
[twig snaps]
GAYLE: Oh, shoot.
RANDY: You’re gonna have to grab my hand and pull me out.
GAYLE: I’m not strong enough.
RANDY: That’s bullshit. You’re the strongest person I know.
GAYLE: Aww.
RANDY: But seriously put down the camera and pull me out!
GAYLE: Right-right-right…
[Gayle sets Camera down.]
RANDY: Here.
NARRATOR: Randy manages to extend one mud covered hand.. Gayle intertwines their fingers and digs her heels in…
GAYLE: (exertion)
RANDY: (exertion)
NARRATOR: With one slimy flump… looking like the World’s Largest Piece of Shit… Randy slides out of the pit of quicksand and onto Gayle.
[RANDY and GAYLE share an EXHAUSTED LAUGH.]
INT./EXT. VAN
NARRATOR: Randy and Gayle are back in their van with the healing black asphalt humming beneath them.
GAYLE: Randy, I’m glad you were able to overcome the monsters from your childhood, but I don’t think we’ll be coming back to Angshin Pass anytime soon.
RANDY: Yeah, fuck this place.
GAYLE: What happened in Angshin Pass should stay in Angshin Pass.
RANDY: Hard agree.
GAYLE: Wanna give me one more smile before I turn this thing off? [Randy smiles.] Aww… There’s my mud-covered Karate Man.
RANDY: Thanks for getting me out of there, Gayle. I never would’ve survived without you.
[BOOP OF CAMERA CUT OFF]
NARRATOR: Additional files associated with Liminal Realm, SCP-2FEKAF include SCP-8680 and SCP-0508.
Item Number: SCP-0508
Object Class: None.
Special Containment Procedures: Ignoring Emails, Texts and Facebook Messages from old High School acquaintances. Due to the incorporeal nature of SCP-0508, physical containment is not possible, but they can be temporarily stunned by illuminating them in bright light.
Known for: Fixing wholesale and retail prices for their products, over saturating sales markets and misrepresenting potential earnings to prospective distributors. Also, Brainwashing. Wholesale Cannibalism. And general Vampirism..
Description: SCP-0508 is a Collective Financial Hivemind of Shadowbeings, known as Emalemas, or simply by the initials M-L-M.
In its true form, SCP-0508 appears to be a shadow, but they will more often than not, be in possession of a host body, actively puppeteering their movements. Not unlike the Brad Bird cinematic classic “Ratatouille.”
Research and Analysis has determined that for an Emalema’s to be able to assume control of their victim, they must first gain knowledge of its potential host victim’s name. SCP-0508 will then slowly begin to absorb their victims into what is known as a Downline. What exactly draws victims into the Emalema’s Downline is unclear. The phenomenon can be endlessly described, but never truly explained. Energy and resources harvested from each Emalema’s downline will be fed upward through a neurological chain, to an unknown Alpha Emalema.
Addendum PP, Document-0508-1: Email Correspondence. The following email transcript was obtained from [████]. This and other incantations like it, are used to lure unsuspecting, vulnerable potential victims.
DATE: [████]
FROM: [████]
TO: [████]
SUBJECT LINE: Hey Girl Hey
BODY OF EMAIL: Hey Bossbabe, I saw you were recently laid off so I wanted to reach out to you with a once in a lifetime opportunity. How would you like to start making Real Money while working from home and doing what you love? I recently became a consultant with Ally Oils and it’s been amazing! Sun with Sunglasses Emoji. We sell great products like [████] [████] and [████]. Is financial independence on your calendar this holiday weekend? Fireworks emoji. Message me anytime for more about this exciting new opportunity. Shocked face emoji. Hourglass emoji. End of Transcript
Once thought to be a creation of the The Global Occult Coalition or, GOC, the Emalemas are now known to have ancient extraterrestrial origins. All previously considered links to the GOC have been updated as inconclusive. But, I mean, come on… The GOC wasn’t that bad of a first guess. We don’t always get this stuff right. We’re only [████] after all.
As of this recording, the number of humans possessed by Emalemas in the continental U.S. alone is estimated to be at almost twenty-six million. Or roughly eight percent of the total population. That may not sound like much, but just imagine all those people sitting in a theater watching your movie. It’d be pretty crowded.
SCP-0508 will often use the influence of its hivemind to spread misinformation across human communication channels. Within the confused chaos of this dark abyss, Emalemas will not only survive, but thrive. The Agency must remain intentionally vigilant in our efforts to verify all incoming information.
In 1979, a mobile task force led by Foundation Agents Jenkins and Lemire, managed to track SCP-0508 to an abandoned strip-mall in Detroit, Michigan.
Addendum MLM, Document-0508-7: Vintage Audio File
[JENKINS and LEMIRE enter the abandoned building and attempt to lure out the Emalema.]
JENKINS: Oh, man. I just got fired. I don’t know what I’m going to do. How am I going to pay the bills?
LEMIRE: You should be so lucky. I’m stuck at a job I hate, dreaming of the day I can quit and gain some financial independence.
JENKINS: You’re saying you’d like to be in business for yourself? Maybe be your own boss?
LEMIRE: Yeah, I guess I’m saying I’d like to be my own boss.
EMALEMA: Hey there, Bossbabes. Are either of you looking for a way to take back your life from the nine to five hustle and grind?
JENKINS: Light em up!
[A Shadow-Being is ripped apart by light.]
EMALEMA: (melting witch noises)
JENKINS: (exertion noises)
LEMIRE: Open the Ecto-Vault!
NARRATOR: Using multiple pocket spotlights, aka flashlights, the MTC was able to stun and subsequently trap the Emalema. Then, after determining it was safe for travel, they transferred the Emalema into the back of a reinforced container truck where it would be temporarily held until it could be moved into permanent residence at Site-[████], a former Foundation Facility in [████].
When they arrived at [████], the container truck was filled with nothing but leggings and Essential Oils. And when questioned about the Emalema’s whereabouts, Agent Jenkins deflected the conversation into a discussion about how they could, “help the guards become their own bosses.”
Item Number: SCP-8680
Object Class: Class-E-As-Hell
Special Containment Procedures: Upon request, SCP-8680 is to be given top-notch boarding accommodations either at Foundation Site [████] or in the super secret room located in the nearest Masonic Lodge. They know which room.
Description: SCP-8680 is currently a spectral entity attached to a size 9 stone ring. The ring itself is made from a rare mineral known as Celsyphyte. Engraved into the face of the ring is a Square & Compass and the letter G. From 1642 to 1727, SCP-8680 lived as a Revolutionary Physicist and Mathematician. SCP-8680 is historically known for establishing the three laws of motion, inventing the modern telescope, displaying extreme narcissism and habitual line-stepping.
Additionally, SCP-8680 is a longstanding member of the Secret Society known as The Fraternal Order of Free and Accepted Masons or simply, The Freemasons. SCP-8680 is The Ghost of Sir Isaac Newton.
Notice of Sir Isaac Newton's death would be published on April 1st 1727, making it the first official April Fools Day joke on record — and a banger at that.
Because, actually, upon his passing from the physical realm, Newton had his soul attached to a physical inanimate object, through a process known as Transmigrational Grounding. The phrase, to “Stay Grounded” is a coded reference to a secret Masonic reincarnation ritual. Chosen Freemasons will have their passing souls ‘ground’ or attached to artifacts and objects made from Celsyphyte. Freemasons think this is some big secret they’ve been hiding for centuries, but ha-ha guys we already know. Steve told us. That guy spilled the beans on [████], [████] Celsyphyte, Reincarnation, [████] Flat Earth, Dimensional Jumping, yall’s Secret Pancake recipes, reverse chiseling... everything.
In 1992, the Foundation attempted a full-scale old school Illuminati-style infiltration of the Masonic Brotherhood. Undercover agents were dispatched to Masonic Lodges across the world. Many failed the mission by either fumbling their fingers on a Masonic Handshake Test or by incorrectly answering a Masonic Catch-Question. But Agent [████], operating under the codename Adam Pumpernickel, successfully managed to gain entry to the Grand Lodge of Missouri by telling a relatable, yet hilarious, joke about Masonic life. I believe it went something like:
“Knock, knock — Who’s there? — Water. —Water who? —What-are you traveling for? — I am in search of more light, Brother.— Same as I. — Then why didn’t you knock three times? You almost scared the shit out of me?”
I don’t get it, but the Freemasons loved that shit.
During his time inside of The Grand Lodge of Missouri, Agent [████] managed to obtain the following audio before he was discovered by Mason Guards. When his body was returned to Foundation Site-████ His left breast had been torn open. His heart had been removed. His throat was cut from ear to ear. And his tongue was torn out by its roots…
NEWTON: …without a doubt…I knew… the scrub had somehow managed to plagiarize my unpublished secret work. For years I’d been developing my own version of Calculus. And now, suddenly, he was claiming that he’d developed a Calculus. AND the bastard claimed he’d never even heard of my secret research. AND that I, Sir Isaac Newton, probably just plagiarized his recently published and widespread work. It’s ridiculous, man. Truly. He’s damn lucky I was the President of the Royal Society or we wouldn’t have even listened to his appeal on the matter. What an absolute Fucker. (beat) And then, 321 years later…it happens AGAIN. I’m in a cinema with my late guardian Dave Thomas, yes THE Dave Thomas. Dave and I were ready to enjoy Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, when a trailer for another film played on the screen… Something called “Encino Man.” Starring Brendan Fraser, Sean Astin and Pauly Shore. And written by my former colleague, George Zaloom, and his current cohort Shawn Schepps. Or at least that’s what they want you to believe. Because in reality the film, “Encino Man” had been written by me, Sir Isaac Newton. It was an epic tale about my struggle to find my place in the modern world. On the page Brendan Fraser’s character of Link was nothing more than a thinly veiled Sir Isaac Newton self-insert. “Wheezing the Juice” wasn’t just a silly bit about drinking straight from the tap… it was an homage to a very special moment shared between Dave and I… a moment I’d carefully crafted into a script... A script that years before, I’d given to my good friend George Zaloom for notes. I trusted him. George had been over for dinner at Wendy’s, we— wait a sec— Adam Pumpernickel—
[Isaac notices that Adam is wearing a wire.]
NEWTON: —is that a fucking wire you’re wearing you son of bastard?
NARRATOR: Masonic Temple Guards storm in and apprehend Adam Pumpernickel.
[Shuffle of bodies. Agent [████] is ushered away.]
NARRATOR: Six months later, a USB drive containing this audio clip arrived at Foundation Site [████], inside the hollowed-out mouth of now deceased Foundation Agent [████]. We believe it to be a warning.
[cue outro]
NARRATOR: Further investigations into Freemasonry, Sir Isaac Newton, Emalemas, Bobo the Monster Anteater, and Liminal Realm SCP-2FEKAF have been suspended until further notice.
