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Episode 11: “The Top Five Serial Killers in St. Louis”

INT./EXT. RANDY’S VAN – NIGHT [DRIVING]

RANDY is driving the VAN while GAYLE sits shotgun.  

NEWSHAM (radio): …by my count that’s the third reported Bigfoot sighting in as many weeks. This time coming from where? You guessed it… Delaware. (laughs) Which is weird because any longtime listener of The Newsham Hour knows that the Great State of Delaware is about as real as the Easter Bunny. That “state” is nothing more than a tax haven for the Elites. All you gotta do is follow the money. It always-always-always comes back to the same damn groups… The Freemasons. The Illuminati. The Jason Society. It's all hiding in plain sight! And where are they hiding it? Delaware. Peel those eyeballs, people. 

RANDY turns off the stereo and the cabin of the Van is filled with the silent humbles of highway driving.

GAYLE: Is it just me or has Newsham been a little weird lately? 

RANDY: No, it’s not just you. 

GAYLE: Maybe the Deep State had him replaced with a clone. 

VAN brakes squeak in surprise.   

RANDY: You mean like Beyonce?

GAYLE: Yeah. Exactly like Beyonce. 

RANDY: I think you might be onto something with that one.

GAYLE: Clone farm, baby.

We sit with the sound of DRIVING for a moment. 

RANDY: There’s the arch.

GAYLE: Yep, there’s the arch. 

RANDY: What’s the address again? 

GAYLE: 1109 Maple Hill Road. The Maple Hill Murder Club. 

The VAN comes to a stop in front of what appears to be a NURSING HOME. Randy double-checks the card and the sign out in front of the building. 

RANDY: One-One-Zero-Nine Maple Hill Road… yeah.. this looks like it’s the place. 

GAYLE: Yeah, no, Randy. This looks more like a Nursing Home to me.

RANDY: The Maple Hill Residential Care Facility. Hmm. Not what I expected to see either, but the address matches.  

GAYLE: Maybe it’s a joint business. Like those Taco Bell Pizza Huts. Or the Taco Bell Fitness Center. 

RANDY: (sarcastic) Just a combo Nursing Home slash Murder Club.  

GAYLE: It was just a theory. I have others. 

RANDY: This neighborhood is creepy quiet. 

GAYLE: Yeah, I know what you mean. Almost like… too quiet.  

Randy rolls the VAN window down.

RANDY: I don’t see any suspicious unmarked Vans on the street or any weirdos lurking around.  

GAYLE: Are we going in? 

INT. NURSING HOME - LOBBY / WAITING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Randy and Gayle cautiously enter the nursing home.

GAYLE: Okay, so this  is definitely just a nursing home. 

RANDY: Tell me again why we decided to do this?

GAYLE: Because we needed help with killing or knowing how to properly murder Walt. 

RANDY: One, that was meant to be rhetorical. And two, stop saying the word murder in public. 

A familiar voice speaks up from just over their shoulders.

SAMUEL: Did someone say murder?

RANDY: What? No..

GAYLE: I heard burger. (Beat) Oh, hey it’s you. 

NARRATOR (V.O.): Randy and Gayle turn to find Samuel, the creepy son of a bitch from Peterson Hardware staring back at them. In one hand he’s holding a remote. In the other he’s cradling a large bowl of popcorn. 

SAMUEL: It’s okay, folks. This is a safe space. You can say murder. See…. Murder. I said it with a capital M that time. 

GAYLE: Murder.

RANDY: Gayle.

GAYLE: He said it was cool. 

SAMUEL: It is cool. Real fucking cool. Murder. See. 

GAYLE: See. 

SAMUEL: Really glad you folks decided to show up. It   was Gayle… and… Roger, right?

RANDY: Randy.

SAMUEL: Randy. Got it. And if you don’t remember my name, it’s Samuel. But when we’re in this building just call me Sammy.

RANDY: Okay Sammy, so what’s the deal? What is this place?

SAMUEL: What are you talking about? It says right there, (whisper) …the weekly meetup of the Maple Hill Murder Club. (/whisper) Right? Let’s have some fun. Can I get you folks something to drink? 

RANDY: No.

GAYLE: Yeah.

SAMUEL: What’ll it be?

GAYLE: Got any Root Beer?

SAMUEL: Oddly specific, but you know what I think we do. Let me get you folks set up in the backroom and introduce you to the rest of the gang and then I’ll go grab that root beer for you. 

GAYLE: Thank you, Samuel. I mean Sammy.

RANDY: Sounds good. 

SAMUEL walks ahead motioning for Gayle and Randy to follow. They do.

RANDY: (whisper to Gayle) Don’t drink that Root Beer. I’m getting serious Ridgway vibes from that dude.

SAMUEL: We’re gonna be at the end of this hallway and to the left. The group is sorta midway through our typical meeting. Which is quite the lucky timing on your part. The first half of our meetings is usually when we knock out all the boring stuff. Recounting minutes. Budgetary disputes. That sorta thing. You folks got here just in time for the fun stuff. 

SAMUEL reaches the room at the end of the long hallway. 

SAMUEL: (excited whisper to Gayle) Watch this. I’m gonna scare the shit out of them. 

Sammy POUNDS on the DOOR as he enters. [DOOR OPEN]

INT. NURSING HOME ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Inside the room are two people sitting side by side. One has a puppet on his hand. 

SAMUEL: Freeze motherfucker it’s the FBI. (laughs)

[FREEZE FRAME] [ACTION SHOT] 

All the members of the Maple Hill Murder Club turn and face Randy and Gayle with inquiring eyes.

NARRATOR (V.O.): Bobby and Coco claim to have been partners since birth. Bobby does a terrible job of not moving his mouth when talking as Coco, but no one says anything… ya know, just in case the murder puppet is real. Not exactly the kind of entity you want to risk having on your bad side. Even though every member of the Maple Hill Murder Club might feel they’re the owner of this title, it is in fact True Crime Carol who is the biggest True Crime fan ever. Ever. Some people write letters to Serial Killers. Carol writes them FanFiction. Carol likes-likes Ted Bundy. True Crime Carol’s name used to be Carol Bechko, but in the Spring of 2019 she changed it to True Crime Carol. So, legally speaking, her first name is True. Her last name is Carol. And well…. you get it. 

Gayle laughs because of course she does.

COCO: Not funny, Sammy. Some of us have warrants. 

SAMUEL: Just kidding. But look I’ve brought with me the Remote.. and some popcorn 

TRUE CRIME CAROL: Perfect timing. Sammy, we need you to settle something for us. 

SAMUEL: Okay.. this sounds serious.. what is it?

TRUE CRIME CAROL: Cashew Korma-Braised Chicken Thighs or the Bell Pepper & Sour Cherry Grilled Cheese? Tied to a chair, gun to your head… which one are you picking as your last meal? 

SAMUEL: (catching up to conversation) Oh, okay, we’re talking best Purple Plate Recipes. Well… then out of those two, I’d go with the Cashew Korma-Braised Chicken Thighs, no doubt. 

TRUE CRIME CAROL: Oh my God, why did I ask you? 

BOBBY: See. See. I told you. Boom in your face, Carol.

SAMUEL: A grilled cheese sandwich is still a grilled cheese sandwich. I don’t care how much you try to church it up. 

BOBBY: Thank you! Finally! That's exactly what I said a few minutes ago. Remember!? 

COCO: It’s true. That’s exactly what he said. 

SAMUEL: …but if this is my last meal then we’re talking best Purple Plate Recipe of all time, right? And in that case I think it’s a travesty that no one brought up The Fresh Basil Fettuccine with Yellow Tomato Sauce and Roasted Peppers.

True Crime Carol, Bobby and somehow even Coco all Boo. 

SAMUEL: I don’t know why you’re booing me, Coco. You eat brains.

COCO: That was one time!

TRUE CRIME CAROL: So who are our new friends here, Sammy?

RANDY: Randy.

GAYLE: I’m Gayle. I’m the art director at NASA. 

BOBBY: (impressed) Really?

GAYLE: No. That was just a joke.

BOBBY: Oh. I don’t get it. 

BOBBY: Coco.. stop or I’m putting you back in the bag.

COCO: I’ll put you in a body bag.

BOBBY: I’d like to see you try you little piece of shit.

SAMUEL: Bobby and Coco are a Duo. And True over there is our lone wolf. Guys, I met Gayle and Randy down at the hardware store today. (Beat) And get this… they were buying shovels. Bleach. Rope. Duct Tape. And a chainsaw.

TRUE CRIME CAROL: Nice.

BOBBY: One of us. One of us. 

And somehow at the same time… 

COCO: One of us. One of us.  

TRUE CRIME CAROL: One of us. One of — Wait… no-no-no-no. Does that mean I’m not going to be the one on-call tonight?

SAMUEL: You know the rules. First timers get to jump the line. 

TRUE CRIME CAROL: Nooo. Not tonight. I’ve been waiting months for Mr. Sorrentino’s shitty old liver to fail.

SAMUEL: Yeah and just a few years ago, it was my turn and you were the wide-eyed newbie jumping the line. I’d been waiting for Mrs. Reynolds to ring Death’s Doorbell far longer than you’ve been waiting on Mr. Sorrentino. 

TRUE CRIME CAROL: Ugh. I know. But I can respect the rules while still getting to be pissed about them. I just… this was the night of Bobby and Coco’s big premiere and it was also going to be my sweet sixteenth, so I wanted to make it special. And I wanted it to be with Mr. Sorrentino. Ya know? He’s a War Hero and a Cat Groomer. And a damn good one at that. He deserves a better end than being taken out by some moist handed newbie who has no idea what they’re doing…

BOBBY: Maybe the old cat-comber will hang on for another week.

TRUE CRIME CAROL: (upset) Yeah.. maybe. I finally perfected my Death Grip.

SAMUEL: Come on, True. Have we ever run out of bodies before?

TRUE CRIME CAROL: No.

SAMUEL: That’s right. So don’t worry. There’s not a single empty bed in this place. One cool breeze could blow through here and suddenly there’ll be more than enough opportunities for everyone. And trust me… by the time you hit thirty-four, number sixteen will be nothing more than a distant memory. Keep on whistling’ past the graveyard. 

RANDY: Ugh, I hate to interrupt y’all’s little moment, but what the fuck is this place? 

SAMUEL: This, Randy, is the bi-monthly meetup of The Maple Hill Murder Club. 

RANDY: Yeah, but what does that mean?

COCO: (frustrated) Oh my God. Newbies are the worst! Bi-Monthly means twice per month. 

SAMUEL: Well, basically, we meet up to talk about True Crime documentaries we’ve watched or True Crime Podcasts we’ve listened to or True Crime books we’ve read. Sometimes someone will have a new theory they want to discuss or a new trophy they want to show off. For the most part we just sorta freeform the meetings and let the conversations take us where they want to go. And tonight… tonight is movie night.

RANDY: Oh, fun.

SAMUEL: Expecting something else?

GAYLE: No. Not at all. This sounds great.  

SAMUEL: So… if you don’t mind me asking… how did things go with your little problem from earlier? 

GAYLE: Awesome. Total… total breeze.

SAMUEL: (interested) Yeah?

GAYLE: Oh yeah. Totally buried that problem if you know what I mean.

BOBBY: I do know what you mean.

EVERYONE gives a CREEPY laugh that lasts too long. Randy and Gayle fake it. 

SAMUEL: Well, good. That’s what I like to hear.

COCO: What number is that for you?

GAYLE: Number?

BOBBY: I’m sorry. That was such an inappropriate thing for Coco to ask. You don’t have to share your kill count number with us if you’re not comfortable doing so… 

GAYLE: Se—- seven.

TRUE CRIME CAROL: Seven. Wow. Not bad. Not bad. More than Coco. (laughs)

GAYLE: What’s your number Coco? 

TRUE CRIME CAROL: (whispering) It’s only three.   

COCO: Are you going to start the movie or what? 

BOBBY: I mean I’m fine with waiting… however long this takes.

SAMUEL: Okay, I hear ya, I hear ya. Mr. Hollywood over here is ready for his closeup. 

Samuel sets down the popcorn and turns on the TV. 

SAMUEL: Tonight’s feature presentation, “Beheaded at the Dragon Park.” Now, as you all know, tonight is the Seventh Anniversary of the Slayings at Dragon Park. 

SAMUEL: And in honor of the cold case, Unsolvable Mysteries has released a new documentary analyzing the evidence and stories behind the killings. They’re hoping it might generate new leads or point to new suspects. They’ve even offered a twenty-five thousand dollar reward for information.

TRUE CRIME CAROL: Ooh, you know that could take a chunk out of my student loans.

COCO: Don’t you dare!

SAMUEL: True has a point, Coco. That is a lot of money…

COCO: You wouldn’t! 

True Crime Carol and Sammy laugh. 

TRUE CRIME CAROL: Chill. No one’s gonna say anything. 

BOBBY: I’m actually with Coco on this one. I don’t think it’s a nice thing to joke about. 

SAMUEL: Okay. Okay. Bobby and Coco, it’s your big night. Not everyone gets a Neffix Documentary made about them. You should be proud. This is your moment.

COCO: Yeah?

TRUE CRIME CAROL: Yeah, if anything Sammy and I are just jealous. 

BOBBY: Do you really mean that?

SAMUEL: Big time, Bobby. Big time. You’re the real deal. 

BOBBY: I guess I’m just kinda nervous.

SAMUEL: Oh, you should be. This documentary could completely ruin your life. So without further ado…

Samuel presses PLAY and we hear the THEME MUSIC for the documentary series “Unsolvable Mysteries” as a photo of a black silhouette and question mark fills the screen.

UNSOLVABLE MYSTERIES HOST: Just two weeks before Christmas 2015, thirty-three year old long-haired long-haul truck driver, Spencer Conway, pulled over at a rest stop off Interstate…  

[midroll]

INT. MURDER CLUB ROOM

UNSOLVABLE MYSTERIES HOST: …the killer’s victims were all completely drained of blood…

GAYLE: You know I think I need to just step outside for a moment…

SAMUEL: Lock the door on your way out please.

GAYLE: Sure thing.

Door OPEN and CLOSE.

UNSOLVABLE MYSTERIES HOST: Both Homicide Detectives investigating the case and the media covering it have started referring to this anonymous killer as the The Road Killer. 

COCO: The fucking what? 

UNSOLVABLE MYSTERIES HOST: The Road Killer is unskilled. Probably self-taught. Their work is sloppy, derivative and lacking any sense of passion. They’re getting frustrated with the lack of recognition from the National Media… they’re starting to make some mistakes…  

COCO: Fuck this. Turn it off. 

SAMUEL pauses the documentary. 

SAMUEL: When did they start calling you The Road Killer?

BOBBY: Fucking never.

RANDY: Why are you getting so mad? It's just a movie. 

BOBBY: Just a movie!?!? This is who you bring here, Samuel?

SAMUEL: He seemed cool. I’m sorry.

RANDY: I don’t know why you two want to get heated with me, but at this point I’m legally required to inform you that I’m—

COCO: I knew it!

RANDY: —A 9th Degree Black Belt TaeKwonDo Grand Master. And I can kick everyone’s ass in this room. (Beat) If I need to.

TRUE CRIME CAROL: No one needs to kick anyone’s ass or cut anyone’s head off. Bobby, I’m sorry they fucked up your Monicker, but you have a Neffix Documentary adaptation of your crimes…. That’s special. Not a lot of people can say that. Hell, most people never even follow through on their murder plans. And you did. I’m proud of you. And you too, Coco.

SAMUEL: We’re all very proud of you. Right, Randy? 

RANDY: Excuse me. Wait… so like… this guy kills people for real for real. 

TRUE CRIME CAROL: No. Randy. Don’t be stupid. We all kill people for real for real. Bobby’s the only one who does it with so much blood. 

SAMUEL: And so much passion. It’s like an art form. 

BOBBY: It’s not me really. That’s just what happens when you cut someone’s head off. 

SAMUEL: But still. The way you do it is impressive.

BOBBY: Thanks, Sammy.

SAMUEL: No problem, pal. I love you. And I love your art. 

A walkie-talkie alters.

ORDERLY (on walkie-talkie): Hey gang, we just got word that Mr. Hinkle is a Code Blue in Room 242. We don’t know exactly when, but he’ll probably be passing sometime tonight and we haven’t been able to reach any of his family. 

SAMUEL: Say less. We’ll head over right away.

ORDERLY (on walkie-talkie): Thanks, Sammy. 

BOBBY: I get to cut Mr. Hinkle’s head off.

SAMUEL: No way. That’s out of the question.

BOBBY: Why not?

SAMUEL: That’s not the way it works around here.

BOBBY: My special night has been completely ruined by a shitty Neffix Adaptation. The only thing, and I mean the only thing, that will make this night better is if I get to cut Mr. Hinkle ’s head off. 

SAMUEL: You know we can’t do that, Bobby. What if we got you some T-Ravs instead? 

BOBBY: Okay.. I’m listening…

SAMUEL: True Crime Carol… can you walk our newbies through the initiation ceremony and help them out in Mr. Hinkle’s room? Show them the ropes and all that.

TRUE CRIME CAROL: Yeah I can show them the ropes.… Let’s roll. (beat) Where’s the other newb?

INT. STAIRWELL 

Gayle is totally lost and has somehow ended up in a stairwell.

Sounds | Door Push

GAYLE steps out of the Maple Hill building and the heavy door closes behind her.

Gayle is approached by a Strange Woman with voided eyes… its AMARI. She looks and sounds a bit different than every other time we’ve seen her. 

AMARI: Hi, I’m Amari with Ally Oils and I have an exciting new opportunity I’d love to share with you. What’s your name? 

GAYLE: It’s Gayle. I’m the art director as NASA.

INT. NURSING HOME HALLWAY

TRUE CRIME CAROL: What’s it like working with a partner?

RANDY: It’s…. uh… chill I guess. 

TRUE CRIME CAROL: Chill. Yeah, I figured it’d probably be more chill than working solo. Someone there to watch your back or carry the legs. I’d love to find a partner, but it's just hard to find someone these days (beat) who you can talk to about serial killers and their crimes. It’s not easy. So kudos to you two. 

The pair walk in silence for a few steps. TRUE CRIME CAROL sees an open door and gets excited. 

TRUE CRIME CAROL: Give me a second. I need to say hello to a friend. 

True pops her head in the door. An old man sits on the bed watching muted Baseball highlights on TV. 

TRUE CRIME CAROL: Hey there, Mr. Sorrentino… How are we feeling today? Hopefully strong, but not too strong. (laughs) (whisper) Thanks for hanging in there another day for me. I promise I’ll make it special. 

Mr. Sorrentino never responds or even looks at True Crime Carol.… she starts to tip-toe into the room…

TRUE CRIME CAROL: (thinks he’s asleep) Mr. Sorrentino? (thinks he’s dead) Mr. Sorrentino?

Mr. Sorrentino COUGHS.

TRUE CRIME CAROL: Oh, thank God.

TRUE CRIME CAROL adjusts the radio until they find a station playing an Italian singer.

TRUE CRIME CAROL: See ya soon, Pal.

TRUE CRIME CAROL exits the room and motions for Randy to continue following her down the hallway. 

INT. NURSING HOME ROOM 242 - MOMENTS LATER

Randy and Carol make it to ROOM 242. 

TRUE CRIME CAROL: There he is …are you ready?

RANDY: I can’t do this.

TRUE CRIME CAROL: Listen. I know you’re nervous… but do you see that man laying in that bed over there?

RANDY: (scared) Yeah.

TRUE CRIME CAROL: I know he’s not nervous. If anything he’s excited. Because tonight you’re gonna help send him home.

RANDY: What…. What do I do? I don’t have a knife. And I didn’t bring my Chainsaw.

TRUE CRIME CAROL: Chainsaw? (laugh) What would you need a Chainsaw for?

RANDY: For the uhh… the uhh… Yerrrnnn Spppllluusshh arrrgghhhh gguguugu…

TRUE CRIME CAROL: No, Randy. No Chainsaws. No Knives. Those two bare hands of yours are all you’re gonna need.

RANDY: I can’t… I can’t do this… I can’t kill someone. 

TRUE CRIME CAROL: Calm down. It’s not that big of a deal. Mother Nature’s gonna be doing most of the work for you. All you have to do is sit with Mr. Hinkle tonight and hold his hand. And then… at some point you’ll feel that shake of Death rattle through his palm…

RANDY: I just hold his hand?

TRUE CRIME CAROL: That’s all you’ve gotta do. And once you feel Mr. Hinkle start to slip away… just give that hand a little squeeze and then Kapow… you’ve got another notch on your belt. 

RANDY: What? 

TRUE CRIME CAROL: It means you get credit for the Kill. 

RANDY: So just to be clear I don’t have to cut anyone’s head off.

TRUE CRIME CAROL: Why would anyone ever want to cut someone’s head off? We were just being nice to Bobby and Coco back there. What they do… cutting people’s heads off… it’s not art. It’s overkill. Real Murder Artists just get in and get out as quick as possible. Rack up those numbers, baby. But with that being said… when you’re holding Mr. Hinkle’s hand and he starts to slip into the nether realm… make sure he can feel it. Make sure he knows you’re there. (Beat) So… are you ready?

INT. / EXT. DUNNING VAN [DRIVING] - NIGHT

Randy and Gayle are driving home. Randy looks exhausted and Gayle looks energized, but neither one looks all the way there.… 

On the Stereo we hear KAREN’S appearance on DEATH ROW’S GOT TALENT with Pete and Peter.

KAREN (on radio): I can wiggle my ears. Is that five yet?

PETER (on radio): You’ve listed Four secret talents so far… so you just need one more.

KAREN (on radio): Uh… this is hard, y’all.

PETE (on radio): Don’t overthink it. It could be something as easy as Farting on Command or Crying on Command. Bonus points if you can do both at the same time.

KAREN (on radio): Okay. Okay. I think I’ve got it. My fifth and final secret talent is that I’m great at Keeping Secrets.

PETER (on radio): Now that’s a great answer. Pete can we get some applause or something? [Applause SFX]

RANDY: There’s the arch. 

NARRATOR (V.O.): There’s the arch. (beat) Gayle didn’t say it. She always says it. What the fuck is that about?  

PETE (on radio): Our next question comes to us from user IttyBittyDoggieBody. 

KAREN (on radio): (laughs) Oh my god. Great name. 

PETER (on radio): See… that’s what I told Pete when we were making all these fake names and audience questions up…

PETE (on radio): Okay so, user, IttyBittyDoggieBody, aka Me, asks, have you ever been put in handcuffs and if so, what for?

PETER (on radio): And we’ve already googled Karen Dunning plus Mugshot so don’t try to lie. (laughs)

KAREN (on radio): Was it the mugshot from Tennessee or the one from South Dakota?

Computer Clicks.

PETER (on radio): Uhh… it was… from Florida actually.

KAREN (on radio): (laughs) Oh wow, I forgot about that one. That was trespassing on private property. It was a beach so… ya know… its a free country… whatever. 

PETE (on radio): I was doing some digging and happened to find another interesting Mugshot in the Florida database… Do you recognize the name Rosemary Dunning?

KAREN (on radio): (caught off guard) Uhh… yeah… So… you found my Mom, huh?

Randy immediately cuts off the stereo.

RANDY: Cool if we listen to the new Skinwalkers album?

NARRATOR (V.O.) Gayle doesn’t respond. Instead she just looks straight ahead with a fictitious smile cutting from ear to ear.  

Randy puts on music. It plays low in the background, scoring the scene. 

GAYLE: (kinda hollow) Hey, hun. You like working for yourself and making an impact on the world, right?

RANDY: (weirded out) Uh, sure. Who doesn’t? 

GAYLE: Well, what if I told you that I had an exciting opportunity that could change your life?

RANDY: We already tried the fishtank video.

GAYLE: I’ve just been thinking about how much I love being a business owner. 

RANDY: I might’ve killed a man tonight. I’m not in the mood to joke around. 

GAYLE: Well I know one killer way for you to get the most out of your Springtime Style!

INT. DUNNING-KRUGER HOME - BEDROOM - 3AM

RANDY’s face is bathed in the glow of the computer screen. He’s looking into a camera setup and recording a VLOG. He looks and sounds defeated, lost and confused.  

RANDY: (depressed)… you ever get into a situation because you think you’re doing the best thing for yourself… no… the best thing for the entire world… but once it gets started you realize it was all a huge mistake? Next thing you know, too many people are counting on you to follow through so you can’t just quit, and you can’t stop because there’s no way to wipe the slate clean. The slate will never be clean again because I fucked up the slate. (beat) I don’t know. I’ve just been in a really dark place lately… don’t forget to like and subscribe…