KAREN (on video): …Conspiracy Con was a killer good time… I can’t tell you just how thankful I was for everyone who came up to me and had such nice things to say about the show. Ugh… I wish I could go back. We met so many fabulous people while we were in Kansas City. I think it was announced on Twitter so you’re probably already aware, but Pete and Peter from the True Crime Podcast, “Death Row Has Talent,” were kind enough to invite me on to record an episode with them. It was an absolute blast. If you’re into respectful True Crime Comedy then this is the pod for you. Pete and Peter are both just so witty and hilarious and the cases they cover are really-really well-researched. They make discussing the gory, disturbing details of Serial Killers, their crimes and the intimate lives of their victims, so entertaining and so much fun. Don’t forget to check it out. And while you’re at it, leave yourself a reminder to pre-order my memoir slash cookbook, “The Sky’s the Limit.” Not only will you get all the exclusive locker room talk from my days as Crash Bandicooties, legendary Blocker for the six-time Flat Track Roller Derby League Champion, St. Louis Muck Slingers… you’ll also get my epic recipe for something I like to call… “Dog Shit Pie.” Don’t worry, it's Chocolate. It’s Vegan friendly. And it’s delicious.
(pause/tone shift)
KAREN (CONT’D): Before I end the stream today I want to give a special shout out to the people who are constantly posting about secret projects, but never actually releasing any content. Y’all really are out here doing the most. (beat) I’m Karen and this has been Heliocentric Fantasies with Karen.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Two Flat Earthers Kidnap a Freemason. Episode Ten, My First Time Using a Chainsaw
EXT. DUNNING-KREUGER HOME BACKYARD - MORNING
RANDY and GAYLE are both on their hands and knees digging a hole. A SHOEBOX sits a few feet away from them. We hear HAND SHOVELS hit the DIRT.
GAYLE: You know, Randy… I’m starting to think Walt isn’t a real Freemason-Freemason.
RANDY: Yeah, I’ve started to think that too…
GAYLE: So what should we do? Can we just open the cage door and hope he leaves?
RANDY: Too risky. He might still be upset about us locking him up and may not be willing to forgive and forget. (beat) Hmm… forget… forget… If only there was some way of erasing his mind… (aha!) maybe I could… no…no, that would probably just kill him.
GAYLE: Speaking of… do you think there’s a chance we’ll have to (not-quiet whisper) murder him?
RANDY: Jesus effin’… don’t say that out loud… in public.
GAYLE: This isn’t public. This is our yard. That’s what you’re always shouting at the neighbors.
RANDY: Gayle you need to realize that what we’re doing is very dangerous and highly sensitive. Anyone could be listening at any time. NSA. CIA. FBI. The DNC. OOPS. Freemasons. The Jason Society. The Whiteboys. The Phone Company. Jeff Bezos. The Cops. Anyone.
GAYLE: Have we gone deep enough yet?
RANDY: No. If you follow the money it always goes deeper.
GAYLE: No, I mean the hole. Is the hole deep enough yet?
RANDY: Let’s see.
Randy picks up the shoebox and sets it in the hole to find that it is nowhere near deep enough yet. This Iguana Funeral will have to wait.
RANDY: (cont’d) Nope. Looks like we’ve still got a little way to go.
GAYLE: Can you imagine how long it’s going to take us to dig one for him?
RANDY: (like remember don’t talk about it) Him, who?
GAYLE: Him Walter… The Freemason. I’m talking about when we have to… (slash motion) scrreeeett… ya know…
RANDY: I just said don’t say anything.
GAYLE: Sorry, I meant… the other really big bald iguana we have inside. That if it dies… we might need a bigger hole than what would work for an Iguana of this size.
RANDY: You know what? This time, Gayle, you're absolutely right. I think we’re long overdue for a trip to Peterson Hardware.
INT. PETERSON HARDWARE - DAY
RANDY and GAYLE wheel a CART with a down the aisles of a Hardware store, PETERSON HARDWARE. A soundscape of BEEPS, BOOPS, and CUSTOMERS.
GAYLE: Think we’ll need a Chainsaw?
RANDY: Can’t hurt. How much are they charging for chainsaws these days?
GAYLE picks up the CHAINSAW.
GAYLE: Whoa. Only two hundred bucks. And we can always return it when we’re through.
RANDY: We’ll probably need to clean it up afterward.
GAYLE: Well, of course.
NARRATOR (V.O.): An employee of Peterson Hardware approaches Randy and Gayle. His smile cuts wide from ear to ear, but something evil remains behind his cold dead eyes… leaking darkness into bags just beneath them. This is Samuel. Samuel is a fucking weirdo.
SAMUEL: Hey there, my name’s Samuel. Can I help you folks find anything?
GAYLE: Hi. Samuel, I was just wondering what’s your return policy on this chainsaw? You know, like, if it gets damaged or something.
SAMUEL: Depends on how the damage occurs.
GAYLE: What if it was in self-defense?
SAMUEL: Excuse me?
RANDY: We’re good. Go make your commission somewhere else, pal.
SAMUEL: Right, well I’ll leave you to it.
SHOPPING CART rolls along down the aisle.
RANDY: Ooh, check out this shovel. Fuck yeah, baby. Now that’s a shovel.
Randy spins a FANCY SHOVEL like its a lightsaber then passes it to Gayle.
GAYLE: Ooh, you’re right. This is a fancy shovel.
RANDY: Right? I’m telling ya… (beat) Should we get two?
GAYLE: If we’re both gonna be digging I don’t want to spend the entire time fighting over who gets to use the good shovel.
Randy grabs a second FANCY SHOVEL from the shelf.
RANDY: Can you slide the bleach and the duct tape over this way? Just need to make a little more room in the cart for…
GAYLE: Yeah, just… one sec… I gotcha… there we go.
RANDY puts the shovels into their CART.
GAYLE: We’ll probably need a tarp… and maybe some rope?
INT. HOME GOODS & HARDWARE STORE - A FEW MOMENTS LATER
GAYLE and RANDY on the Rope aisle.
GAYLE: Hmm. I’m stumped. All these ropes look like good ropes to me?
RANDY: Well, (pause) hmm… the first thing you wanna look for is the dexterity of its thread and the relative density of its fibers. That’ll determine its knottability.
SAMUEL suddenly appears behind them.
SAMUEL: Hey there, Folks. Are we still doing okay?
RANDY: Not much different than the last time you asked. Fifteen minutes ago.
GAYLE: Actually, we had some questions about your selection of rope. Which one of these ropes has the highest grade of knottability?
SAMUEL: Knottability?
RANDY: Yeah… knottability. How easily rope can be knotted together. Come on, guy, watch a How Its Made video.
SAMUEL: Right. Well… I guess to determine which rope would be right for you we’ll need to know what kind of project you’ve got in mind for this rope.
MUSIC | Cue Dark Ominous Scoring
SAMUEL: (CONT’D) Judging from the other items I see in your basket it looks like… well… to be honest, it looks like you’re gonna need the Jenkins Big Boi rope. Strong enough for a man, but made to tie down a Christmas Tree.
SAMUEL pulls out a few feet of rope.
SAMUEL: Here. Give it a tug.
GAYLE: That is strong.
SAMUEL: See what I mean. Let me know if you need anything else.
GAYLE: Thank you for your help, Samuel.
RANDY: (sarcastic) Yeah, thanks. We really needed you to point to the most expensive rope and say it was the best rope.
SAMUEL: In my experience, when it comes to certain jobs, cutting corners could cost you years in the long run. (beat) This seemed like it might be one of those jobs.
Samuel starts to walk away, but then turns back around. He pulls a SMALL CARD from his pocket and hands it to Randy.
SAMUEL: Here. For you.
RANDY: The fuck is this?
SAMUEL: If you ever need a safe space to hang out and just be your true self.
And with that SAMUEL the creepy store clerk walks away.
GAYLE: What’s it say?
RANDY: The Maple Hill Murder Club.
INT. DUNNING-KREUGER - BASEMENT - DAY
WALT sits alone in his cage. We hear the sound of singing. It’s Sir Isaac NEWTON unsurprisingly with the pipes.
NEWTON: Let us drink laugh and sing, our wine has a spring. Be Merry and put a Bright Face On. Be a free and accepted Mason.
WALT: (half awake and upset) Shut up.
NEWTON: Ah, Walter you’re awake.
WALT: What is it, Isaac?
NEWTON: I’ve updated my catalog of sins. Would you like to hear it?
WALT: No, Isaac actually, I’d rather you——
NEWTON: Sir Isaac Newton’s Catalog of Sins. (pause) Making a feather while on Thy day
WALT: Are you serious?
NEWTON: Now you’ve gone and interrupted me. I’ll have to start over. Sir Isaac Newton’s Catalog of Sins. (pause) Making a feather while on Thy day, o’ lord. Then denying that I made it. Using the word God openly and without remorse. Using the word bastard openly and without remorse. Using the word fuck-face openly and without remorse. Refusing to return at my mothers command. Threatening my mother and step-father to burn them alive in their home. Wishing death on many and hoping it truly comes for some. Having unclean thoughts and dreams. Punching my sister. Stealing my mother’s plums and sugar. Shooting a crossbow in the general direction of my grandmother. Calling Dorothy Rose a jade. Calling Dorothy Rose a Swill-Belly. Calling Dorothy Rose an Arseworm. Not living according to my belief. Not loving Thee for Thy self. Calling Dorothy Rose a fuck-face. Not turning to Thee for my affections. Using unlawful means to bring about distress in the life of Arthur Storer. Caring for worldly things. Beating Arthur Storer within an inch of his life. Dancing with Dorothy Rose in an unfit manner. Rude comments directed at Master Clarke as he buttered a piece of bread. Gluttony. Peevish Idle discourse. Burning all of Robert Hooke life’s work to ashes. And finally… kicking my sister.
WALT: Is that all?
NEWTON: For now. Though I suppose I can’t get in too much trouble in my current state. Especially with it being your finger inside me.
WALT: Can you please not phrase it that way?
NEWTON: We’ve been through this, man. You may not want to consider what you’re doing as ‘fingering’ me, but I’m sure as shit wrapped around your finger… aren’t I? You know the first man who fingered me was—George Washington.
WALT: George Washington. Yes, we all know about George Washington.
NEWTON: I was once worn by hands capable of leading a revolution and founding an entire country… and now I spend my days being fingered by a man who works in… (beat) what was it again?
WALT: Human Resources.
NEWTON: Human Resources. It sounds as if you spend your days churning the crank of a people grinding machine.
WALT: That’s not too far off the mark, actually..
NEWTON: Well then, you must have many sins for which to atone… When was the last time you updated your Catalog of Sins, Walter?
WALT ignores NEWTON.
NEWTON: Here I’ll even get you started. You’ve been quite a shit friend to me.
EXT. DUNNING-KREUGER HOME - FRONT YARD - SAME
RANDY and GAYLE cross the front yard, their arms are wrapped around their new purchases attempting to carry them all in one trip.
GAYLE: Are you sure you’ve got it?
RANDY: Yeah, I’m good. Just get the door.
GAYLE: Let me just grab one of these shovels. They’re about to fall.
RANDY: No. Don’t touch anything. Everything is in perfect harmony.
SOMETHING falls off and hits the ground.
RANDY: Except that thing.
GAYLE runs ahead and opens the door for Randy. We hear a crash as he collapses in the living room.
GAYLE is still standing outside the home on the porch when she’s greeted by her neighbor AMEENA LIU. AMEENA (60+), is a charismatic wisecracker, but always a little too interested in what her neighbors are doing.
AMEENA: Oh, hey Gayle. I’m glad I saw you… I was just catching up on the BB Live Feeds and you will not believe what Jonathan said about Adam in DR.
GAYLE: The dude who thinks dogs can laugh?
AMEENA: No, that’s John.
GAYLE: Ugh. I hate John. I hope he gets evicted this week.
AMEENA: Well… you might just get your wish. The live feeds have been wild this morning.
GAYLE: Is the house actually going to flip on the CherryBomb Queens?
AMEENA: Maybe…
GAYLE: Ah, no don’t tell me.
AMEENA: You need to watch the Live Feeds.
GAYLE: I know. I know.
Suddenly, RANDY steps back out the front door
RANDY: We don't have time for this… I need you in there setting up the camera.
RANDY slams the door.
GAYLE: Guess, I gotta go... record some stuff.
AMEENA: oooh…
GAYLE: Not like that.
AMEENA: Shoot girl, you’re his wife. Make it like that.
INT. DUNNING-KREUGER - BASEMENT - DAY
BASEMENT DOOR OPENS
RANDY: One last chance… you ready to talk, Freemason?
WALT: What is it you want to talk about?
RANDY: You know exactly what I want to talk about.
WALT: The Secret Knowledge is it?
RANDY: (bingo) The secret knowledge.
WALT: Right, well, as I’ve told you many times, there isn’t any secret knowledge. The secrecy schtick is just a recruiting tool or bonus. Our ceremonies are just boring repetitive rituals followed by unnecessarily expensive meals. I’m sorry. I know it’s not what you want to hear. And it's definitely not an answer worthy of an abduction, but that is the truth. I swear.
RANDY: (angry sigh) No, shut up. You expect me to believe that’s it? That’s all? Centuries of dudes just hanging out and shooting the shit. I’m not stupid okay.
WALT: I never claimed you were.
RANDY: Do you realize what’s happening here? What I’m about to be forced— what we’re about to be forced to do to you?
GAYLE: Walt, just tell us what you know. I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out…
RANDY: Fuck this.
RANDY storms off. When he gets to the basement door, he stops and turns…
RANDY: I gave you a chance. It didn’t have to come to this.
WALT: Come to what?
Randy exits the basement with a door-slam.
WALT: Gayle, you know I’m not an evil person.
GAYLE: I’m sorry, Wally. I wish there was something I could do.
WALT: But there is! All you have to do is open the cage. Let me out and I promise I’ll just walk away and forget all about this… Gayle… please….
GAYLE looks down in shame.
GAYLE: I don’t know… I can’t turn my back on an alliance member.
NARRATOR (V.O.): The basement door swings open to reveal Randy, outfitted head to toe with trash bags, goggles, gloves, duct tape. He’s also holding a Chainsaw.
WALT: Fuuuuuucccking hell.
RANDY: I’ve never actually used a chainsaw before so I feel like I need to pre-apologize for how long this might take.
Randy tries, unsuccessfully, to start up CHAINSAW.
RANDY: (frustrated) Come on you freakin’ piece of shit.
GAYLE: You look ridiculous.
RANDY: You look ridiculous. Have fun washing a shitload of blood out of your hair. It does not come out easy. Especially when it's someone else’s blood. Trust me.
WALT: Whose blood? My blood?
RANDY: What other blood would we be talking about?
GAYLE: Are you kidding me? I need to lay down some newspaper or some plastic, a tarp or… Oh my god we forgot the tarp. It's going to be impossible to clean up… oh my god… oh my god…
RANDY: Gayle, forget about the carpet. When we’re done here everything’s getting burned to the ground.
The CHAINSAW finally starts. It continues to cut off throughout scene.
RANDY: Yeah, there we go. Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh.
Randy makes whooshing noises as he swings the CHAINSAW around in the air. Gayle approaches Walt’s cage.
GAYLE: Wally….
WALT: Gayle? Gayle, what’s going on? You know you don’t have to do this.
GAYLE: I just want to let you know that I really enjoyed our time watching Big Bubba together and no hard feelings for what we’re about to do to your body.
WALT: Listen to me. Please. I won’t say anything. Who are Randy and Gayle? I don’t know. Never heard of those people in my life.
GAYLE: I wish it were that easy. I wish I could just wipe your brain like your handlers did, but Randy and I haven’t figured out the technology for something like that yet so… Gotta do what you gotta do, right?
WALT: I know that sometimes the world is a scary and confusing place and you want to just find someone or something to blame all of your problems on. You need to find a reason why the universe seems to always be working against you… But I’m not that person… and the Freemasons aren’t those people.
RANDY: (to WALT) Shut the fuck up you Illuminati be-yotch.
WALT: Hey! I am not an Illuminati be-yotch.
RANDY: We’ll see about that. (to Gayle) Grab his arm, Gayle.
GAYLE reaches for his arm. WALT recoils.
WALT: Stop.
GAYLE: Give it here.
WALT: No!
GAYLE: Please.
WALT: No!
RANDY: Have it your way.
RANDY sticks the chainsaw in-between the bars. WALT cowers as far away as possible. It doesn’t quite reach him.
RANDY: This blade on this baby is eighteen inches. I can reach you from anywhere. It’s time to start talking, Wally.
WALT: There are no real secrets to share, man! I don’t care what you’ve read or watched or what’s been whispered to you… Freemasons aren’t evil. We’re not some nefarious group bent on world domination. We’re just trying to help each other become better people. That’s it. That’s all.
RANDY: I’ve heard all of this before. What is this… some standard response your handlers tell you to say when you’re being interrogated…?
WALT: I don’t have any handlers. I don’t have any secret powers. My biggest secret is that I hate my life and I feel like I wasted my best years ignoring the people around me while I tried to write a book no one was even going to read.
[Chainsaw winds down]
WALT: I mean… If I were some important Freemason don’t you think someone would have come to rescue me by now? If I were holding onto some secret knowledge capable of changing the world… Do you think I’d be living alone in some depressing studio apartment in godforsaken Missouri of all places?
NARRATOR (V.O.): Randy’s thoughts are spinning with mental gymnastics, but he’s realizing for the first time… he might’ve made a mistake.
RANDY: …so you really don’t know anything. You’re just some regular Joe fucking nobody who I kidnapped… and now have locked in my basement?
WALT: That’s exactly what I’m saying, Randy. I’m no one. And I don’t know anything.
RANDY: (paranoid) No, that’s impossible. You’re fucking lying again.
WALT: Please let me out of this cage.
RANDY turns to leave the room.
RANDY: Come on, Gayle.
GAYLE follows after him.
GAYLE: I’m sorry, Wally.
WALT: Gayle, please. I won’t say anything I swear!
