[A Jeep pulls up to a big old house. It’s isolated and quiet.]
NARRATOR (V.O.): Malcolm Kirkpatrick is the kind of man who gets the job done. That’s what people always say about him. They choose to ignore his methods…
MAC: Now would you look at that? All the No Trespassing signs match the ones on Google Street View.
[Heavy feet crunch across gravel.]
NARRATOR (V.O.): A few short weeks ago the longtime recluse Daniel Downripple went public with his intention to publish a tell-all expose on what he referred to as the Industrial Space Complex. Books containing wild claims about the government aren’t new or even uncommon. They fill library shelves across the world. The difference here being that Downripple, due to his previous access to classified materials, might actually have the credentials and evidence to back up his claims.
[Mac KNOCKS on the door.]
NARRATOR (V.O.): Nervous fingers poke through the blinds and bend them into a wide peephole. A surprised shock white face stares back at Malcolm.
MAC: Hello, Mr. Downripple. How are you doing today?
[MAC waves and immediately the BLINDS close.]
DOWNRIPPLE: Fuck off! I’m not buying any magazines…
MAC: No, it’s about your book. I’m with Rope & Hammer.
NARRATOR (V.O.): The door creaks open to reveal the rest of Daniel Downripple. He looks exactly how you’d imagine a reclusive former astrophysicist to look… which is to say… sexy as a mother fucker. Just kidding. He looks like shit.
DOWNRIPPLE: So, you’re with the Publishers?
MAC: Yes, that’s right. I’m here on behalf of Rope & Hammer.
DOWNRIPPLE: Ah. Why didn’t you say so… Come in. Come in. Hopefully, you’re here to deliver a few more bags of money.
MAC: Unfortunately, I’m without bags of money.
[MAC follows DOWNRIPPLE inside. DOWNRIPPLE brings a cup of COFFEE to the table and sets it in front of MAC.]
DOWNRIPPLE: Here you are.
MAC: Ah, thank you. Thank you. That’s lovely.
DOWNRIPPLE: I found some old photos I thought might make a nice addition to the book.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Downripple slides a manilla folder across the table to Mac in a way that suggests he’d been waiting a long time for the chance to slide a mysterious manilla folder across a table to a stranger in a suit.
MAC: Hmm.. Doesn’t look like it has much to do with the Industrial Space Complex. Looks to me like a bunch of—
DOWNRIPPLE: Lycanthropes. Wolf-walkers. (beat) Werewolves. I have reason to believe that they’re also somehow tied up in all this Fake Moon Landing business…
NARRATOR (V.O.): Downripple watches as Mac continues to look over the pictures with bored apathy. He turns them from left to right as if some hidden picture within the picture might suddenly appear.
MAC: What’s led you to believe something like that?
DOWNRIPPLE: I’ve recently come into possession of certain evidence which seems to suggest that Freemasons are taking their orders from an Intelligent life form from not only beyond our world, but beyond our dimension.
MAC: Really?
DOWNRIPPLE: Oh, yes. The Masons are in league with all sorts of monsters.
MAC: (sarcastic) Like Werewolves…
DOWNRIPPLE: Not just Werewolves. All the Cryptids.… Bigfoot. Mothman. Goatmen. Dogmen. Cowboys. They’re all working together to control our world while keeping their existence a secret.
MAC: Where did you hear about such wild claims?
DOWNRIPPLE: My sources will need to remain anonymous. Freemasons are known to have operatives and assassins everywhere… I can’t just go spilling these beans all over town.
MAC: While I understand your need to keep your beans… that’ll be a tough sell to folks back at the Corporate Offices. If we’re to be publishing a book claiming that Freemasons are working alongside Dracula, Frankenstein and the Tooth Fairy then you’ll need to provide a source. It doesn’t need to be on-record and in the text, but my colleagues and I will need to—
DOWNRIPPLE: I never said Dracula or Frankenstein.
MAC: You might as well have.
[Anger washes over Downripple’s FACE transforming it into a dark shade of red.]
DOWNRIPPLE: What—- urgh…
MAC: There it is.
[DOWNRIPPLE clutches his chest and falls to the floor.]
DOWNRIPPLE: urgggg…. you… what did you do?
MAC: Relax, Daniel… You’re having a heart attack. Just let it happen.
DOWNRIPPLE: Grayy water shurdup-(starts to gurgle choke)
MAC: It’s quite ironic don’t you think?
[Downripple’s face continues to darken, now moving into shades of purple.]
MAC: For years you’ve allowed your paranoid impulses to control and dictate your life. They told you to run. To hide yourself from everyone you love. To surround yourself with walls. All for the purpose of protection. To keep yourself safe and alive. Then one day a lying man showed up on your doorstep, ready and prepared to kill you, and you willingly opened the door of your fortress and let him inside. It is ironic, no?
DOWNRIPPLE: Free—-mass—unnn…
[scene fades out]
NARRATOR (V.O.): The influence of Freemasonry is undeniable and unavoidable. But who are these mysterious, apron-wearing Craftsmen? And what are they up to? For Centuries hater-ass Conspiracy Theorists have attempted to answer these questions, only to come to the general consensus that while they don’t know exactly what the Freemasons are doing behind those closed doors… they do know it cannot be any good. Or as one 18th Century Conspiracy Theorist put it, “If such people were not doing evil they would never have so much hatred of the light.” But this isn’t the story of how the Freemasons built their Temple of Secrecy… No. This is the story of how it all came crashing down… brick by brick… all because of one man. Randy Dunning. (beat) Who is Randy Dunning? By his own admission Randy is an Online Entrepreneur and a Flat Earth Content Creator. He has, at times, also claimed to have been: A two-time Poetry.com poet of the year. A 9th Degree Black Belt Taekwondo Grand Master. An Anti-Gravity Activist. And an International Leader in the fight against Globalism. Randrew Andall Dunning. A self-taught Master of Everything. Randy first became aware of the true nature of our world during an internet flame war about bumblebees. Randy scoured the internet for counter-proof but to his amazement …the search results were all well-engineered lies and bee-related misinformation. So, he dug further. Randy soon found himself on an unstoppable, unskippable daisy chain of information… Each video he watched would corroborate the claims of the previous video… until, when watching one of these videos, Randrew would discover… the real Truth about Bees… (pause) That given their wingspan, body weight and all known laws of physics Bumblebees should not be able to fly. And if that were true then Gravity, as we knew it, might also be fake. And if that were true… Sir Isaac Newton, the original perpetuator of the Gravity Myth would’ve been a liar, a fraud, and unsurprisingly a Freemason. So, young and impressionable thirty-three year-old Randy Dunning was left with two options. He could research the difference between fixed-wing flight and moving-wing flight… Or, he could look into this whole “Gravity is Fake and Freemasons are Evil” thing and see where it led him.
[a beat.]
Two Flat Earthers Kidnap a Freemason. Episode One, Shadowbanned. Sit right here so we can open…
INT./EXT. RANDY’S VAN - TRAFFIC [DRIVING]
[RANDY DUNNING (Lethally overconfident. Ferocious, but not intimidating) is on his way to work, sitting in traffic and listening to his favorite show, The Newsham Hour, a radio show hosted by NEWSHAM.]
[NEWSHAM (40s) is a radio wave conspiracy muckraker ala Alex Jones.]
NEWSHAM (on radio): I get this from a very reliable source…. and it may come as a shock to many of you, but the entire state of Delaware doesn’t exist. It’s nothing but two-thousand square miles of Ghost Towns and corruption. Mannequins. Fake storefronts. Doctored Maps. They’ve got more businesses livin’ in Delaware than there are people living in Delaware.
RANDY: Someone needs to tell the Elites to do something about this traffic.
[The Radio Show is interrupted by a RINGTONE. Randy answers. It’s his partner in life and crime, GAYLE KRUGER. GAYLE (30s) is kind to a fault and eager to please.]
RANDY: What’s up, Chicken-Nug?
GAYLE (phone): Did you see the video?
RANDY: The one where the monkey rides up on the tiny motorcycle and tries to kidnap that kid? Shit, yeah. I was like, ”Go Monkey Go!
GAYLE (phone): What? No. (beat) Karen just posted a new one.
RANDY: (frustrated and jealous) Another one? Already? What’s it about?
GAYLE (phone): “August Update (pause) colon (pause) Ancient Astronaut Theory Debunked… question mark… The Secret Occult Truth about Cheese. If Time Can be a Flat Circle, Why Can’t the Earth?” Looks like she gets into a few different topics.
RANDY: Any comments?
GAYLE (phone): The lighting is terrible. No surprise there. And the claims she’s making about Gobekli Tepe and Goat Cheese are pretty sus.
RANDY: I meant comments on the video.
GAYLE (phone): Yeah, we’ve got a couple comments here. Okay, let me see… Here's one... Love it. — Love this so much. — Check your DM’s —-Dang, Girl you went in on them… — Hello, HeliocentricFantasies, how would you like to earn seventy-thousand dollars a week while working from home as the owner of your own business. — A few that are just the Eyeballs Emoji. — Do one on Chichen Itza next. — Karen, how dare you be so brave! Stuff like that.
RANDY: How many views?
GAYLE (phone): Uh… 26,653.
RANDY: What’s our last one at?
GAYLE (phone): The balloon video?
RANDY: Yep. How’re we doing?
GAYLE (phone): Fifty.
RANDY: Fifty Thousand. (Beat) Alright… not bad, not bad.
GAYLE (phone): No. Just fifty. Fifty total views.
RANDY: Goddamn Shadowban!
GAYLE (phone): I was thinking… since we’re shadowbanned anyway... Maybe we can finally try my fish tank idea?
RANDY: No.
GAYLE (phone):Why not?
RANDY: Because it’ll make us look stupid. Listen… if we want people to start taking the concept of a Flat Earth seriously, then we’re going to need to start taking ourselves seriously.
GAYLE (phone): What should we do?
RANDY: I don’t know, but I’ll think of something. This weekend we’re going to upload a video that’ll change the world… forever.
GAYLE (phone): I’m gonna bring home another aquarium anyway… just in case.
NEWSHAM (on radio): Wake up, Sheeple! Delaware does not exist
NARRATOR (V.O.): As Randy begins his daily deadman’s walk he notices an unfamiliar face has joined him in the parking lot. They look happy and confident. Far too happy and much too confident to be an employee of Clarke Communications. (Pause) As this cheerful spy starts to open the door to the front entrance, Randy calls out to her…
RANDY: Hey! Hold up! Can you hold the door for me?
BONNIE: (surprised) Oh, sure thing.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Being the kind, caring and gracious person she is, the woman steps to the side and holds the door open for Randy. He smiles and waves as he enters the building…
RANDY: I appreciate it.
BONNIE: Oh, no problem...
NARRATOR (V.O.): Then, Randy immediately turns, grabs the door handle and pulls the door shut. A bewildered face stares back at him from the other side of the glass.
BONNIE: (surprised) What the—? Why?
RANDY: Where’s your badge?
BONNIE: I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were with Security.
RANDY: I'm not, but we all need to do our part to keep the building secure.
BONNIE: Oh, I don’t think I’d be able to do much harm even if I wanted to.
RANDY: There’s a whole lot of evil in this world. That’s why we wear badges and name-tags. Horrendous acts of violence can be carried out by little old ladies such as yourself.
BONNIE: That was unnecessarily rude. (beat) Unfortunately, I don’t have a badge yet. I’m supposed to start work here today. The email said something about checking in when I arrived. Just a sec… I printed it off… (beat) Sorry, I know I’ve got in here somewhere.
RANDY: That’s gonna take forever. Just tell me your name.
BONNIE: Bonnie Long. B like Boy, O-
RANDY: I can spell. (beat) Is that Bonnie with a Y or an IE or…
BONNIE: I-E. I had a little trouble finding the place. I hope I’m not late.
RANDY: Unfortunately, Bonnie, you are too late.
[The actual Security Guard, ED, approaches and opens another door for BONNIE.]
ED (to Bonnie): Hey, sorry about that… don’t listen to him. Here’s your visitor pass. You’ll get your picture taken and receive an official badge later today. Head through those double doors over there and find Walter Clay. He’ll help you out.
BONNIE: Thank you… what was it… Ed. Thank you, Ed.
RANDY: (to Ed) We can never be too safe, right?
ED: (friendly sarcasm) No. We really can’t. Can I see your badge, sir?
RANDY: Don't be like that, Ed. I accidentally left it at home.
RANDY: (on video) Hey, y’all it’s Rand-o from The Flat Truth. Before I get started fighting the good fight today, I just want to remind everyone to like, subscribe and share. We’ve been slapped with a pretty serious Shadowban and… if I could be just completely blunt for a second… you folks don’t seem to be doing jack shit about it. (mocking) But Rand-o, how can you be so sure you’ve been shadowbanned? You must have some pretty serious evidence if you’re gonna make those kinds of accusations. (beat) (/mocking) Well I do. Let me just lay it out here… The Flat Truth is a wildly successful content creation company, but we’re barely hitting a thousand views on our videos. Somehow our dislike numbers are… (beat) higher than ever… But I guess that’s what happens when you speak the truth. The Flat Truth. Remember, Folks. There’s no such thing as a coincidence.
RANDY: Hey. Check out this video.
[ED leans over to get a better view of Randy's computer screen.]
ED: Monkey on a Motorcycle? Is this the one where the Monkey does the loop-de—loop?
RANDY: Nah… in this one a monkey rides up on a little motorcycle and tries to kidnap this kid. (beat) It's funny as shit.
ED: How many views does it have?
RANDY: Two hundred and seventeen thousand.
ED: That’s nothing.
RANDY: No, that’s quite a bit actually…
ED: My sister showed me a video yesterday of a dog with the post-poop zoomies and that video had like sixty million views. Look that one up.
RANDY: Why are you watching a dog take a shit?
ED: It’s not that part. It's just the dog being all jazzed up and running around afterward.
RANDY: Still weird.
ED: Whatever man, I think it’s cute.
RANDY: Anyway, check this out. This monkey is fucking wild.
[We hear the CLICK of the mouse. The VIDEO starts, but then—]
RANDY: Freaking ad won’t let me skip.
AD COPY: It’s Smashed Potatoes! Experience the game the New York Times un-ironically called an, “Absolute Smash Hit.” From farm to table you control the entire Potato lifecycle. Harvest Fresh Potatoes and Smash Em! Remove unwanted eyes and Smash Em! Choose from one of over 150 fully customizable Avatars. Upgrade and customize the decor of your Potato Smashing Palace. Host virtual parties in the Smash Zone! Invite your family and friends or millions of Potato Smashers from all around the world! Don’t just beat the high score…. Smash it!
ED: Oh, you know what… I’ve got one for you. Check this out.
RANDY: …Beetle Bailey? Did you cut this out of the Newspaper?
ED: (laughs) You see Beetle Bailey is saying — Even the Sarge gets a kick out of me. —- and the Sarge is kicking him in the butt. See.
RANDY: I don’t get it.
ED: (laughs) You get it. You get it.
RANDY: Yeah… anyway.
[Randy puts back on his headset.]
RANDY (phone) (customer service voice): Thank you for holding, Mr. Magary. I appreciate your patience. I just wanted to let you know that I’m still working on your account and doing everything I can to try and get that fee waived. (beat) No worries at all. Just doing my job. I really hate to do this to you again, but I am going to need to put you on another quick hold while I contact a specialist about this issue. (beat) Thank you.
[Randy takes his headset back off.]
RANDY (to Ed): And by the way, your silly little cartoon reinforces some seriously harmful bullying issues that plague our Military. Not to mention the fact that it’s obviously pro-American imperialist propaganda.
ED: It’s funny.
RANDY: It’s irresponsible is what it is.
ED: I’m just gonna let you have this one, Randy.
RANDY: See… you know I’m right. That’s all I do all day long… chop-chop-chop-chopping the heads off of people’s dumb arguments…
ED: You ever wonder why they put your desk so close to Security?
[Randy puts his headset back on.]
RANDY: Because you’ll need backup.
ED: Oh yeah, I forgot. (sarcastic) You’re Mr. Junior Olympic Taekwondo Champion or whatever
RANDY: Let some real danger come up in here. You’ll be begging for my help.
[Randy removes the caller off hold.]
RANDY: Thanks again for holding, Mr. Magary. Unfortunately, we’re not going to be able to waive the fee for you today…
[MUFFLED CURSING from Randy’s HEADSET. ]
RANDY (phone): I understand. (beat) I understand that. (beat) I understand (beat) I understand your frustration. (beat) Would you mind holding for one second sir, I need to reboot my system.
[The PHONE on Randy’s desk rings. He answers it.]
RANDY (on phone): Sm-ello?
CHARLOTTE (on phone): Randy… after you finish up with your current call just go ahead and log all the way out of production and come meet me in my office…
RANDY (on phone): You got it.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Welcome to Birdies Pets and More… the fourth or fifth best pet store in the St. Louis area. Not bad, Birdies. Not bad at all. Gayle Kruger will be with us in just one second… She’s finishing up with another customer…
[GAYLE is behind the register helping CUSTOMER 1. GAYLE scans their items with a LASER SCANNER and this upsets TENSE CUSTOMER.]
CUSTOMER 1: Could you please not do that?
GAYLE: Do what?
CUSTOMER 1: Could you not bath my pet’s food with your cancer rays?
GAYLE: Oh, no. It's okay. The scanner is one hundred percent completely safe. Nothing to worry about.
CUSTOMER 1: You don’t get to tell me what to worry about. How about you do some research for yourself instead of just parroting everything the TV has to say?
GAYLE: Well… sir, not only do I do my own research… I post my own scientific res—
[MILLIE approaches the situation.]
MILLIE: What seems to be the problem here? I heard something about a Parrot. Now if you’re referring to the Macaw in the back, I do want to assure you that he learned all those profane hot takes from a previous owner...
CUSTOMER 1: Your employee here was spraying her cancer lasers all over my dog treats.
MILLIE: Gayle!? Cancer lasers?
GAYLE: They’re talking about the scanner.
CUSTOMER 1: It is incredibly irresponsible for you to be using those “scanners” on things people eat.
GAYLE: You eat these?
MILLIE: These things cause cancer?
GAYLE: No. They don’t.
CUSTOMER 1: Yes, they do. I was reading all about it online. Are you even on Facebook?
MILLIE: Buddy, everybody is on Facebook.
CUSTOMER 1: Then I don’t know how you haven’t heard about this yet. It’s all over Facebook.
MILLIE: I’ll tell ya what... if you send me some links I’ll look into it and see if any changes are in order.
CUSTOMER 1: Good. But until you do make those changes… I’ll be taking my business to PetsWorld…
[We hear the chime of the door as TENSE CUSTOMER leaves.]
GAYLE: They’ve got Cancer Scanners at PetsWorld too…
MILLIE: I know, Gayle. I know.
[The door CHIMES again and the next customer enters like a tornado. He’s carrying a lidless bucket of snakes. The SNAKES are writhing and striking. It’s SNAKE GUY.]
MILLIE: (under breath) Shit. Not again.
CUSTOMER 2: Hey! How much’ll y’all give me for these snakes?
MILLIE: We don’t buy wild snakes. This isn’t an animal pawnshop.
CUSTOMER 2:(upset) Since when?
MILLIE: Since forever, mate.
CUSTOMER 2: Fuck this place.
[CUSTOMER 2 bails out the front door. ]
[Randy enters his Manager CHARLOTTE’S office. Charlotte is a Corporate Stiff whose time in Management has led them to believe, unfortunately, that they’re much more hilarious than they really are… Charlotte is on the phone. We enter the conference room with Randy.]
CHARLOTTE (on phone): L-O-L. No, he’s a famous singer. (beat) His name is Drake. See the joke is that he doesn’t like one thing but he does like another thing. (laughs) Now do you get it? (laughs) Here I’ll send you another one… (long beat)… (laughs) See! He’s saying nu-uh to Pickles, but uh-huh to Cucumbers. (laughs) I’ve got a million of ‘em. Hold on, Jerry, I’m gonna have to call you back. (laughs) I’m sure he would. I’m sure he would. (laughs) Alright, bye now.
RANDY: (emotionless) Hey, Charlotte.
CHARLOTTE (deadpan tone switch): Yeah. (pause) Hey, Randy. (beat) You know Walter from Human Resources, right?
RANDY: No, can’t say that I do.
[Walt extends his hand. A glimmer from Walt’s finger catches Randy’s attention.]
WALT: Hi, that’s me. Walt Clay, HR. Human Resources.
RANDY: Randy Dunning, CRC. Complaints, Retention and Complex Cases. (beat) Nice ring.
WALT: Thank you. (sarcastic joking) I paid for it dearly. It cost me my life.
NARRATOR (V.O.): It was in fact a nice ring. A very nice ring. Inlaid with a Square & Compass and the letter G. Undeniably, a Freemason’s Ring.
WALT (to Randy): What festival days do you celebrate?
CHARLOTTE: (under breath to Walt) No.. shut up, he’s not…
RANDY: Is this about me calling in last week?
CHARLOTTE: No. Listen, Randy, I'm just going to jump right into it. Over the past three months we’ve received numerous complaints regarding your ’inappropriate' use of company internet.
RANDY: Well, that’s fucking bullshit.
CHARLOTTE: I’ll also have to ask you to please keep your language professional.
RANDY: What did I do?
CHARLOTTE: Well you just said fucking bullshit. So that’s two no-no’s right there. One for fucking and another for bullshit.
RANDY: Can’t say anything these days without pissing someone off.
CHARLOTTE: After receiving the complaints… our IT Department looked into it and they were quite alarmed at what they discovered… Walter, do you still have the list there in front of you?
WALT: Yes.
CHARLOTTE: Would you mind giving us a few…
WALT: Right…
CHARLOTTE: And Randy, this represents only a small portion of the videos you’ve been watching on company time.
WALT: Secrets of the Illuminati. Crisis Actors Exposed. Planet Flat Earth. I’m an AntiGravity Activist and Proud of It. Elvis Presley isn’t Dead, He called me Last Night! Highlights from the 2005 Junior Olympic TaeKwonDo Championship. Undeniable Proof that Bills Hicks faked his death to become Alex Jones. Five reasons why Governor Gardner Fleming is a shapeshifting Cat Person. Six reasons why Governor Gardner Fleming is a shapeshifting Cat Person. And most recently, Monkey on a Motorcycle.
RANDY: What’s wrong with watching TaeKwonDo highlights?
WALT: With that one I think it was the number of times you’d watched it that made us concerned.
RANDY: So, you folks have been keeping an eye on me for a while…
WALT: We monitor everyone, Randy. It’s crucial to maintaining the security of our client’s information.
RANDY: Yeah, I bet you watch everyone.
CHARLOTTE: I do have one question I’d like to ask you, Randy. The video… “Five reasons why Gardner Fleming is a shapeshifting Cat Person,” was posted in 2016. And then in 2020, the same user posted “Six reasons why Gardner Fleming is a shapeshifting Cat Person.” What was the new reason?
RANDY: I don’t know, Charlotte. How about you do your own research and look it up for yourself?
CHARLOTTE: Fair enough.
RANDY: Listen, my break’s been over for like twenty minutes. Can I go back to my desk now? (sarcastic) Hate to get written up again.
WALT: Um, yeah, well Randy while we have you here there is another bit of paperwork we’ll need to discuss.
[Back to Pet Store.]
CUSTOMER 3: I think my cat has Stockholm Syndrome.
GAYLE: What? No… I'm sure he loves you.
CUSTOMER 3: I mean, sure, after years of captivity Chauncey has probably convinced himself that he loves me, but deep down I think we both know it's really just a product of the power I hold over him.
[GAYLE pets Chauncey. The cat pulls away, retreating to CUSTOMER 3.]
GAYLE: Hmm. Chauncey’s free right now and he isn't running away.
CUSTOMER 3: See what I mean. He won’t stay away from me. (to cat) Our love isn't real Chauncey. I'm your captor. Not your friend.
GAYLE: Hmm.. Good point.
CUSTOMER 3: Would the fine folks of Birdies Pets and Moore, be able to keep Chauncey for a few days? For observations? I think he needs an expert opinion.
GAYLE: Expert? Yeah… Yeah, I could do that. No problem.
CUSTOMER 3: Thank you so much, Golly. How much would something like that cost me because I live on a fixed income and I only get paid on the fifteenth of…
GAYLE: Tell ya what... I’ll do it for free.
CUSTOMER 3: Really?
GAYLE: Absolutely.
CUSTOMER 3: That’s so amazing. And such a nice offer. But I can’t ask you to perform labor for free…
[CUSTOMER 3 pulls out their phone. Opens the Camera App.]
CUSTOMER 3: (cont’d): Here…we can take a selfie and post it to my InstaCram account.
[Digital shutter of the camera.]
CUSTOMER 3: I have almost two thousand followers. A few even live here in the St. Louis area. That should get this place plenty of exposure.
GAYLE: No one ever died from exposure.
[Car on Highway. A red-hot angry RANDY drives home listening to The Newsham Hour.]
NEWSHAM (on radio): You... listening at home or in your car or in your bunker. Don’t be afraid to stand up. It’s gonna take every one of us to defeat the globalists! Space! Mathematics! Climate Change! Quantum Mechanics! Do they expect us to believe any of this scientism? The seeds of unrest have been sown. The rain of deception has fallen. And now the roots of state sponsored propaganda are spreading throughout the soil of our country.
RANDY (mumbling to himself): Fired!? Me? What fucking sense does that make!? I don’t believe this… I should sue. I should sue. Yeah…. Yeah, I’m gonna sue. This is wrongful termination. Why is the entire fucking world working against me?
[Suddenly NEWSHAM appears in the passenger seat. It’s a hallucination. The Hallucination speaks with a slightly creepier, altered voice.]
NEWSHAM (ghostly): I’m talking to you, Randy Dunning. You need to do something… You were put here on this Infinite Flat Plane of Existence for a reason. You’re not like the other sheeple. The world needs to hear your voice. Join my chorus, Randy. And together we’ll wake them up. We’re going to wake everyone up… (tone switch) Wake up!
[RANDY looks to the passenger seat and NEWSHAM is gone.]
NEWSHAM (on radio) …you can support The Newsham Hour by donating to our Patreon at Newsham is Creating the News. We’ve got a lot of great rewards on there. Koozies. Dart Boards. Bumper Stickers. Window Decals. While you’re at it don't forget to pick yourself up some NoBonos Socks using our promo code NASALIES. Once again that's promo code N-A-S-A-L-I-E-S.
[Pet Store Alley, MILLIE walks garbage to the DUMPSTER.]
MILLIE: Hey there, Mr. Dumpster. I hope you’re hungry because I have a big bag of shit for your dumpster mouth.
[BAGS OF TRASH hit the dull bottom of a dumpster.]
MILLIE: (to dumpster) Yum, right?
[There’s a CRACKLE, followed by an OWL NOISE. The noise stops.]
[No response. From a hiding place Gayle jumps out in front of Millie]
GAYLE: (miming voice) Betcha didn’t think I had a second bucket of snakes!
MILLIE: Shit!
[MILLIE reacts in terror for a beat before realizing that it’s just Gayle]
MILLIE: That’s not funny.
GAYLE: (laughing)
GAYLE: Were you out here talking to the Dumpster again?
MILLIE: (guilty) No, I wasn’t talking to the Dumpster. I was talking around the Dumpster.
[GAYLE and MILLIE enter through the backdoor of the Pet Store.]
GAYLE: Can I ask you a weird question?
MILLIE: Is this going to be like the ‘is a hotdog a sandwich’ debate? Because I think it’d be best if we just—
GAYLE: No, it's nothing like that. Promise.
MILLIE: Okay, shoot.
GAYLE: Do you think pets really love us and see us as their adopted animal parents? Or did we just brainwash them into loving us?
MILLIE: Is this about your lizard? What was his name… (remembers) …Reptar. What’s the matter with Reptar?
GAYLE: Nothing. Probably. I don’t know. Its just something a customer said to me… and now I’m worried that maybe Reptar would be happier if they were living with their lizard buddies out in Arizona or whatever.
MILLIE: While that may be true. I think it’d be pretty hard for an iguana to make new iguana friends. Especially at Reptar’s age.
GAYLE: Are Iguana retirement communities a thing?
MILLIE: Uhh, no. That’d be weird. But I tell ya what… we’ve got more than enough Crickets around here, don’t we? Take home a few thousand and let Reptar go crazy on em. He’ll forget all about his troubles.
GAYLE: Thanks, Millie. Oh, and this here is Chauncey Biscuits.
[Gayle shows MILLIE the pet case containing Chauncey.]
GAYLE: (cont’d) This little guy is gonna be staying with us for a few days.
MILLIE: The fuck he is.
GAYLE: What?
MILLIE: That’s a cat, right?
GAYLE: Maybe…
[A meow. ]
MILLIE: Yeah, that’s what I thought.
GAYLE: A customer dropped him off for observations. I’d take him home with me, but Randy’s allergic to cats.
MILLIE: Can’t stay here. It’d be like an all you can eat buffet. Not on my watch, Mate.
GAYLE: It’s just a few days. I don’t see what the big deal is…
MILLIE: Do you want to be responsible for the death of a dozen teddy bear hamsters? Gayle? Do you?
GAYLE: No.
MILLIE: I don’t mean to be harsh, but…
GAYLE: No, Millie, I get it.
MILLIE: I’m sure you’ll figure something out.
[Gayle starts to walk away and Millie calls out one last time…]
MILLIE: Oh, and Gayle. Don’t forget your crickets.
[SONG]
[Chauncey the Cat sits shotgun inside a pet carrier case.]
GAYLE: Okay, Chauncey, you just sit tight. I’m gonna scope out the situation and the second I know the coast is clear I’ll come back for you.
CHAUNCEY: (meow)
GAYLE: Uh-huh. Thats what I was thinking too.
CHAUNCEY: (meow)
GAYLE: I’ll do my best. Okay. I’ll be right back.
[GAYLE enters to find RANDY sitting at his desk. A familiar video plays….]
KAREN (on video): Welcome back to Heliocentric Fantasies… It’s me, Karen. And today I’d like to ask you to ask yourself…. If Time Can be a Flat Circle, why can’t Earth? Imagine for a moment that all six thousand years of time were held together within a spiritual dome. Or Firmament. Now… I ask you again to ask yourself… if time is able to be held together by such a firmament… wouldn’t the Earth itself be bound by the same rules? And who makes up these rules… … and who is enforcing them?
GAYLE: Hey, Babe.
RANDY: Hey.
[Randy pauses the video, but doesn’t look up from his PHONE.]
RANDY: (cont’d) Look at this bullshit.
[Gayle leans over to read the screen.]
GAYLE: Two-hundred thousand views? How is she…
RANDY: I don’t know.
GAYLE: What about the one you posted this morning. What’s it at?
RANDY: Nine-hundred and ninety-one.
GAYLE: Three or four of them were from me.
RANDY: Me too. So basically nobody watched it.
[We hear the CRICKETS.]
RANDY: What’s that sound?
GAYLE: Crickets. A whole bunch of them.
RANDY: Why?
GAYLE: Millie let me bring some home, so I could…. (Mimic Australian accent) Let Reptar throw these on the barbie, Mate.
RANDY: They’re really loud.
GAYLE: They’re crickets.
RANDY: Will you at least keep them in the garage or something? I need to be able to focus without it sounding like fucking nighttime in here.
GAYLE: Oh sure, sure, sure. I left something out in the car anyway.
[Fade Out / Fade In]
RANDY: AlphaSwagLad left a comment on Karen’s new video.
GAYLE: AlphaSwagLad? They leave a comment on, like, everything Karen posts. They’re almost as obsessed as BiteMyButt02.
RANDY: I know. I love them. Check it out. (reading comment) Disclaimer: I decided to watch this video based upon a friends recommendation. Afterward, I felt compelled to do whatever I could to prevent anyone else from watching this video. The poor sound quality and editing made viewing it almost unbearable. The music seemed to run long for no reason. If I were Karen I would probably just quit making Flat Earth videos because there are probably better Flat Earth Documentarians out there who people should be watching instead. (/reading comment) (laughs) Hilarious, right?
GAYLE: I mean… haters gonna hate. We get lots of negative comments on our videos too.
RANDY: Yeah, but those are either a-Fake or b-people who don’t know what they’re talking about. You can’t put anything out into the world these days without getting mocked by some anonymous dumbfuck from Massachusetts sitting in front of a computer screen, stroking his beard and thinking he knows fuck all about anything. Fuck him.
GAYLE: Him, who?
RANDY: Him everyone. And now millions of people are making Flat Earth videos, so how the hell is anyone supposed to be able to get the word out about it? What we need is something revolutionary… something fucking mind blowing. Something that just has no choice but to go viral.
GAYLE: I have an idea.
RANDY: I swear if you’re talking about walking around with a fishtank—
GAYLE: I’m just saying, it's the easiest way to communicate the Flat Earth Theory and that’s gotta be goal number one.
RANDY: I get that… I do… I just don’t....
GAYLE: (playfully defensive) You don’t what?
RANDY: I think there might be some faults in your logic. That’s all I’m saying.
GAYLE: How many views are we at now?
[Randy clicks the mouse and refreshes the screen.]
RANDY: Nine-hundred ninety-two.
GAYLE: Dang. I was hoping maybe we got a few more while we were talking. Click it again. (beat) Do you really think we’ve been shadowbanned?
RANDY: Absolutely. The timing’s too perfect for it to be a coincidence. Think about it… almost as soon as we start taking off… ‘something’ happens… and then we come crashing back down to Earth. What kind of bullshit is that? A Shadowban. That’s what kind of bullshit that is. (beat) One of our videos has almost two million views. Two million. Now our new video is at what…
[Randy clicks the mouse and refreshes the screen.]
RANDY: (CONT’D) Nine-hundred and ninety-three.
GAYLE: Ugh! I hate the Deep State! (beat) Is the bee video really at two million views?
RANDY: Pretty much. Check it out.
[Randy opens an additional tab and brings up the video.]
GAYLE: One million, six-hundred-thousand and sixty-three. Wow.
RANDY: Want to play it again for old time sake?
GAYLE: I say we play it ten more times for old times sake.
[The happy and delusional couple laughs.]
RANDY (on old video): …it’s Rando back with another Rando Rant. If you’re driving while you’re watching this you better buckle the Fuck up. So, get this… based upon their relative density and wing-size, Bees shouldn’t be able to fly… In fact their ability to fly directly contradicts the rules of physics and most specifically some bullshit they’ve been feeding us for entire lives. Oh, it’s just this little thing they like to call Gravity. Ever heard of it? I just want to go on the record right now and say that I, Randy Dunning, am 100% anti-gravity.
NARRATOR (V.O.): As the video plays, Randy and Gayle both stare at the screen with a mix of disbelief and nostalgia. This is quite possibly the most important thing they’ve ever done. The thing which may one day may be the only surviving part of their legacy. Laugh if you want, but that video has almost two million views. The fuck you ever done that got two million views?
